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resentment is boiling

pollycracker's picture

Hi All


Need some advice or guidance. I am sure you have all seen my posts before regard SD10 and my DH. SD10 has not been back yet, BM and DH are not speaking since the blow up 3 weeks ago.

My problem is that I am fixated on what happened (BM accusing me of sexually hurting SD, BM making fun of me getting raped when i was 4 years old, SD stealing my old phone and giving it to BM to use. SD causing a scene at my house and gossiping about me to BM as if I am endangering her by having 3 glasses of wine in my own house). Everything has caused major anxiety, I told my husband this evening that if she comes back he needs to tell her to respect me as the woman of my house and as her StepMom but in my heart I do not want her to come back. I have given so much to her over the last 6 years that thinking of her and her mom actually now disgusts me, I do not want her to be near my 3 YO as she lies to her mother and says I favour my daughter (this is a lie as i discipline my 3 YO infront of her all the time and make sure she receives name brands whereas my daughter wears loads of cheap clothing, DH even tries to ignore DD3 when SD is here to not make her feel uncomfortable. I also contributed towards a wooden dresser for SD10 even though my DD3 has her clothing in a plastic container in our room).

DH says he will fetch her in December, I have now indicated that he will need to take leave to look after SD10 as I will not be taking extended leave in December and refused to look after SD10. I have lost all trust and feelings towards SD10 after her actions over the last few months. BM is now blocked on my phone as well, I do not engage with her at all. DH is a good man but I feel guilty for no longer wanting SD10 around.


I bought her new brranded sneakers and a branded jacket for her birthday in October but I now regret it and refuse to buy her anything anymore. Is this normal? Why have I lost all emotions towards SD10? I am builing up so much toxic resentment and anger towards her and BM. I even considered leaving my husband because I cannot imagine her benefiting from me or him anymore (he previously wanted us to buy her a car when she turns 18, wanted to pay for her university fees etc and I no longer want to because she has no respect for me.) DH loves me very much and recently has been treating DD3 and I very well. Am I being ungrateful? how do I move passed this?

nappisan's picture

I dont think that disgust really ever goes away when your at that stage with your step kids.   I spilt from my SO at the beginning of the year and thankfully havent seen his demon brat SS13 since then , except a few weeks ago when i needed to collect something from their house and he just arrived home from school ,, he walked straight past me and didnt say a word , not even a cordial hello when you greet people whether you like them or not.  Yep,, my disgust was still there and i just cringed seeing him.   I think if you choose to stay with this man , you will need to learn to live with that cringing feeling with his daughter or get out and run as fast as you can !

Winterglow's picture

It doesn't matter if you favour your daughter over someone else's child! Anyone who tells you the contrary is living on some other imaginary planet!

Look, you have alreay done and paid for more than enough for her. She is not your daughter and not your responsibility.

Stop feeling guilty about your feelings.

If you share finances with your husband, separate them NOW! You should, in no way, be expected to help finance a car for her, her studies, any other whims she might have. Save your money for your daughter's future. Your SD has two parents and you are not one of them - let them take on the financial load. Your daughter has two parents and you ARE one of them. Take care of your own. Why should your precious SD haveTHREE parents running after her? Seriously?

Is your husband your DD's father? If so then why are you surprised that he treats her well?

pollycracker's picture

DD3 is DH daughter. Not suprised he treats us well, just guilty that I think of leaving even though he has been perfect towards us.


I will disengage.


God bless you all.

The_Upgrade's picture

"DH even tries to ignore DD3 when SD is here to not make her feel uncomfortable"

I just cringed at reading that bit. Sure when there's two kids in the mix there's less attention to go around. But a parent shouldn't be actively trying to ignore one child to appease the other. 3 year old DD might be too young to understand but it doesn't mean she won't make her own observations "daddy doesn't like to play with me when big sis is here because daddy loves her more"

Picardy III's picture

Yeah. If he's ignoring your toddler DD to appease your SD, he's not behaving "perfectly toward you."

Crspyew's picture

The biggest believer in second chances on this site. But reading your prior blog & this one makes me want to grab you and shake you while yelling "wake up"!  Your feelings are right and natural!!! You should favor your own DD.  Honestly, I would never have SD in my home again after BMs accusations and cruelty.  I strongly encourage you to insist your husband take his custody time with her outside your home.  Her behavior is only going to escalate and your own DD may be in danger.  Your SD will not respect you simply because your DH tells her too!  You mean well and have a good heart, that is clear from your posts.  But SD is her parents problem, not yours.  Your responsibility is solely to your own DD.

Winterglow's picture

PS - if you haven't already given her the things you bought for her birthday, please see if you can return them. She should absolutely not be rewarded with gifts for the things she has said and done.

ESMOD's picture

You have a primary responsibility to your biological child to keep her safe.  Based on SD's past behavior, I would be extremely concerned about being alone with her at any time.  I would tell your DH that he is to be present at all times and do all care with his daughter to avoid any accusations.  Get cameras in the home if necessary.

I would also consider it important to monitor all contact with your child and her.  She has shown that she may not be trusted.. she should not have the opportunity to harm your daughter.  YOu know you need to be vigilant.. so it is your job to do so.

I am not going as far as making him take visitation outside the home... but that is a possibility.. but he needs to 100% be there to monitor his child.  It cannot be your responsibility at all.. you could lose custody of your child.

Rags's picture

I get your feelings.  SD has earned your ire.  As have DH and BM.

If you decide to end it... do it now.

If you decide to stay, protect yourself and your DD.  Start and maintain the SD behavioral Spread Sheet that documents SD's crap with a brief description, dates, costs, etc, etc, etc...

When DH starts building up the pressure on a car for SD, college for SD, etc... have the Spread Sheet ready to role up and beat the snot out of both of them with when necessary.

But... better to cut your losses and protect  yourself and your DD from that shallow and polluted gene pool.