{{{{HUGS}}}} How hurt you must be to be such a low priority to your husband. I hope he is only an idiotic male trying to appease his son's fears. You need to have a talk with him.

I would be livid if DH would suggest leaving when I was that close to term. I'd tell him if he left to stay gone. This is a once in a life time experience. That's all without counting he is your only support where you are.

I also think you are not being unreasonable in the slightest. Your dh is feeling guilty and trying to make ammends to see his son, fine I get that but this does not need to happen right at your due date. I am also pregnant with my first child and dh has one child he sees regularly and another who lives in another country (story sounds similar to yours). If my dh said he was going to leave around that time or have sd here during that time I would absolutely not have it, you will have enough to cope with during this time. One month later as another poster has suggested is not unreasonable in the slightest, I would discuss this with dh and lay down all of your expectations and what you have mentioned here. You need your dh with you during this time. Stay strong and good luck. Let us know how you get on.

Completely disagree. It's not like ss lives down the road and sm is saying he can't take the child out for the day for his birthday. The op is speaking about her dh leaving the country and potentially missing his dd birth and leaving op to experience this on her own. No this is not acceptable and you are not an evil sm for feeling this way, not in the slightest in my case ss does live in this country and his birthday is 10 days before baby is born. Do I have a problem with dh celebrating ss birthday that day, absolutely not in the slightest. Would I have a problem with dh going to another country for a week before my due date?? You can be fucking sure I would.

If it is possible for your SS and his mom to come to your country, have that happen, that way you are only alone half a day at most. Your kids are going to haven birthdays that are close and compromises are going to have to be made in the future. if they are coming to your country, that makes it easier if your birth doesn't happen exactly as planned, because then your husband doesn't have to change travel plans.

There's probably much more to the story than we get now. Not meeting any of DH's family in 18 months married and however long dating ? The country is close enough to visit on a Saturday and be back in time for work Sunday evening. No visitations with son? ... I don't know, there's more to this than merely a young-sounding, self-absorbed first-time mother.

That being said, even with IVF it's difficult to calculate an accurate due date, so OP's due date will likely fall within 7-10 days on either side. DH can probably fly out and back the same day, so unless he's planning a month-long excursion, it shouldn't be that big a deal. Or, OP/DH & baby can schedule a flight for a month or two later and ALL go see SS and family. SS would probably like to meet his new sibling and enjoy a longer visit with his father and SM.

Congrats on your baby, by the way.

I'd be freaking out if I were about to have a baby in a foreign country without speaking the language.

If it was so important for your dh to be in Country X on his firstborn's b-day, he should sleep on the couch and keep it zipped from August through December. Every year.

When the next child is born he should count backwards and block off about another 4 months so her birthday will also be protected from any invading hypothetical younger sibling. It's a great system because by the time the 3rd child is born all kid birthdays will forever be safe because dad will never be having any nookie at any time of the year.

Hey. Both kids need a father. The younger one needs him to be there to be available to make possible actual life and death decisions, keep both her and her mother from, say, slipping on a sidewalk or stair in their ultimate vulnerability, and to, you know, introduce himself to her for the first time. The other one needs him to stand by a clown cake. Oh. The clown cake wins. Really???!!!!

Do not allow your husband's ex into your home, I am guessing she is hostile towards you as you have never met the son. I can't imagine having to go through the stress of late stages of pregnancy, birth and then having a new born and being expected to entertain your husband's ex and their son in your own home. That is crazy. Do not let her stay the night, or even come in for a coffee - it is your sanctuary you don't want the added stress at that time. You have no need to have a relationship with her and she has no need to meet you.

I am 100% in support of you putting your foot down and insisting that your husband does not arrange any travel plans around the due date unless they are absolutely vital. He didn't prioritize his son's birthday last year to be able to work out how to pay for visiting his son it seems, so why should you now have to pay the price of him suddenly finding the money and the urge to be there for his birthday. The son will have a great time seeing his dad and being spoilt whenever it happens, even if it is a few weeks after or before his actual birthday.

I totally understand your fears of his time being split if his son is there the week after the birth, you husband will want to spend time with his son as he has hardly seen him and he will be going back to his country shortly after, where as you will be left holding the baby the whole week. I know your mum will be there, but she is no substitute for your husband.

Now, if this situation were a year in the future and you were quibbling over who's birthday your husband attends (and not a birth and a birthday) then yes, I would say that you are being a bit over protective and to work out a compromise, but for a potentially life threatening medical procedure plus the recovery time after with a new born baby you deserve to have your husband by your side. The 6 year old can wait a few weeks to be spoilt by dad.

My stepson and my son's birthday are 4 days apart. (they are five years apart in age). When we first found out I was expecting we got my stepson involved so he won't feel left out. We asked him if he wanted to have birthday parties together and he gave us an excited YES! My suggestion would be to let him go spend the day with his son. If you had the baby by then, you should be just fine since he will only be an hour and a half away. He could always jump on a plane and come home if there is an emergency. If the baby is not born by that time then I would still let him go. Like I said it is just an hour and a half away. It is not about one baby being more important. Their dad should be able to love them both equally. I agree with an earlier post stating that maybe his son should come and met his sibling. That has to be done anyway. Congrats on your pregnancy and good luck

Except it's hard to meet a newborn when the mother is not allowed in the room. Rember, she's not allowed to meet the 6 year old. She's going to have to rely on dh and bm to supervise their first grader around her newborn. Without her. Paints a coy picture, doesn't it? Everybody cooing over baby, such a family moment. Except the newborn's mother isn't there.

Is there any way you can push the issue with the hospital about your Mom being in the room? If your husband is not there, why should they care if your Mom is with you? If DH might not be there, it seems he should make sure your Mom can be with you.

If he travels to see his son, is it really worth it to go for just a few hours? You have mentioned more than once about finances being an issue. Is he really going to spend the money for a day long visit?

At the very least your DH needs to come up with a detailed plan so you can quit worrying. It seems to me he should put off celebrating his son's birthday until after you give birth. The kid can celebrate with Mom on his birthday and Dad a few weeks later - what is the big deal?

And there is no way in hell you should even be considering "entertaining" the BM - ever!

There is no question. Birth of the new baby trumps the elder kid's birthday. This is a one time event and DH is risking missing it and leaving you alone with a new born. Dad needs to get his head straight.

Of course if SS-6 was local then his birthday would be celebrated. But .. he lives in a different country. If BM will agree to allow the Skid to travel to dad for birthday/birth of the new baby then great. If not, there is no question of priority IMHO.

Congratulations on your new baby.

I think what you can do about it is to contact the hospital and make sure your mom can come into the room with you. Look into getting a doula or someone else who can translate for you who will also be allowed into the room. Unless you are in the process of a getting a C-section, this should be negotiable, especially as you don't speak the language. Check out a FB group for expats or new moms in your region for referrals.

Secondly, you can sit down with your husband and ask him how he would organize his life if you also left him and took your child together with you. How would he maintain a happy life with his next relationship while being in another country with his first ex and son on June 11 and in (yet another?) country with you and your son on June 5? Because he needs to understand that just because you are with him now doesn't mean he can take your love and commitment for granted.

To be honest I was expecting different replies. It sounds ridiculous to me your dh is making these plans to travel while you are due to have your baby. Baby's can be born 2 weeks before till 2 weeks after the due date. Even if your dh is 1,5 hour flight away, who says he can buy a plane ticket last minute. Plus the 2 hours drive to the airport, and the 2 hours you have to be there before the flight. So if I was you I would not let him travel if your little girl isnt born yet.
And I would not let his ex stay in your house either. What the heck is that about.
And the bs excuse of the ex not trusting you to be alone with her son. He doesnt have to be alone with you. His dad is there to watch him.
Does this mean your dh always has to travel to be able to see his son, or his ex always has to stay in your house?
Your dh is making me very angry and I feel for you. Demand he is there for you when you are giving birth till at least a week after. If it is so important for him to spend time with his son on his actual birthday, maybe he should have stayed close to him. What if your baby will be born at the exact same day?
And something else. Where is your dh staying when he visits his son? At the ex's house?

Yeah, this is just sort of a train wreck situation... Your DH is an idiot.
You are going into a hospital to give birth to your MUTUAL child. There is ZERO question that he should be with you. Period.Dot.

I scrolled hit and miss through the comments, so I could be repeating and/or missed parts of what you posted as clarifications to original entry.

First, congratulations of the upcoming new baby girl. I'm sure you're both very excited and very anxiety filled all at the same time. This little one will come when she gets good and ready. I'm afraid she's oblivious to all the other drama over birthdays. That's all adult stuff. She and the little six year old son need not worry about any of it, they just need the adults to do their adult thing and figure it all out.

Little boys who have never met their stepmom and have no idea Dad is even expecting a baby, shouldn't be expected to worry about a child/SM's birth...it doesn't exist in his little world and that's his father's fault. All the child knows is he has a birthday coming and he'd like to see his daddy. Just like baby girl. All she wants is to be born healthy surrounded by her mommy and daddy welcoming her into the world. If that doesn't happen, that's all on her daddy too. So you've got a small child and a soon to be born baby both counting on their father to figure it the heck out and pull his big boy panties on and step up for both kids AND his about to give birth wife.

Right now I would ot spend my time worrying over whether or not you are a stepmom, technically or by label. Factually, yeah you are. But this child has never met you, knows little or nothing about you and you have shared not one minute of his life with him. So with that in mind, no to him and the child's mother you're not his stepmom. The day is going to come though when that is going to have to change. If your marriage is to last and your little family thrive, your DH is going to have to bring this little boy around into your world. We're talking an hour and a half flight away from the two homes. The way it's bee going since you've meet and married this man one would think the distance was half way across the world. You realize, right that your DH could hop a plane in the morning ad be home by late evening? Unless the child's mother's home is in a war zone, extreme high conflict area, there is no excuse for you and this child to have not met. For the child not to be coming to your home for a week visit now and then or for DH and you not to travel to the child's country. You Dh could be flying over, escorting the child on the flight and then repeating for a return trip. There's no reason mother should have to come at all or that mother must be a part of any and all visitations. I don't know what country you're talking about or the laws in it, but surely whether Mom and Dad were ever married or not, Dad has some legal rights to visitations.

Why do you tip toe around your husband? Why are you hesitant to make this man open up true discussions with you, his wife. Anyway.... the birthday. Dad needs to work with the mother on this one as this year Dad has two events occurring at around the same time. It is important that Dad see the son. But Dad can work it so that it doesn't take Dad away during delivery time. And no, birthing a child and bringing home a new born is not the time to be introduced to BM and the little boy. BM should in no way be coming to your home and/or planning to stay in your home when and if she does ever come.

I suggest Dad speak to Mom about this year being a flexible birthday. Dad will come but it may not be on June 11th. If the child is used to not seeing his father on an exact set schedule, it should be no problem for the child to know Daddy is coming and Daddy is celebrating child's birthday event with child, it just may be a week or so delayed. It's an hour and a half flight. After the birth and a week or so has passed since the birth, Dad will purchase his ticket and be on his way. Your mother can spend DH's absence perhaps with you. DH doesn't have to go a whole week. A couple days or three. Then Dad works on planning with the BM on when the little boy can visit Dad in Dad's home and meet Dad's wife, little sister and spend a few days to a week discovering the second half of the little boy's family. Remember Dad can go escort the kid or BM can fly the kid over and hop the evening flight back to her home. Perhaps Dad can have the little boy come for a week or a bit less in say three months after this birthday visit. The father does need to begin seeing this little boy on a regular routine schedule. If what your family can afford is a week every three months or so, that's what it needs to be. The boy deserves a chance to have his Dad on a somewhat regular basis. Sometimes that visit may be I your home and sometimes perhaps you, Dad and new baby sister may travel to spend time his son's country. BM doesn't have to like it. What is important is that both children have their father and that neither child feel like the dirty little secret. If you all don't start communicating and working out solutions, you'll find yourself right back here next June with the same dilemma "should Dad go to his son's birthday or should he be home for his daughter's first birthday party. ell your DH to stop playing ostrich and figure this stuff out. Now.

This doesn't have to be as complicated and drama filled as it's currently being.

I'd like to add, even dad's that do live close to their children aren't always with them on thier actual birthday. Thay have to wait for the nest visiting day. I think a lot of sm's wouldnt like their dh to celebrate their children's birthday together with the ex. Let alone when they might be giving birth or have a baby a few days old.
So no, I don't think you are petty at all.

it never ceases to amaze me just how guilt can ruin a mans judgement. his older child can have a birthday later just as had been said here. you are your child are his current priority.

i am so sorry that you are experiencing this thoughtlessness when you need your husband the most.

Girl. Bless your heart. {{{hugs!}}} My DH put me through HELL with the birth of our daughter (I'm a first time bio mom too) and I think I am STILL shell-shocked. He shouldn't even be considering leaving his preggo wife regardless of his son's birthday. He can make it up to him just fine. BUT he will never be able to make it up to YOU if he misses the birth of your daughter and caring for you.

I'm just sorry that you are even having to think about this. Not cool.

Girl. Bless your heart. {{{hugs!}}} My DH put me through HELL with the birth of our daughter (I'm a first time bio mom too) and I think I am STILL shell-shocked. He shouldn't even be considering leaving his preggo wife regardless of his son's birthday. He can make it up to him just fine. BUT he will never be able to make it up to YOU if he misses the birth of your daughter and caring for you.

I'm just sorry that you are even having to think about this. Not cool.

...I don't know. I would feel that I have made a huge sacrifice to even marry the guy, knowing he has baggage and being willing to accept it, that I would hope my DH would try to make what's a "first" for me special so that I don't live with the resentment that this too was tarnished and taken away. I think a lot of people forget just how emotional and vulnerable people who are pregnant and about to embark on the biggest journey of their lives for the first time can feel.

Thankfully my DH agrees with me on this part, so I don't have to worry. His mom on the other hand, had different ideas (the whole debacle during BD's birth is in another blog.)

I can tell you though, that DH wasn't 100% focused on us the days after--even though he took time off, he was still tinkering with his projects and stuff, but he was very good about helping out.

I'm at an impasse on this one. And why in the world would his ex stay with you guys?

My sister was born a year and 10 days after me. I think my parents celebrated my birthday like 2 months after that when everything was settled down. After I turned 12, sometimes we missed our birthdays altogether and just got a call or something (my parents traveled out of country a lot.)

Birthdays were not a big deal, but then again, in Chinese culture, our birthdays are days we're supposed to be celebrating our mothers, so we thank our mothers on our birthday and sometimes take THEM out to eat. (I had an aunt who, when BD's birthday rolled around, crouched and told her when she's a little older, every day on her birthday she should hard boil me and egg and present it to me like a deranged Easter Bunny for all the pain and work I go through as a mother. It's what everyone in her village did on their birthdays.)

First babies usually come late. HEck even fourth babies come late. My baby was so late she was 10 lbs from all that extra cooking in the oven. He belongs with you and his new baby. He could miss the birth very easily

It's odd that she's being so kind and agreeable yet your DH made it seem like she doesn't want you anywhere near their son...