I want my SKids to go away!!!!!
I am new at this but I am so glad I found this website. I am going crazy, and ready to pull my hair out. I have been married for 9 months and my husband and I have been together for almost 3 years. I have 3 daughters and 2 SD and 1 SS. My kids live with me all of the time, and my SK live with us every other week. My husband and I both have residential custody. When I met my husband he had his kids all of the time and the BM had them every other weekend. My husbands x-wife never paid child support but always wanted things her way. About a year after we met I told my husband he should make their mother pay child support. She refused and he would not stand up to her so I told him that they would have to stay with her everyother week instead of child support, she agreed to that. My husband has residential custody still. But everything she wants she gets. She is crazy, she calls at all hours of the day, not thinking of our schedule, she refuses to bring them to us when it is her visitation. I have had to bite my toungue about her so much. At first things were going well with all of the kids, and my relationship with my SK was good. But when my husband and I got married my life has turned to pure hell. My SK don't listen to me they are very withdrawln when they are with us, they don't speak to me. And my husband doesn't do anything about it, he totally changes from week to week. It is like I live two separate lives. My SK have made it clear that they are unhappy when they are here, my kids try to talk to them and they ignore one of my daughters especially, she is a difficult child but can be kind hearted. I have really worked with my children, and they respect my husband and follow his rules. My sk don't listen to me or respect me. And my husband says he doesn't see it, he says he has talked to them and they like me, which I find very hard to believe. My ss doesn't talk to me at all, he is very babied, especially by BM. His dad has to tell him how to talk to me when he needs something from me. My SD told my daughter this summer that she wishes she would stab herself and die. My daughter was devistated and already has issues about wanting to hurt herself (she is 7) and was molested when she was 3, my daughter is in wkly counseling sessions and take meds for depression. My sd lied to family and her BM. I encouraged and then later forced my husband to put her in counseling. My daughter then stayed with her dad for almost a month because she was so uncomfortable at home when sd was here. And when we finally got the two together my daughter appologized to my sd if she had hurt her in anyway. My sd had to be forced to appologize. If we have family meetings to address the problems in our house I end up being the one who deals with it. I feel so alone, my husband is so passive and his kids are so hateful. I hate being in this house when they are here. I really regret getting married, but I love my husband so much. But I hate to say it, I hate my SK and I wish they would go live with there BM. And just come visit us. I feel so horrible for feeling this way. Any advice???????????????? I know this is long and jubbled but I as so stressed!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help me!!!
You sound so stressed
I have been where you are and still struggle with some of those feelings with my skids. I found this article today and it was enlightening, be sure to read the "disengage essay" it was great. Welcome, hope this helps.
http://www.geocities.com/stepfamilyhelppagenewsletter/memoirs.html
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
Amazing website thankyou!
Disengaging is so empowering!I have hope.Thankyou!
Thanks for the article Evil
It was good and sounded realistic, not like they do sometimes! I am going to try the disengage thing - my SD is back in the picture, which is great, but there was no resolution of the issues, which is not great. I was so caught up in battle with BM, I forgot the frustrations involved with SD!
Awogoman, I will try it if you will?! BTW, Welcome, we are glad you are here!!
Most Evil
Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats
I will try this, it is an awesome article!!!!!
I really enjoyed the article, and I must admit after reading it I sat down and wrote a letter to my DH. I am truely hoping I can stick with it. I am not a very patient person and I have been living with these problems for 5 months now and I feel like something has got to give. And I am really resenting my DH. And having very little to do with my SK, I avoid them at all cost right now.
I am so glad I found this website!!!! It is nice to find others out there that are going through similar situations and vent and get good advice.
Let me know how it goes for you and I will do the same.
Glad to be here!!!
Give Bm More Time
I think the only way for peace is to tell DH that they must go with bm the majority of the time. For your sake and your childrens, otherwise your marriage has little chance of survival. Some/most families do not blend and the blended family is a myth. Now you only have reality, and dh will have to do something. Meanwhile start disengageing from the sc.
I'm trying a new approach,whatta ya think?
Instead of I'm on vacation at dads' house every weekend I am makin a list.We Need To get Some Stuff Done Before The Holidays List.Not quite so cushy around here.Not going to lay around eating ,sleeping and making a mess this weekend!
The list is getting bigger !
I am almost looking foreward to BM dumping the kids (13 and 15 )off for the Thanksgiving holiday.It will be the last holiday dump I promise.While he is at work,they will be making up for a years worth of everyweekends mess making and the alarm clock will be going off at 9am!
Stand your ground!!!!
I think that your SK are old enough to help clean the messes that they make while they are at your home, you should not be their maid or feel like their maid. And I really don't see how it is fair that you have the kids for the holiday if your DH will be working, or does the BM expect you to have "quality time with them" aka what I call "crappy time with them". My SK are supposed to do chores the weeks that they are with us and the weeks that they are with their BM my kids do the chores but the last couple of months the chores have been left for my kids to do. My SK can act however they want and my DH doesn't seem to notice.They tell my kids they(SK) want to live with there mom, they hate it here, but deny it if are approached about it, their crappy attitudes have made my children and myself very uncomfortable and unwanted. After reading the article, I wrote my husband a letter and then discussed it with him. In the letter I told him that I would no longer discipline his children, pick up after them, do their laundry, nor would I watch them if he had to work. And if they could not treat me decent then just leave me alone. At this rate all I get is a "hi" from them (which I feel my DH forces them to do) and nothing else and we have them 2 weeks a month. We have 6 kids together and we both work, I don't feel it is fair to take up their lack of doing things. He was very put out that I refused to keep them while he was at work ( I work for school district and have more time off then him). But I don't feel it is fair to have to deal with them when they do not listen to me or speak to me unless they are forced to. I do not have him watch my kids, if I need someone I find someone. I told him that he need to work it out with their BM, and he shouldn't have to worry about it, if he made her stick to the agreement that she would take care of the kids until he got off work since we drive them 15 miles one way to school everyday that we have them. I reminded him that they are his children and that he needed to deal with problems that aries. We have my SK for the holiday since their BM decided to change the arangements last year, he did not discuss it with me and did not make her keep to the agreement. He lets her do whatever she wants to, and does not stand up to her unless I force him to. It has made me an emotional roller coaster. But removing myself from "parental dealings" with my SK has taken a tremendous weight off of my shoulders. And it puts the ball in my DH court. I am hoping that this will help my relationship with my DH and my SK.
Good luck with the holiday, and let me know if it works.
I want to live, laugh and love again.
Good for you Stepmommyevil!
A great move for you. If you stick to your guns I think your Dh will see the light. If I may make one more suggestion to you I would say to remove yourself from the BM stuff too, only puts you in a bad position again. I know my DH hates the ex but he gets a little defensive if I criticize his dealings with her or try to force him to stand up to her and then I get offended. Too much drama I say, let him handle it and deal with the consequences. Good luck to you I think you are on the right path.
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
BM is his problem, I will just sit by and observe.
I am leaving that one up to him too! I am not sure if this will work, I think for sure it is going to take a long time. My DH is so afraid of hurting his kids, but he doesn't totally see that his kids are hurting already, that sometimes I think he thinks all of this pain that we are going through is worth it to have the SK every other week. I think he sees that they are unhappy with this arangement but is unwilling to change it because he wants them here. But through all of this I have remained calm, even co-workers notice more of a peace about me. Hopefully with some perserverance, this will bring us closer together. But for now I live one week close to my husband, we laugh and joke and life feels good. The next week things are totally different, tense and uncomfortable.
I want to live, laugh and love again.
THE DECREE SAYS EVERT OTHER WEEKEND AND HOLIDAY!!!
I can tolerate and afford that!I can mega clean my house after they leave every other other week.How can I discourage more than that.Despirate for ideas.The BM wants to dump them as much as she can as she has boyfriends and a carefree lifestyle.They are 13 and 15!HHHEEEELLLLLPPPP!!!!
Resistance
I am telling DH about my new rules for SD visit where I do not keep her when he has to work (every weekend day). She is a teen but we don't want to leave her unsupervised too long, that seems to cause problems. She is good but the point is I do not want to entertain her, giving up my money, time, effort, chores, etc., then get blown off, like you said. So only invite her when you can spend 100% of the time with her, in person! even if she has to go to work with him, which she could.
So far it is going over like a brick with DH. I know he enjoys thinking us little women are staying home bonding, knitting or something and waiting for him, and I have too, pre-WW III. That's right, like they all remind me, she is not my child, ha ha! Please let us know how things progress!
Most Evil
Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats