My skids live far away. I don't have to put up with their crap every day. And since joining this forum, I've decided not to put up with their crap at all. I sincerely empathize with those of you who have no choice about having little monsters in your homes. Our home is usually calm and peaceful when FH allows himself to actually enjoy my daughter without the guilt and fear of his own hellish daughters' reactions.
I also think STalk has reduced some of the tensions and frequency of disagreements about Visitation and Skid behavior between my Wife and I.
I can get it out here and not let it cloud my judgement when dealing with it all in my real life.
Also, the quiver of ideas and statements that I pick up in my time here has helped tremendously in my ability to move my Wife and our Blended Family activities past the tense and emotional stages and in to effective decision making and action.
A hundred (or two) heads are better than one which is certainly the case with StepTalk. I have maintained my core perspectives on parenting, spousing, and participated in a Blended Family. However, the exposure to much broader Blended Family experiences than my own and the exposure to how Ladies tend to look at and perceive the situations and Dramas of Blended Family life have helped me to be more supportive of and sensitive to what my Wife is dealing with and how she is dealing as far as my SS and his SpermClan are concerned.
Thanks all of my fellow STalkers and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)
For me and DH - definitely better. BM over here is just a whiny, stupid, extremely selfish moron VICTIM. But nothing that DH and I cannot handle, even if it causes us stress. I don't fear her as I would fear some of these other crazy BM's that people have to deal with on here. I do share with most of the step-moms on here that I CANNOT TRUST BM as far as I can spit or throw up :sick: !! I think I'm also lucky in that I don't care about some of the "boundries" that others seem to - they just don't bother me, so I can ignore them. When BM does cross a boundry that I do care about, DH and I are able to deal and tell her to back the "F" off... So I am lucky there.
SD and I, SD and DH, and DH and I have a great relationship. It's the relationship between SD and BM that is suffering and almost at the breaking point. BM may have lost her own daughter. And I look to this forum to help me answer those questions. I have no biological children of my own, so I look to the Biomom's on here for their thoughts and teaching.
I'm also on here because I need to get advice and guidance when BM does something that makes me go "WTF???". And for legal advice from people who have been there... And it is nice to know that I am not crazy when I think that kids today EXPECT too many gifts.. or that I'm not alone in thinking that discipline is the way to reach kids and that we have to sometimes make DH see that. It's nice to see people support each other and to share experiences and sometimes respond to something that someone else thinks is valid. But as I read, I realize how lucky and BLESSED I am. I truly ache for all of the good, no GREAT, people on here that try so hard and don't have the support of their significant others and have to deal with step children that need more than a spanking - they need to go back to ZERO and start over again.
So I thank everyone at Steptalk... for making me think, for making me laugh, for helping me to see things in a different light, and for giving me a desperately needed reality check every once in a while.
I have been a member for about two months now. I was just so stressed over BM and didn't know what to do. No one seemed to understand and then I found you guys!!
I read the stories and some I can relate to but others I'm like WOW I feel so bad, my issues aren't nearly as bad as others.
I'm grateful for StepTalk and being able to laugh at the nicknames of the BM's and the kids as oppose to wanting to go over to BM's house and kicking her ass! }:)
Girl.... You are one of the ones that I "ACHE" for the most!! I live in NYS as well and just am appalled and amazed of what you go through. I ADMIRE your perseverance in staying with BF... but most of all I ADMIRE your RESTRAINT in not just taking a dull rusty butterknife to BM and stabbing her with it... for not taking a dildo and shoving it up BF's butt and saying HERE GROW A PAIR and for not holding droopy under water until he is.... ummm ... clean!!
We value you to too much to lose you to any thoughts you may have of ending your Droopy misery.
Instead, give us a chance to perk you up and maybe once a year we should all get together for a pool/beach side alcohol fueled STalker convention. Woo hooo.
Hang in there.
And yes, I think you win the prize for difficult Blended Family situations. The manipulative CPS BioMom takes the cake I think.
Regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)
We got "surprise" full custody of a teenage non-parented Zippy.
I have raised two teen boys (and they were a handful) , ran a home daycare for 8 years with 5 children ranging in ages 3 months to grade 4, worked for a provincial child health organization for years but no where, have I seen, in all the years such an entitled, enabled, spoiled -pitied Zippy16.5
Like Crayon:
3. DH seldom if ever backs me or values my parenting experience
4. DH falls prey to Zippy's manipulation
Step Talk gives me a chance to vent about things I cannot tell DH as he will only take it as "critisim" of the uber sensitive Zippy.
DH does not support me in anyway shape or form when it comes to his Zippy-he and only he knows what is best and the marriage and house be damned
More clearly I see that I should have waited until Zippy was off to college (next year he graduates high school)-
DH's best friend has a son nearing 40 still living with his parents (very Zip like)-DH rudely tells these people they should boot their son-I just roll my eyes because DH will still be making excuses for why Zip is still with us after all these years...
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Well, obviously no one has my exact situation, although a few have similar ones, it does help to read that it could be worse! So this site usually makes me feel better Although if you read it everyday, I find that it can sorta consume you and make you think about it more often, and I find some things really are trivial and shouldn't be as big of a deal as they turn into.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
yeah it just seems that if you're on here everyday, you start getting obsessed about every little thing & it consumes you more than it should, ya know?
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
that I found this place and can read about all the situations and then thank GOD again that mine isn't as bad as some of yours! My skids are clean and don't smell (usually lol).
My biggest problem is that BM has gone psycho the past few years and her wacko-ness has caused me from thinking she was not bad to HATING her, which leads to me to disliking the skids (which I've been SM to for 9 years) and I can't figure out how this is happening. I've loved these girls for so long and now I get pissed EOW when they are at my house. Ugh!
I think had I not found this sight DH and I would be seperated by now, I will be the 1st to admit that I am not a spur of the moment stop and think kind of person. WHen I am upset I blurt (or I did untill I found step talk) mean, over the top stuff. Now I usually STOP, TYPE, Wait and then after I get some input from my GREAT Step talk friends on how to handle the problem, Then talk to DH. I truely believe step talk has saved my marriage thus far. Also has helped me get DH to set boundries, stop SD's crazy "princess" get away with anything, and get DH to step up to the "father" plate not just "DADDY" :sick: and learn there is more to being a dad then the "princess"!!!
THANKS MY STEP TAK FRIENDS
I refuse to allow SD/BM/or MIL to ruin my marriage! Thinkin about changing my name to "takencharge"
I've been told repeatedly that I have the most psycho BM on this website. I agree 100%. She's completely, undeniably, certifiably crazy. And there's nothing we can do about it.
Despite how ridiculous she has made things for us, it has gotten better in the past 8 months. I attribute this completely to the birth of my BD.
I've been here for a long, long time. I try not to compare my situation to others because I don't want people to feel like their feelings or problems are being trivialized. But I do feel like I have some of the worst circumstances on the site when it comes to BM.
Luckily, most of my problems are BM-related, and not SK-related. When it comes to SKids I am truly blessed, as many of you poor ladies and gents are far worse off than me in that category.
WORSE in the fact that we have stepkid almost 50% of the time. Most here only have EOW or some only have a few weeks in the summer(what a dream that must be)!. WORSE in the fact not only is BM a crazy bitch but she has DH wrapped completly around her finger. Granted most BM's here are like mine BUT most DB/DH support their GF's/wifes somewhat UNLIKE mine who completly disrespects me and my feelings. WORSE in the fact BM/SS are local which means more contact with both. Most steps on here seem to at least live in anouther town from BM/Stepkid unlike me who lives not 5 mins away. WORSE in the fact DH pays more money out in child support($1500/mo for 1 kid) even though we care for SS almost as much as BM does. We are by no means rich how she gets all this money is behond me. The person I can relate my situation most to is crayon as we seem to have very similar situations(lucky her ).
BETTER in the fact I have somewhere to go and vent with people who understand. I'm SO SICK of people saying things like " Oh think how hard it must be for BM to see you in her place" or "parents really need to do whats best for the child regardless of what it means for them". This last statement is the LAST thing DH needs to be told as he has MASSIVE guilt parenting! Everytime I hear it I want to puke!
and I find myself smiling and laughing at some of the things posted and empathizing with all of it. I now feel I am not such a horrible person for not liking my SS12 and that there are people who can understand where I am coming from.
To answer your question stuknaz, I feel my situation is average. There are a lot of you SP's out there that have situations that are unreal. I don't feel I fall in that category. On the other hand, we all seem to have one thing in common and that is that there is an important area in our lives that is significantly out of our control. And it sucks.
If you will allow me, I would like to share my story. 8 years ago I met my DH. He told me right away that he had 2 sons and that they lived with their mother out of state. He hadn't seen them in over a year at that point. He and I quickly entered into a relationship and by the next summer we were living together and we were attempting to get visitation with the boys. Summer 2002 it didn't happen but he made several visits to them to reinstate his relationship with them so by Summer 2003 they came to us for 6 weeks. They were 4 and 5 at the time. They stayed with us every summer for 6 weeks and we got a week at Thanksgiving. Back in Oct 2005, we moved to their state to be closer to them and we now get them every other weekend as well as summer break, spring break and Thanksgiving and extra time at Christmas. We try to go to their sporting and school events and, all in all, the visitation schedule and DH's relationship to SS's is good. 2006 DH and I got married and we had BD2 in 2007. A lot of changes.
Now for the part that I need to vent over. SS10 and I have a pretty good relationship. He and I laugh and joke and he attempts to follow our house rules (he's pretty good for a 10 year old boy). Keep in mind, he has never known his BM and BF as a couple. I don't think we have a mother/son relationship but I think we could end up being good friends. Unfortunatly, I can't say the same about SS12 and myself. To be completely honest, I don't like the kid. He lies, cheats, steals and he takes advantage of those weaker and if he gets caught, he acts stupid.
Here is how I believe he got this way. The first summer he was with us for 6 weeks (age 5) he was completely out of control. See ADHD symptoms for a list of what this kid did. He was textbook. By our next visit with him at Thanksgiving, BM had him diagnosed with ADHD and he was on Ritalin. It worked! He was able to focus and was getting A's and B's in school. The bad behavior was more limited but some was still there. It was workable though and I felt rest of the behavior would disappear with consistant parenting and him maturing. By age 7 she had him diagnosed with ODD (different meds) and by age 10 it was Asperger's Syndrome and now he has been diagnosed with depression on top of it (go figure). He is currently on 3 different meds, only one of which had been tested on children. One is for Schizophrenia, one is for bi-polar disorder and one is for depression (Notice-he is not being treated for ADHD). He is on adult dosages for all three, but doesn't weigh more than 65lbs soaking wet. I want to reiterate here, that while I believe he is ADHD, when I look at the symptoms for ODD and Asperger's syndrome he has maybe one or two (which are ADHD symptoms). I do not, in my heart, believe this child is intellectually disabled. I think he has been over-mothered and has been given every excuse to fail.
SS12 has been told that he can't remember and that is part of his Asperger's so whenever he doesn't feel like completing a task, he convienantly forgets how to do it or what he was doing. It's amazing what he can remember when it is something he cares about though. He is in a specialized program at school where he is not expected to read or do math at the same level as his classmates and he is not expected to do science or social studies at all. He also doesn't have to do homework because he isn't expected to remember to turn it in. And now, BM has put him in Special Olympics. He has won all of his events by a landslide and is now able to go to Nationals. DH and I are hugely embarrased. Here is this kid who's biggest problem is that he is not considered responsible for his actions competing against kids who are really challenged. I am completely frustrated by the BM being completely oblivious to what she is doing to her child and to DH allowing her to do it without saying "boo". I used to give her a lot of slack before I became a mother myself and now all I can think is that I would never want BD2 to believe she was less than capable.
So here we are. I dread having SS12 come over to my house and to a lesser extent SS10. DH dreads having to say anything to BM and neither SS's are getting a good deal. Anyway, that's my story. I don't think there are any solutions that I can put into affect (I am, afterall, just the stepmother and as such have no rights) but it is helpful to know that I am not alone.
Since joining this website I have come to realise that there are millions of parents out there dealing with the same awful emotions as me. This really does help and makes you realise you are not alone. I was on the verge of cracking up before I found this site. Now I think It gives me strength and the ability to stick up for myself more.
My step family and certain problem in-laws I think are more dysfunctional than most however. That is not going to change and you can't reason with madness. Now, I have completely disengaged from those responsible. If my dh doesn't like it, he knows where the door is.
I feel that my SITUATION is better. BM (who had tons of psychological issues, alcoholic, etc) died and is not an issue for us. But I feel like I have worse PERSONAL issues. I have seen that I am way too sensitive and insecure. I think my jealousy over SD8 is justified, but the way I choose to handle it is usually wrong. I'm learning though...I'm a work in progress.
I'd say mine is better, because I only have trouble with the BM. At first, my DH was pretty much wrapped around her finger (before we were married), but he heard me when I started to tell him I couldn't be with someone who was for all practical purposes still married to his ex (doing tons of favors for her, and in every way but living with her and having sex with her standing in as the husband).
So, DH listens to me, and therefore, BM has been much more under control for about the last year (since we sicced an attorney on her). I don't have problems with my stepkids (knock on wood). I consider myself pretty lucky, all things considered. And I, too, have benefited GREATLY from StepTalk -- in seeing that I'm not alone, and sometimes even in reading DH a post from someone who is going through something similar to what we've gone through with the BM!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
We are nearly all here b/c of the bad times of blending, of BMs, of DHs of SKs of our own kids.
But if you stay long enough, if you listen with an open heart to the tales of other SMs, if you not only vent and commiserate, but also congratulate and cheer others on...
You start to appreciate that-
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
each challenge is an opportunity for growth
there is no pass or fail when it comes to relationships-
there is only an opportunity to learn more about what love is and what it isn't,
what you are capable of giving and allowing yourself to receive.
And there is the realization that I would not have made some amazing friends on here who have transcended into my real life friends, if BM and SD's illness had not driven me to the sanctuary of this site.
I believe I have it better than some of you all here but there are still things that rank right up there in terms of BM being a bad parent! But I will say I enjoy being a member of ST and meeting all of you wonderful ladies....and gents too! Being able to vent to you all helps me so much. Thank you all!
I have learned that many many men and women suffer through the same feelings and situations as I do. I like to think that I have it better than some since I only have BM issues and adore my skids to pieces.
Reading other's stories reminds me that I'm not alone and that others have to deal with the same things I do. I take comfort in the fact that I'm not a bad person for feeling jealousy toward the BM and feeling insecure when BF has to interact with her. I've really enjoyed reading about all you lovely ladies' stories and solutions to the problems I have presented to you all for help.
I'm lucky compared with some of you poor ladies
My skids live far away. I don't have to put up with their crap every day. And since joining this forum, I've decided not to put up with their crap at all. I sincerely empathize with those of you who have no choice about having little monsters in your homes. Our home is usually calm and peaceful when FH allows himself to actually enjoy my daughter without the guilt and fear of his own hellish daughters' reactions.
Far better than most.
I also think STalk has reduced some of the tensions and frequency of disagreements about Visitation and Skid behavior between my Wife and I.
I can get it out here and not let it cloud my judgement when dealing with it all in my real life.
Also, the quiver of ideas and statements that I pick up in my time here has helped tremendously in my ability to move my Wife and our Blended Family activities past the tense and emotional stages and in to effective decision making and action.
A hundred (or two) heads are better than one which is certainly the case with StepTalk. I have maintained my core perspectives on parenting, spousing, and participated in a Blended Family. However, the exposure to much broader Blended Family experiences than my own and the exposure to how Ladies tend to look at and perceive the situations and Dramas of Blended Family life have helped me to be more supportive of and sensitive to what my Wife is dealing with and how she is dealing as far as my SS and his SpermClan are concerned.
Thanks all of my fellow STalkers and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)
Stuknaz - I'm lucky as well... and thanks to all
For me and DH - definitely better. BM over here is just a whiny, stupid, extremely selfish moron VICTIM. But nothing that DH and I cannot handle, even if it causes us stress. I don't fear her as I would fear some of these other crazy BM's that people have to deal with on here. I do share with most of the step-moms on here that I CANNOT TRUST BM as far as I can spit or throw up :sick: !! I think I'm also lucky in that I don't care about some of the "boundries" that others seem to - they just don't bother me, so I can ignore them. When BM does cross a boundry that I do care about, DH and I are able to deal and tell her to back the "F" off... So I am lucky there.
SD and I, SD and DH, and DH and I have a great relationship. It's the relationship between SD and BM that is suffering and almost at the breaking point. BM may have lost her own daughter. And I look to this forum to help me answer those questions. I have no biological children of my own, so I look to the Biomom's on here for their thoughts and teaching.
I'm also on here because I need to get advice and guidance when BM does something that makes me go "WTF???". And for legal advice from people who have been there... And it is nice to know that I am not crazy when I think that kids today EXPECT too many gifts.. or that I'm not alone in thinking that discipline is the way to reach kids and that we have to sometimes make DH see that. It's nice to see people support each other and to share experiences and sometimes respond to something that someone else thinks is valid. But as I read, I realize how lucky and BLESSED I am. I truly ache for all of the good, no GREAT, people on here that try so hard and don't have the support of their significant others and have to deal with step children that need more than a spanking - they need to go back to ZERO and start over again.
So I thank everyone at Steptalk... for making me think, for making me laugh, for helping me to see things in a different light, and for giving me a desperately needed reality check every once in a while.
Hey Stick and Rags I agree
I have been a member for about two months now. I was just so stressed over BM and didn't know what to do. No one seemed to understand and then I found you guys!!
I read the stories and some I can relate to but others I'm like WOW I feel so bad, my issues aren't nearly as bad as others.
I'm grateful for StepTalk and being able to laugh at the nicknames of the BM's and the kids as oppose to wanting to go over to BM's house and kicking her ass! }:)
Thanks you guys!
"And this too shall pass..."
Crayon
Girl.... You are one of the ones that I "ACHE" for the most!! I live in NYS as well and just am appalled and amazed of what you go through. I ADMIRE your perseverance in staying with BF... but most of all I ADMIRE your RESTRAINT in not just taking a dull rusty butterknife to BM and stabbing her with it... for not taking a dildo and shoving it up BF's butt and saying HERE GROW A PAIR and for not holding droopy under water until he is.... ummm ... clean!!
Oh Stick!
I actually snorted coffee through my nose when I read that one. ROFL!
Bwawk-!! OMG Crayon LOL!
Now I am snorting too-!! you are too funny
"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912
Not to mention that Droopy
obviously has some serious issues that need adressing right now before he is condemned to a life of social isolation and complete dependence.
Stay away from car tail pipes, firearms or pill bottles.
Crayon,
We value you to too much to lose you to any thoughts you may have of ending your Droopy misery.
Instead, give us a chance to perk you up and maybe once a year we should all get together for a pool/beach side alcohol fueled STalker convention. Woo hooo.
Hang in there.
And yes, I think you win the prize for difficult Blended Family situations. The manipulative CPS BioMom takes the cake I think.
Regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)
My situation
We got "surprise" full custody of a teenage non-parented Zippy.
I have raised two teen boys (and they were a handful) , ran a home daycare for 8 years with 5 children ranging in ages 3 months to grade 4, worked for a provincial child health organization for years but no where, have I seen, in all the years such an entitled, enabled, spoiled -pitied Zippy16.5
Like Crayon:
3. DH seldom if ever backs me or values my parenting experience
4. DH falls prey to Zippy's manipulation
Step Talk gives me a chance to vent about things I cannot tell DH as he will only take it as "critisim" of the uber sensitive Zippy.
DH does not support me in anyway shape or form when it comes to his Zippy-he and only he knows what is best and the marriage and house be damned
More clearly I see that I should have waited until Zippy was off to college (next year he graduates high school)-
DH's best friend has a son nearing 40 still living with his parents (very Zip like)-DH rudely tells these people they should boot their son-I just roll my eyes because DH will still be making excuses for why Zip is still with us after all these years...
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Well, obviously no one has
Well, obviously no one has my exact situation, although a few have similar ones, it does help to read that it could be worse! So this site usually makes me feel better
Although if you read it everyday, I find that it can sorta consume you and make you think about it more often, and I find some things really are trivial and shouldn't be as big of a deal as they turn into.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
You are right Melis070179 your last sentence
some things really are trivial and shouldn't be as big of a deal as they turn into.
"And this too shall pass..."
yeah it just seems that if
yeah it just seems that if you're on here everyday, you start getting obsessed about every little thing & it consumes you more than it should, ya know?
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Our situation...
with BM isn't as bad as some on here.
Our problems are with each other. We just have to work through our issues and find out if we can stay together.
I thank GOD
that I found this place and can read about all the situations and then thank GOD again that mine isn't as bad as some of yours! My skids are clean and don't smell (usually lol).
My biggest problem is that BM has gone psycho the past few years and her wacko-ness has caused me from thinking she was not bad to HATING her, which leads to me to disliking the skids (which I've been SM to for 9 years) and I can't figure out how this is happening. I've loved these girls for so long and now I get pissed EOW when they are at my house. Ugh!
So yes this place is so helpful to me!!
I AM so Greatful for ST
I think had I not found this sight DH and I would be seperated by now, I will be the 1st to admit that I am not a spur of the moment stop and think kind of person. WHen I am upset I blurt (or I did untill I found step talk) mean, over the top stuff. Now I usually STOP, TYPE, Wait and then after I get some input from my GREAT Step talk friends on how to handle the problem, Then talk to DH. I truely believe step talk has saved my marriage thus far. Also has helped me get DH to set boundries, stop SD's crazy "princess" get away with anything, and get DH to step up to the "father" plate not just "DADDY" :sick: and learn there is more to being a dad then the "princess"!!!
THANKS MY STEP TAK FRIENDS
I refuse to allow SD/BM/or MIL to ruin my marriage! Thinkin about changing my name to "takencharge"
Worse than most, but improving
I've been told repeatedly that I have the most psycho BM on this website. I agree 100%. She's completely, undeniably, certifiably crazy. And there's nothing we can do about it.
Despite how ridiculous she has made things for us, it has gotten better in the past 8 months. I attribute this completely to the birth of my BD.
I've been here for a long, long time. I try not to compare my situation to others because I don't want people to feel like their feelings or problems are being trivialized. But I do feel like I have some of the worst circumstances on the site when it comes to BM.
Luckily, most of my problems are BM-related, and not SK-related. When it comes to SKids I am truly blessed, as many of you poor ladies and gents are far worse off than me in that category.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Worse in someways better in others
WORSE in the fact that we have stepkid almost 50% of the time. Most here only have EOW or some only have a few weeks in the summer(what a dream that must be)!. WORSE in the fact not only is BM a crazy bitch but she has DH wrapped completly around her finger. Granted most BM's here are like mine BUT most DB/DH support their GF's/wifes somewhat UNLIKE mine who completly disrespects me and my feelings. WORSE in the fact BM/SS are local which means more contact with both. Most steps on here seem to at least live in anouther town from BM/Stepkid unlike me who lives not 5 mins away. WORSE in the fact DH pays more money out in child support($1500/mo for 1 kid) even though we care for SS almost as much as BM does. We are by no means rich how she gets all this money is behond me. The person I can relate my situation most to is crayon as we seem to have very similar situations(lucky her
).
BETTER in the fact I have somewhere to go and vent with people who understand. I'm SO SICK of people saying things like " Oh think how hard it must be for BM to see you in her place" or "parents really need to do whats best for the child regardless of what it means for them". This last statement is the LAST thing DH needs to be told as he has MASSIVE guilt parenting! Everytime I hear it I want to puke!
oh man Sarah, I'm so sorry
oh man Sarah, I'm so sorry for you!!!
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
I have been reading for 2 days...
and I find myself smiling and laughing at some of the things posted and empathizing with all of it. I now feel I am not such a horrible person for not liking my SS12 and that there are people who can understand where I am coming from.
To answer your question stuknaz, I feel my situation is average. There are a lot of you SP's out there that have situations that are unreal. I don't feel I fall in that category. On the other hand, we all seem to have one thing in common and that is that there is an important area in our lives that is significantly out of our control. And it sucks.
If you will allow me, I would like to share my story. 8 years ago I met my DH. He told me right away that he had 2 sons and that they lived with their mother out of state. He hadn't seen them in over a year at that point. He and I quickly entered into a relationship and by the next summer we were living together and we were attempting to get visitation with the boys. Summer 2002 it didn't happen but he made several visits to them to reinstate his relationship with them so by Summer 2003 they came to us for 6 weeks. They were 4 and 5 at the time. They stayed with us every summer for 6 weeks and we got a week at Thanksgiving. Back in Oct 2005, we moved to their state to be closer to them and we now get them every other weekend as well as summer break, spring break and Thanksgiving and extra time at Christmas. We try to go to their sporting and school events and, all in all, the visitation schedule and DH's relationship to SS's is good. 2006 DH and I got married and we had BD2 in 2007. A lot of changes.
Now for the part that I need to vent over. SS10 and I have a pretty good relationship. He and I laugh and joke and he attempts to follow our house rules (he's pretty good for a 10 year old boy). Keep in mind, he has never known his BM and BF as a couple. I don't think we have a mother/son relationship but I think we could end up being good friends. Unfortunatly, I can't say the same about SS12 and myself. To be completely honest, I don't like the kid. He lies, cheats, steals and he takes advantage of those weaker and if he gets caught, he acts stupid.
Here is how I believe he got this way. The first summer he was with us for 6 weeks (age 5) he was completely out of control. See ADHD symptoms for a list of what this kid did. He was textbook. By our next visit with him at Thanksgiving, BM had him diagnosed with ADHD and he was on Ritalin. It worked! He was able to focus and was getting A's and B's in school. The bad behavior was more limited but some was still there. It was workable though and I felt rest of the behavior would disappear with consistant parenting and him maturing. By age 7 she had him diagnosed with ODD (different meds) and by age 10 it was Asperger's Syndrome and now he has been diagnosed with depression on top of it (go figure). He is currently on 3 different meds, only one of which had been tested on children. One is for Schizophrenia, one is for bi-polar disorder and one is for depression (Notice-he is not being treated for ADHD). He is on adult dosages for all three, but doesn't weigh more than 65lbs soaking wet. I want to reiterate here, that while I believe he is ADHD, when I look at the symptoms for ODD and Asperger's syndrome he has maybe one or two (which are ADHD symptoms). I do not, in my heart, believe this child is intellectually disabled. I think he has been over-mothered and has been given every excuse to fail.
SS12 has been told that he can't remember and that is part of his Asperger's so whenever he doesn't feel like completing a task, he convienantly forgets how to do it or what he was doing. It's amazing what he can remember when it is something he cares about though. He is in a specialized program at school where he is not expected to read or do math at the same level as his classmates and he is not expected to do science or social studies at all. He also doesn't have to do homework because he isn't expected to remember to turn it in. And now, BM has put him in Special Olympics. He has won all of his events by a landslide and is now able to go to Nationals. DH and I are hugely embarrased. Here is this kid who's biggest problem is that he is not considered responsible for his actions competing against kids who are really challenged. I am completely frustrated by the BM being completely oblivious to what she is doing to her child and to DH allowing her to do it without saying "boo". I used to give her a lot of slack before I became a mother myself and now all I can think is that I would never want BD2 to believe she was less than capable.
So here we are. I dread having SS12 come over to my house and to a lesser extent SS10. DH dreads having to say anything to BM and neither SS's are getting a good deal. Anyway, that's my story. I don't think there are any solutions that I can put into affect (I am, afterall, just the stepmother and as such have no rights) but it is helpful to know that I am not alone.
Since joining this website I
Since joining this website I have come to realise that there are millions of parents out there dealing with the same awful emotions as me. This really does help and makes you realise you are not alone. I was on the verge of cracking up before I found this site. Now I think It gives me strength and the ability to stick up for myself more.
My step family and certain problem in-laws I think are more dysfunctional than most however. That is not going to change and you can't reason with madness. Now, I have completely disengaged from those responsible. If my dh doesn't like it, he knows where the door is.
Honestly+++
I feel that my SITUATION is better. BM (who had tons of psychological issues, alcoholic, etc) died and is not an issue for us. But I feel like I have worse PERSONAL issues. I have seen that I am way too sensitive and insecure. I think my jealousy over SD8 is justified, but the way I choose to handle it is usually wrong. I'm learning though...I'm a work in progress.
Better, mostly.
I'd say mine is better, because I only have trouble with the BM. At first, my DH was pretty much wrapped around her finger (before we were married), but he heard me when I started to tell him I couldn't be with someone who was for all practical purposes still married to his ex (doing tons of favors for her, and in every way but living with her and having sex with her standing in as the husband).
So, DH listens to me, and therefore, BM has been much more under control for about the last year (since we sicced an attorney on her). I don't have problems with my stepkids (knock on wood). I consider myself pretty lucky, all things considered. And I, too, have benefited GREATLY from StepTalk -- in seeing that I'm not alone, and sometimes even in reading DH a post from someone who is going through something similar to what we've gone through with the BM!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I think everyone's case is as bad or good as mine depending
We are nearly all here b/c of the bad times of blending, of BMs, of DHs of SKs of our own kids.
But if you stay long enough, if you listen with an open heart to the tales of other SMs, if you not only vent and commiserate, but also congratulate and cheer others on...
You start to appreciate that-
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
each challenge is an opportunity for growth
there is no pass or fail when it comes to relationships-
there is only an opportunity to learn more about what love is and what it isn't,
what you are capable of giving and allowing yourself to receive.
And there is the realization that I would not have made some amazing friends on here who have transcended into my real life friends, if BM and SD's illness had not driven me to the sanctuary of this site.
I believe I have it better
I believe I have it better than some of you all here but there are still things that rank right up there in terms of BM being a bad parent! But I will say I enjoy being a member of ST and meeting all of you wonderful ladies....and gents too! Being able to vent to you all helps me so much. Thank you all!
Since joining
I have learned that many many men and women suffer through the same feelings and situations as I do. I like to think that I have it better than some since I only have BM issues and adore my skids to pieces.
Reading other's stories reminds me that I'm not alone and that others have to deal with the same things I do. I take comfort in the fact that I'm not a bad person for feeling jealousy toward the BM and feeling insecure when BF has to interact with her. I've really enjoyed reading about all you lovely ladies' stories and solutions to the problems I have presented to you all for help.