New here - need advice
My step son is 13. I also have a 5 yo BS and a 3 yo BS. SS lives with his mother and we have him every other weekend. Up until this school year, he lived 1/2 with her and 1/2 with us. The reason for the change was his grades. His grades have gotten worse and worse every year. His mom wanted to have him all week so that she could monitor it. She hasn't! He also doesn't like it at our house during the week because he says all he is allowed to do is homework and sleep. This was because he was always so far behind. We've kept him right at passing. He is now very close to failing 7th grade. He's also having more and more serious behavior problems.
His last reading assessment showed that he's only partially meeting the standard for his age. I think he should be tested for learning disabilities. His BM is adament that he is not tested. She doesn't want him "labeled". Dh agreed with her until recently. Because he has joint legal custody, can he pursue this on his own? If she fights it, does dh stand a chance?
I don't know if this is his problem. I think there's a 50/50 chance. BUT, I think not ruling it out is a mistake.
My SS has had it pretty rough his whole life. It could be that his grades and behavior are directly related to his unstable family life.
I'm just a step-mom! I have no say! Before his behavior gets him into some very serious trouble, and before he decides he can no longer deal with failing school and just drops out, what can I do?
When he is at our house, I admit I need to keep an eagle eye on him with his brothers. His behavior is such that I have cause to worry about this. But, he is only a kid. He needs much love and support too. I just don't know what to do for him.
Any advice is welcome.
I would think that as long
I would think that as long as he has shared joint custody, your husband can have him tested from now until the cows come home and there's not a thing she can do about it. First step would probably be to set up an appointment with his teacher/principal/guidance counselor and find out what's happening from the horse's mouth. At that meeting, find out what the school thinks is the best approach and go from there. He could need tutoring, remediation or maybe even therapy for his behavior problem. Also, make sure that any mailings from the school go to BOTH parents, not just mom. That way, you will know what's what. I definitely think that if what's being done isn't working, then it's time to try something else. His school is there to be a resource, so definitely use them to your advantage.
~ Anne ~
Absolutely!
Hi behaviour could definitely have a connection to his unstable life style. Kids from divorced parents have a much higher incidence of a multitude of problems. As much as we don't like to acknowledge it, living amidst this back and forth...mom said, dad said, stepmom thinks, on and on and on, isn't healthy for a kid no matter how loving, kind, supportive and fair that we think that we are.
How does the ss feel about the testing or his motivation? Is this a constant bone of contention for everyone? Is he often talked about and not with?
Many people on this site have problems with sks...I don't think that this is unusual. Finding a way of coping is probably the best advice available.
Diddo...
I agree w/Anne's comments above. Keep the support and your attention to this child and help him as much as you can, I know you're not the biomother but any help would be good. Think positive and happy/supportive when you are around this child, that way he'll know that you are approachable when he needs you one day. Father should check out his learning problem and work w/his teachers/counselors at school first and see if that improves.
-happy mom
Have Him Tested Independently
You don't have to have the school test him, have someone independent so you know before the school. What I did, and found out my son was just fine. He basically needed extra tutoring for area concepts he didn't grasp.
Above all don't ignore it because it will only get worse if not addressed. If theres no learning problem take him to Huntington, or another reading center. (sylvan) (They do all subjects) and afterschool and on weekends. Also theres other ones besides Huntington, just look in your ph book and good luck.
The previous post are correct
In TEXAS, joint custody breaks down like this....if BM or BD would like to change education, residence outside of 100 miles, seek medical attention such as non life bearing surgeries they have to contact each other. Hubby cannot take his kids out of the country and not relay this to BM. BUT when the 2 parties disagree on something that the other parent finds as importance, such as education, sports activites, etc. The parents who wants the actionis fully FINANCIALLY responsible for what you are doing. EXAMPLE. Let's say you and hubby take son to get tested, BM is not supportive of this and the test cost $500.00 you cannot send her a bill for $250.00 on something she didn't want to do to begin with. If the parties disagree the party who wants to go forth takes on the full repsonsiblty of the activity. This is again as I said In TEXAS per our attoney. BM here was big on enrolling kids in activites without consulting, art classes here, karate, football, and would then send us a BILL for 1/2. So hubby asked his attorney if they have JOINT custody how can she do this and our attonrey said SHE CAN'T. She must consult you first, if you disagree, PUT IT IN WRITING as to what you are disagreeing on, and when she sends you a bill, send where you disagreed with this action and the bill to me and I will close it.
So I am now reversing it in your household, you can do it, but you will be responsible for the fees.
"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)