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My "Master" Plan

rollercoasterirder's picture

I have been married to my DH for 8.5 years. I adore him and love him. However, he has 3 sons who live with us for 80% of the time SS12, SS13, SS17 and my BD17 also lives with us. For the first 6 years I have always been 100% supportive of him and his kids' needs, desire. He use to make about 15K more for the 1st 3 years of our relationship. Then the poor guy lost his job in 2008, now his salary is half of what he use to make so I now make about 25K more than he does (and I have 1 child) (He has 3).
So for years we still bought everyone everything we could, whether they were getting good grades or not, etc. Throughout all of this, I've had to endure abusive behavior from the Skids and the BM. This last December DH sent the oldest boy to live with BM on account of not behaving and always saying then send me to my mom whenever he got in trouble. Of course he blamed everything on me, that his dad picked me over him, never taking any responsibility for smoking weed, getting bad grades, crashing our family car when we were out of town (his granmother was in charge), and so on and son on. He also has this list of all of the things I buy my daughter and I don't buy him and his brothers. I'm finally sick of it. DH is in the state where SS17 is living with him for his soccer finals. When he comes back I have no doubt that he will say that SS17 wants to come home. This is my plan. I have outlined all of the bills to maintain our home, divided it in half, added all of the bills that pertain to his three sons, what pertains to my daughter. Guess what according to the calculations He is negative $700 (this includes CS from the loser BM, which is $300 a month, she cries about this ALL OF THE TIME!!) a month and I have $700 free money. So my plan is that IF he doesn't have any money to buy things for his kids, etc., tough shit. They are now going to deal with this as they are used to having everything they ask for (at least 80%). What do you think?

LRP75's picture

HELL YEAH!!!! I TOTALLY SUPPORT YOUR PLAN!!!

It makes PERFECT sense!!!!!

He can spend whatever money he has remaining, AFTER covering his portion of the household bills. Up to and including buying his children whatever it is that they want.

I would then spend my remainder on anything I wanted. ESPECIALLY on MY child. If one of the skids had the nerve to complain about it. I'd say, "ask you father. We split our bills now. I'm not responsible for buying you anything. He is."

And that would be the ONLY thing I would say!!

GOOD LUCK and stick to your guns! You've got a GREAT PLAN!

Tonlife's picture

I hear ya and do not blame you. I make significantly more than my DH and his and SDs' lives are much improved materialisticly than me any my DS. You do feel taken for granted. I have not had the attitude about it YET that you are dealing with.

giveitago's picture

I think that they need that learning curve. Daddy is not the hero here at all, you are! Make the little mphukkas understand that money does NOT grow on trees and has to be earned.
I really like your plan...stick to your guns girl and let them ALL know they are 'on your ride' now.

luckykitten's picture

I wish I had your guts. Every last dollar I make is spent on running the house, dh, and sd. There literally is nothing left for me. I work 3 part time jobs so I can finish my degree. My dh pays 1 bill, then spends the rest on himself. It leads to many arguments, but nothing changes.

If I get something new it's usually because I save my pocket change until enough is there for what I want. It takes a lot of money to feed and clothe a child.... Holidays.. well, I usually buy the toys on clearance and save em for the special day.

I look forward to the day I complete my two degrees and hopefully can have it a bit easier.

Congrats on standing up for yourself.

LRP75's picture

Why are you spending all of your money on them and none on yourself? Why do you do that to yourself?

luckykitten's picture

Selfish yes. But I have no one to blame but myself in this situation. I am not stupid, I know he has the easy street and that I'm getting taken advantage of.

He holds a double standard for me. He hates the fact I let myself get walked on, yet does the same himself. I've called him a hypocrite more than once.
My entire life has been spent giving everything to everyone else. As a child I raised my cousins, siblings, and at time a parent. Soon as I started working I started paying bills for my parents. To this day I still am in the role of caretaker for my family... For me it was natural to bring it into my married family. I'm still young, only nearing thirty... So I have a lot of experience yet to gain in getting a voice.

It is a problem within myself. The need to give everything I have, and take nothing for myself. I allow this to happen, therefore it is the same as giving permission to these people. My motto always was, if someone is willing to hurt me to gain something, they must need it more than I. I've been cheated, lied to, stolen from, and hurt by most everyone. Yet I know at the end of the day, it's a problem that stems from within. So until I fix myself, I can't effectively demand more from those around me. Hence why my problem leads to arguments, but no resolution as of yet.

In my dh defense. I don't doubt his love for me. The dynamics may not be correct, but I don't doubt he would lay his life down for mine. He truly is my best friend.

I'm trying to seek help for my self esteem issues so that perhaps one day I may stand strong to the many who use me. And like the op, make a plan and stick to my guns!

liks's picture

I think your plan is good.....but I worry it may back fire.....so I was wondering if you could word the announcement differently....

Im thinking that the 300 bucks he receives off the BM could be deposited into a credit card and that credit card used solely for 'crap' his sons need....that doesnt mean that he blows 300 bucks every month on them.....it does mean however, that if he budgets it well, he can use wots left over to take you to a nice restaurant, or maybe save it up for a couple of months and go on a little cruise somewhere....???

split the bills,
and the shopping

the rest is yours!!!!

get your self a small savings a/c and watch the coin grow