not even a blip on his radar, a sad vent
I guess I realized it long ago, and day by day it gets more clear. I just don't matter to him (my bf). His kid will always be the only thing in his life and on his mind. You know how people always joke about men having absolutely nothing but sex...or sports...in their brain? My bf has only skid. I realized that every relationship discussion or fight ends up being about skid. Meaning, when I tell him that I am unhappy with our relationship it always turns into a discusion about what MORE he should be doing for skid...ie. the poor boy only has my attention 23 hours a day and he is really suffering. If he understands how hard he has to work for skid relationship, can't he grasp the same for a romantic relationship? No, he simply cannot. This weekend he did absolutely nothing with me except a one hour exercise class, 1 hour out of 48. I mentioned this and he says, "my god, what else does princess want?" Jerk! Then he goes on to rationalize that because I am in the kitchen while he is collecting the trash, or doing dishes that we have LOTS of quality time together. I point out the hypocrisy in his statement because his definition of quality time with skid is 100$ football games, or movies, or golf etc. For me, apparently being in the same room is more than enough. When we go on vacation alone (rarely mind you), I can almost count the moments until he mentions how great it would be to take skid next time. When we eat out, sure enough the next day he is telling skid how he can't wait to take him to this new restaurant. My realization is that our relationship, which I agonize and cry over, is but a blip on BFs radar. It really doesn't matter to him. I keep the seat warm until skid is around. I provide the only things that skid can't...the sex, and half the mortgage payment. When I leave, how long will it take him to forget my name, to get a new dumb girl to provide the sex and half of the mortgage? Whether the name is Jessica or Jennifer or Angela, or current girl A or B or C, whats the difference....all the he cares about is skid. I was a non-entity all along. Reality sucks.