You are here

I do not know what to do

pollycracker's picture

Hi All

 

I need advice.

 

I am a step mom to a 10 year old girl. I have been in her life since she was 4 years old. I am now having some serious issues with her and her BM.

I have been married for 4 years. At first I loved my SD and spoiled her, but after having my own daughter I have lost all my emotions towards my SD. I resent her for being around, I hate that I have spoilt her and I do not spoil my own daughter. My husband loves our daughter and I feel deep inside he doesnt have a connection to SD. BM has been remarried and while she was good with her husband she was great with us and did not bother us, but now that she is divorced again she seems to be meddling into my relationship with my husband by forcing him to do things with SD. she has poisoned SD towards me.

My SD has become disgusting by masturbating while we are in the same room as her, she orgasmed whilst shaking like crazy and we were in the living room with her watching a movie. My 2 year old daughter has since starting touching her own vagina as well and it makes me sick. She has stolen a phone from our house and we discovered this months after she stole it as she was registering herself on snapchat with my husband's email address. BM has since confronted DH to tell him she has read all his messages especially messages between him and I while we are fighting and I admit I have said some very nasty things to my husband whilst fighting such as: you can go back to your slutty ex if you would like, XX is a whore but if you want this disgusting woman back you are free to leave the house. It was very personal messages which was not for her eyes. I feel so much resentment that she knew the phone was stolen and still persisted by reading our personal conversations, fights, my husband's banking information and everything that was sent to a phone.

 

I am totally sick to my stomach that his daughter stole the phone as we would have removed all our personal information before she got the phone. It was an extra phone we kept in case our current cellphones broke. My SD has become a source of anxiety to me, she enters my house and reports everything to her mother and BM then messages DH to complain about everything in my house including the food I make, whether we shower on a saturday or not, why she persists to wet the bed at my house as if i am abusing her. I sometimes even pay my husband's maintenance, I buy SD clothing which SD tells other poeple her BM bought her and not me, her step mom. I earn 4 times as much as DH so most of the finances are on my shoulders and I basically support our daughter myself. My SD basically gets more CS than my child as he does not support my child or buy our child any clothing.

 

I am tired of it all, SD gets clothing from her mother, her family and me whereas my child does not even get half of that. I am sick of including her and I want to dis-engage from SD totally as nothing I do receives any recognition.

please advise me? Am I being petty? I do not want to be a wicked step mother.

Thank you.

ndc's picture

You should most definitely stop supporting SD.  Don't buy her clothes, and absolutely do NOT pay your husband's CS/maintenance for him.  Supporting SD is her parents' responsibility, not yours.  Your husband needs to contribute to YOUR household in addition to paying CS to BM.  Unless you have chosen to live a lifestyle that your husband cannot afford - in which case you will need to pick up his slack - there is no reason that he should not be contributing to your daughter's expenses.  Is his CS too high for his income?  Does he need to have it modified because he is paying too much?

Unfortunately, as long as you are paying your husband's way and spending your hard earned money on SD to the detriment of your daughter, you are going to be resentful.  

I would also disengage from a child who is not appreciative and steals from you.  Don't worry about being the evil stepmom, as I'm sure you are already portrayed as such by BM and SD.

pollycracker's picture

In all fairness he does buy groceries, pays the household expenses like water, fuel and electricity. My main concern is that he doesn't contribute much to our daughter and her needs such as: toiletries, daycare fees, clothing etc. in that respect SD's CS is much more as it pays for her needs. With regard to DH he is an amazing father to our daughter in all other respects, he does everything with her and gives her loads of affection and attention so besides the financial stuff I cannot complain.

I earn that much more than him more than 4 times and we would not be able to have a home if it wasnt for me, he is working on studying further and recently got a new job which has helped.

I really do appreciate your advice.

SteppedOut's picture

Hell no would anyone be allowed in my home that mastubates in public! Seriously? Did you husband not correct her? Tell her to stop? WTF? 

It sounds like you would be better off divorced... instead of carrying his dead weight and another HUGE WTF, paying his maintenance? WHAT? Never do that again! 

pollycracker's picture

I was so appalled. she was humping her hand whilst laying on the couch, it was dark but the light from the TV and her heavy breathing made the orgasm visable. I think he was just as disturbed as me. He did inform BM who advised that she does it at home as well. So BM and her 2 children sleep in the same room (they have a bachelor flat) so I am not sure if BM was engaging in sexual activity infront of SD during the time she was married. she has been divorced for a year now. Which makes me feel sorry for SD as she does not have a good role model then.

Harry's picture

He doesn't parent his daughter, and treat bad as in paying BM money instead of you.  Why do you need to support this guy. Let BM have him.  But BM doesn't want to support him 

Kes's picture

Your house as well as BM's needs some boundaries put in place. Do not pay your husband's maintenance - this is his responsibility and his alone.   You can't do anything about BM's house, but you sure as hell can in your own.   The masturbating thing - if I had become aware that she was doing this in the same room as other people I would have stopped her immediately and given her the talk, ie that such activities are fine but ALONE and  IN PRIVATE ONLY.  I was shocked that neither you nor your husband saw fit to stop her. 

Her father also needs to make her aware that stealing will never be tolerated.  I advise you to lock up all sensitive items such as phones, alcohol, whatever else you don't want leaving the house, in a lockable cupboard when not in use.  The child is out of control and needs strong handling by her father.  If it comes to light anything has been taken there should be serious consequences involving loss of privileges.  

As BM is providing such an appalling role model, all the more reason for you and your husband to be good role models for her.  Goddess knows she needs some. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Give yourself permission to accept to did not create this child, you have little to no influence over her and you are not responsible for the person she grows up to be.  

Now stop immediately supporting her in any way shape or form. So what, she will not have what biochild has.  If you weren't married to her father she wouldn't have those things anyway. You will never be acknowledged or appreciated for it. There is no reason to be a martyr. 

I stopped and it was the best decision I ever made. SKs want or need something they get whatever Thier parents are able to provide. Trust me it's best to stop now. I like you make more money that SO. So I wanted to be generous. Guess what? As they get older they still treat you like crap and only look at you as a piggy bank.

I do not pay for anything for them. If SO can't afford to pay Thier way when me and DS have plans then they don't go. I do not purchase personal items for them, and I only buy the food DS and I eat. SO has to take care of the rest, because SKs will eat everything in a day and waste food. I will not throw my money out the window. 

The bonus to stopping is SO now gets annoyed when SKs waste food or don't take care of the things he buys them, so he actually addresses the behavior with them. It's funny how it's different when it's Thier money getting thrown out the window 

tog redux's picture

This is all very disturbing. Who is getting this 10 yo some therapy? Nothing she is doing is normal.  I would not stay in this situation. 

Crspyew's picture

Acting out sexually, the behaviors, all of it.  Has no one thought to get this child help?  Why didn't your husband intervene when she masturbated in front of you both?  I'll tell you why, because parenting is hard work.  He is not being a good parent to SD or your DD if he is not actively addressing this behavior.  Your greatest responsibility is to your daughter and she should  not be exposed to this chaos in her home.  DH needs to step up.  It is much easier to blame SD than it is the responsible parties, your DH and BM.

justmakingthebest's picture

Exactly! I don't know why the reaction is disgust instead of "OMG! We need to take her to her doctor immediately!" 

Make an appointment with her pediatrician, then a therapist. She needs to be examined for sexual abuse and she needs therapy.

tog redux's picture

Seriously. Sexual acting out and stealing. Maybe she needs to set a fire or kill an animal before anyone will get her help. 

Gimlet's picture

Agreed.  Not sure how dad can see his 10 year old "shaking with an orgasm" while masturbating in front of the whole family and not think that she needs to be seen ASAP. 

pollycracker's picture

Hi just making the best. I too am concerned, I spoke to her at the time and told her she has her own room and touching herself is a private thing. She went into her room at my house and stayed there for most of the weekend.

I told her father to inform her mother immediately, BM stated she does it at home as well, her BM sleeps next to her at night. 

I do not like to get involved in discipline because things always get out of control if I try to parent her like I would my own child. DH gets messages after each visit to tell him I shouldnt discipline her child because I am not her mother, I need to know my place. I dont know what to do and hence me reaching out. I did research and it seems that touching yourself appears to be normal so I tried not to overreaact but since you guys are saying its worrying I will ask DH to suggest counselling.

 

I am really unsure what to do, as I said I have been told my DM that I cannot parent her.

Momof6WI's picture

I feel like they should know that is a private thing to masturbate! I have the suspicion something else is going on, she needs professional help. 

Evil3's picture

Your SD masturbating in front of others and wetting the bed are signs that she's been messed with. I would call CPS for guideance and take her to a doctor to get a check up and referral to therapy. That little girl needs some serious help.

What is your DH doing other than talking to BM? If that's all he did, he's failing his dd. She needs help and she needs it now.

Sweetbug10's picture

You are in control here especially financially and I feel when we the women are the ones that are controlling and taking care of that nobody wants to pay attention or acknowledge that at any point their lives could impload if WE decide for it to. Stop taking care of his kid and let him be responsibke for her, take care of your expenses and your child and have as erious chat about dividnd the household responsibilities with DH. What would he do if he was single? how owuld he afford rent, utilities, a car, insurance and a kid??? He should be grateful and SHOW IT by doing a hell of a lot more than he is.

I feel and understand bc I am in the same boat. I pay ALL the bills even for the SS and H is barely understanding or appreciative sometimes. God forbid I make a comment about money or how i have none bc it goes towards taking care of literally everything I get defensive attitude and nasty comments back. Example I just got his kid new sneakers and other clothing as he was growing otu of everything - his own father has not gotten him shit since I entered the picture in 2016 so eberythign on both of their back has been gotten by me - my own damn fault and should have knwon then to leave. BUT you think seeing this all the time you would try to contribute more. But no neither of them do. So like i said ask for more and demand that you get it and if you dont what are you willing to have in your life? 

As for your SD's behavior she needs therapy that is highly inapproprite at any age to be doing things like this in front of people but to be experimenting at this age also needs to be addressed. Then the sneakyness and stealing also needs to be addressed. Not ok! Hope this all resolves itself without getting worse. 

pollycracker's picture

SD arrived here for the weekend. It was all okay until last night when DH was sleeping because he felt sick so I was up with the kids. When it was time for bed she wanted to wake her father up so that she could use his phone to call BM. I asked why but she didnt want to tell me why.

 

Husband told her he wasnt feeling well but asked her why she needed to call, everything was fine. He told her to talk to me. She spoke to me and told me she does not like to sleep alone, she is used to sleeping with her mom and her mom holds her at night. I offered for her to sleep with me and DD as we have a king sized bed. She said she prefers her dad sleeping with her on the couch so she can watch movies and at least he will be nearby.

 

That is what he did. He slept on 1 couch and her on the other as she did not want to sleep in her own room at our house. Sunday morning everything seemed fine until the afternoon, she went into my her room and closed the door. When her father checked on her she has packed and told us she wanted to go home. I dished her food and she ate a bit and said she was full. We then dropped her at home.

 

Still unsure why she wanted to call her mom. I think it was to force her father to sleep next to her. 

 

I am lost. I try my best. Just really feel like I need to disengage.

pollycracker's picture

DH doesnt know what to do. I think he fears if he questions BM too much that she will make a scene. She has said over and over that nothing is wrong with her. BM has a history of taking him to court and making false allegations. There was a time she got an interdict against him to not be near to BM which meant he asked family members to collect SD at their house and bring his SD to him. She showed up at his work and made a scene a fee years ago so I think that is why he feels like this. The whole situation is toxic and causes him a lot of anxiety.

 

He suffers from anxiety as a result and does not want any confrontation.

nappisan's picture

who cares what BM thinks ,,, he needs to sort things imediately with his daughter! This child needs to see a pediatrician asap!  Please stop paying his CS,, he created the child ,, he can pay it ,,, if he cant afford it ,,tough! he needs to make other payment arrangments with the BM.  I made the mistake of paying my SS school fees a few times , it was hard earned money i saved , meanwhile BM can afford to go away on girls trips etc when she is meant to be paying half.  Your bitterness is only going to grow everyday ,, disengage completely and let your DH do his own dirty work for a change