Stepson doesn't want to meet new half sister
Hi guys, and thank you for letting me participate in this group
My story is long and complicated, but the basic gist of it is:
I've been married to my husband for just over 2 years now. We have a soon-to-be 6 month old baby girl. My husband has a 6 1/2 son from a previous relationship.
He hasn't been able to see his son for about 18 months (we live in a different country) due to scheduling conflicts, money, the baby, etc. And, I have never met his DS. We are trying to plan a visit to see him next month, but now his DS is saying he doesn't want to meet the baby, he wants to see his dad, but not us (the baby, I don't think he really cares about me).
My DH is going to talk to his DS tomorrow on Skype, he is hoping that maybe he can make some sort of compromise with his son. Something like we spend a little time together all of us, and then the rest of the time the 2 of them do something together.
I have some concerns, as I'm worried DS may say something like he doesn't care, and then we go and he gets angry and upset because we are there and he wants to see his dad alone. Or he flat out says he doesn't want us there at all.
My husband doesn't want to push it on him as he feels that may do more damage than good. But I'm also worried that as his DS grows and gets older, it will become more and more difficult for us all to meet and become some sort of blended family. I am worried he will resist. I feel if it's always just him and his dad (and the ex), he will never accept his little sister and me, and it will only complicate things further.
Do you have any advice as to a good way to go about this? This whole thing has caused a lot of drama, and it would be nice to try and lay some of it to rest and move on.
Thanks in advance!
I would give him a little
I would give him a little time to get to know you and then let him spend some alone time with his dad.
Okay, thank you for your
Okay, thank you for your replies.
I was doing some reading online, and read something about a similar situation, where the kids refused to spend time with their SS and SM, and the comments were mostly saying that it's not up to the children to make those decisions, it's up to the father. They also mentioned that kids that age aren't really able to make decisions like that, so maybe it was the BM who put the idea in their heads that they shouldn't spend time with their husband's new family. Of course I know that's different especially since my SS hasn't seen his dad in such a long time. But I am worried that if he says no to this now, then it will continue.
I definitely agree they need alone time together, I figured my DD and the BM could spend some time together while the my DH and his little boy get some quality time in.
But I am afraid that if we start this out by letting the little guy call the shots, he will always insist on it being just him and his dad.
I could totally be wrong though, I honestly know nothing about older children.
Hopefully I don't sound like a horrible person for thinking these things.
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Yeah, I completely agree. We
Yeah, I completely agree. We never got a card or gift or anything from her. Just a virtual congratulations. I think it would have been a good idea for the little boy to send us a gift or a card for the baby, just to help the transition process.
Also, the BM is the one telling my husband he has to talk to SS about us visiting. It sounds like she doesn't want any part of the conversation.
Yeah, I completely agree. We
Yeah, I completely agree. We never got a card or gift or anything from her. Just a virtual congratulations. I think it would have been a good idea for the little boy to send us a gift or a card for the baby, just to help the transition process.
Also, the BM is the one telling my husband he has to talk to SS about us visiting. It sounds like she doesn't want any part of the conversation.
Just wondering if you are
Just wondering if you are moving back and going to be in your stepsons life from now on or is this just a visit and then it will be another long time before any of you see each other again?
I think if this is just a visit you treat it differently than if you are going to be a constant in his life from now on.
I would say either way he meets all of you, then you and baby bow out and let Dad and son have time together. I would say slower is better in this situation but his son needs to know that he doesn't make the rules. Which is why I think Dad should introduce you and baby but that's it for the first meeting.
I hope you guys are able to work it out.
Thanks for taking the time to
Thanks for taking the time to comment. I know this can be a bit of a touchy subject for us parents (now that I have a child of my own I understand a little more).
No, the lack of visitation with my SS is ENTIRELY my husband's fault. He tried to pin it on me last night and I almost left him. Seriously. But that's a whole different issue I'd like to try not to get into.
And no, I haven't been in the picture for most of his son's life. The opposite, I've only been around the last 2 years.
We are not going to move back to his country of origin, but my husband is planning to start visiting him every other month like he did previously, which of course I completely support and encourage. So this is hopefully going to be more of a consistent thing, with the little boy coming over to visit us too. I've always really wanted a relationship with him, and now even more so because I have a child with his dad. I really think this could be a wonderful thing.
I don't know too much about my SS, but from what I've heard on Skype he seems very smart and sweet My husband says he's a bit shy around new people, but I've never heard of him acting out or causing problems at school or anything like that. He seems like a great little kid.
For what it's worth, BM has had a very difficult time with our new baby and our family unit. She had tried to be my friend on Facebook,(bad idea, I know), and when baby came, of course I was posting pictures of us. She ended up blocking me and cutting off contact with my husband and his family for several months. We actually had gone over to his country to visit his family and tried to contact her to see SS, but she never responded to us. She got back in touch a month or 2 later and admitted to being very jealous of what we have and needing to distance herself. She's a little hot and cold. Will say one thing, and then become resentful and lash out and say very mean and hurtful things to my husband. So, her behavior is unpredictable. For instance, she had really been pushing coming to visit us at the beginning of the summer, right around the time our baby was due. I reached out to her myself and asked her if she'd mind waiting until a few weeks after baby came. I felt I needed my husband's full attention during the birth, and quite honestly didn't want to deal with the added stress of having to meet them for the first time when I was getting ready to pop. It was a very horrible, unfortunate situation because my due date was 5 days before SS birthday. And of course baby was born on SS birthday. But anyway, when I spoke to her about this, she said she completely understood and that SS could have 2 birthdays that year, his with his dad would just be a little later. But then went ahead and continued to question my husband about when they could come visit and if the beginning of the summer would work for him. A few months later when she got back in contact with him, she threw it in his face saying she had tried to arrange a visit, but it was 'inconvenient' for him.
Anyway, not saying she's a horrible person. She's a great mother and has been very nice to me. But there's definitely been some inconstancies in her behavior over the past few years.
Yes, okay, good point. And I
Yes, okay, good point. And I completely agree with you that it's his fault. I've told him that this is on him and ONLY him.
It IS on mom for not
It IS on mom for not responding to and allowing the father to visit when he was in the country. It's also on the mother for not being flexible with visitation around the time the baby was born. That's 2 visits that could have taken place that were thwarted by the mother. Again it's on the mother for not arranging the upcoming visit with the father but making the child do it. The 6 yr old is obviously being swayed by his mothers jealousy about the baby.
Custodial parents can put up major roadblocks for the NCP and make it difficult or impossible to see their child, which is obviously happening in this case. BM is PASing and creating custodial interference, you may have to go to court to get future visitations enforced.
As far as what your DH tell
As far as what your DH tell SS on the phone - he should keep it short and simple w/very little discussion. He tells SS that you and the baby are coming and you will all spend some time together. He should reassure him that they will have plenty of one on one time together. That should be the end of the discussion.
This was a typo right?
"I definitely agree they need alone time together, I figured my DD and the BM could spend some time together while the my DH and his little boy get some quality time in."
You don't mean your daughter would spend time with your husband's ex-wife?
Haha no... it was not. She's
Haha no... it was not. She's suggested it in the past when we've tried to plan get-togethers.
I have a feeling she will suggest it again this time as well. I'll be there with the baby, so it's not like it will just be the 2 of them, and it will give me something to do to pass the time while he spends some alone time with his son.
Well now DH is talking with
Well now DH is talking with his mother, who says based on the time that has passed since the last visit it is unwise for us all to go. She says my husband needs to do 2 separate trips. Not sure how I feel or what the right solution is to all this.
Nevermind, DH made his
Nevermind, DH made his decision and says he's going without me this first time and there's nothing I can do.
I guess his point of view is right and I'm being unreasonable, right?
I agree with you but his
I agree with you but his reasoning is that it has been so long since he's seen his son, that he owes it to him to go alone the first time. There, he can have a face-to-face conversation with him where he can explain that next time we will be there as well.
I did, and he said it didn't
I did, and he said it didn't matter what I said. He feels that going alone the first time is the right thing to do and I can't talk him out of it.
No, he's not military. He's
No, he's not military. He's from the UK, I'm American and we live in Norway. His son lives in the UK.
I've brought up the counseling thing over and over again and he refuses.
Poor kid. Eighteen months
Poor kid. Eighteen months without physically seeing his father. During that time Dad has found wife and has a 'new' child, already six months old.
I could absolutely just scream every time this board lights up with it's 'kids don't make decisions, adults do' crap, regardless of the actual circumstances presented in original post. One shoe does not fit all, one scenario is not an exact replica of another.
It would never , even slightly, occurred to me (if I was the SM in the OP'S case) to think that the every first reunion meeting in 18 frickin' between father and his 6yr old son must include me and a new instant sister. No, it should not. Let the boy adjust to simply seeing and being with his father again. In other words, let the poor kid get in the house, take off his coat and sit down. Damn, he's six.
I suggest Dad go pick-up son, spend a short while (maybe re-bond over ice cream stop) and then continue on to meet SM and sister. No, the child doesn't necessarily get to decide if he will meet them. Of course he must meet them, but they shouldn't be the biggest priority of the first day's itinerary.
How long, OP, will you and family be in your SS's area? I'll assume at least a few days minimum. Maybe a zoo or other type family event could be scheduled for day two. Something fun but simple where SS can see baby sister isn't so awful and neither is SM.
Sorry, my head isn't on too
Sorry, my head isn't on too tight right now. I left this morning to get some space (we had a massiv argument about this last night) when I told DH that I would be coming back tonight he said don't bother so it has not been a good day.
I will respond to these posts in a bit after I try and get some sleep
I don't see why this has to
I don't see why this has to be "either/or." I don't know how long a trip you were planning, but won't there be time for one-on-one time as well as family time? This seems much ado over something that seems pretty easy to solve.
The first day or two DH sees SH alone. Then he introduces you and baby for an afternoon and see what happens. The kid may take a liking to you and the baby. If he doesn't then limit your time with him.
I don't understand why DH is making decisions based on what SS said on the phone. He is six and hasn't seen his Dad in a year and a half and has never met you. Of course he is apprehensive. And who knows what BM was saying to him in the background. His attitude could be completely different when DH sees him person. Some kids don't do well on the phone.
Do not spend any time w/BM alone at her house. There is no reason for this. If you want to meet her for lunch or something that would be ok - but I can't see any reason for you to spend any length of time alone with her.
Update: He is on Skype now.
Update:
He is on Skype now. Just heard the conversation. When DH asked if he could bring the baby SS got really excited and said yes, he wanted to meet her. DH said I would be coming too and SS said no, he doesn't want to meet me. He then went and asked his mother if the baby could come and she said yes. SS told DH that, and DH said okay, but my wife has to come too. And SS said why? And DH said because she doesn't know you and your mom and she wants to meet you and she wants to be with the baby as well. And DH said ok, so can everyone come, or do you just want me to come alone? And he said alone. And DH said ok, I will come alone this time, but next time everyone has to meet, ok? And he said, why? And DH said because that's what I want. I want everyone to be friends And SS said, well you have 2 famlies, and DH said yes, but I want us all to meet and be happy. And SS said, like one big family? And then they went on to talk about other things. They are still talking so we will see what happens.
It wasn't as straightfoward as that, but that's basically what was said.