You are here

Newbie question: How do you deal with envy/jealousy on YOUR end ?

Indigo's picture

Engaged. Newbie to the step kids/g-kids thing.

Can't believe that I am admitting to this, but I feel angry, jealous of my SGD11. I have a BS12 and I found myself tonight actually angry because SO invited his GD11 to join us at a college volleyball game that he bought a "family pass" for ... Jeez. I thought I was grown-up !!

Do you all feel this ? I am protective of my BS12 and protective of my time with SO since we only see each other 2x/week. Excuses. I am a mean woman, I guess.

Anyone else ?


Tcandme's picture

I think most step mothers deal with this at sometime in the early part of blending the family. I would suggest you stop looking at her as an outsider, you say you are protective over your family, well she is going to be a part of your family now so you need to open your family circle and be protective of her as well. Do you get along with her? Does your son get along with her? If so that will be nice for your son to have someone close in age to go to the games with. There's more questions I could ask before giving the best advice but going by just what you wrote it just sounds like you have to get in the mind frame that she is family now so you need to let her in your family circle and start looking at her as your stepdaughter and not just a child off the street. I wish you the best!

Indigo's picture

Thank you. I guess I need to lighten up a bit. This envy, jealousy, resentment ... gosh, I don't have the name for this reaction ... has been strong. I know that it sounds silly, but I never really, honestly thought about what was involved in blending a family. She is a grandchild who has visitation, which I know is important to her emotionally and for her sanity !! Well-being of the child took a backseat to the resentment for a moment.

The actual SD29 is AWOL -- drug/alcohol. Has two SGS6 & SGS8. The boys are not an active part of SO's life although they live in the same town as SGD11. I don't know. Seems a double standard and a whole lot of weirdness. Although, if you shone a candle on my family there would be a whole lot of weirdness, as well.

The good news is that I'm becoming aware of an "us/them" feeling that I didn't really know that I had. You know how it is, you think that you are a generally nice person, work with kids, like them ... so, why are you feeling differently now? }:)

SugarSpice's picture

one thing you can do is disengage. that means at least to me not caring anymore. your feelings are understandable here. you want time with your husband that is not shared with others.

Tcandme's picture

Do you think disengaging from the start without getting to know each other first is best? I'm not asking to be snarky I'm new on here and love the advice you all give, now I wish I would have just disengaged from the beginning with my SD but I wasn't sure if that would have been good as vice for someone else starting out. Have a Great Night!

Indigo's picture

I've known SGD11 for 18 months now. Guess that I've had mixed feelings most of that time. The reality of moving in together is becoming more clear. I haven't had anyone to speak with about this until I stumbled upon this forum when I searched step parenting.

Rags's picture

It took a number of years but I finally got my bride to start engaging in couples time and activities rather than having the SKid with us constantly. The big issue was that we would not take a vacation if the SKid was on Sperm Land visitation.

I finally got her to realize that if we did something he would enjoy we could do it again when he was available. She got on board. However, the first family vacation we took without the SKid still rankles her a little bit more than 10 years after we took that vacation. It was a Rags clan vacation that happened while the SKid was on a Sperm Clan visitation. DW and I, my parents, my brother and his family. To this day my bride will get tight jawed if that vacation comes up in conversation.

Jealousy is not an issue I have had. The Skid lived with us so having him around was just part of life. As indicated by my brides long memory regarding that vacation for some reason she has some jealousy regarding the Skid not being a Rags. Ask anyone in the Rags clan and the Skid is a Rags. But my bride will occasionally have bouts of doubt and jealousy about his lack of genetic Rags-ness.

Indigo's picture

Update: All this kerfuffle for nothing. Just got a text that SGD11 will NOT be joining us tomorrow. I don't know why. :?

Thanks to everyone for not judging me for my selfishness. I have now spent a lot of time reading other people's posts and learning a great deal.


mixedemotionsaboutstepdaughter's picture

If it were me, I'd be silently jumping up and down for joy inside to hear that my SD wasn't joining us...for anything! LOL But, that's just me. Smile

LittlePanda's picture

Oh, yes. So totally normal!!!! It will eventually go away, or at least calm down. Pretty much every feeling being a step mom gives you makes you feel like a crazy person Wink

annecole's picture

I felt the SAME way in the beginning of my r ship with his son. I was jealous of a seven year old. and at first I only saw him as a walking sperm proving he had sex with another woman. lol. I beat myself up bc I felt like a horrible person. but it is normal I promise you!!!! its what you do with it that matters. I remember being so embarrassed to share it but when I did people related. so don't beat yourself up. we are human. adults have feelings also.

Indigo's picture

SGD-11 did wind up joining us after all. She called that afternoon & wanted to join. SO said "sure," and I kept my mouth shut. She acted poorly at the game. LOL. I was just proud that my BS who is 7 months older acted fairly well.

Thank you for everyone who posted. It is reassuring that there is someplace like this forum to post. I will admit that some of the posts I've read scare the pants off me, but I think that I'm learning there are a whole lot more things SO and I need to discuss before we move in together.