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Am I Wrong?

reinventedchick's picture

To make a long story short...I have a 5 year old DD and my husband has a 9 year old DS. We got married in June 2012 and now have a 6 week old son.

The issue:
Before we were married DH and his son were visiting at my home in December 2011. At the time my DD was 4 and my husband's DS was 8. They were playing in my daughter's room and his son told my daughter to pull down her pants and mentioned kissing bottoms. It caused a major issue in our relationship and I told my husband that we were not getting married unless he figured out what was going on with his son. My DH put him in counseling against the mother's wishes. I had concerns that maybe he had been abused himself because he was wetting the bed every single night since I met them at the age of 6 and he had done a couple of other things that caused alarm for me. I felt like he was troubled for some reason. The counselor saw him for a total of 4 sessions then advised that he saw no evidence of abuse but that his DS knew that what he did was wrong but would not be able to verbalize why he did it or where he got it from. We did not see him for 6 months but ultimately because my husband put him through counseling and the fact that he is a child, through prayer I was able to move forward with the relationship.

Fast forward to February 2013, he told my daughter to pull down her pants and sit on his head..at 9 years old. My husband caught him and my daughter told us what happened. From that point, he has not been back to our home and I do not want him around my DD ever. As a result, my husband has been traveling to the city where his DS lives (about an hour away)every other weekend to see him and stays for the weekend at his family member's home.

This situation has caused a huge amount of stress in our marriage, so much so that if we did not have a child together we would have separated immediately after it happened. Neither of us know what to do but I am certain that I do not want him around my daughter. I support my husband being in his son's life of course. Also, his son's mother will not allow him to go to counseling to figure out what is wrong. He still wears a diaper and wets the bed. My gut instinct tells me something is wrong and I am not letting it go this time. Also, his mother is remarried as well and has no other children in the home.

My husband and I are on the verge of separating because of the stress. It has changed everything in our life. A family vacation that we were all supposed to go on in June is not happening now. every other weekend we are split up and things are just akward. I have no idea what to do.

Please refrain from judgment. This is a serious situation for my family and I so only words of encouragement or useful advice are needed. Thanks!

floridaashes's picture

I agree that your husband needs to get a court order for SS to get into counseling a.s.a.p., and it needs to be a long-term thing, not just four sessions. His BM is doing him a major disservice by denying him counseling, and frankly that makes me wonder WHY exactly she's not willing to "let" him be helped in this way. He certainly learned the sexual behavior somewhere, and even if she didn't believe you regarding those two incidents, she should realize that a 9-year-old wetting the bed every night is not normal, healthy behavior. Counseling could make all the difference for SS, as 9 years is way too young to give up on a child. Still, I agree wholeheartedly with your decision to not let SS be around your daughter again - at least in ANY case where they could even possibly end up alone together, even for a few minutes - no matter how much help he gets. Her well-being should be your number one priority, and the possibility of molestation will never be worth the risk.

jennaspace's picture

I think it would be very easy to miss sexual abuse in 4 sessions. Sounds like this poor kid has probably been abused. Has anyone asked him directly stressing it would not be his fault?

You simply have to protect your other kids. Another solution might be having him com to the house under constant supervision by DH. You'd have to trust DH to do this well. This was neither of your choices, it just is. Try to come up with acceptable solutions together as a couple while acknowledging the loss.

I do think this should be looked into again by a female counselor. I've read about too many male child counselors being pedophiles themselves.

Counseling for all of you would be good.