NEW HERE... LOOKING FOR SUPPORT AND A HELPING HAND
So… I am brand new here. I’m not sure where to begin. I guess I will start at the very beginning.
I met my now husband at the start of 2010. He moved to the town I was living for a short period to finish off a course he was taking (he stayed longer because we eventually moved in together). He has a son who was then 1yr old and he was in the middle of a divorce. He fell in love with me very quickly and doted on me which I wasn’t really used to, I soon fell for him and we moved in together after 7 months of seeing each other. He never really got to see his son and became extremely depressed. He would drink constantly and we would argue more than anything else. He became very distant and I left him in February 2011. It was hard, very, very hard. The hardest thing I had ever done. I loved him so much.
In June of 2011 we started talking again. He had moved back to his home town and he asked if I wanted to come and hang out one weekend to get away. I was extremely hesitant, but I went to visit. We had an exceptionally good weekend and he had divulged that he had been in counseling since I left him and also AA. He had been sober since the day I left him. We chatted on and off since that weekend visit and in July he came to see me and told me he had fell for me all over again and wanted so badly for it to work. I think we became inseparable ever since that weekend and we were making plans for me to move in with him. He has his son two days a week for 4 hours a day and then every other weekend (sleep over). He asked me to marry him in October of 2011. I moved in with him officially in November, even though I had been basically there every weekend and every chance I could get since that weekend in July. I blew shifts at my job quite frequently as well so I could spend more time with him. We married in December of 2011… so we will be married in December of 2012 for a year. We went and had a ceremony out of the country in January 2012 with family and friends…. Upon our return I was in for a rude awakening….
The drinking had started AGAIN,….. I’m not too sure why because he had his son with him and he had me… The parenting views of him and I are quite different, but I do not voice my opinion too often because DH seems to be thinking he does a great job DISNEY parenting his son. My SS with be 5 in January 2013. I do not struggle too much with being a SM. My issue is… the drinking had started in January, THEN verbal/emotional/physical abuse reared it’s ugly head in July………. The authorities had been called twice by the neighbours in fear for my safety. He has been in jail twice and EVERYTHING is apparently MY fault. I have been to counseling by myself, as well as I have been to counseling with him (marriage)… He told me that we cannot bring up the stuff where he has been thrown in jail to our counselor so basically we sit there and I try to talk about my feelings and he lies saying everything is fine. I have left once… it was so hard. I’m living in a city where I know nobody and I moved back in with him after 2 weeks. The drinking has not stopped nor has the abuse. He constantly says I’m a psychopath or mental if I dare say anything about his drinking or coke usage. He has told me that I need to go to therapy and have an assessment done because I’m “not all there”…. I am in counseling because I am struggling with staying and I’m struggling with leaving. I cannot seem to win no matter what I do. I get yelled at if the dishes/laundry/cleaning is not done. I am expected to do the majority of the house work because his job is so “stressful” and demanding. He doesn’t tell me where he’s going or when he’s coming home. He was gone all weekend while I looked after his son. He came to pick up his son to take him to BM and he came home and ate and then said he was going to get a case of beer and didn’t come home. It seems as though I am expected to me alone and sit and wait for him. I used to be a really active person, I played hockey, golf, snowboarded, went to yoga, swam and weight trained. I have really lost myself and I do not know what I am going to do.
As of late it seems as though I am being alienated. He expects me to look after his son, but when SS5 has swimming or skating I do not get an invite to go because BM is there. Another thing that I have noticed as of late is DH and BM they used to have a toxic hostile relationship… well now it’s total opposite. When he drops off his son he stays inside her place for 10-15 minutes and she texts him and right away he deletes the message. SS5 has swimming tonight on BM’s night to have him and DH says to SS5 “oh you have swimming tomorrow night.. I think I’m going to come and watch”… In my head I thought “how does DH know that??”….
I have tried to include as much as I can.. may have left a few things out... Just trying to reach out for a hand.. any hand to help pick me up.
I’m looking for support and I’m not sure where to turn….
Why would you suggest she
Why would you suggest she continue to see a man who is beating her???
Your spouse has crossed the
Your spouse has crossed the line..in my own deal breaker. I will NOT continue a relationship/marriage for..ABUSE..ADDICTION..ADULTERY..or ABANDONMENT.I just posted about my own frustrations and not knowing my options, but now I see the light.
You have lost yourself..so did I. Our needs where set aside for others who really dont want to change their behaviors.
We cant fix what someone else has broken.
Whatever the outcome..I will create a healthy environment for ME!
I hope I will have the courage to follow this through because I will be up against experienced emotional vampires.
I can give you advice...dont rescue him..rescue yourself!
This site has helped me enormously. You are not alone.
Sorry sweetie - you need to
Sorry sweetie - you need to leave and leave QUICK. This man doesn't love you. He wants you around to take care of him and his kid and support his habits, all while abusing you.
Please, for your safety and sanity - get out now.
Thank you all for the quick
Thank you all for the quick responses... I greatly appreciate your advice and thoughts.
Everyone seems to think it is so easy just to get up and leave when you love someone so much. I never really understood why this was happening I have been led to believe that this was MY doing. I have been going to counseling and I am trying to wrap my mind around being a victim of abuse. I had two really close friends and I finally divulged my life to them. The one will no longer talk to me and I find it quite harsh. She had a really rough past with boyfriends and I was always there for her to listen/talk to. She has turned her back on me and told me that she is utterly disgusted that my family even let me go through with the marriage. I understand that she is upset but the things that she is apparently upset about don't seem to be making sense. She has listened to what has happened but instead of giving me support she just basically told me not to tell her anymore and that like i said above.. "she is disgusted that my family would let me get marriage into this"... I have tried to argue that I never saw this coming prior to the marriage.
Anyways.. I'm having a difficult time as you can tell.
I am actually really wrapped up in my career at the moment which would make it difficult to leave town, but then again I don't understand why I would stay just for a job.
Vanilla, I just threw up in
Vanilla, I just threw up in my mouth when I read about how you love this guy. Exactly what is it about him that you love so much? His drinking? His abuse? The way he is using you? Or is it the drama? Darlin, you say you are getting some counseling-are they helping you get a clear view of what is going on and the danger you are in right now? You are being mind-flucked by this guy and you aren't thinking clearly at all. That how abusers work, they make you think they are normal and you are crazy.
Quit making excuses about how you love him (WTF?)and how you can't leave because you are busy. If family or friends won't help, call the abused woman hotline in your area and get someone in the area to talk to about getting out. Now, not later. And for God's sake, don't let him know what you are doing. This can be a very dangerous time for you right now-Believe It!
I pray you can get away from this nightmare asap and find someone who treats you with respect and caring. Good luck!
First let me give you my
First let me give you my generic advise. Don't marry a man with children. Let him find a similar situated woman with whom he can share child raising duties. You need to find a partner who will not saddle you with his children and his ex-wife. There are a million childless men out there - go and find one. One of our friends on this website advises: "Friends don't let friends become step-parenets". Heed this advise.
Addicts can recover and it seems when he's sober he's worthwhile. Obviously I don't have to tell you to not have a family with this guy until he's been sober for five years. Meanwhile you need to leave making a point that as long as he is using drugs you're not staying around and he needs to be sober for a year before you'll consider moving back.
Find the Alcaholics Anonymous web site, they have support groups for people with addicted family members and you can find more specific advise there. But treat this relationship with a lot of suspicion. You've wasted several years already through no fault of your own. Further wasted years, and the odds are any future time with this guy will be wasted, further wasted years will be your fault.
You're best option is to move out, block his cell phone, email, social sites such as Facebook and see an attorney about divorce. Don't look back and don't listed to his pleas. He'll promise anything to keep his babysitter sex partner as while he's drinking that's all you are.
All of us here have had to
All of us here have had to leave a bad situation or have had the situation leave us. We all know how hard it is to leave.
The biggest question here is why are you staying? The neighbours called the police in fear of your life... TWICE. If a friend was telling you all of this, what would you say to them?
Get away from him, fast. Seriously. Your self-esteem is gone and you think that you need to stay because you love him? What is there to love? Don't say that sometimes it is really good between the two of you. The fact is he could very well be sleeping with dozens of women and you don't know because you are afraid to ask him anything in case he gets made and hits you.
If you have a job, move out. Stay out. Love yourself FIRST and don't worry about him. He loves himself more than anyone else on the planet.
I understand the pull of
I understand the pull of "love," especially when combined with committment, fear, and more.
I spent 12 years married to an abusive man. I justified, explained, blamed myself, you name it. And there were no addiction issues.
When all of this is said and done, I REALLY hope you have sme take-aways from this experience. SLOW DOWN. Take some time to really get to know your next man. People can hide their true self for only so long. Eventually, all the secrets come out, and then you can make an informed decision.
I can totally see where your friend is coming from. I've been in her shoes. You've made terrible choice after terrible choice, married a man within five (!) months of "getting together" with him, he is an active alcoholic, a cocaine abuser, and a wife beater. She's heard enough of your sad stories. She can't help you if you don't want to help yourself, and it's incredibly frustrating to watch a friend ruin their life...and complain to you about it, all while doing nothing to change it. What "support" do you think she should give? If she's any kind of friend, she'd tell you to leave his sorry ass and move on. She can't "support" your choices because...well, they aren't supportable.
You mentioned his drinking fairly in depth, but you totally glossed over his "coke habit." Do you happen to do drugs, too? Because I can tell you, if I found out my DH did coke ONCE, he'd be GONE. I respect myself too much to allow a man to bring me down ever again. Thankfully, I've learned MY lesson.
So, stop and ask yourself what you really "love" about this man. His character? His values? What? Then weigh those against the alcohol, drugs, abuse, etc.
Also, call/write/email the BM and let her know that this boy's father is a drunk and a druggie. She needs to protect her son from this asshole.
PS: It appears his addictive personality applies to you, too. He invited you over after you broke up, got back together with you, proposed marriage to you, moved you in, and married you in a matter of months. Seems he can't self-monitor very well.
thank you for your reply.. i
thank you for your reply.. i didn't marry him within 5 months of getting together with him.. we had been together since January 2010 and had a break and got married in December of 2011. I understand waht you mean, it was all very rushed. I had never met someone like him and have never felt the way I feel for him the way I feel for him.
I do not do drugs, nor do i drink.. I cannot begin to understand how someone can do this on a daily basis and as for his ex I am pretty sure she knows what he does. I have never talked to her in my life nor do I think she would even listen to me because she goes out and parties quite a bit, so it would basically be like telling her she's a bad parent as well, she also has been with 4 men since her and DH split up and 2 of them have been well known drug dealers.
I don't know what it is.. you
I don't know what it is.. you know when you meet someone and they're everything you have ever wanted.. that has happened to me twice.. and it was with him.
I met him and fell in love with him.. then again I met him and fell in love with him. I believe he is a good person. This is why I'm struggling.... I am the type of person to never seek the negative. I am coming to the understanding that you cannot fix broken people, they have to want to fix themselves.
As for my friend who grew tired of hearing about this, this is not the case at all... When I told her what had happened (abuse/alcohol/drugs), as of recent.. this was over the phone because we live over 16 hours away.. She did not extend her ear to listen nor her home for me to come to, she basically said that even though we don't talk that much anymore but we have remained close that she would have no part in my life after hearing this and is utterly disgusted that my family would even let me get married to a person like this. I basically inconvienced her by telling her what was going on in my life and how I needed to talk about it.
My friend here is really not the issue, even though it hurt to hear that... I know she has BIG issues on her own turf.
I find myself thinking about leaving and I crumble...
Vanilla, after reading this,
Vanilla, after reading this, I think you have mental problems that nobody on this site can help you with. We can't help someone who is caught up in the drama and doesn't really want help. I'm very sorry for you-but I don't think you have any intention of helping yourself. It is upsetting to read this crap from people who like to complain and get sympathy-yet refuse to do anything to help their situation. I'm not reading this BS anymore. Best wishes.
you know when you meet
you know when you meet someone and they're everything you have ever wanted
The truth is, you really don't know this man. He has spent most of the relationship drinking and on drugs. I seriously hope this is not everything you have ever wanted.
I suspect that since he is 34
I suspect that since he is 34 years of age he has been doing this for the majority of his life and that's why his last marriage failed. It seems as though through counseling that people have a hard time unlearning behaviour (this is what i'm being told), as much as I want to see the man that I met and fell inlove with... this is why I continue to hold on because I know he's in there somewhere.
I fight with my thoughts and my heart because I know how he is when he is not on drugs or alcohol, he is loving and caring and compassionate and is a hard worker and will do anything and everything for me.
I had just mentioned al anon
I had just mentioned al anon in another post. Listen to Blame, those meetings will help you understand yourself.
My ex husband was abusive,
My ex husband was abusive, eventually he stabbed me 11 times, and I should be dead. He's in prison now thank God, but not for life. Domestic Abuse gets WORSE as time goes on....I know how hard it is to leave. God gave me an easy way out. I hope you will go to your local domestic abuse group for some help/resources. If you want to contact me privately, please feel free. Good luck
thank you i have contacted my
thank you i have contacted my parents and we are putting a plan in motion where they will be moving me out without my husband even knowing and taking all of my belongings and furniture with me. i have not notified my job that i will be quitting which makes me more than sad..... i cannot have my workplace know because he has family members that work there and i would not be able to leave peacefully
Proud of you......I know how
Proud of you......I know how hard it is to leave. i was given an 'out', but it nearly cost me my life. Use your safety planning, make sure you have all your legal documents, etc. out of your house ASAP. Make photocopies of anything you might need that are his. I don't know where you are located but there ARE resources in your community, domestic abuse project or similar named agencies. I now volunteer for the one that helped me. Safety planning is key! Again, I know you sent me a PM, I couln't remember which post it was, now I remember. This decision will probably save your life.
Good for you; this is a hard
Good for you; this is a hard decision but it is the RIGHT decision.
Keep us posted so we know how things go. ((hug))