My selfish guilt
First, I am so relieved I am not alone. I'm sadden there are so many people with similar issues, but glad I'm not alone.
Second, I don't know if I want advice or if I just need to vent: I don't like my ss10. I struggle with understanding what exactly it is that I don't like about him, but believe it has to do with all the attention he gets.
I met my husband on a major dating website and fell madly in love with him the moment we met. You could say we're soulmates. I entered the relationship knowing I would be a FT step-parent. However, I didn't really know what all that meant.
I have always loved children and even work with children daily. But something about my ss drives me crazy. He's a good kid, is smart and respectful, but infuriates me with EVERYTHING he does. I hate his hair, the way he smells, his choice in clothes, his laziness, his inability to pick up behind himself, his laugh, his voice and his prescence. But most of all, I hate the attention he gets.
I have NEVER disliked a child as much as I do him. So much so that I fantasize about running away with my one year old daughter, and starting over.
This fantasy started when my ss's mother died two yrs ago. Don't get me wrong, things were not peachy before she died! There were issues with her not paying child support, having child protection called during the four days of the month she saw my ss, telling my ss that he could not love me because "I was not blood," and all the other bs her drugs brought.
She was not the 'mothering' type and (according to the husband) did not want to be around her son more than a few days a month. She wanted to be the 'fun' parent every other weekend. I put up with it, thinking the love for my husband "would conquer the issues!" Blah!!!
My ss's mother died in a freak accident. All of a sudden, all the horrible things she had done were erased and forgotten. She was a 'martyr' for all intents and purposes. My husband said during her funeral that he had lost a dear friend. My husband never said anything positive about her when she was living. Because a child had lost his mother, whether she be good or bad in my eyes, I gritted my teeth and acted as though I was hurt for my ss. When in fact, I was relieved she was dead because I THOUGHT I would have my husband's full attention. I thought I was free of the woman that gave him his first born, therefore, we could focus on building our blended family. We all grieved her death differently and all of us sought counseling. I tried to connect with my ss, thinking I would take-over the role of his mother. ERRRRRR, wrong. The few memories of her being the 'fun' mom stuck to him. The wedge had been placed well before I entered the picture and now...there is NO break from him. I WISH she was still alive to take him from the house AT LEAST every other weekend!!!
More recently, his mother's side of the family (with whom we keep in touch, for my ss) has had a run of bad luck. Family members are dying, going to prison for shocking crimes, have major crisis, etc. I know he is a child and I am to be the adult, but living with and RAISING another woman's child is HARD!!!!!! He's had losses that are difficult for adults! And with each loss, I resent him more and more.
With the birth of my daughter, my husband accepted a job that makes him work from 6 AM to 7:30-8:00 PM so we could pay the bills. Shortly after my daughter's birth, I quit the job I loved to own a business from home (my choice) and raise our child and his child. (Basically, I'm stuck at home ALL the time!) I did this because I didn't want another woman raising my child. But now, I'm trapped. The only thing connecting my ss and me is my husband. My ss and I have nothing in common and I purposefully try to 'escape' him by going where-ever he is not. When my husband comes home, it's like he's swarmed by his family who is starved for attention. But because the ss has had "so many bad things happen to him" the fun things and outings are all for him. Even MY effing family plans things for him. I SINCERELY believe my ss understands that the more negative crap that falls on him, the more attention he gets. And it is to the point where he says he claims he's suicidal to his teachers and friends. (From an outside perspective, I'm sure this sounds cruel; but I know it's for attention!)
I'm to the point where I want to leave. My husband is a good man, a good father and a loving person (with faults), but I hate competing for attention. I want my daughter to have both her parents in her life but feel as though I have lost my life completely because of my ss's life.
I love my husband and miss him. I miss the dream I had of us and the life I wanted!
I don't feel comfortable sharing my thoughts with anyone I know because I think these thoughts are selfish and I feel guilty. Guilty for disliking a CHILD!
This sounds like a difficult
This sounds like a difficult situation.
I feel like many of us wish that BM was not around simply for the relief of the drama aspect but none of us realize what would come with the loss of BM. I have thought about what would happen if my SS lost BM and as much as I hate her and she is a no good person she is an affectionate mom and I don't know what SS would be like without her - and I know the feeling of a loss of a parent even though both mine are still alive and would hate to see SS go through that pain.
I understand that you resent and are jealous of your SS but remember again he is just 10. I know from personal experience I did not physically lost a parent in a sense at age 11. This was the beginning of myself having to cope with having a step-dad and not really a dad which is something I still struggle with to this day. And I know I needed a lot of attention, it is not a easy task. And suicidal thoughts at this point can be for attention and for actual deep reasons - and at his age I think it would be hard to truly tell as kids think a lot more than they talk.
This kid is probably still grieving the fact he lost his mother and now you want to play mom -- let alone the fact you have a little girl and he sees this kid in his house who has a mom and he doesn't have one. Whether she tried to play the 'fun' mom and had issues or not a child losing a parent is different for everyone. I know personally though I resent my father to this day and barely have a relationship with him I look at my SO who has a decent relationship with his dad and wish I had that and sometimes get jealous.
I am not saying you are a bad person for feeling this way in no means. I know sometimes I get jealous of my SS and the attention he gets especially here recently as I've been busy with work and BM has been talking crap about me and pretty much trying to convince SS I am 'stealing his daddy' again. This is making SS be a lot more clingy and SO has been buying into it even when I'm home as he feels bad about being gone so long with his job lately.
Is there someone who can watch SS maybe once every couple weeks? Maybe so you and you husband can go have a date night and refocus on you. It sounds like you still love you husband very much but you marriage has been lost in the chaos. I would bring up maybe having a date night with him - or a weekend simply for you two to be able to have alone time and you to have a designated attention time. Also try to bring up you know you daughter takes a lot of time but you want to be able to have time before bed each night. I know no matter the stress every night SO and I will sit on the couch and just read or he will look stuff up but we are together - we also shower together nightly as it is something that has to be done nightly and no one can take that away from us.
Just an idea about you getting a date night or designated time...and you don't even have to throw SS under the bus as we all know with young kids sometimes relationships can be lost.
I wish you the best!
I think you might want to
I think you might want to seriously consider leaving some time in the not so distant future. This is a situation of inevitable misery for you. You are going to spend your time being unhappy and frustrated and sad. I don't think you can fix this. This is my honest opinion. This child is not going to leave, probably won't change, and this is going to drive you nuts and your happiness is not worth that. Or your child.
Vent away here. This is an
Vent away here.
This is an incredibly difficult situation for all of you. I can't imagine what you are going through and can't imagine what this boy is going through either.
You certainly are not obligated to love or like this kid. However, treat him with kindness. Even if you don't like him, it can help to remind yourself that he is a fellow human being who has been through a lot.
Are you seeing a counselor? It might be worthwhile to consider doing that. Like you said, raising another woman's child is hard. I know, I'm doing it too. Seeing a counselor helps me to find healthy ways to cope with that and work through that (among other things) so I can make it through. My SDs are good kids. I actually am lucky that we all get along well. But a lot of that is because I went/continue to go to counseling so I don't wind up going berserk on someone, especially on the kids, because let's face it, they didn't ask to be in this situation any more than we did.
I hope DH has kept SS in counseling. If he hasn't, maybe he should get SS back into that.
I also agree with what the OP said about date night- I think that's important. It's important that DH carve out one on one time for each of you- SS, you and DD.
I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers- especially that little boy. My heart aches for him.
I plan to see a counselor,
I plan to see a counselor, and my SS is. I just wish it was all over and I could move on. Love sucks.
Oh, Queeny. I'm so sorry you
Oh, Queeny. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
And while we might not be able to directly and equivocally relate, you are not alone.
You love your husband, and though he aggravates you to the core, I'm sure you love your SS. But right now, do you love yourself? If everything is focused on SS, what are you doing for yourself? You know the old saying, "If Momma ain't happy?"... Run with that. Take time, and love yourself.
I'm so sorry that your family has fallen on hard times. I hope it turns around.
I did go see a movie tonight
I did go see a movie tonight with a dear friend who is also raising a ss. Just getting lost in the movie helped SOO much! And I actually opened up to my friend. She shared she also struggles in coping with her ss.
But I think you are right, Not Happening. Taking time to love me is something I have not done well. I think this next week I will focus on finding counseling and something fun just for me.