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Need some input

goldieRet's picture

Hi ladies. I was hoping to get some input to see if I am not completely crazy.

A week ago, DH sat SS down and brought up the idea of seeing a professional to work out his feelings. SS immediately said no and refused to give an inch.

DH did not share my idea of mutual disengagement to SS because he did not like it. Instead, he tries to plead with SS to see what he can do to make SS happy. I am not joking. I was really angry when DH told me he did that.

And these are SS’s “demands”.

First, for two weekends a month DH needs to stay in SS’s town with DH’s mother because SS says it’s not fair he needs to waste weekend time driving and my kid’s don’t.

Second, DH needs to drive down to SS’s town twice a week and have dinner with SS. DH already does this almost once a week.

Third, the dog needs to be given to someone else because it’s not fair that my kids will spend more time with him. And the DH needs to bring the puppy with him when he comes to SS’s town for the two weekends.

Fourth, only SS can call DH “Dad”. This really bugs me because SS calls his stepfather “Dad” at his BM’s house. The double standard is annoying but I will tell my kids to call DH by his first name from now on.

I have several issues with some of these demands. As it is, I barely see DH when SS visits because SS demands alone time. But at least we get nights together. We work long hours in the week and I really look forward to weekends with him. I can’t believe I am expected to be ok with not seeing him at all for two entire weekends a month. And he even wants to take the puppy with him? I told DH I would not be happy with this.

As for the second “demand”, I told DH to go ahead and do it. But I made it clear to him that he is not allowed to complain to me about how tired he is from all the driving. And eating out so often means that the small raise he recently got will basically be used up for gas and food.

This third demand I have a big problem with. It is not my kids’ fault DH got the dog without anticipating SS’s reaction. They are in love with the puppy and have been completely responsible about looking after him so far. I will not allow them to get broken hearted by losing the puppy.

This Valentine ’s Day weekend was awful because of the puppy. SS was monopolizing the puppy and refusing to let my kids play with him. It was just non-stop fighting. And even though DH tried to make a romantic breakfast Sunday, I could not enjoy it because of the constant yelling.

And SS ripped a large hole in his room’s wallpaper last weekend. So when he got here this weekend, DH confronted him. SS says that it ripped when the suitcase that DH makes him carry pulled on the wallpaper and ripped it. This makes DH feel guilty and says it’s ok. No consequences at all.

And this is the most ridiculous thing. My DD loves taking photos of food and flowers and shares them on instagram. That is all I allow her to post and she is very good at it. Well, I guess SS follows her. And he saw that DH made pizza and burgers for us for two nights. When he got here, he wanted DH to make the exact same things. Even though I already bought groceries for tacos and a roast beef dinner.

And what does DH do? He rushes out and buys ingredients for the pizza and burgers. My kids and I were so bored eating the exact same thing within a few days. And this is the best part. DH made the pizza Saturday night and accidentally left it in the oven a bit too long. It was very slightly charred but it was still delicious. But SS pouted and said that it wasn’t as good as the one we had. I was about to speak up at this point but DH was already apologizing to SS and telling him that he would bring a better pizza to him during the week. I was speechless.

Then he gets annoyed at DD for even taking a picture in the first place. I told him that I would make DD block SS in instagram but DH said no, that would only make SS upset. I then told DH that DD will continue posting pictures and I will not limit her. He said fine, he would just make the same meals when SS shows up. So in the end, my kids and I are still being affected as much as I try to not to care.

I told DH he was creating a monster but DH was sad and said he didn’t want to lose his son. Am I completely off by thinking my DH’s actions and SS’s demands are insane?

Amcc13's picture

This

notsobad's picture

Do these men not realize that by doing these things so that they don't lose their child, they are creating a person no one wants to be around?

ybarra357's picture

And you’re lamenting about only spending 2 weekends a month time with this dolt? Sounds like a reprieve to me.

robin333's picture

I didn't comment on your last post. I strongly encourage you and DH get counseling. Your DH needs to hear from an objective party that he is acting like a weak, weak man. He has already lost any concept of parenting and teaching his son some life lessons (such as empathy, how to cope with disappointment).

I would not be able to sleep with him.

robin333's picture

Very true. It seems blatantly obvious to us that DH is being manipulated and acting like a wussy so I was thinking even a neutral party could as well. But you are right, some are just terrible and might be okay with giving all the power to SS.

How about I send him some balls anonymously to deliver the message?

goldieRet's picture

I really don't know what happened. DH was a great father. He used to discipline SS with no questions asked. But I think he regrets the move and has become so weak against SS.

When he isn't dealing with SS he is back to his awesome self. I just don't know how to get through to him.

SugarSpice's picture

separate your finances now. it looks like you have money to live on yourself. if it gets too much for you, leave. your husband is too involved with his son to see straight. he is creating a spoiled monster.

Disneyfan's picture

I get that SS is hurting, really misses his and resents your kids. But that ransom list is just bizarre. And the fact that your husband is agreeing to it all is just hilarious.

Honestly OP, you really need yo brace yourself for a breakup. The way you husband is behaving, if the kid says move back, he may do just that. It looks like your husband isn't going to be happy until his son gives him permission to be happy.

Rags's picture

Demands from a kid? :jawdrop: :? :sick: Not just no but No Fuc5ing way in hell. That your DH even considers this makes him a write off as a life partner IMHO. That you support it at all gives me huge reservations about your state of mind. DH needs to put his hand between his legs and grab a big old fist full of man sack and man up. This guy is pathetic.

Someone needs to put this kid over the bench in the woodshed and light his ass up with a belt and keep the heat on his ass until he gains clarity in his pea brain.

This "man" :sick: is far from an equity life partner and it is beyond me why anyone would want him.

IMHO of course.

Disneyfan's picture

Who defended his behavior? I recall posters pointing out that his feelings were valid.

The OP said they did not decide to move UNTIL the kid said he was OK with them moving. That was a lot of power to give a kid.

twoviewpoints's picture

I couldn't help but think the same thing, Tommar, when I read the kid's demands. Kids' got a future in contract negotiations if nothing else. Dad didn't even counter proposal or call impasse... he just crumbled.

I feel bad for the OP though as this isn't going to turn out well.

princessmofo's picture

I stopped reading after the puppy demand.

Run, far away and fast from this d*ckless dh of yours and his sniveling son.

Oh, and take the damn dog with you.

momjeans's picture

No, you're not off at all.

I get the whole DH not wanting to lose his son, I really do, but this is just too much. And yes, allowing his SS to dictate is beyond insane.

After all that... I'd be eternally repulsed by the sight of him. He's a coward and he has failed you as a husband.

still learning's picture

DD needs to block SS on Instagram, his feelings will get hurt but he has no right to "follow" her and make demands from her posts.

Take your kids and go out to eat if DH insists on making the same food 4 nights in a row!

Let DH go stay with his mommy for 2 weekends a month. Let him kowtow to his son, let whatever is going to happen happen and then let DH go. There's no future for you or your children with this man if this is how he's going to behave. If he refuses to get therapy for this situation cut loose weak DH and his dictator son; you and your kids deserve better.

I feel most sorry for the dog Sad

luv2luv's picture

Two things popped up for me

1) You think seeing your husband every night but not on the weekends isn't fair to you; but your step son going from seeing him half the month to seeing him 6 days (3 weekends per your old post) and 1 dinner/week so 6 days and 4 hours is enough. Nice!!

2) Your SS's demands are ludicrous and should not be entertained; that does not mean your DH has been fair. He did give up time with his son for your financial betterment (his raise is only enough for gas and eating out). Your financial betterment doesn't help your SS, so its not as if SS gets anything out of this move. The person/people who benefited were you and your kids. Life isn't fair and SS should learn that but let's not pretend this move has been fair to him.

2A) To reiterate, your SS's demands can't be entertained. They are unreasonable in their own right even if the exact impetus behind them doesn't show your DH in a positive light.

sabrinasmith's picture

The kid is insane, and DH shouldn't agree to any of his request, who the hell hi think he is??
He should still coming to your house for visitation, your DH can't leave you alone EOW.
The dog thing is stupid, is your family dog! And stay there.
Your kids can call your DH exactly like they want, after all, they are who are living with him every day.
Don't let this recentment kid ruin your family, support your DH talking with him about his feelings and show him why hi is not thinking clearly. He nevere will lose his kid, the kid will have a tought life anyway, spoiling him is not going to make his life better.
But DH can works in his future, his second chance to be happy with you, in a new place, far away of the problems. Try making your DH enjoy the time together, so will be easier for him feel that he made the best choice.

LikeMinded's picture

Hi Goldie,

I'm sorry things have gotten so crazy.

Is something else going on with DH? He's not behaing normally. Is he still having problems adjusting to the move?

Unfortunately, as far as counseling goes, if you end up with a kid-centric counselor, this could blow up in your face.

Are there any parenting claasses in your area... I doubt anyone would agree with the way DH is parenting, and it may be a good non confrontational way to address this.

Did DH disagree with your disengaging? He can't do that, lol!

goldieRet's picture

Tommar24, I really don’t understand your problem with me. You have posted rude comments on my blogs several times now. I tried to ignore you as other ladies have told me.

Lucy, LikeMinded and many other people have messaged me in private and have been very kind to me.

I did not respond to you yesterday because I was grading assignments until 1 a.m. However, even if I did I have time, I am not sure if I would have responded to your rude comments.

If you disagree so much with my blogs, maybe you should not post on them. I am not forcing you in any way.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Have you read Harry Potter? Your SS sons like Dudley Dursley. "37 presents? Last year I had 38!"

goldieRet's picture

Thank you Sally/LikeMinded/Lucy and others.

I am not sure if I made myself clear in the post but DH has not agreed to any of this. He just told me what SS said. I think some ladies here overreacted because of my mistake. Sorry!

And yes, it is very unacceptable what SS is demanding. I discussed with DH and I think we came up with a compromise. DH will go once a week like always. Twice a week is a bit too much and DH agrees he won’t be able to deal with the driving and costs. He is willing to spend one weekend every second month at his mother’s place. But not two entire weekends every month.

I actually don’t even care whether my kids call DH dad or not. It’s more out of laziness they do it because his name is a bit long. It just annoys me because SS demands this and yet calls his SF Dad.

Now for that damn puppy. I am more frustrated with DH that he even got the puppy. I told him I would not be dealing with its poop. And he said our kids would do it with his help. But not it’s the biggest source of fighting between my kids and SS. I told DH that I was ok with SS getting a few dedicated hours of alone time with the puppy every weekend. But he can’t stop my kids from playing with the puppy the entire weekend. Of course they will fight. DH agrees with this as well.

I am a bit more cautious about therapy for SS after seeing comments saying it might make things worse. Maybe DH and I should see someone first. We are just too busy to even do this.

As for the food thing. If I had my way, I would be cooking the entire week like Sally suggested if I could. Unfortunately, two days I have late meetings so DH has to do it. I am thinking about making DD block SS on instagram but I know it will just cause more issues.

DH is not a bad father or husband ladies. He was really great until SS suddenly started acting this way. He was quite soft on SS to begin with but SS was never this bad. And now I think he is just scared that SS will refuse to come over. In the initial months of the move, things were pretty great with SS. This jealousy was quite sudden. I’m not going to leave DH just because of a few months of craziness. It took me a while to find a good man.

And what is it with people’s obsession with DH’s genitalia ;)?

twoviewpoints's picture

I don't use Instagram, can the person set who sees what like on Facebook? If she could 'downgrade' SS's viewing ability she can perhaps let SS see the floral pictures. Maybe even some food pics that she creates (like cookies and cupcakes she made and decorated), but not be able to view other things. SS wouldn't know the difference that he's not seeing everything.

Another idea on meals. You and your kids could go out for Mom/kid time on Saturday evening to dinner some weekends. SS and Dh go out once a week now. Why not treat your kids and let Dad cook that night at home for his kid? It gives SS Dad/kid time, let's you and your kids have a fun meal out while at it.

The puppy? Let SS figure out the poop duty is his on weekends. He can feed puppy and take puppy out for exercise and pee/poop trips. Puppies aren't all just play, they come with responsibility too. He can do his turn of pooper scoopers and 6am potty time.

Let your kids come up with a 'name' to call Stepdad. It doesn't have to be his first name.

momjeans's picture

Instagram is all or nothing. If someone follows you, they can see all uploaded photos. There isn't a setting to control the privacy of individual photos. The options are: to allow someone to follow you or not. If he's currently following her and she makes her account "private," he's still following. He'd have to be "blocked" to drop him from her followers and switch her account to "private" (if it's currently public). She can then either unblock him so it's not obvious that she has him blocked, or she can keep him blocked if she wants her account to remain public. Either way, her photos won't be viewable to him - unless he views her public account under a friends or a fake account, of course.

I'm sure the daughter is aware of all this.

If he's friends with her on Facebook, but has been blocked from her Instagram, he will see her photos if she shares them on Facebook, but she can adjust her Facebook settings so he can't.

PolyMom's picture

Clearly SS has DH wrapped around his finger, and that's the point where you have to say "Not my kid, not my problem." I personally watched BM follow every single order SS13 gave her, and she wonders why she can't get any control over him...but the thing about that is he still prefers to live with us. Kids not only NEED boundaries, they desperately WANT them. It keeps them stable. They shake the locked gate to make sure it's still locked. Your DH allowing this to go on, is only opening the gate for him, allowing the instability to flourish, and ultimately, your SS will probably just start refusing visitation. You keep yourself and your kids in line if DH doesn't want your help, don't offer it up. if he seeks your advice, then sure, give him your honest opinion, but if not, there's not a whole lot you can do to fix this.

robin333's picture

Can your kids come up with a nickname for your DH? I agree with the others, I would have DD block SS on Insta. That's her profile and she should be able to determine her followers.

I am really glad to hear DH hasn't agreed to all that.

goldieRet's picture

Thanks for the instagram tips ladies.I wish there was a way for SS to not see the food posts only. DH already texted me today saying he needs to get another taco kit. Why? Because he made them yesterday and SS saw DD's photos. These were that tacos that SS was supposed to eat with us last weekend. I haven’t actually told DH that I have an issue about him making the same meals again. I don’t want to come across as annoying.

And Robin, I don’t want to bother with brainstorming for a nickname. I know SS will find a way to get mad about it. My kids can just go back to calling DH by his first name. It just makes me sad because we managed to get along really well till now, SS included.

PolyMom's picture

I wouldn't even bother catering that much. In your home, you eat what you want, when you want. DH and I have the kids call us by our first name nicknames, which come off as close enough to sounding endearing like "mom" and "Dad". It specifically says in both settlement agreements parents cannot encourage kids to refer to anyone else as "Mom" or "Dad" so we just never went there.

LikeMinded's picture

Goldie,
Not to scare you, but I'm noticing a pattern of teenage boys wanting to live with their dads. I'm not sure if it's part of their developmental needs... but it seems to be a trend.

It's important you take back leadership as one of the adults in the household. I'd just keep stating your policies over and over, until they are accepted by everyone else.

I often say: "what happens here, when you're not here, is not your business, learn to focus on your business, it's a great life skill."

I also say "what happens at your mom's is not my business, the woman deserves her privacy, go talk to your dad about it."

"when you start paying for a house, you can start making rules"

These are all directed at SS10, who likes to cause trouble, but I say it to everyone because these are my policies, and this is my home.

Whenever he challenges me, I bring him right back down to reality.

goldieRet's picture

Hi LikeMinded/Sally/PolyMom,

I wish I had the chutzpah like you ladies and was better at standing up to SS’s demands. But I am not. I can’t help but feel selfish for having a problem with DH cooking. A lot of my friends have SOs who can even boil water so I feel like I am being ungrateful. And we always said that we would cook whatever we wanted so I feel strange about making new rules now.

As for Sally’s question about instagram. I am very anti-conflict. And I know having DD block SS from instagram will create issues with SS and DH. I do not have the energy to deal with that right now. I think my kids and I should just suck it up and eat whatever DH makes. This problem seems pretty minor compared to everything else.

I would like DH to see a therapist. But I think I should be there too. What if the therapist starts being on SS’s side about his demands? That would be a nightmare. I just need to get our schedules sorted out. I am dreading SS’s visit tomorrow. DH is going to tell him that most of his demands are unreasonable. All my weekends are becoming so awful.

I am really grateful for all your advice ladies. Thank you.

Merry's picture

But your consistent "just suck it up" stance for the sake of "peace" just makes you resentful, doesn't it? So you don't say anything to avoid conflict. And you convince yourself that it's all "no big deal" when you know it IS a big deal to you. You're actually doing your DH a disservice by NOT telling him how you feel. You can do that in a problem-solving, respectful way that doesn't have to turn into a blow up.

You are your husband's partner. He needs to know how you feel so that you can work out a solution together. Why are you giving him and your SS so much power over you and your kids? I hope you do explore your conflict avoidance stance in therapy. Way too many women just "suck it up" in order to supposedly please a spouse. And they end up losing themselves. I've been there too, and it's no fun and it's not healthy.

momjeans's picture

So, I can't help but wonder... Assuming your daughter is a teenager since she's using Facebook and Instagram, shouldn't she have a say over her own social media accounts in regards to "blocking"?

Would you actually inform her not to block SS for the sake of "issues" that may arise between a DH and SS? If so, that is some serious leverage you're making a conscious decision to give SS -- and DH to ensure HE doesn't receive any backlash.

There's no freaking way I would let some brat ruin an innocent, healthy and creative passion/hobby of my own child's.

goldieRet's picture

DD will be 12 soon. I created her instagram account and hold the password. She really loves photography so I created an account for her to share food and nature pictures only.

She barely has any followers. And if SS were to be blocked I would need to do it. I told DH I was not going to limit her food photos. But it’s having an unintended effect on my kids and I.

notasm3's picture

Why don't you have her start posting pictures of "imaginary meals"? You could really mess with the little ftard's head. }:) }:) }:)

Easier just to block her. I'd block anybody who ordered me not to block them.

momjeans's picture

Oh yes. This is great.

If it were my daughter, I'd encourage her, and even drive her to some high-end restaurants/bakeries around town, to further her iphone photography skills. If she's lucky, she'll walk away with some choice close-ups of some delectable dishes to share on Instagram. It's no lying or being deceitful if she posts it without any commentary.

Sit back and allow SS to stew over it and ultimately have a meltdown over it. Ha!