PTSD is real in step life
It's been a very long time since I've posted. I took a break from steptalk for a while because I felt it was contributing to me liking skids less and less. It didn't really help. Nothing new to report on skids, they are both unchanged except they're older. Still two unmotivated slovenly leaches on society. SD has long since moved out and chooses not to be apart of our lives which is fine by me. SS is still in our basement, working part time for pocket change, not a care in his world. No desire to become or contribute anything to society.
The skids don't like me, never did, and they don't need a reason. The BM in my case couldn't be bothered with her children and has been basically absent the whole 12 years I've been married to DH and apart of this circus.
I've never tried replacing their mother. I did try to be nice to them, encouraging, kind, helpful. All of those efforts were in vain.
This morning I awoke early to prepare my famous French toast for DH and myself. It's a rare treat for us. I also fried up a ton of yummy bacon to go along with it. While I was cooking I recalled a memory from my past that literally traumatized me because I felt the sting of hurt all over again. It was many years ago back when I was "trying" to really make a good relationship with skids. I woke early, prepared the French toast which I had made before and knew they loved. I packed their lunches for school. I woke them up and said I made my famous French toast and then left to get ready for work myself. I came back into the kitchen to find they had left. They didn't eat a bite of breakfast, everything was the same as I'd left it and they didn't take their lunches either.
Later that night they bragged about stopping on their way to school for breakfast, their eyes searching my face for a painful reaction. They never got one and I didn't give them the pleasure of a comment. I never spoke of their rudeness to them and I certainly never prepared breakfast and lunches for them again.
So DH and I finished breakfast while lazy SS slept the morning away as is his usual. There were left overs, BUT I put them all down the disposal, no way was he getting any. I never forgot how awful He was to me years ago. He popped up from the basement just in time to see me feed the last of the bacon to the dog. He said something smelled good, I told him we had French toast and bacon but so sorry, there was none left. I hate wasting food but I took pleasure in that.
The older I get, the less tolerant I become. I also do not buy snacks that are carried into the basement and devoured by SS without consideration for others. I stockpile it under lock and key but will happily pop open a bag of chips and eat them right in front of skid. Mind you, he's 20 now. He can feed himself as far as I'm concerned.
You teach people how to treat you. And teach me they did!
Good on you.
I have started doing similar. Like you I can’t forget the rotten treatment I have received over the years.
I most definitely believe I
I most definitely believe I have some PTSD symptoms from dealing with DH's high conflict ex and the parental alienation. When DH last had to go to court a few months ago, after years of peace due to PAS, it took us both days to get back to our normal state of being.
StepTalk is pretty negative, I agree. I think there are a lot of people here who choose to stay in crappy situations and blame it on the skids instead of on DH, where it belongs. And they don't own their own choice to stay in a situation that makes them miserable.
Anyway, obviously, you have made peace with your situation. I don't know if your DH is the reason these skids treated you like dirt, but he must be part of it, I assume. If it all works for you now, then great.
I'll agree that DH is by far
I'll agree that DH is by far a better husband than he is a father. The skids haven't been raised properly IMO, but that's not my concern.
If it were not for being somewhat separated from SS due to him living in the basement, I probably would have flown the coop by now. It provides a buffer of sorts.
I agree that he should be launched but DH feels as long as he's working and paying for his own stuff less food and shelter, he can live with us. I don't think I'd win that battle now but maybe in a few years. I don't get kids who want to live at home into their twenties. I launched ASAP but I was much more mature than either skid and nobody caught me when I fell.
I am a good cook - I should
I am a good cook - I should be, as I've had 40 yrs practice since I married my first husband age 21. In the early years of SDs coming over EOW, I used to cook them nice meals, but they hardly ever ate it, pushed it around the plate and complained they didn't like whatever it was. In the end I insisted my husband cooked when they were staying, he is not a good cook and only really knew 2 meals, but they ate it all up of course. But it still hurts that he never gave them hell for their bad attitude towards me. I wouldn't go so far as to call it PTSD, but I still resent it.
Been there and done that too.
Been there and done that too. "We want dad to cook, his food is better." When they know it's not. It's just to hurt you. I know all about that.
What skids don't get is they pay for that later. I'm a forgiving person too, but not when I'm stabbed over and over with the same type of hurt. A person just gives up over time.
PTSD is real. After 7 years
PTSD is real. After 7 years of dealing with a high conflict BM, I can't. help but scan the parking lots for anywhere I am at to make sure her/her SO's car is not there.
Omg, I do the same thing! My
Omg, I do the same thing! My DH ran into BM at Costco once years ago and she made a huge scene, threw a huge package of toilet paper at him! Wish I had been there to see it!
It's weird. It is really hard
It's weird. It is really hard and I joke around with friends and family about Post Traumatic Stephell Disorder.
My DH has put us and our relationship first for years now. He prioritizes our marriage and our comfort and happiness. Skids are all 18 and over.
But I still cringe or almost brace myself when skids are mentioned or are coming over. I try to "loosen up" and just go with the flow...and I'm able to, to some degree. But it's like my physical body actually can't forget the closed-off, defensive posture I used to relexively assume on skid weekends. And my mind can't forget the times that DH decided to do something like...plan a huge, fancy steak dinner and party for SS rather than pay my car bill (with my money!)
Again. It hasn't been that way for at least 4 years...maybe 5. So half our marriage now, has been good. Maybe once the good outweighs the bad?
Mine has always put me first
Mine has always put me first as well, maybe that's not right, I don't know, but I've always been on a pedestal. I keep feelings for skids to myself mostly, as well as things I've endured from them like rejecting my effort to make food for them, totally unappreciative. I don't inundate my spouse with it because he can't really do anything about it. It's just plain old brainwashing from BM.
“I never forgot how awful He
“I never forgot how awful He was to me years ago. He popped up from the basement just in time to see me feed the last of the bacon to the dog. He said something smelled good, I told him we had French toast and bacon but so sorry, there was none left. I hate wasting food but I took pleasure in that.”
I see a past, present and future where a lot of revisionist history will go on in this family. The SKs will all talk about what an Evil SM you were because, “There was that one time they were all so hungry in the morning, and you took the last of the bacon and fed it to the dog.” That and other similar stories will go around and around, and the whole !@#$! family and neighbors will all say, “Yep, those SMs. . ..” And, someday you may even see that experience show up in a movie or episode of how EVIL SMs really are!
I only used your example to show people when they hear these types of comments from SKs, how often so much is left out of the picture. I know personally too, not only from my own experiences and expectations now as a SM, but from the fact that I had a step-grandmother. She was a single woman when she married my grandfather with six kids. These six kids had just lost their mother to a long illness too. SM got them all cleaned up and raised and fed and clothed them and so on, and they all turned out rather successful and went on to have families of their own, I might add. But, if you go by their memories, even in their 80s, they all pretty much run around talking about how bad they had it because of SM!!
You just can’t win, and to make matters worse, everyone seems to love to lap up all of this revisionist history. My mom had three older brothers, whom my grandpa let do whatever for a year or two until he married my (step) grandma. The hell that poor woman must’ve went through to reign those boys in and make men of them, and she also had to deal with my mom, the first girl and a definite daddy’s girl, geesh! But, no one sees that AT ALL, at all other than maybe another SM.
Anyway, I’m going on and on once again. Yes, Evil SMs for the most part are made and not born. They are made through revisionist history and by twisting tales and stories to show SM in the worst possible light, while showing the rest of the family in the best. SMs are rarely appreciated, much less given any thanks. Chronic PTSD is very real for far too many SMs, and I, for one, can see why.
Yes, I know they cry foul on
Yes, I know they cry foul on me, BM has called to "put me in my place" over it. *yahoo*
And they complain about me to other people they think will pity them, like DH's sister who remains good friends with BM and made a choice not to like me from day 1.
But I have news for them all, no shits will be given for any of their opinions. I know the whole story, both sides of it, and that's all that matters to me.
I brace myself every time. It
I brace myself every time. It's physical. My entire body tenses up and even the mention of their names, thrown so casually into nearly every conversation my OH has with strangers (always to give him some other background to let everyone know he's really a family man when he's just out with me), makes me lurch inside.
I had to post to this thread. Two days ago I created my secret cupboard. I am fed up with all my nice food being gorged, every tiny treat I buy myself is gobbled up, or like the ice cream that SK15 put in the microwave (despite me asking him again and again not to), took upstairs to a bedroom, a couple of mouthfuls are eaten and I find the pot days later sitting above the radiator, dripping stinking, gone-off mess down the wall. Everything is ruined. Then they nick money from the emergency tin, buy treats for themselves, and don't share any of it. Their own private stash. A sea of wrappers left on their bedroom floors. Now I have mine, but it's only a matter of time until they find it.
I keep my goodies inside a
I keep my goodies inside a suitcase and then wrapped a bicycle lock through the handles until there's no slack in it. They'd have to cut it to get to it.
I too have that.
From BM, Toxic Troll, and worse - from Toxic Feral Eldest. I despise them both, they are both ugly-insides people. I remember all the nasty texts from BM about me, when Toxic Feral would tell her lies about me. I recall all the times I was ignored, like I wasnt even in the same room, the arguments because she felt like it was ok to disprespect me. The dark cloud over the household when she was there. Walking on eggshells, because she would be so snotty. The "I KNOWWWWWWWW"s. The moldy dishes, and FUNK smells I associate with her. Just everything. Most of all I recall trying to help her with taxes, and thinking we were ok, but then finding out the truth of her hatred.
She made me sick.
And now its the whole "daddee, you always pick your GIRLFRIEND/WIFE?CLOVE over your own DAUGHTER! You are a horrible father".
The latest and greatest. Lucky for me, my parents now own our house and I am making more money than DH, thus I am assured that my wishes will be followed. Plus, my DH has grown a backbone, finally!
Yes, the PTSD is real folks. Dont doubt it.
I don’t know...
...what I would call the racing heart, increased breathing, and sense of dread just by hearing SD voice on the phone...anxiety? I finally faced it and let my DH know how I feel when she is on speaker phone. She was grown when we met and married but has made it clear how beneath I am to be in the family. After hearing her rants about me over the years I just dread calls. DH understands and keeps her at a distance when he has to talk to her.
I thought I was immune from
I thought I was immune from this since my DH had come to terms with his son’s issues (early 20s when we met). DH never once asked if SS34(now) could move in. - even when he was homeless. DH had to evict him with police escort a year before I met DH.
But DH did ask if I could try to accept SS. Not to live with us - but just as a person. And I did. It was after the horrid home invasion while we were on vacation for two weeks where SS and his GF ransacked our home effed in my bed and helped themselves to whatever of my my possessions they wanted. - yes I was extremely TRAUMATIZED by that.
I am not sure that I would say that I have PTSD. - since I refuse to have ANYTHING to do with SS or his trashy GF EVER again under any circumstances. But not too long after it first happened I was very traumatized by the thought that I might have to see him at dh’s sister’s home. I was EXTREMELY upset- traumatized would be an appropriate term. That did not happen but it makes me realize how distressful it can be for those of you who have to deal with this.
Gross! I'd never forgive that
Gross! I'd never forgive that! I hope he's out of your life now!