Hard truth: You can love someone with all your heart but it still won't work if they don't parent correctly and they allow their kids to get away with what they please.
You cannot "fix" the dysfunction of the "first family" that spills into yours - especially if your spouse refuses to see or doing something about the destructive behaviour when it is pointed out to him/her.
(Then personally, I don't believe or agree with a shibboleth which is often repeated on this forum as if it is an axiom: "You cannot care more than the bioparents" in relation to their children. It is utter tosh in my opinion. You don't (need to) raise or lower your own standards in relation to the person you are married to, or how they parent. Sure, you may not have the authority to enact the changes you would like in relation to their children (trust me, been there) but it doesn't mean you have the to accept the indifference of parental inaction, neglect or stupidity when it comes to your spouse. It is not a case of you caring more about what you see and trying to do something, it is a case of your spouse being indifferent - sometimes even deliberately ignorant and defiant - of your view).
Then what do you do? Harangue your spouse until he parents as you want? Force the kid to behave as you want them to? Get the help the child needs, but his/her parents won't do? Divorce your DH?
Not caring more than the bio parents means - you have no ability to control how this child's life goes if his/her parents don't care.
What do you propose is the alternative? I see people on here insist that it's their house, and they can discipline, too, so off they go doing that, and then vent and complain that their skids hate them and make their life miserable. Or that they fight with their DH all the time.
So what do you do about your spouse who doesn't care about your view on parenting? I'm interested to know.
tog, this is answered from my personal experience as the non-belief in "not caring more" stems from my previous marriage. If there is a genuine interest in an answer, as I do see some warranted exasperation in your questions (at least the way I read it) then it again goes to what I personally believe. Sure, it may not be everyone's option or be seen the same by everyone as we are different people, with different beliefs and experiences, but at a fundamental level, I was not going to stand by and tolerate a significant difference between my exH and I. And, yes, you did mention my solution to the problem in your questions: it was a divorce in my case.
I viewed the behaviour of my SS as a secondary issue. The primary cause of SS's behaviour was definitely my then-H's (IPOD-H) refusal to actually parent his teenage son. Not parent properly, actually parent in any real significant way would have been nice because there was zero parenting going on. IPOD-H was the primary parent, there was very little involvement of his fist ex-wife with their children. exSD was already over 18 and not really my issue. IPOD-H was the typical guilty daddddeeee, afraid to parent his child... My SS was, at one stage, basically failing everything at school, drinking heavily, smoking, a complete damn slob, and to put it less than tactfully, whoring around. My husband didn't care. We had for a time "you parent your kid and I parent mine". This was the rub: I had a younger son and he was exposed to all of SS's behaviour. There was a complete double standard: my son had consequences and discipline, SS was running wild. I could "not care less" about SS's behaviour under the circumstances.
For me, it boiled down to my husband disregarding what I was saying and what I felt. He would listen and agree and then let his kid run wild. Either my husband was lying to me or his attitude was "eff your noise"... How do you tolerate that? How do you tolerate your husband allowing things to happen that by your values are clearly wrong? You can see that he is not only tolerating the destructive behaviour of his son, he is actively enabling it by doing nothing. Do I believe that SS would have continued if my exH tried a different tack with him? No, it wouldn't. The problem was my exH. I am sorry, it is very hard to respect someone who disregards me (and the impact on my son), and then actively goes ahead and sabatoges his son's life through inaction. I would not live in a house with a feral child or spineless guilty daddy. It led to a divorce...
I was not going to have the chaos in my life. If I did, the only person to blame was me. When I knew divorce was on the cards, I basically read SS the riot act: I told him what it means to be an adult and what was going to happen to him if he continued on his destructive path. He also had a choice, he could move out with Daddy or live by my rules... However, I made it clear in no uncertain terms that either choice had better be accompanied by a change in behaviour. SS had the option to choose wisely or wreck his life out of my sight. If my then-H didn't care about what was happening with his kid, I actually did.
My SS has turned his life around. He still lives with me ... and is doing well without much influence of his father. I don't play games with SS. He tows the line or finds I will hammer him! Even though he is 18, he finds the structure and discpline easier to deal with. I also don't believe in tossing him out at 18: he has no skills at 18 to make something worthwhile of his life. He is doing well in his degree (first year), he works part time, pays for his own car insurance and helps me around the house too. Substance abuse and whoring around has stopped. SS understands the interaction between expectation and consequences. This is a totally different kid to his father's hands-off parenting...
Not caring more may mean that I have no ability to control how the child goes through life, however, in my case, it meant giving his father a pass on piss poor parenting - and I wasn't prepared to do that. Neither was I going to be someone who watched what was going on and my only remedy was constant complaints... It is no way to live IMO if you have very little respect for your partner's behaviour, no matter how adequate they may be in other areas of their life. Marriage was more than just my relationship to my husband: a mutually acceptable way of dealing with the children was required too. To me, caring less, is not a call to do nothing constructive about the situation you are dealing with.
I actually agree with you 100% - I thought your reference was basically implying that yes, you CAN care more than the parents and make a change, and with that, I don't agree. For me, "not caring more than the parents", is a reference to disengaging.
Very often, I comment that I would have no respect for many of these men because of how they neglect their childrens' basic needs in favor of their own selfish need to be liked. I would not stay married to some of these men, and I for sure, would not stay married and blame my skid for what is their parent's fault.
So we are on the same page. Luckily for you, your SS18 saw the light and didn't just want to live with the parent who allowed him the most freedom.
The first part of my original comment was basically you cannot fix what you didn't break...So in reference to being able to make a positive change, despite bioparents not being on board, is an actual impossibility. I agree with you there.
Disengagement would not work for me in my situation - it boiled down to a double standard with the kids. My SS was well on the road to ruining his life before it had even actually started - and it was my husband's fault. I could not respect that or live with it.
I agree completely with what you’ve said above. Another thing I see on here quite often that I don’t agree with is allowing your spouse to parent as they please, and stay out of it.
In my opinion, this is only possible when respect is a cornerstone within the house & expected of anyone within the home. I don’t believe it’s possible to remain unaffected by double standards & disrespect from skids. I wouldn’t be able to separate the disrespect from skids from my DH if it ever happened, I’d see it for what it was - something my DH was allowing to happen to me. I simply wouldn’t be able to deal with that.
Like you, if that was happening in my home I’d very likely see myself divorced rather than disengaging from it. I can’t disengage from disrespect from my spouse, it’s too important to me to simply turn my back on & life is too short to live that way.
I don't think anyone has the right to tell someone else how to parent. But you do have the right to let your partner know that you can't continue to live with kids behaving in the current way.
If I say "Disengage and let him parent as he sees fit," it's usually followed by, "And decide if you can live with that," or I mean to imply that. So many women on here expend so much energy trying to control how their spouse parents - you can't control someone else, you can only control yourself.
I couldn't separate disrespect from kids from DH failing to take care of that, either. I would definitely nope out of any relationship in which his kids were allowed to be feral and disrespectful towards me.
I never said that I or anyone gets to dictate how anyone else parents, but at the same time if my DH’s parenting was affecting me the way it does a lot of posters here, I wouldn’t be able to separate the blatant lack of respect from my partner.
Having children is not ever an excuse to be a bad partner. Having children is not an excuse to be able to do whatever you want within your relationship without consequence. A lot of people seem to think that having kids is a free pass to do whatever you want within the marital home & the new spouse just needs to shut up & put up. My response to that would simply be ‘No’.
That doesn’t mean I’d be dictating their parenting, but I absolutely would be dictating what I allowed to happen to ME. If the disrespect continued after discussing it with my spouse, I’d be gone.
In that sense, no, I do not believe anyone has the right to ‘parent how they wish’ if their parenting has a directly negative impact on their spouse. Well, they do have that right I suppose, but they are not free from the consequences of those decisions, which is something a lot of these people seem to forget. Freedom to choose does not equate freedom from consequence. People who don’t believe their spouses deserve respect from their children simply shouldn’t get married or engage anyone romantically, IMHO.
Some on here do - ironically, most of them are still in their own version of "Stephell", yet they advise others to run. I only do if it's a situation in which I would get a divorce.
Some people on here do have DH's who can parent (I do) and their main issue is the BM, or the skid, and in those cases, it's possible to stay and figure out a way to disengage. But I stayed because I am first for my DH, he parents well, and he did everything he could to protect me from BM. If those things didn't happen, I wouldn't stay.
I also will advise leaving for people who aren't yet married and are already on here with major issues. Not worth it.
I don't think getting divorced is always the answer. Some times you can constructively work through things. It depends on how bad it is... Mature rational adults can make steplife work if they are on the same page.
My brother's wife would never be found on this forum, they are quite happy. She is stepmom to my nephew - and does not believe steplife is hard at all... We have spoken about it at length. A good friend of mine who is the FOURTH wife and a stepmom to three kids won't be found here either. It can work: choose wisely before marrying anyone. Make sure you are on the same page around what you expect with regard to the kids: an often overlooked step - pun intended. And if, things are really bad and there are no workable solutions, be honest, admit you made a mistake and get divorced. It sucks!! Been there, done that and faced the humiliation... But being married to a disaster and being unhappy is worse.
No one here says it can't work. I think what most are saying here is manipulative, controlling BM and weak enabling DH = step hell. Now, if you have a BM who is NOT manipulative or controlling or doesn't have her talons out and may even actually appreciate SM, AND you have a DH who treats you as his wife (vs. 2nd wife/ sloppy seconds) and he stands up for you as his wife, then, yes, it can work. This is place for SPs to vent, and not, perhaps somewhat unfortunately, a place for SPs to brag, so you are going to hear the more negative here.
Also, I used to not like it either when people said, "You cannot care more than the parents. . . ." Of course, you can, I thought, and you can. BUT, I've come to realize that what most people are saying when they say this is that IF you care more than the parents, then step hell can easily come knocking at your door, because you are going to run yourself ragged trying to solve it all for all, and burnout is going to be heading your way big time. So, in theory, yes, you can care more than the parents. But, you are going to pay a very high price for that. And, it will be YOU and not the parents or the children paying that price. So, that brings us to disengagement, which is a way to save your marriage and avoid step hell, but yes, that does mean letting the parents parent how they want while you let the chips fall where they may. Making a long philosphy short here, but that is the basic gist of it.
It depends on how much of yourself you are prepared to sacrifice on the altar of step life. Some people show a lack of self-respect with what they put up with under disengagement or to save a marriage.
Yes, I agree with you on that too. I think the reason why too many women put up with far too much is because that is the line they have heard and seen even prior to becoming a SM. Some of it is just naïveness too. Today I was watching a reality-based show on TV, and one of the grandmas appeared to be curt with one of her grandchildren. When the narrator found out that grandma was really “step grandma,” she replied in all earnest on her part—“That explains it—she was a step-grandma and not the real grandma.” That’s the kid of reputation step-parents have—that we are all basically old crabs going after the kids.
So, going into step-parenting, we all think we are going to be different and prove that stereotype wrong. We have all been told that if we are just nice and suck it up, well, that is all it takes and the kids will naturally just grow on you and you on them after a while. (And, I assure you that even now there are a large number of websites out there that advise this is all it takes.) No one told us at all about parental alienation syndrome, gaslighting, scapegoating, divorce fallout bombs, the hypocrisy, finger-pointing, total lack of appreciation or recognition, and so on that can, and so often does, go in step-families.
Many women are just so over-whelmed (they may have their own divorce issues or children to deal with), that the gaslighting can go on for years. They may have gotten financially taken in one divorce or just the idea of getting yet another divorce, keeps them down and in too. All excuses, I know. But, I think that is what makes disengaging more of a option for many SMs. And, some seem to able to make it work. But, I agree you do have to have something to work with with your husband in order for it to work.
The hard truth about ANY relationship is that it takes time, a lot of it, to truly get to know someone. Add baggage like kids and an ex and you can double it. To ignore red flags because you have 6 months invested, or a year, or two years, or whatever, or you are afraid to be alone, well....
You have to be willing to say to yourself, "I won't put up with this, I won't put up with that, simply to have a man". And, you have to mean it.
Accepting it is DH's lack of parenting that created his dyfunction in the first place; BM may have influenced it all too-- but daddeeee can make or change the behavior---if/when he ever tries. Most wimp out and it never changes; he has always been a wimp-he always will be one, in most cases.
This acceptance leads to emotional safety away from the sickness in whatever form is needed, everybody is different. The best thing I ever did was accept I could not change it but I could resolve what was happening to me.
AND YET... the toxity of the SKs was there all along, you didn't create it as much as OH pretends, you find out later that previous ex girlfriends were victims of it too, it only gets worse not better because you are thre, and that they're beyond help.
And yet, the adult skids will poison anyone who will listen to them against you and your marriage. And yet, due to nothing you did, they will disrespect you and try to break up your marriage.
Hard truth: it's not going to
Hard truth: it's not going to get better.
Hard truth: You can love
Hard truth: You can love someone with all your heart but it still won't work if they don't parent correctly and they allow their kids to get away with what they please.
Most of these situations end
Most of these situations end in divorce.
60 to 70% failure rate
Yet I see a lot of folks apparently faking their happy blended families on Facebook...
You cannot "fix" the
You cannot "fix" the dysfunction of the "first family" that spills into yours - especially if your spouse refuses to see or doing something about the destructive behaviour when it is pointed out to him/her.
(Then personally, I don't believe or agree with a shibboleth which is often repeated on this forum as if it is an axiom: "You cannot care more than the bioparents" in relation to their children. It is utter tosh in my opinion. You don't (need to) raise or lower your own standards in relation to the person you are married to, or how they parent. Sure, you may not have the authority to enact the changes you would like in relation to their children (trust me, been there) but it doesn't mean you have the to accept the indifference of parental inaction, neglect or stupidity when it comes to your spouse. It is not a case of you caring more about what you see and trying to do something, it is a case of your spouse being indifferent - sometimes even deliberately ignorant and defiant - of your view).
Then what do you do? Harangue
Then what do you do? Harangue your spouse until he parents as you want? Force the kid to behave as you want them to? Get the help the child needs, but his/her parents won't do? Divorce your DH?
Not caring more than the bio parents means - you have no ability to control how this child's life goes if his/her parents don't care.
What do you propose is the alternative? I see people on here insist that it's their house, and they can discipline, too, so off they go doing that, and then vent and complain that their skids hate them and make their life miserable. Or that they fight with their DH all the time.
So what do you do about your spouse who doesn't care about your view on parenting? I'm interested to know.
tog, this is answered from my
tog, this is answered from my personal experience as the non-belief in "not caring more" stems from my previous marriage. If there is a genuine interest in an answer, as I do see some warranted exasperation in your questions (at least the way I read it) then it again goes to what I personally believe. Sure, it may not be everyone's option or be seen the same by everyone as we are different people, with different beliefs and experiences, but at a fundamental level, I was not going to stand by and tolerate a significant difference between my exH and I. And, yes, you did mention my solution to the problem in your questions: it was a divorce in my case.
I viewed the behaviour of my SS as a secondary issue. The primary cause of SS's behaviour was definitely my then-H's (IPOD-H) refusal to actually parent his teenage son. Not parent properly, actually parent in any real significant way would have been nice because there was zero parenting going on. IPOD-H was the primary parent, there was very little involvement of his fist ex-wife with their children. exSD was already over 18 and not really my issue. IPOD-H was the typical guilty daddddeeee, afraid to parent his child... My SS was, at one stage, basically failing everything at school, drinking heavily, smoking, a complete damn slob, and to put it less than tactfully, whoring around. My husband didn't care. We had for a time "you parent your kid and I parent mine". This was the rub: I had a younger son and he was exposed to all of SS's behaviour. There was a complete double standard: my son had consequences and discipline, SS was running wild. I could "not care less" about SS's behaviour under the circumstances.
For me, it boiled down to my husband disregarding what I was saying and what I felt. He would listen and agree and then let his kid run wild. Either my husband was lying to me or his attitude was "eff your noise"... How do you tolerate that? How do you tolerate your husband allowing things to happen that by your values are clearly wrong? You can see that he is not only tolerating the destructive behaviour of his son, he is actively enabling it by doing nothing. Do I believe that SS would have continued if my exH tried a different tack with him? No, it wouldn't. The problem was my exH. I am sorry, it is very hard to respect someone who disregards me (and the impact on my son), and then actively goes ahead and sabatoges his son's life through inaction. I would not live in a house with a feral child or spineless guilty daddy. It led to a divorce...
I was not going to have the chaos in my life. If I did, the only person to blame was me. When I knew divorce was on the cards, I basically read SS the riot act: I told him what it means to be an adult and what was going to happen to him if he continued on his destructive path. He also had a choice, he could move out with Daddy or live by my rules... However, I made it clear in no uncertain terms that either choice had better be accompanied by a change in behaviour. SS had the option to choose wisely or wreck his life out of my sight. If my then-H didn't care about what was happening with his kid, I actually did.
My SS has turned his life around. He still lives with me ... and is doing well without much influence of his father. I don't play games with SS. He tows the line or finds I will hammer him! Even though he is 18, he finds the structure and discpline easier to deal with. I also don't believe in tossing him out at 18: he has no skills at 18 to make something worthwhile of his life. He is doing well in his degree (first year), he works part time, pays for his own car insurance and helps me around the house too. Substance abuse and whoring around has stopped. SS understands the interaction between expectation and consequences. This is a totally different kid to his father's hands-off parenting...
Not caring more may mean that I have no ability to control how the child goes through life, however, in my case, it meant giving his father a pass on piss poor parenting - and I wasn't prepared to do that. Neither was I going to be someone who watched what was going on and my only remedy was constant complaints... It is no way to live IMO if you have very little respect for your partner's behaviour, no matter how adequate they may be in other areas of their life. Marriage was more than just my relationship to my husband: a mutually acceptable way of dealing with the children was required too. To me, caring less, is not a call to do nothing constructive about the situation you are dealing with.
I actually agree with you 100
I actually agree with you 100% - I thought your reference was basically implying that yes, you CAN care more than the parents and make a change, and with that, I don't agree. For me, "not caring more than the parents", is a reference to disengaging.
Very often, I comment that I would have no respect for many of these men because of how they neglect their childrens' basic needs in favor of their own selfish need to be liked. I would not stay married to some of these men, and I for sure, would not stay married and blame my skid for what is their parent's fault.
So we are on the same page. Luckily for you, your SS18 saw the light and didn't just want to live with the parent who allowed him the most freedom.
Thanks for the explanation.
All good
All good
The first part of my original comment was basically you cannot fix what you didn't break...So in reference to being able to make a positive change, despite bioparents not being on board, is an actual impossibility. I agree with you there.
Disengagement would not work for me in my situation - it boiled down to a double standard with the kids. My SS was well on the road to ruining his life before it had even actually started - and it was my husband's fault. I could not respect that or live with it.
I agree completely with what
I agree completely with what you’ve said above. Another thing I see on here quite often that I don’t agree with is allowing your spouse to parent as they please, and stay out of it.
In my opinion, this is only possible when respect is a cornerstone within the house & expected of anyone within the home. I don’t believe it’s possible to remain unaffected by double standards & disrespect from skids. I wouldn’t be able to separate the disrespect from skids from my DH if it ever happened, I’d see it for what it was - something my DH was allowing to happen to me. I simply wouldn’t be able to deal with that.
Like you, if that was happening in my home I’d very likely see myself divorced rather than disengaging from it. I can’t disengage from disrespect from my spouse, it’s too important to me to simply turn my back on & life is too short to live that way.
I don't think anyone has the
I don't think anyone has the right to tell someone else how to parent. But you do have the right to let your partner know that you can't continue to live with kids behaving in the current way.
If I say "Disengage and let him parent as he sees fit," it's usually followed by, "And decide if you can live with that," or I mean to imply that. So many women on here expend so much energy trying to control how their spouse parents - you can't control someone else, you can only control yourself.
I couldn't separate disrespect from kids from DH failing to take care of that, either. I would definitely nope out of any relationship in which his kids were allowed to be feral and disrespectful towards me.
I never said that I or anyone
I never said that I or anyone gets to dictate how anyone else parents, but at the same time if my DH’s parenting was affecting me the way it does a lot of posters here, I wouldn’t be able to separate the blatant lack of respect from my partner.
Having children is not ever an excuse to be a bad partner. Having children is not an excuse to be able to do whatever you want within your relationship without consequence. A lot of people seem to think that having kids is a free pass to do whatever you want within the marital home & the new spouse just needs to shut up & put up. My response to that would simply be ‘No’.
That doesn’t mean I’d be dictating their parenting, but I absolutely would be dictating what I allowed to happen to ME. If the disrespect continued after discussing it with my spouse, I’d be gone.
In that sense, no, I do not believe anyone has the right to ‘parent how they wish’ if their parenting has a directly negative impact on their spouse. Well, they do have that right I suppose, but they are not free from the consequences of those decisions, which is something a lot of these people seem to forget. Freedom to choose does not equate freedom from consequence. People who don’t believe their spouses deserve respect from their children simply shouldn’t get married or engage anyone romantically, IMHO.
Pretty much on this site,
Pretty much on this site, everyone says to get divorced.
Some one here, do -
Some on here do - ironically, most of them are still in their own version of "Stephell", yet they advise others to run. I only do if it's a situation in which I would get a divorce.
Some people on here do have DH's who can parent (I do) and their main issue is the BM, or the skid, and in those cases, it's possible to stay and figure out a way to disengage. But I stayed because I am first for my DH, he parents well, and he did everything he could to protect me from BM. If those things didn't happen, I wouldn't stay.
I also will advise leaving for people who aren't yet married and are already on here with major issues. Not worth it.
I don't think getting
I don't think getting divorced is always the answer. Some times you can constructively work through things. It depends on how bad it is... Mature rational adults can make steplife work if they are on the same page.
My brother's wife would never be found on this forum, they are quite happy. She is stepmom to my nephew - and does not believe steplife is hard at all... We have spoken about it at length. A good friend of mine who is the FOURTH wife and a stepmom to three kids won't be found here either. It can work: choose wisely before marrying anyone. Make sure you are on the same page around what you expect with regard to the kids: an often overlooked step - pun intended. And if, things are really bad and there are no workable solutions, be honest, admit you made a mistake and get divorced. It sucks!! Been there, done that and faced the humiliation... But being married to a disaster and being unhappy is worse.
No one here says it can't
No one here says it can't work. I think what most are saying here is manipulative, controlling BM and weak enabling DH = step hell. Now, if you have a BM who is NOT manipulative or controlling or doesn't have her talons out and may even actually appreciate SM, AND you have a DH who treats you as his wife (vs. 2nd wife/ sloppy seconds) and he stands up for you as his wife, then, yes, it can work. This is place for SPs to vent, and not, perhaps somewhat unfortunately, a place for SPs to brag, so you are going to hear the more negative here.
Also, I used to not like it either when people said, "You cannot care more than the parents. . . ." Of course, you can, I thought, and you can. BUT, I've come to realize that what most people are saying when they say this is that IF you care more than the parents, then step hell can easily come knocking at your door, because you are going to run yourself ragged trying to solve it all for all, and burnout is going to be heading your way big time. So, in theory, yes, you can care more than the parents. But, you are going to pay a very high price for that. And, it will be YOU and not the parents or the children paying that price. So, that brings us to disengagement, which is a way to save your marriage and avoid step hell, but yes, that does mean letting the parents parent how they want while you let the chips fall where they may. Making a long philosphy short here, but that is the basic gist of it.
It depends on how much of
It depends on how much of yourself you are prepared to sacrifice on the altar of step life.
Some people show a lack of self-respect with what they put up with under disengagement or to save a marriage.
I am often shocked at what
I am often shocked at what people on here are willing to put up with.
Yes, I agree with you on that
Yes, I agree with you on that too. I think the reason why too many women put up with far too much is because that is the line they have heard and seen even prior to becoming a SM. Some of it is just naïveness too. Today I was watching a reality-based show on TV, and one of the grandmas appeared to be curt with one of her grandchildren. When the narrator found out that grandma was really “step grandma,” she replied in all earnest on her part—“That explains it—she was a step-grandma and not the real grandma.” That’s the kid of reputation step-parents have—that we are all basically old crabs going after the kids.
So, going into step-parenting, we all think we are going to be different and prove that stereotype wrong. We have all been told that if we are just nice and suck it up, well, that is all it takes and the kids will naturally just grow on you and you on them after a while. (And, I assure you that even now there are a large number of websites out there that advise this is all it takes.) No one told us at all about parental alienation syndrome, gaslighting, scapegoating, divorce fallout bombs, the hypocrisy, finger-pointing, total lack of appreciation or recognition, and so on that can, and so often does, go in step-families.
Many women are just so over-whelmed (they may have their own divorce issues or children to deal with), that the gaslighting can go on for years. They may have gotten financially taken in one divorce or just the idea of getting yet another divorce, keeps them down and in too. All excuses, I know. But, I think that is what makes disengaging more of a option for many SMs. And, some seem to able to make it work. But, I agree you do have to have something to work with with your husband in order for it to work.
1) You can't fix bad genes.
1) You can't fix bad genes.
2) We are often the architect of our own suffering.
3) Four out of five SMs prefer Bi!ch Boots over being a human doormat.
4) First Family problems do not have to be your problem.
5) Detachment and acceptance are a SP's best friend.
When you see what you think is a change
and your SO is stepping up to parent, it’s not. They slipped and it was an accident. (Plus they extremely regret the accidental parenting.)
The hard truth about ANY
The hard truth about ANY relationship is that it takes time, a lot of it, to truly get to know someone. Add baggage like kids and an ex and you can double it. To ignore red flags because you have 6 months invested, or a year, or two years, or whatever, or you are afraid to be alone, well....
You have to be willing to say to yourself, "I won't put up with this, I won't put up with that, simply to have a man". And, you have to mean it.
Accepting it is DH's lack of
Accepting it is DH's lack of parenting that created his dyfunction in the first place; BM may have influenced it all too-- but daddeeee can make or change the behavior---if/when he ever tries. Most wimp out and it never changes; he has always been a wimp-he always will be one, in most cases.
This acceptance leads to emotional safety away from the sickness in whatever form is needed, everybody is different. The best thing I ever did was accept I could not change it but I could resolve what was happening to me.
Hard truth
If you are one that stays and puts up with disrespect, be prepared to lose yourself. You will no longer know who you are anymore.
That is me. I have lost me, what I stand for. With all that has happened I will never be able to like SD15. I despise her, and that will never change.
AND YET... the toxity of the
AND YET... the toxity of the SKs was there all along, you didn't create it as much as OH pretends, you find out later that previous ex girlfriends were victims of it too, it only gets worse not better because you are thre, and that they're beyond help.
AND YET... I wish I disengaged from Day 1.
And yet, the adult skids will
And yet, the adult skids will poison anyone who will listen to them against you and your marriage. And yet, due to nothing you did, they will disrespect you and try to break up your marriage.
Hard truths:
Hard truths:
You train people how to treat you.
You get out of your marriage and family relationships what you demand.
Others will behave according to what you will tolerate from them. Positive or negative.
If what you have always done hasn't been working, change what you are doing. If you won't do that, don't complain.