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Things really blew up

pollycracker's picture

Hi All

I need advice and perspective. So 2 weeks ago my SD came for visitation for the first time since March. I forced my husband to fetch her.

My husband is seriously afraid of the virus and makes us follow very strict procedures during quarantine (such as washing all fruits and vegetables, washing all floors when he comes home, I cannot go to the store for groceries, change my shoes before we come in the house, when we go out for a drive I must shower as soon as we get home, heating clothing, heating take out in the microwave, he refuses to kiss me as he works at the office everyday while i work from home, he wears a mask some days as well.) I am higher risk due to respiratory issues and he told me that he cannot face losing me so he is being extra cautious, he is the same with everyone who comes over (we only had 3 people over since March).

SD came over, he made her wash again and heated her clothing. He also told her that both him and SD will be wearing masks the weekend to protect me. SD is 10. She seemed fine the weekend. He relaxed the mask wearing in the house a bit and allowed her to not wear it while watching tv as long as she was 2m away. So the first day she was over was fine. She has her own room in our house, she chose to sleep on the couch so she could watch tv. On saturday we woke up and took the children out to a dam nearby. We believe in fresh air and family activities. Things were perfect we had dinner at home. My husband didnt feel well and went to bed. I sat up with both girls for about 2 hours until my LG got very tired and needed to sleep, I told SD that she can sleep on the couch if she would like to continue to watch series or she can sleep in her room. She then started to tell me that she needed to call BM. I asked her why and she said she needs to talk to her. I was veeu confused. I told her to speak to her father, he was sleeping and told her it is 11pm at night and BM would be sleeping ans she needs to talk to me. She then told me that she cannot sleep alone, he mom holds her tummy at night. I offer for her to sleep with us (DD and I) since we have a king size bed. She says she needs her dad to sleep in the living room with her. He does this. We sleep. I thought it was all good.


Sunday, hubby and I BBQ and have 3 glasses of wine in the kitchen while SD and DD are watching cartoons. Food is ready and I take a full plate to her, she is in her room alone. I find her demeanour strange but tell DH and we decide to eat. She stays in the room for 1.5hours. DH then goes to talk to her and she says she wont come out of the room until she goes home. DH tells me to get ready to drop her with her mom and we leave. She does not say goodbye. 


3 days later DH gets long messages about how we treated SD like a dog and like she has coronavirus. Tells DH that I am jealous of her daughter because why isnt my daughter aged 3 wearing a mask in the house. I was so upset by all the vile messages that i confronted BM myself. I text her a very rude message and block her. She proceeds to make the entire thing about me and states she does not want SD around me anymore. She made accusations that since i was raped as a child (i was 4) that I am hurting SD because why is she masturbating only at our house. I am resenting all of this. I hate this situation and I cannot believe these accusations. Husband has said he will not fetch SD anymore as it seems she has come over to spy on us for her mother.


I feel hurt and I have started to resent SD for all this unneccesary trouble. I do not understand how she can do this to us after all the years I have spent building the relationship and buying her everything she needed. This event has made me sick.


What should I do. She has said she will not let her come over, husband said that is fine but I feel guilty about it. I am not a bad person. Feels like BM wants DH back and is using SD to get him back. He has indicated he will never leave me as he loves me too much but i feel resentment towards BM and SD.

shellpell's picture

Yep this! What a POS both she and her mom are. The further away you are from these ppl the better. And how do they know you were raped as a child? Why would they be privy to that info? bM and Ss know nothing about me!

susanm's picture

Count your blessings.  You have an SD who is trying to make trouble and a BM who is encouraging it but a DH who loves you enough to put his foot down and refuse to deal with their crap... You have NO idea how fortunate you are.  When they start to act like reasonable people then SD can rejoin you.  Until then, enjoy being loved.

Peach's picture

Your spouse supports you and is not feeding into the manipulation.  When my SD was that age, BM had a very strong hold... controlled everything she did.  I even found BM's underwear laying in my hall one day.  It was planted by one of the steps.  I picked it up and said gross and threw it in the trash.  I think they thought it would cause trouble.  My DH ignored it.  That was his game plan to ignore, ignore.  Now, they did stop some of the stuff when it didn't do anything.  However, on the flip side, they got away with a bunch of stuff because he didn't want to address it.  He always felt it would cause more trouble than it is worth. 

Count your blessings!

Rags's picture

Quit with the sensitive parenting model and both you and DH go for the no bullshit zero tolerance model.

She can wank off in the privacy of her own room. PERIOD!

She can sleep in her own room alone when she is at your home.

BM can STFU.  Your DH needs to block her from any communication other than through a court monitored app like MFW.  He needs to save all of her toxic communication so he can bare her ass the next time she forces his hand and he drags her toxic ass to court.

BM nor SD get to tell DH when SD will visit. Their should be a CO for that.  BM gets no say in how SD is pa

rented in your home.  SD gets no say about how she is parented in your home.

No more of this staying in her room during meals bullshit. PERIOD!

This little failed family breeding experient needs to understand that she behaves in compliance with the standards of reasonable behavior that her father and you set in your home or she suffers.  

Zero tolerance. PERIOD!

As for Covid and being high risk. I get it. I tick multiple high risk boxes.  For the first several months my DW would come home from work and head straight for the shower.  Only after she had showered and put on fresh clothing would we hug or otherwise be close to each other.  Social distancing, quarantining (for the most part), masks, good body hygiene and hand sanitizer IMHO minimizes the risks of catching Covid enough that there is no need to get crazy about it.  I sanitize all of the touch surfaces in our home once a week with a spray bottle full of IPA.  I vacuum, sweep and mop the floors once a week as well.   Though floor cleaning more than once a IMHO not particularly critical in homes that do not have ankle biting rug rats or pets crawling around all over the floors then rubbing all over touch surfaces and other people in the home.

That said, I have been mostly quarantined since the first week of March with the exception of a week long visit to my parents home and a week road trip vacation to the middle of nowhere N. Az.

Be safe, be firm with BM and SD.


tog redux's picture

This is a parental alienation situation - but it’s good that DH isn’t kowtowing to her. Probably best for him to see her outside the home for now. 

pollycracker's picture

SD stole my husband's old phone. All his information was on the phone, emails, banking informatiom, text messages, whatsapp. She read all of our comversations and saw us chatting about my childhood and the rape which occured. It took me a long time to actually enjoy sex and my husband was a big part in moving past that trauma, been suicidal for most of my life due to my experiences. 

My experience is also why the accusation that I would ever hurt a child sexually makes me physically sick. Makes me feel the resentment boiling. The whole episode about SD wanting to call her mom and force her dad to sleep next to her also freaks me out. What if he had laid next to her and she made this rape accusation, my husband would be in jail for false accusations. She even cursed by 3 year old.

BM and DH didnt have a real relationship before she got pregnant, she forced him to marry her and he left when SD was 1YO. He never had much of a relationship with SD until I came into their lives when SD was 4YO. So BM must resent me for having him in ways she never did.

BethAnne's picture

It seems that your husband is ok having little contact with his daughter. As this is not new behavior for him that started since he met you, you definately have nothing to feel guilty about if he is reasserting his wish to have little contact with her. You tried your best encourage him to build their relationship, but sadly it didn't work. 

Survivingstephell's picture

This is your husband's baggage/drama to manage.  Not your responsibility.  Letting go is paramount for you and your marriage. You are not dealing with normal people and the fantasy in your head that supports that picture needs to go.  Sounds like you are dealing with some real dark personalities, your DH has figured that out and now you need to.  Stop projecting the happy family scenario into these two and accept reality: they are f'd up and will bring harm to you.  Disengage and let your husband handle it.  SD stole the phone and used that info to harm.  They are not friends of the marriage and the consequence of that is distance and caution.  

Do yourself a favor and follow DH's lead to stay away. 

pollycracker's picture

BM actually stabbed DH the day he left her. She also made false claims against him in court and telling him she will withdraw it if he goes back to her. That is why the current squabble doesnt phase him much although it is stressing me out. He is comfortable with staying away, he says she will need to learn to respect me before she can come back.


Thank you everyone for your advice.

Rags's picture

Did he put her ass in prison?

If not, why not?