Convicted Felon SD-30 is BACK !!
Unfreakin' believable. SD-30 has been hiding out in NM to avoid a felony "assaulting a police officer" charge during a "resisting arrest." Alcohol is the drug of choice. Convicted felon drug/alcohol/assault. Spent a year in jail a while ago. She disappeared almost 2 1/2 years ago after leaving 3 kids with their biodads. Supposed to be living with her BM who is a meth-head and lost parental rights decades ago. (SO & his late DW adopted her out of foster care)
A few days ago SD-30 left a voice mail on SO's answering machine after no contact in the intervening years. Inviting him to lunch while she's in town but no return phone #. I wanted to post then, but thought that maybe I was panicking for no reason.
This afternoon SO was picking up SGS-7/SGS-9 and was told SD-30 really was in town and had made arrangements yesterday to see them but pulled a no-show.
A minute ago, SO emailed that SGS-9 says that he saw his mother and that she is planning on turning herself in to the police and expects 5 years in jail.
Knew that eventually she would return. Worried for SGD-12 who has been on a yo-yo of rejection/adoration with her mother. Concerned for SO reverting to the enabling, "I'm worried she'll be on the streets" attitude, but also wishing for them to heal their relationship.
My deepest, darkest fear has always been that SO will allow her to move back into the house at that time. ARGH.
So sorry you are having to
So sorry you are having to deal with this. I hear your concern for DH and SGD, just don't forget that you should share your needs if needed.
Thanks. I have more fears
Thanks. I have more fears than needs at this point. She is a high-risk factor in the relationship between SO & myself. It really speaks more of my distrust of SO "holding the line" regarding dealing with an adult recovering (?) addict child. (The line being that grown SD does not free-load, nor does she receive allowance, etc.)
I also had the "I'm afraid
I also had the "I'm afraid he'll have to live on the streets" panic from DH. SS is an addict (thankfully in recovery and doing well, or was the last time we saw him, and it truly is a day to day thing). He was evicted from where he was living, and DH paid for a couple of nights in a hotel while SS tried to find someplace else. SS was pretty comfy. After 3 days at $125/day (yeah, DH couldn't put him in a cheap hotel even), even DH recognized that enough was enough. And miraculously, SS found a place to stay. And he got himself into recovery.
The best thing your SO can do is to learn HOW he is enabling SD. They don't see it. They are "helping." Have him see a therapist who specializes in addictions. Attend an Al-Anon or equivalent meeting. Talk with other addicts--addicts who are in recovery and who are dedicated to remaining in recovery are some of the most fantastic people I have ever met. They will tell DH exactly what he should and shouldn't be doing for her.
Addicts either commit to recovery, or they die. That is harsh, but the truth. And there is nothing that your SO can do to change the outcome. Nothing.
Thanks Merry. I've done the
Thanks Merry.
I've done the "addiction dance" with my own brother. He killed himself 3 days after I told him that I could not have him in my home --- refusing to go to AA, actively drinking and driving and carrying a gun. The misplaced guilt just about crushed me.
In the situation with SO and SD-30 ... he doesn't understand that she is an addict. Not soul-deep, "I get it," understanding. We'll all be going Al-Anon if she stays in the picture. Foreign concept for SO but more comfortable/uncomfortable soil for me.
It's been radio-silence for a few days, so I just don't know what's up. Is she doing the "one more big party before jail" thing or did she chicken out?
No reported effort on SD-30's part to see SGD-12. Nor have there been confirmed visits with SGS-7/SGS-9. No more calls to SO. I hate the underlying disquiet/upset.
Oh, Indigo, I am so sorry
Oh, Indigo, I am so sorry about your brother. You are more experienced at this addiction dance than I. I'm so sorry. Addiction is a horrible, horrible thing.
Your DH should be learning from your experience. But he doesn't see it, won't see it, maybe can't see it. I do understand the underlying disquiet--always just under the surface, a snake in the grass.
After 10 years infertility,
After 10 years infertility, miscarriages, IVF, ICSI, AH, I was 3 months pregnant with my only surviving baby when my brother killed himself. Talk about upping the drama. Then, I had to shag all of his crappola down to my barn, auction it off, support my folks in their grief and deal with Ex-DH's new family --- fake baby etc. Baby was with his mistress except she borrowed someone else's child. Callie, Columbia, SA. Complete nonsense.
Drama upon drama seems to be part of the addiction norm.
I'm "out of the rafters"
I'm "out of the rafters" regarding SD-30's return. I'm calmer.
Rumor has it via SGD-12 that SD-30 turned herself in and they will be making envelopes to put notes to her while she is in prison. SGD-12 has not seen her mother in 3 years. SGD-12's two half-siblings saw bio-mom last year ... (one thinks he saw her out the window).
SO is uncertain. He used to say that he was glad she was gone, but I'd remind him that she'd be back. Did he call the Sheriff or the local police to see if his daughter who he has not seen since 3/2013 has turned herself in? Nope. I want to do it but it's not my job. (Although to be honest, I might call but she has many last names now that I did not follow.) Drives me freakin' nuts.
* Is SD in jail?
* When does she meet the court?
* What is the process?
* Will it be the typical sentenced to 4-5 years prison but out in 2 years? Using the mother-of-three-abandoned-children story.
* What instigated this change?
* If she really is trying to change her life around, SO should visit/support her.
* Consider how her return will affect SGD-12, SGS-9, SGS-7. Poor kids.
* Told SO that having SD-30 move back home once she is acquitted/committed/released of this latest felony is a deal-breaker.
* I actually offered to put $ towards a weekly hotel rental for SD when she gets out of prison, but she will not be in the home.
I dislike my ambivalence, my fear of a woman 22 years younger than I am, my fear for my BS-13. I ABSOLUTELY hate the passivity from SO which surrounds SD-30. He quit parenting when his late DW died ...
This step relationship thing stinks.
I'm pretty coldhearted here.
I'm pretty coldhearted here. I grew up in horrible poverty with relatives with addiction problems. I learned to take care of myself so I have ZERO tolerance for those with addiction issues - those are self inflicted. Fuck them all. They can either learn to take care of themselves or perish.
When DH bailed MSD30 out of
When DH bailed MSD30 out of jail in 2012 and brought her to our house what followed was 5 weeks of step hell and now three years of me trying to hold on to this marriage.
Before that bitch rolled in here and shit all over our lives I thought I had the best marriage in the world. Was so content and happy. How my DH was when she was here opened my eyes and the trust and respect is still missing.
Keep her out or leave. You cannot parent an adult. Especially an addict. So just keep her out of your home. There are places she can get help. If she wants it. It is not your job or your DH's to fix her. Don't let her bring you down with her.
That is my take on it.
I wish with all my heart that my DH had stood up to his bitch daughter and made a stand for us. So now I want nothing to do with any of his dear daughters or family.
Good luck.
This cannot be easy for you
This cannot be easy for you to deal with, understandably so. I do want to shed a different light on this however. It sounds like your SD' life has been in turmoil for a great number of years, I think her actions speak for themselves. If she has been no contact for awhile and now has contacted your husband, her adopted father (correct?), I would want to know why she has reached out. Is there any reason to believe that she might be reaching out for support? Would she listen to her dad if he were to suggest to her that she get professional help?
If she is just wanting money, that's different. If she is using you to get what she wants and none of it is productive then again there should be no feeling of obligation. If she is trying to get her life back together it would be nice if her father could be there for her. The cuts get deeper when family turns their backs on you.