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Need to vent

Lifer33's picture

I know it's a dh problem, but these easter holidays have me cured! It seems like things agreed at mediation 2020 have gone out the window.

On the first Friday evening of Easter, bm emails dh that 'the weekends have got messed up '  she should be having him that Sunday.  Well she IS having him as they've made plans. Oh well I'd made plans too. But that's on dh for not writing every single weekend day on calendar to year end. Or for enforcing that ss comes when he's meant to , instead of keep swapping days last minute. That's how we got out of sync!

Ss is still only 12, but since he went to high school in September there has been a sudden escalation in wanting to swap days all the time, as he's doing something with his friends. Dh keeps saying OK.

So, we had him that Saturday instead of Sunday. He walks in absolutely shattered and miserable as sin. What's up? We had a sleepover at my mums and didn't go to bed until 3am. Oh wonderful. Insert eye roll. We have a day planned at the local park where they do activities such as archery and taekwondo , meet friends there.  Ss moans he's too hot, tired, thirsty and wants to come back to the house,  the whole time. Ruins our fun and we leave, he promptly falls asleep on sofa the whole afternoon.

Obvious question, why aren't some of these sleepovers arranged on bms nights, and, ruining her plans, dealing with an overtired selfish brat ?!

Fast forward to last night, 4pm ss is texting his dad, directly as usual, to say can he go to a sleepover instead of coming here? Dh obviously said yes, then messaged me. My answer was 'oh ffs, eyeroll' 

Then I sent a lengthy answer that the holidays have been a mess thanks to all this allowing ss to do what he wants and probably bm too, what ever happened to bm and dh discussing changes first so dh isn't the bad guy. Ps, if this continues don't assume I'll include him in trips abroad next year coz I don't have to reward a spoilt kid for showing up when it's worth his while. 

No answer and I pretty much ignored dh last night. But hey , at least I got to eat dinner! Coz here's the other fun thing , along with ss showing when he wants , he also eats when he wants. 

He has more activities on our nights now so dh goes chasing round the county til 8pm. It was agreed he'd eat at bms after school as 8 is too late. Have a snack when he gets in by all means... 

Now because I have a stomach condition sometimes I will want my dinner,  sometimes I won't or will be weighing it up... somehow its become habit for ss to roll in saying he's hungry and dh give him my meal or portion of a meal , without even asking!

I said this is not OK. So dh now messages me halfway through a day to say can ss have some dinner ?

I think I want dh to have a talk with ss and say this isn't continuing,  we aren't a hotel. And I'd love him to wing bm too but she'd probably find it amusing so no. So do I tell him to do that or just totally ignore the lot of it , and only feed and make plans for dd6

Someoneelse's picture

I am so sorry, that has GOT to suck! I'd be PISSED at my DH if he even THOUGHT to offer my portion of a meal without asking me first! I may want that food the next day! If DH wants to cook a meal for SS, then he can, but don't offer my food without asking, and honestly... IMO the answer is for ME is always no! I will save my food and eat it a day or two as lunch... I am a leftover junky! lol

Lifer33's picture

We aren't exactly flush atm, lost a big portion of our income.

If ss has already had a full meal at bm he should be offered a snack,  cheese on toast as we say on England. Not eat a whole other dinner , which was mine or I could freeze for another meal !

Not to mention we get hardly any notice , ss himself will either text at 4pm for a 7pm pickup that can he have dinner here , or he will decide he's not coming . When the plan all along on Tues n Thurs is not eating here in the first place!

TrueNorth77's picture

How often is DH supposed to have SS? At SS's age, this is how things go with activities (unless you are my SS15, and then you would have plenty of friends but just never leave the house to do anything with them and instead stay in your room playing video games every single free second until I literally want to scream at him to get the F out of the house)- they have more activities, more sleepovers, more time away from parents. Which is fine, but works best if you have a consistant custody schedule (we have week on/week off- no issues whatsoever). You can't try to switch days or adjust schedules to accommodate all of that- you are just asking for a mess. It sounds like you need to figure out a better system. If DH has SS 2 random nights a week and 1 of them is a sleepover, that doesn't work. Week on/week off, or even just wknd placement- yes, sleepovers/activities are easy to accommodate. 

Also, I would lose my mind if DH gave my meal to a skid. 

Lifer33's picture

Ss on a Tues night , a Thurs night , and alternate weekend days a week.

We asked for a set weekend day , bm said no. He was already doing football on a Saturday morning.  Now it's also rugby Sunday morning and a Thurs night which dh takes him to . All of which we have to work around.  With these now impromptu changes and sleepovers also , it's a mad house 

TrueNorth77's picture

Good grief, BM said "no"? Too bad! Can't he take her to court/mediation (I believe you are in the UK so not sure how this works there). He still has 6 more years of this, and it's not the best schedule for anyone (well, except BM and maybe SS who just lives his best life). 

Boho356's picture

Bm's really think they have the upper hand don't they? 

Me an my partner both work, she doesn't and I find that she's setting the schedule all the time, we have ss 3 days a week I work all day Monday to Friday and finish at 8pm and I find we're the ones having ss on the majority of the weekends has mommy has to "meet up with her gang", told my partner it's tough sh*t if she has plans and I want some time to myself. 

I'd start laying out some rules for your husband tbh. BM isn't part of your relationship, put yourself first.

My ss also treats my place as a hotel, raids the fridge and the cupboards and I end up spending more money to get extra shopping. I've told my partner he has to buy his sons food now (he won't eat what we eat either so we're constantly having to cook alternative meals for him) he'll have his own stash of food and I won't be the one replenishing it once its all gone.

Crr18's picture

My SO has this schedule also. It is so much back and forth and I think it is hard on everyone and then the choosing of the weekend day is ridiculous. And then I never know the time of day they will be here or go home. We also are not an ATM. Not sure how to even budget for what goes on. Sometimes they eat and shower here to much IMO. When they have friends here randomly they drink and eat snacks that have cost us money and I am never sure if they should really be at BMs because of the stupid schedule. Summer will definitely cost us more money. I get about offering up your food but got to make skids happy. Ugh.

CLove's picture

First with DH, and lay it on the line. As you noted, it really is on HIM and it starts with HIM. HE is the only one that can change things, create and enforce boundaries. He needs to suffer more repercussions, obviously. Its not painful enough NOt to have boundaries.

Lifer33's picture

I think I will just stop cooking on those nights , and when the weekends are likely to be screwed up, just make plans with dd

Rags's picture

Almost the only advantage an NCP has is the ability to refuse visitation.  That leaves the CP on the hook to care for the Skid regardless of the CP's plans.

 

Lifer33's picture

I have said to dh that next time ss turns up a moaning whining mess because he's been allowed to stay up until 3 or 4am, you take him straight back to bm. Or I will , let her day be ruined 

nappisan's picture

reading your post makes me so mad!!!  i friggin hate that little brats that age are allowed to dicate your day by coming and going as they please.  I would have a firm talk to DH about this now ,,, all that will happen is when the kid is older if he doesnt like something hes told to do or in trouble for something , he will just breeze in and out back and forth to BM's place and vice versa,, if he gets in trouble at BM's place , he will turn up on your door step. Hes allowed to make the rules so he will end up avoiding them too.  I have a friend who is going through the exact issue with her SS16,, gets told to do chores,,doesnt want to do them , cracks the shits and bails to the other bio parents house and avoids it completely all together ,,, the same happens in reverse and he can rock up unexpected with no notice and ruin the day.  nip this in the butt now