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Am I crazy?

killermonkey's picture

So a little back story will go a long way before I get to my question. I've been with my wife for going on 7 years now. When we first met she had a 2 year old son, he is now 9. Needless to say I have been a part of his life for those entire 7 years. Additionally, my wife and I are both active duty military. So when we met we lived in Japan. Bio dad was not in the picture at all. He didn't call, he didn't write, he didn't pay child support, he basically didn't exist...this was from 2009-2011. Also, bear in mind that my wife deployed during that time frame so it was me and her son for 6 months by ourselves. Now, moving to 2011. We moved to Texas, where ironically bio dad lived. Wife wants to get him involved in the kiddos life which I 100% support. He starts paying child support, sees him roughly once a month or every other month, sends gifts on holidays and birthday etc. From 2011-2016 he never kept him for more than 4 days in a row though. Wife deploys again during that time frame and once again it's just me and the little guy. During that time I still drove him so he could see his bio dad.

Now August 2016 the military moves us to the United Kingdom. From August 2016 to until around May 2017 bio dad seizes to exist again (with the exception of child support). He makes not effort to call, however he does send gifts as appropriate. So in May of this year he contacts my wife and lets her know he would like to see the kid for a month during the summer. Wife is set again to deploy in July 2017 so they work it out to fly him back to the states after she leaves so she doesn't miss any time with him. Wife deploys, I take the kid to the airport a week later, he flies back to the states to see his dad. One week later I get a text from my wife (currently deployed) stating that she talked it over with bio dad and they decided that it might be good for the kid to spend a school year in the states with his dad. This is where I feel like I am going crazy. Given the background, given the history, given the level of involvement I have had in this kids life and the intermittent lack of involvement from his dad should I not have been at least included in the discussion of this major decision before hand? I was just thrown in my lap as if nothing I've done for the kid in the last 7 years holds any value. Let me also point out that he has had educational disabilities since I came into the picture and just came off his IEP at the end of this last school year.

My fear going into this is that 1. The little man will relapse in his education (it's happened before) and 2. Bio dad is doing it to avoid paying child support for 9 months (he was quick to bring that up after they agreed on him staying). I tried to express my concerns but my wife says, it's his dad, his blood and that she thinks it will be good for him. I support her and will ultimately concede but I just want to know that I'm not completely off base by having issues with being left out of the decision. Or for someone to tell me that I am crazy and I need to step back.

I just need another opinion on the whole thing.



fairyo's picture

You need to step back- not because you're crazy which you clearly aren't but because you are not the father of this child. This is the reality for so many on this site- keep posting, it will help you get through the difficulties you're having adjusting to this new situation.

simifan's picture

Wow. You are not crazy. I'd be livid. Your wife clearly is not grateful that you've stepped up and took care of her son. If your input is not needed or even requested when facing a major life change, neither is your help. I'd seriously disengage. Does she expect you to step up again if dad flakes?

Goodluck's picture

Oh how I dislike alluding to an absentee bio parent only wants to see their child to reduce child support payments. :sick:

We could say the same about withholding, interfering making it impossible to have a relationship so child support payments are HIGH.

Vent over.

Sir, bio dad should have custody of his son during Moms deployments.

Do you realize know how many Military fathers are denied access or very little at best to their kids because they are active duty? But moms retain full custody. Don't you think that is lop sided?

This situation is a no brainer, child custody should change so child is now with stateside parent. You know as well as I know the military requires a parent plan.

Since dad is available and not in the clinker, no child abuse nor neglect OR he is not a crack head...give him his boy.

Mom will pay child support. But hey, it is not about the money right?

VERY Proud Military spouse here.

killermonkey's picture

I felt like I definitely needed to reply to you just to clarify information I chose to leave out of the original post because it didn't seem pertinent to the situation.

I 100% realize that military fathers are denied access to their children. I am one of them. My daughter lives in the states and if it wasn't for my mom and sister I wouldn't even get to talk to her. Let me also mention that my ex-wife is a drug addict and can't even get my daughter to school most days. But hey, since I'm a guy and I'm in the military, which is clearly an unstable environment, mom should retain custody. Court systems are the greatest.

So ya...I get it.

mapitout's picture

Being left out of the decision hurts as you've been so supportive and proactive with this little boy, don't regret that, you're kindness will undoubtedly leave an impression. As far as making the decision, it'd been nice to be included from an informational perspective, but as everyone has said, it's the bio's decision in the end. If the boy is neglected and it is brought to mom's attention, expect to be included in that decision, but try not to say, "I told you so" . Tread carefully, ask to SKYPE regularly and maintain your relationship with the son by setting a good example.

Maxwell09's picture

You are definitely not crazy. I get they have every right to do it among themselves as bios but I think its a bad idea and mom probably knows its a bad idea but didn't want to get you involve because she knows you would have valid reasons against it. There are a ton of possibilities for the dad all of a sudden wanting to be involved but I think its weird your wife just let the kid go without considering how much its going to affect him. I mean you said he was having trouble in school until recently, moving around so much with different types of educational systems (U.S.; U.K.; etc) has got to be a good reason why he's struggling. I don't think there is anything you can do about it but practice how to not say "I told you so" when this all goes to hell in hand basket because it will.

killermonkey's picture

I want to thank you all for responding. Definitely, helped me clear my head and see things from different angles. I am coming to terms with it, because similar to what some of you have said, it isn't my decision. I spoke with the kid yesterday and while it made my heart ache, that is what he wants too. Hearing it come from his mouth made it harder and easier at the same time. I will say that it's really hard to not get emotional when you've been the primary male role model for 80% of the child's life. But ya, at the end of the day I have to respect him seeing his father and respect my wife in the justification and reasons for not including me (probably as sueu2 said, I'm trying to manipulate the situation by defacing the dad and his reasoning).

Again, thanks for the responses. It truly means a lot, seeing as searching for answers via a forum is atypical for me.



Java_Junkie's picture

Dang... You're not crazy. She should have discussed, and EVEN IF she wanted to do this and you didn't, it should NOT have been her unilateral decision and you have to suck it up and deal with it.

I get hit by surprises, too - but none quite like that.