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Long post about the weekend

goldieRet's picture

This is long sorry, please bear with me.

It was yet again, another bad weekend. DH managed to push SS’s appointment up to 11 in the morning. This would have let SS go to the party, even if he would be 30 mins late.

As expected, SS did not want to go to the therapist at all. But DH said that he could only go to the party if he did the therapy first. SS ended up agreeing and huffed and puffed and slammed doors while going. But then he left and I had some peace at last.

I get a call at 12 from DH who said he will tell me what happened when he gets back from the party. Then he calls again at 3 pm and said that they were stuck in traffic for 2.5 hours because of yet another accident. I hate the goddamn road. SS ended up going to the party for only 30 mins before it ended. Naturally SS is angry and starts giving DH the silent treatment.

DH asks me if he can take SS to the new Zootopia movie to make it up to him. I originally said no because we were supposed to watch it as a family over spring break and I didn’t want SS to spoil the ending like he did with Kung Fu Panda. DS and DD didn’t enjoy the movie as much because of that.

But then I felt bad about SS missing the party so I told DH to go ahead and take SS. I then rushed to the theater with my kids so we would see it too. I hate paying full price for movies but I didn’t want to risk SS ruining the ending for this too. The movie is really great ladies. Everyone should watch it.

DH and SS finally reach home around 7 and SS is still pissed off. He stomps off to his room and slams his door shut. I just can’t be bothered to care about the slamming anymore. DH makes an awesome pasta dish that is one SS’s favorites. But SS refuses to eat with us and only wants to eat in his room which DH allows because it was a tough day. DH comes back later with the plate still full, looking disappointed and saying that SS told him it didn’t taste good. He ended up making a sandwich for SS.

We get into bed and I finally hear some details. The same issues came up. SS said it wasn’t fair that his weekends get wasted from the driving. And today’s debacle probably just confirmed that for him.

He is upset that DH got my kids a dog when it was him who was begging for one. DH actually meant the dog for SS. He even drove 5 hours to a good golden retriever breeder because that was the breed that SS wanted. SS brought up the instagram photos that DD took of the puppy in the park as proof that the dog was for my kids. Do I actually need to limit what pictures she can take? I have already told her it can only be food or nature.

But in therapy, SS was refusing to listen to DH and kept accusing him of spending more time with my kids more than him. DH brought out the calendar that we worked on to show that SS was getting almost the same amount of time. Then SS said that he needs to cut off even more days because of the driving.

The therapist asked SS what DH needs to do to make it better and SS said that DH needs to move back. DH tried to explain that it was financially impossible but SS wouldn’t budge. The therapist said she will help come up with a compromise in a few more sessions.

But SS did say one major thing that made DH tear up as he told. SS said that both BM and DH are happy with their new families and SS has no choice but to show up and do whatever our families want. I felt pretty sad for SS.

Sunday was miserable too. SS only talked to DD and refused to talk to the rest of us. When DS tried to join in their conversation he would stop participating. He probably feels like DS is taking his place more than anything. But that doesn’t mean DS didn’t feel really bad about it. We went to the park and the puppy was playing more with my kids. That just pissed SS off as usual and he spent the rest of the day pouting. I can tell DH is regretting getting the puppy a lot. But now it’s too late.

I also wanted to answer some comments on my last blog post. DH can’t leave SS with BM because she is not really an involved parent and wants her weekends to be childfree. She makes plans with her husband on almost every weekend. Even during the week she doesn’t go to SS’s sports games or parent-teacher meetings. DH does all of them himself. DH didn’t want to rock the boat with her by making her take SS last minute.

I also made DH ask about single therapy sessions for only him to address his guilt like some of you ladies suggested. But the therapist says it’s better if he and SS do it together so SS doesn’t feel like the therapist is taking DH’s side by talking to him more. DH seems to trust her so that’s good enough for me.

I feel like the therapy session made DH even guiltier than ever. Please tell me it gets worse before it gets better. March break is coming up and we get SS for all of it. SS has another therapy session scheduled for next Saturday. I hope that helps more.

On a positive note, I marked 45 essays on one Saturday. It’s a new record for me.

goldieRet's picture

This therapist actually told DH it would be better to always do sessions with SS together. We are trusting her because she is the professional.

But I also found it strange that she didn't say that the way SS was acting is unacceptable. Maybe she doesn't want to upset SS on the first session.

Rags's picture

And you didn't shoot the abusive son of a bitch? Self defense and double tap center mass solves idiots like that permenantly and keeps them from further polluting the gene pool.

Please say you put him out of societies misery.

I am sorry you and your kids had to live that experience.

luv2luv's picture

Goldie I feel really bad for your SS. I know you keep saying that he agreed to the move, he's a child he didn't necessarily know what that means. You can't move back and that is what it is but do not keep holding up the fact that you had his approval as if it means something. Adults struggle with agreements they made that they didn't understand, so he gets a pass for giving you his blessing and not realizing how much it would suck.

I will agree with your SS that spending hours driving every weekend is a waste of time. I used to commute 1.5 hours each way to work and it felt like I was wasting my life during that commute. That isn't your fault, but I see what he is saying about that not being quality time. I also see what he is saying about your kids having it better than he does. They do have it better than him. They get to be at their own home every weekend, they get to be with his dad (which he thinks is the prize) and they get to live their life however they want while he doesn't get that freedom. His father up and moved far away without him. His mother isn't an involved parent. So yeah he gets to think it's unfair and sucky, because it is.

But life is unfair. And hopefully the therapist can help him process that he will never have everything others have, and there will be people in his life who just have it better than he does, his step siblings for example, or the Gates children or the Hiltons. Life will not be fair to him, it isn't to anyone. Hopefully he will learn to cope with that reality. His dad moved away, that means this kid's only options are 1) see him less 2) waste hours driving each weekend to see him. And the therapist can help him realize that being upset about it doesn't change the reality. The life he led previously is gone, there are no 50/50s anymore. There are no 7 days with dad until breaks and summers, so he needs to adjust.

lintini's picture

”SS said that both BM and DH are happy with their new families and SS has no choice but to show up and do whatever our families want. I felt pretty sad for SS.”

This is completely false though from what you've been saying. SS dictates the entire weekend down to his time with the puppy and what is made for dinner.

DH is just negotiating with a terrorist and it sounds like that therapist played it cool to get them to come back.

goldieRet's picture

You are quoting me out of context. This was my whole quote about that:

"As it is, I barely see DH when SS visits because SS demands alone time. But at least we get nights together."

I support DH spending alone time with SS. But in that post you brought up, I was responding to SS's demand that DH had to spend entire weekends in his town.

I told myself I wouldn't respond to you anymore. But I fell for it. I had to defend myself. It's like you hate me. I don't even know you lady.

goldieRet's picture

Again lady. Look up what context is. Go away. Stop nit picking my individual words in a blog post.

goldieRet's picture

Well I guess you misinterpreted it. I encourage SS to have alone time with DH. Even last weekend, I stopped my kids from going with them so that DH and SS spend time together on Saturday.

Now that is cleared up. So please stop accusing me of something that is not true. DH also sees SS for dinner once a week and sits through his games. You don't know everything about my life.

Rags's picture

"DH is just negotiating with a terrorist and it sounds like that therapist played it cool to get them to come back."

Like,like, like.

still learning's picture

^^what lintini said. SS is pulling the strings, making DH drive to and fro at his bidding, demanding what food is served, who touches the dog and when. Dictating that his step sibs are not allowed to call DH "Dad." The kid has been given way too much power. It started by having his "permission" to move. No child should get to dictate where their parents live and work.

goldieRet's picture

DH is my kid's stepdad. You seriously think I would make my kid with DH (if I had one) stop calling him "Dad"? SS doesn't want my kids calling their stepdad "Dad". I said fine.

Can't I just vent and ask for advice?

The party thing was a problem for me. Sorry it doesn't important to you. But it affected me mentally and I wanted some advice to help DH make the best decision.

It's hard to disengage when my life is being affected too.

I feel like I'm being told my problems don't matter and I should just shut up. I just want a place to ask other stepmoms for advice and air out my frustrations. Instead I keep having to defend myself.

goldieRet's picture

Please Fruitsalad. I have told Jasper the same thing. Don't make my blog post into a joke like you have done before.

I still remember you accusing me of forcing DH to move in order to make more money for my kids. That was hurtful and absolutely untrue. I have tried to avoid you since then. Please make jokes in your own blog posts.

goldieRet's picture

Thank you Fruitsalad. And I completely agree that SS is unhappy. THat is why we are actively looking for ways to fix that. Nothing would make me happier.

I wish we cold just move back but our finances are locked up in this house for a while.

I think we got off on the wrong foot. You said in my first blog that I depended on DH to support me and my kids and that really rubbed me the wrong way.

I hope we can put our petty stuff behind us.

goldieRet's picture

Could you please stop making a mockery of my post?

I come here for support. I don't want to be part of your inside jokes. And I agree with Lucy, I felt you were being quite dismissive towards me.

The stuff I am posting about has been very upsetting and stressful for my family. You may not think so. But for me it is. I am just trying everything I can to make it better.

I am not forcing you to comment on my blog. I have not done anything to you.

goldieRet's picture

Good luck to you too. Not all of us can disengage completely.

If you see my past posts, I have acknowledged differing viewpoints.

However, when I have a concern/vent, I don't like it being called "f*king stupid". I also don't like that you were making jokes on my blog post.

We just have to agree to disagree.

goldieRet's picture

I never said you did. I was referring to my "concern/vent". You called it a F*ing stupid party. I just didn't like that. That is all.

Can we just drop this? I am tired of arguing.

Willow2010's picture

Why did DH move away from his son. Especially as involved as he was? I could NEVER do that.

I am not taking up for SS but could you imagine the problems your kids would have if they only got to see you 2 days a week? How would YOU feel if you only got 2 days a week to see your kids?

Edit to add...is there any way you can move back to be closer to SS?

goldieRet's picture

It's friday, saturday, sunday and a weekday. It's every weekend 90% of the time. And summers and almost all breaks.

We thought it would be ok then. But clearly it wasn't. I can't go back in time.

Willow2010's picture

You would be OK with seeing your kids on that schedule or being in a car that long EVERY weekend and one day a week? I think not. Neither would your kids. SS sees this as DH moved away and is now a parent to your kids. And it is true basically.

There is no way DH will be able to keep up with this for long.

DPW's picture

Hi Goldie,

I think it's going to take time and it might get worse before it gets better, but at least there's a positive here - they went to their first therapy session! Due to the complexities in this situation, I think therapy is the only shot you guys have at solving this all, especially because DH can't see past his guilt in order to manage SS. Hopefully this therapist will be able to not only provide SS with the tools to cope but also provide DH the tools to parent. If not, then I also agree with the others that DH might need his own therapist but I'd wait a bit to see how this therapist works out.

I'm sorry that a lot of people give you a hard time on this forum. It's uncalled for and makes me embarrassed to be part of the community. I think out of most here, you have the most serious problems in which need appropriate and realistic solutions, not this petty bullsh*t. Might I suggest that you post blogs instead of posting on the forums. When you post blogs, you can delete other people's comments. I'd also contact Dawn, the site moderator, and ask her for solutions when you are feeling harassed by certain members. She might have some creative options for you.

Good luck and keep posting. I read your posts with an open mind but haven't posted a lot as I don't have much to offer. I think this is just a really complex and difficult situation and it simply sucks.

goldieRet's picture

Thank you DPW. I really don't want to create a big issue. People can post what they want. Maybe posting here was a bad idea for my situation.

Willow2010's picture

DH needs to find a way to move back. Somehow. Anything is possible if he really wants it. Please read imasmom post and take it to heart. She is right on the money.

I feel really bad for your SS.

Disneyfan's picture

Both of those kids are your bio kid, so of course you do everything as family.
It's a bit different when the other kid is your sibling and not just you step brother/sister.

Cover1W's picture

I agree with this.
DP has 50/50 with SDs, and travel time to/from BMs/our place can be as little as 1.5 hours to 2 or 3 depending on traffic, one way.

So I get the travel issues.
What we (well, mostly DP unless I'm directly involved in activity) have to do, as adults is PLAN AHEAD. If we give one of the SDs an ok to attend a party near BMs, we cannot do it last minute and we have to stick to the plan. I can't imagine giving one of the SDs the power to change plans (oh...wait a minute...that's happened to me!...lately...and DP got a good dose of reality lately from me). My SDs get that they don't get to see their friends all the time, and they've made friends near our house now. They figured it out. They like having the separation I think at this point - they get the best of both worlds!

Basically, the kid doesn't get to make decisions an adult would make.
Kid doesn't decide where parents live (it sucks, but sometimes divorced couples don't live in the same town for legit reasons).
Kid doesn't decide what's for dinner. If they don't like it, there's the peanut butter and bread or whatever kid can make on their own. No dinner in their room!
Slamming doors? One or two warnings about door, then NO DOOR.

The kid here, I agree, has things figured out.
I am glad there is a therapist involved - it seems needed by both SS and your DH. I am willing to bet SM will be asked to go at some point too.

Goldie, take a breath. Your posts sound so panicked. It's ok to step back a little and let your DH deal with this; if it's directly effecting your house (like damages, uneaten food, your kids) you can do direct damage control but carefully. Tuesdays' right - get him involved. No more decisions made by ANY kids. Adults plan things all will like (my SDs are two years apart and we generally don't have a problem), and do it. If SS pouts that's his choice (heck, I did this as a 13 yo with married parents!). Make the offers, make the chore charts, discuss involvement with your DH, make convo positive; this worked with my DP (except the chore charts...).

Tangible's picture

I don't understand why the dad didn't insist on his son moving with him if he is the more involved parent? I know the kid is 13 but he's still being taken to the movies to see Disney cartoons for pete's sake. It sounds like the BM was open to the kid moving since he was given a choice.

Tangible's picture

I said that based on this: "I also wanted to answer some comments on my last blog post. DH can’t leave SS with BM because she is not really an involved parent and wants her weekends to be childfree. She makes plans with her husband on almost every weekend. Even during the week she doesn’t go to SS’s sports games or parent-teacher meetings. DH does all of them himself. DH didn’t want to rock the boat with her by making her take SS last minute." and also based on the fact that SS was given a choice on moving. I could be wrong but I highly doubt the dad was prepared to drop thousands on a court battle, it makes more sense that he wouldn't offer unless he knew it could be negotiated with BM.

I also love Disney movies but I can't imagine my 14 year old step son or any of his 13-14 year old friends choosing to see the latest kids' cartoon over all the other movies playing right now. Add in the part about the dad making his kid a sandwich, the crying fits over the dog and whatnot, etc, and if I didn't know his age I would guess that he is no more than 10 tops. So if he is going to treat his son like he's younger than he really is why leave such a big decision up to him?

Rags's picture

Where are the adults in this picture and who has the balls in this situation other than this toxic, entitled, manipulative little brat POS crotch dropping punk?

Time for everyone and I mean everyone to stop catering to this little POS kid. Each and every time he gets catered to out of guilt instead of turned over a saw horse in the wood shed for a meeting between the razor strop and his ass only enables his bullshit and reinforces that he has everyone in the picture by the short and curlies and controls their balls.

Grrrrrr!!! If this kid was in my world he would be one miserable little waste of skin. You and DH are only showing DS and DD that toxic bullshit is rewarded while appropriate behavior is not worth the effort. Time to make this POS an example and teach him some raw and completely unpleasant facts about the consequences of his manipulative crap.

And this pseudo-science syndrome of the month idiot "therapist"...... fire that useless POS and find one with half a brain and some testicles. Male or female makes no difference, just one who has some professional gonads and will not pull this touchy feely waste of time enabling bullshit that only empowers this kid to continue his manipulative crap. Instead of everyone in the picture being miserable because of this little fuck trophy it is time for him to be the miserable one and everyone else to be happy. He can play ball or he can be miserable and it needs to be a very tight box that he is kept in regarding how much of him will be tolerated.

Bring the pain and bare his bratty ass immediately and publically each and every time he so much as thinks about whining, pouting, or doing anything other than exactly what he is told when he is told to do it. Kid love standing in the back of the theater with their noses in a corner or in a restaurant with their noses in a corner while everyone else in the family is enjoying their meal. Show him the difference between how well behaved non-manipulative and non-bratty children enjoy life and how he experiences abject misery in relation to his crap behavior. He will learn or he will at least just shut up and be stone-faced. Either way is an improvement over his current state of having no redeeming qualities what-so-ever.

No more eating in his room instead of eating what is served at the table with the rest of the family, no more sandwiches if he doesn’t like what is prepared. He eats it or he goes hungry. If he so much as whines or pouts ….. razor strop meet kid ass. No more rewarding him with movies when he pouts over not getting what he wants. No more feeling sorry for him for anything at any time for any reason. Sorry is between shit and syphilis in the dictionary and he probably does not want either of those so the only sorry in the picture should be what he feels when his mopey, pouty, manipulative kid ass is getting smoked by the razor strop.

Holy crap this kid pisses me off.

Ship his ass off to Military School where the young cadet leaders will chew him up and spit him out. They love whiney little brats like your skid and they eat them for a mid-morning snack.

Abject misery is the order of the day for this kid until he pulls his head out of his butt. No one should give one pico-second of thought to him until he learns that he either catches a clue or he suffers while everyone else is enjoying life around him.

You and DH need to knock of the guilt and grow the hell up or this kid is a lost cause already and your own will not be far behind. No more getting to decide how often he comes, for how long, or who he lives with. HE is told, he complies, or he receives consequences. Yes, divorce is hard, families sometimes have to move and when that happens one or more family members may not like it. But... tough shit. Suck it up, and get with the program or by miserable. Quit trying to understand this crap from this kid, set the rules of behavior, enforce the rules, and stick with the program rather than being his beck-and-call bitches any time he pouts, whines, cries, etc.....

IMHO of course.
Grrrrrrr!

And one more thing... slamming doors in anger or frustration? That was a near death sentence in my parents home when we were growing up. Other than the occasional spanking (well deserved) our father never hit me or my brothers. Neither did our mom. I came the closest. I was in my early teens and mom had been riding me pretty hard because of my attitude. The straw that broke the camel’s back on a long tense day between mom and I was dinner. She snapped at me at dinner, I snapped back, I was told to leave the table and go to my room. I stood up, a little too firmly threw my fork on my plate (bad move), shoved my chair under the table a little too hard (another bad move), stomped down the hallway (ditto on the previous bad moves), and slammed the bedroom door of the room that my little brother and I shared (that was the culminating bad move). I heard a fork tink on a plate, a chair scoot out from the table, firm footsteps coming down the hall, my door flew open and the true extent of my bad choices came to play. I had climbed onto my top bunk (in hind sight I should have flopped on my little brother's bottom bunk). Dad firmly removed me from my bunk, thumped me onto the floor, straddled my chest on his knees and punched the hard wood floor next to my head and said "If you were not a kid I would kick your ass. You never speak to my wife in that manner, you never disrespect the home that your mom and I work hard to provide, and you never act that way in front of your little brother do you get my message young man?" followed by another fist to the floor next to my head and a firm shove of my chest as he stood up. He then calmly closed the door, walked down the hallway, pulled out his chair, and finished his dinner.

I learned my lesson.

The same lesson your Skid desperately needs.

If any adult in his life loves this kid they need to step up and jerk a knot in his tail so tight that he will not be able to shit a mustard seed without asking for someone to loosen the knot.

Again, IMHO of course.

This kid really chaps my ass!!!

Rags's picture

Actually I love kids. They love me. What I detest is idiot parents and useless adults who tolerate, facilitate, and enable this kind of crap behavior from a kid. There is no easy button solution for this crap and the only way to effectively and directly deal with it is to set the rules of acceptable behavior and enforce them consistently. When a kid chooses to violate those rules they choose the consequences. A parent is not their kid's friend. A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate, and disciplinarian and if a parent fails in any of these arenas of parental duty they pass a PITA on to society to deal with when that kid reaches the age when responsibly raised children reach adulthood.

No one is inherently special including children. Only performance is special and lack of behavioral performance should not be rewarded or tolerated not even in a child.

I use colorful language, I advocate accountability for behavior for all kids in an age appropriate manner and yes... when necessary I believe in the effectiveness of occasionally applying some sting to a kid butt to close the open circuit between brain and behavior when progressive discipline of less synaptic focus proves to be ineffective.

If establishing and enforcing behavioral standards breaks the cycle of the spawn of idiots adding more idiot spawn to the human gene pool then that is a good thing.
And that .... is my opinion.

Like it or not. I matters not to me.

Rags's picture

How about this rewrite?

I cannot lie. I had much more fun writing it the first time than in the rewrite.

Let me know if this works better to quell your sensitivities.

“Where are the adults in this picture and who has the control in this situation other than this toxic, entitled, manipulative little brat?
Time for everyone and I mean everyone to stop catering to this little whiney kid. Each and every time he gets catered to out of guilt instead of receiving progressive disciplinary consequences only enables his unacceptable behavior and reinforces that he has everyone under his control.
Grrrrrr!!! If this kid was in my world he would be one miserable young man. You and DH are only showing DS and DD that toxic manipulation is rewarded while appropriate behavior is not worth the effort. Time to make this POS an example and teach him some raw and completely unpleasant facts about the consequences of his manipulative crap.
And this pseudo-science syndrome of the month idiot "therapist"...... fire that useless waste of a degree or two and find one with half a brain and some testicular fortitude. Male or female makes no difference, just one who has some professional gonads and will not pull this ineffective touchy feely waste of time that only empowers this kid to continue his manipulation of everyone in the picture. Instead of everyone in the picture being miserable because of this little progeny of a failed relationship it is time for him to be the miserable one and everyone else to be happy. He can play ball or he can be miserable and it needs to be a very tight box that he is kept in regarding how much of him will be tolerated.
Bring the consequences immediately and publically each and every time he so much as thinks about whining, pouting, or doing anything other than exactly what he is told when he is told to do it. Kids respond very quickly to having to stand in the back of the theater with their noses in a corner or in a restaurant with their noses in a corner while everyone else in the family is enjoying the movie or their meal together. Show him the difference between how well behaved non-manipulative and non-bratty children enjoy life and how he experiences abject misery in relation to his crap behavior. He will learn or he will at least just shut up and be stone-faced. Either way is an improvement over his current state of having no redeeming qualities what-so-ever.
No more eating in his room instead of eating what is served at the table with the rest of the family, no more sandwiches if he doesn’t like what is prepared. He eats it or he goes hungry. If he so much as whines or pouts ….. he lives the consequences of his behavioral choices. No more rewarding him with movies when he pouts over not getting what he wants. No more feeling sorry for him for anything at any time for any reason.
Holy toxic behavior Batman this kid irritates me.
I would seriously consider Military School for him where the young cadet leaders who are trained to lead their peers will help him navigate the maturation process. They take great pride in giving young men of little maturity the lessons of group dynamics, personal responsibility, and growing in confidence as they grow up.
Accountability is the order of the day for this poor misguided young man until he the treatment for his chronic Cranio-Rectitis begins to show results. No one should give thought to his feelings until he learns that he either catches a clue or he suffers while everyone else is enjoying life around him.
You and DH need to realize in a hurry that if he is not is lost cause already he soon will be and your own will children not be far behind. No more getting to decide how often he comes, for how long, or who he lives with. He is told, he complies, or he receives consequences. Yes, divorce is hard, families sometimes have to move and when that happens one or more family members may not like it. But... everyone needs to learn to suck it up, and get with the program or by miserable. Quit trying to understand the cause of the manipulations from this kid, set the rules of behavior, enforce the rules, and stick with the program rather than being his beck-and-call guild ridden minions any time he pouts, whines, cries, etc.....
IMHO of course.

And one more thing... slamming doors in anger or frustration? That was a near death sentence in my parents’ home when we were growing up. Other than the occasional spanking (well deserved) our father never hit me or my brothers. Neither did our mom. I came the closest. I was in my early teens and mom had been riding me pretty hard because of my attitude. The straw that broke the camel’s back on a long tense day between mom and I was dinner. She snapped at me at dinner, I snapped back, I was told to leave the table and go to my room. I stood up, a little too firmly threw my fork on my plate (bad move), shoved my chair under the table a little too hard (another bad move), stomped down the hallway (ditto on the previous bad moves), and slammed the bedroom door of the room that my little brother and I shared (that was the culminating bad move). I heard a fork tink on a plate, a chair scoot out from the table, firm footsteps coming down the hall, my door flew open and the true extent of my bad choices came to play. I had climbed onto my top bunk (in hind sight I should have flopped on my little brother's bottom bunk). Dad firmly removed me from my bunk, thumped me onto the floor, straddled my chest on his knees and punched the hard wood floor next to my head and said "If you were not a kid I would kick your ass. You never speak to my wife in that manner, you never disrespect the home that your mom and I work hard to provide, and you never act that way in front of your little brother do you get my message young man?" followed by another fist to the floor next to my head and a firm shove of my chest as he stood up. He then calmly closed the door, walked down the hallway, pulled out his chair, and finished his dinner.
I learned my lesson.
The same lesson your Skid desperately needs.
If any adult in his life loves this kid they need to step up and jerk a knot in his tail so tight that he will not be able to defecate a mustard seed without asking for someone to loosen the knot.
Again, IMHO of course.
This child induces extreme frustration in me and I am not even involved in dealing with his inappropriate behaviors.”

Rags's picture

I talk about behavior and the people who perpetrate that behavior. As for rearing children... I come from a line of very successful parents. All of my grandparent's children are successful adults who have raised successful childen who are all in long term successful marriages. All of my parents children are graduate degreed very successful professionals in 20+ year marriages with no arrest records, or any criminal record at all. All of my parent's GKs are arrest record free, drug free, high performing students or self supporting young adults. The son I raised as my own since he was 2yo in equity parentership with my amazing bride is a self supporting high performing viable adult unlike his BioDad and the remaining adults in that family who are trainwrecks of poor decision making and are raising another generation just like them.

So, the facts support that not only do I have business raising a child, I have done it quite successfully, and though maybe not coddlingly tender I have the best interests of kids and families in mind. Even with my less than sensitive opinions I have shown that I can and have raised a child very successfully and effectively.

People who are capable of learning from others may benefit from not only listening to the advice I provide but also applying some of it. I do not coddle, I do not waste much time in tolerating inappropriate behavior while I investigate its root cause. I address the behavior and work with the perpetrator of inappropriate behavior to address not repeating the behavior. It is effective.

Feel free to share your bona fides of parenting history and success. "None of the above" on your profile regarding parenting status does not say much.

BlackDragon's picture

I have to ask, op, when you asked your as if it was ok with him that you moved, would you have seriously not have moved if he had been against it at the time?

If so - why are you upset that he now believes he has an adult say in where you live and how you run your lives?

If not - then why ask at all? To alleviate any guilt that resulted?

It is abusive to put a child in the middle of an adult decision like that. And it's equally abusive to throw that back into his face when things didn't turn out as he'd envisioned. He didn't understand the full consequences of what he was agreeing to - because he's a kid.

Also, bearing the fact that your husband and stepson are going through some major issues, do you think you could pull an Elsa and just let frickin' Kung Foo Panda-gate go? This is why a lot of posters have difficulty taking you seriously - your words say you feel bad and care about your stepsons's feelings, but your outrage over him "spoiling" a third-rate kid's cartoon suggests otherwise.

BlackDragon's picture

If op needs to vent that ss gave away the ending to fricking Kung Foo Panda 3 and "ruined" it for her poor kids,she has every right.

However, I find it to be a telling focus of her attention and concern in the middle of all of this.

twoviewpoints's picture

At the rate this blended family is spending entertainment money every weekend to try and keep all the kids happy and things supposedly 'fair', more money from the move has to be rapidly disappearing.

I was encouraged that kid went into counseling, begrudgingly but willingly. Encouragement didn't last long as I went on to read how Dad pulled out prepared calendar. WTF? Dad and OP just don't 'get it' that quantity is nowhere near the same as seven entire days/nights twice a month is. That calendar in kid's face justification attempt was just more fuel on kid's already fire.

And then the movie shenanigans. All these comments on OP'S forum postings about life isn't fair, kid needs 'tools' to accept that and suck it up.... yet OP races her kids out the door to the theatre because SS gets to go to make up for missing most the birthday party. Yeah, yeah the justification is 'but SS will ruin the ending blah blah'. :? What happened to life isn't fair and tools to accept and suck it up?? Guess that's only meant for OP'S SS, not her own little darlings.

And the d*mn dog. OMG. I haven't heard a grown man be so stupidly thoughtless to do to a kid since that one dad here that had his son pay half for an Xbox for Christmas but meant to be shared with the stepbrother. Where the heck are these men's brains?

I do feel bad for OP and for her son also. Her son is getting the wrath of Dad's kid and OP'S son has done nothing personally himself to cause it.

I don't know how this is going to turn out, right now it doesn't look good. Who knows, given a chance maybe the counseling will make progress. Maybe when counselor gives her compromise recommendations her proposed solutions will be the miracle needed.

twoviewpoints's picture

Because life isn't fair, suck it up Biggrin

Do you really think Dad's kid was going to happily go off on Spring Break to see a movie as a 'family'? Kid won't even come out and eat at dinner table with them.

BlackDragon's picture

Am I missing something, here? Is this zoo-whatever movie being lauded as the next Citizen Kane or something?

Done62's picture

Rags I have been reading this forum for over 5 years and all I want to say is I agree 100% with everything you have said in this post.....Rags for president.....