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Refusing Visitation

Dogmom1321's picture

So I have heard a lot on here that as SK get older, they start to refuse to visit "the house with the rules." I have heard a few different things... there is technically never an *actual* age that kids can choose custody, right?

So how does that happen? The Bio gives in and if SK says they don't want to go, then they just don't make them? Do they sometimes file for modification if the SK is refusing to visit? I know judges sometimes take into considersation the child's feelings... but do they ever have the final say? 

I have MANY friends that are not in blended families, that just assume "oh, the child gets to pick, right?" 

BM does not support SD10 relationship with me or her dad at all (shocker, I know). The other day she even threatened again "I'm leaving the state and I'm taking her with me!" I just feel like if SD ever gave her the SLIGHTEST inclination to not visit on our week, she would 100% support her not coming over. 

WwCorgi7's picture

Yes and this sucks! So my husband has been dealing with this from his 14 year old daughter. He currently has an open case and during mediation, the court mediator said that SD basically gets to decide at her age and for my husband to give up. My husband won't lose the custody he has now but it would be hard to gain any extra time. The confusing part is the court says my husband should make an effort to see her during his ordered time (he does) even if SD refuses to see him, they even suggested calling the police to force her and BM to abide by the order. BM is also supposed to encourage her and make her visit. BM has been alienating SD for years and all her hard work finally paid off I guess. 

SD became enraged when she found out that we were having a baby girl ( despite us having 3 boys already, and her having little sisters from her mom). SD completely cut my husband off and refuses to visit. My husband finally put his foot down and told her she is too young to make this decision and was heading over to speak with her. SD freaked out in the front yard screaming that she hates him and will never visit again, BM just stood there watching not intervening or trying to help. SD herself, then called the police on my husband. The police said they can't physically force the SD to speak to my husband or visit despite what the court order says. So basically it's time to wash our hands of it. I hope she never returns after all this mess she created. My husband is hurting (SD said horrible things to him) but I hope he can move on.

I wish you luck in the future with your SK. I'm not sure what state you live in but from what I have heard 13-14 is when they start deciding (even though they "can't" until 18) there isn't much you can do to force them to visit when they reach that age.


tog redux's picture

My SS20 started refusing to come over at age 15. He was increasingly alienated, the police can't force him, and we had already spent probably 40K in court before he stopped visitation, and I was done. I was unwilling to spend 3 more years in and out of court, and even DH 's attorney advised that he stop legal proceedings, so he did.

He was either hateful or totally ignoring for the following 3.5 years, but then returned to our lives (though it's superficial and he's still enmeshed with BM).

justmakingthebest's picture

Usually yes, there is a point where the kids opinions weigh in. The way it was described to me is that there are like 14 different valuations that go into custody. The kids opinion is just one of them. In our case the "kid's opinion" was so scripted by BM no one took it seriously.

In our case, after an INSANE amount of money and time in court, the judge is finally seeing the alienation and told my SS15 that he is not allowed to miss another visit until he is 18 or his mom will spend 30 days in jail.

To get to this point we went 2 years without seeing him. Things were REALLY bad. SS would text his dad and tell him for F-off. He would say that his dad has never been a dad to him. All kinds of things. It was always BM in his ear, we know the things she says to him- she has friends that tell us because it is so bad. 

He came for spring break this year and he has been here for about 3 week out of the 4 for the summer so far (we are long distance so we only get a total of 6 weeks a year). I couldn't tell you if it was worth the fight or not. I think we will only know after he is an adult and in the real world. All I know is that my first home, if I paid cash, cost less than what we have paid the lawyer. I have physical reactions to the stress- uncontrollable shaking, panic attacks, can't sleep, weight changes like a yo-yo. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband and we make a good team. If he wasn't who he is as a person, I probably would have left our marriage just due to all the drama. 

Rags's picture

I love this judge!!

It is great to have one who can see reality and what is truly in the best interests of the child.

What was the Skid's response to the Judge nailing BM's toxic ass to the wall?  

It is great that you and DH are such a great team.  Though we were the CP side of our blended family adventure, we made sure to work together to protect SS from the toxic shallow and polluted end of his gene pool by bringing as much pain as possible down on them and costing them as much as we possibly could. Which really was not all that much.  The could not afford much and we were willing and able to spend whatever it took to keep them quiet and firmly penned under their slime covered rock at the bottom of the genetic cess pool.

Ultimately SS has thrived.  He has so outperformed the combined population of his SpermClan that they occasionally beg him for bail out money or money to help support his three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas.  Fortunately, they are all over 18 now and none of them have been able to figure out how to guilt money out of our son.  

In our situation, it was the NCP side that manipulated, attempted to PAS SS, and was generally a PITA.  They had a similar visitation schedule to what your DH and SS have.  7 weeks per year.  (5wks summer, 1wk winter (alternating even and odd years so some years were only a couple of days and other years were 10-ish+ days, and wk spring).  We never denied SS his visitation with that part of his family. No matter how toxic they were.  However, from the time SS-27 was 2yo until he was 18yo there were several periods of a year or more when they refused visitation because they could not afford their half of visitation travel costs.  Once it had been a year, I would promote my DW and I paying for 100% of the next visitation so that SS would not have to go longer not seeing them.  One limit we set internally was that we would never do that twice and we would make it as embarrassing for the SpermClan as possible in order to prevent them from thinking it was the new normal.  SpermGrandHag knew that the next one was on her or there would be no next visitation until she and the SpermClan got their collective financial shit together.

I really have never had the struggles that so many have in the SParenting world. My DW is incredible and knew early on that she would do whatever was necessary to get on with her own life and to develop herself to successfully support herself and her son.  She was a 16 & pregnant/single teen mom who made the youthful poor decision of spawning with a then 22yo serial statutory rapist.  She did not let that youthful poor decision define her, her child or their lives.  Though I have been involved since very early (we met when SS-27 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo) my role has been to back my DW and provide a big stick when she needed support beating the SpermClan into submission and knocking their toxic crap ff.

A mutually supportive intelligent couple can succeed as a team in winning the blended family marathon battle while protecting themselves, their marriage, their family and the best interests of the Skids.

In my experience of course.

Live well.  It is the best revenge. Enjoy the wading days of live in a blended family with young children.  In a few years your DH will be off the hook for CS and you bout will also be able to not temper the message at all when it comes to the Skid.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

My DH has been through this with SD16.  She hasn't visited us since she was 13.  He was in counseling with her.  He traveled to where she lives with BM (900 miles away) several times.  We went back to court, but nothing helped.  She refused visitation and refused to work on the problems with DH. Truthfully, it got too expensive and emotionally draining to keep going.  SD16 started telling thesr horrible lies about DH to anyone who woul listen.  She even tried getting an order of protection against him.  At a point, he just had to stop.

I am also going through this as a BM.  My DS15 is refusing to visit his father.  My son was subjected to some abuse at exH house.  In fact, exH admitted to the abuse in our family counseling sessions.  He also told our son who was suffering from depression and suicidal to go ahead and kill himself.  He apparently thought DS was making it up and wanted to call him out. I was there for that one.  My DS can't seem to let go of it or forgive his dad.  We've been to court and the judge is not forcing visitation due to the abuse and the fact that we are all in counseling.  The truth is that I am not sure how I would enforce it anyway.  My son is over 6 feet tall and 160lbs.  There is no way I could physically make him go.  At this point, I am complying with the courts about counseling and trying to mend the relationship with exH and DS, but my DS has pretty much washed his hands of exH and wants nothing to do with him.  Truthfully, I will never understand why some BM'S go to such lengths to cause thse rifts.  I am exhausted from dealing with it.  And I don't feel like I have won anything.  It sucks watching my son in so much pain.