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Possessive Stepdaughter

Sara888's picture

Hi everyone! I'm new here and just after a bit of advice and to gain some understanding really. So a bit of background. I have a stepdaughter 11 and a bio daughter 4. I'm with Stepdaughters Dad who is also bio daughters Dad and stepdaughter stays with us every other weekend. This arrangements been going on about 18 months now. We used live much further away so Dad would visit stepdaughter and she only came to stay very occasionally. I only actually met her when my daughter was born and she was 7 so I actually feel like I'm still getting used to this arrangement.

Anyway my issue is that stepdaughter is very possessive of her sister to the point that Ivfeel like she doesn't like me having any alone time with her at all. If I'm upstairs and my daughter comes up to find me my stepdaughter will immediately make something up to bring my daughter back to her like 'oh my gosh (name) come and see this' and it will be something so silly and made up. If we're out and my daughter wants to go to the toilet stepdaughter will firstly try and take her on her own or if my daughter wants me take stepdaughter will creep in a minute after us even if she's only just been to the toilet herself. My instincts say it's insecurity but I'm finding it really hard to know how to deal with it. 

ESMOD's picture

I know some people hate when others compare people with pets.. but this seems like the same kind of dynamic you will see in a family when there is a new puppy.. and the kids try to make the puppy love them best.. or will say things like.. Oh.. rover loves me the best of all.  I'm not sure if it is an ownership thing.. but maybe more a desire to be "important" to someone

I don't know what the balance of your relationship and behavior is.  Is she a pleasant child generally?  No issues with you? 

If that is the case, I'm not sure I see a huge issue with her wanting to be with your daughter.. though absolutely you should be supervising to the point that you are sure that your littleone is safe and being treated appropriately.. and under no circumstances should an 11 yo be disciplining or making decisions on your daughter's behalf.

Rags's picture

Keep it simple.

"SD, go away.  Your sister and I are having some mom and daugter time.  I will let you know when we are done and you can join us or when she can join you for sister time."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Keep it simple.  Take the direct approach.  If she whines and tries to argue .... "BECAUSE I SAID SO!"

As a balance, I believe that it would be a good decision to have occassional Sara888 time with both of the sisters and even the more rare Sara888 and SD only time.

Skids should be part of the equation in the blended marriage and home, however, they should not be all invasive of other relationships that are internal to the rest of the blended family.

Dad needs to follow the same model with both girls... on the assumption that your BD is also his BD.

WickedStepmother_'s picture

We have four children between the two of us. We have one together. The oldest two insist on ignoring boundaries with their baby brother. I say no and they do the opposite. I'm grateful for the love but I've been trying to draw a clear line for weeks. Sometimes you need to be hard on them for them to understand. 

tog redux's picture

You're DD4's parent, set limits on it.

"SD, leave DD with me I'd like to spend time with her."  "SD, I will take her to the bathroom, sit down."  Etc.  Don't let an 11-year-old steamroll you.  YOU decide when she can help you out.

Sara888's picture

Thank you for your help. I feel I do need to be more assertive with the situation because at the end of the weekend when she goes home I feel such relief as I feel like I finally get to spend some time with my daughter.  The thing is I still don't feel I have a relationship with her where I can tell her or if I do I end up feeling like the bad guy. My oh is completely oblivious to the whole situation and even when I raise it he just laughs and is like 'she just loves her sister.' I managed to stop her accompanying me to put my daughter to bed, as in the beginning she would do this and it just ended up with step- daughter trying to make it all fun and games and delaying my daughter actually going to sleep.

Rags's picture

Quit thinking with your emotions and think with your brain.  There is no need for you to feel like the bad guy or feel guilty about any of this.

So... stop it.