No time for me?
So it's ten months later, and after living together for just over a year, SO moved out. We are technically still together, but it has been ten days since we've seen each other longer than an hour.
Same issues: His ex is still dictating the schedule, and he is still granting her every wish, including taking SD on the 13th and 14th when he wasn't supposed to. I don't care about Valentine's Day, but I specifically requested that he make himself more available that week because it is the anniversary week of my husband's death. Instead, I was alone much of the weekend (while he went for long walks with his kid and posted on Instagram how great it was). My bio daughter was with me for most of the day Saturday, the actual day of his death, but she left Saturday night and was gone until late Sunday night. I saw him briefly Saturday, like 30 minutes, and the he left because he said he was just waiting to leave and that seemed strange.
We are supposed to spend the night together tonight, but he has his SD, and if he doesn't take her home right now (as in, this minute), weather will make it impossible to drive.
I love him. We are creative people, and it is the first time I have been with a person who understands what that means. He is kind. When we are together, we have fun and are in many ways a good match.
However. He has no time for me and has not made any changes that indicate that my presence in his life matters (other than saying it out loud). His daughter and his creative practice come before me - it's pretty evident. He has not shown that he will be there for me, for good times (book publication party) or bad (husband's death anniversary). He has all kinds of reasons why he can't - tired, no time, "I have a child" - but he makes time for other things.
But if we break up, this is the last relationship for me. Being a widow is hard enough. Being (almost) 48, thinking about starting AGAIN with another person makes me feel tired. I don't trust that there is anyone out there who is going to put me first, and I am sick of feeling like I am not worthy of being first.
So do I stay, get a sometimes-decent relationship? Or leave and have nothing?
If I was a younger person I would be gone immediately. It's harder to think of spending the rest of my life alone at this point.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I am sad and feeling really bad about pretty much everything, and although there are people I can talk to IRL, I just don't want to.
I understand
I understand how you feel about anniversaries. I have more than my share of them and they are searing even many years after the death. Particularly when it is the death of someone very loved. Please keep in mind that your current mood may be reflective of the time of year.
But that does not change the fact that this man, who may be great otherwise, simply does not choose to put you in a position of priority in his life in the way you want. That does not mean that there is anything wrong with either one of you. He is just not "the one." If you could have just a "friends wiith benefits" type of relationship with no emotional entanglement or expectation of more from him then he sounds perfect. But it sounds like you want more.
48 really is quite young. I know that you feel tired and frustrated now. And probably sad and depressed with a painful anniversary on your mind. But your choice is not to accept this guy and his limitations or nothing. You can see him casually and let him know that you are no longer exclusive. Or you can be completely by yourself for a time and see what happens. You met this guy so why would you not meet another? You said that you are creative. So create your life to be the way you choose.
Just because it doesn't work
Just because it doesn't work out with this guy doesn't mean that your aren't meant to love and be loved.
My grandma was 82 and had a boyfriend. It was the cutest thing in the world. She had been widowed for about 10 years when she met him. They both passed close to the same time 3 years ago, but they both found love again- IN THEIR 80's!
47 is nothing, you still have so much life left to live! Find someone to enjoy your life and hopefully one day retirement with! Don't give up now!
Oh, honey. You won't have
Oh, honey. You won't have NOTHING. You will have YOU. You will have SELF LOVE. YOu will have pride in yourself for refusing to settle for mediocre because YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT.
And it is NEVER too late for love. My widowed Dad found love again and remarried at age 86. There is ALWAYS hope. {{hugs}}
Don't give up
Just because he wasn't there for you doesn't mean there isn't a man out there who will be. Think of how amazing it will be when he comes into your life.
Take a break, but keep your heart open.
Create well
Fill your own vessel...life overflows with creativity and love and you don't need this guy to do that for you. You can't force flow from a drip of a man. You may feel he is similar in nature and you have fun, but he isn't "mirroring" the love you are worthy of. His actions are self-serving so give little credence to his words.
YOU have to be there for YOU. Spend your time and energy on your own wholeness. Creative people attract other creatives...it's magnetic. I hope you move on from this man and put your energy into "doing YOUR creative thing." When you're back to feeling bright and shiny and reflecting that, you will magnetize the people who inspire you.
I was 52 and flying solo (post Narc relationship)...happy to be single, making new creative friends, and working on ME, ME, ME! I did not want another relationship and literally RAN from DH upon first meeting him. He pursued. I pushed back. He kept pursuing so I agreed to be "friends." DH was gracious and allowed our relationship to SLOWLY develop for 4 years before committing to the rest of our lives. I am grateful to love a man who I also cherish as a friend and vice versa...it's a win-win. Still working on myself and he works on himself.
Do not dismay. There are men out there who understand the makings of a true "partnership" and who will continue to evolve with you (even through step challenges). Funny how creatives forget they ARE CREATORS.
If you are in a relationship
If you are in a relationship with someone then you should make time for that person your life shouldn't just revolve around your kids. I mean if this guy keeps making excuses you shouldn't put up with that. OP have you tried to sit down and talk with your DH?
Why would you foster or even
Why would you foster or even want a relationship with anyone who would not put you and the relationship above all else.
Kids are certainly the superordinate responsibility but they should never be the priority over the partner.
Move on.
Take care of you. There are any number of creative people in the world who would put you and the relationship first.
Go find one.
"He has no time for me and
"He has no time for me and has not made any changes that indicate that my presence in his life matters."
He’s showing you that you are not a priority and his actions speak volumes. “When someone shows you who they are believe them.”
"But if we break up, this is the last relationship for me. Being a widow is hard enough. Being (almost) 48, thinking about starting AGAIN with another person makes me feel tired. I don't trust that there is anyone out there who is going to put me first, and I am sick of feeling like I am not worthy of being first."
You are attempting to use your age of 48 as an excuse as to why you don’t want to start thinking about a relationship again. How about not thinking about that at all and just focus on healing yourself 1st. You said you don’t trust that there is anyone who is going to put you 1st but you don’t have anyone NOW doing that….
So do yourself a favor and make yourself a priority and don’t worry about someone else doing it for you. You are sick of feeling this way so change your circumstances and by that I mean not being involved with this man that clearly doesn’t feel the same about you.
You deserve love and kindness, none of which he is giving you. Get in touch with your creative side again, do some soul searching, and know that you deserve better than this.
I found Love when I least expected it
And every day I question and decide to stay. Its an every day decision.
You are super young, and yet you feel tired. Death anniversaries are so hard - what you are feeling is depression. Since you have been in this relationship a full year, you probably feel isolated, and allowed the relationship to expand INTO your life, instead of expanding your life. Its time to get in touch with friends that really know who you are, family members that you are close to.
The fact is that this man cannot love you the way you need him to. He has made his child and her mother his priority. That will definitely NOT get better in time, as time goes by it will get WORSE.
I hope that you realise what everyone here is telling is the absolute truth. You cannot use your age as an excuse to stay. He has showed your who he is and how he feels about you.
Great - you two connect. Now time to disconnect. I think that you should make a clean break. I dont think the "friends with bennies" is the right way for you - you have too much emotional investment at this point.
Take care. Let us know how it goes.
My 2 cents
I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. Grief strikes us in ways we don't even realize and we need the support of loved ones when it does. An anniversary death date is one of those times.
My late mother always told me, "it's worse to be lonely when you're in a relationship than to be lonely when you're alone." In the relationship, you will always pine and try to make it so you're less alone even though you can't change the other person. When you're alone, you at least have the time and freedom to focus your energy in a positive way. You may be alone, but imagine taking yourself to a film you've been wanting to see, or trying a restaurant you've heard about. Nobody will taint the experience for you. You also open yourself up to receiving love from those who want to give it freely.