You are here

I resent my stepson, his mother, and now my husband. I don't know what to do.

TX_Mom's picture

My husband and I have a 13 month old son. He has a 4 year old son who lives in Ohio. His other son's mother was a one night stand, who intentionally hid the pregnancy and subsequent birth from my husband until the child was 2. Things were amicable between them at first, until my husband and I started dating and got married/had our son. My husband had known about his son for about 6 months when we started dating. At that time, my stepsons BM only asked for $250 a month in child support, because she comes from a very wealthy family and is herself well off by default. Soon after my husband and I found out we were expecting our second child, she blindsided him with a lawsuit for more child support - $700 a month to be exact. PLUS back child support she claims she is owed. My husband faithfully pays what they had agreed on every month. BM is very jealous of me and our family. My husband is in the military and does his best to see his son when he is not deployed (which is often due to his career field) and when he is able to take leave. BM makes it as difficult as possible to let him see the kid. My stepson is terribly behaved and spoiled rotten. I tolerate him when he visits but i do not love him. My husband refuses to discipline him out of guilt. I am so stressed and angry and resentful now with the child support lawsuit. We cannot afford a lawyer so my husband is studying on family law to represent himself. Of course, BM is rich and her and her family can afford the best attorneys money can buy. I don't know what to do. I understand he has an obligation to support his son from this other "relationship" (one night stand), but our family is going to suffer immensely. And all because of BM jealousy. She and her son already live in a gorgeous house, travel out of the country on vacation all the time, he goes to private school and has the best of everything. She does not "need" $700 a month, she is doing this only out of spite and jealousy. I am so resentful of the whole situation. I am resentful that our family is going to go in to debt, be on state assistance, that my children will never have the opportunities and things that will be afforded to my stepson. I dread him coming to visit now. I understand that logically its not his fault, but all I see when I look at that spoiled, mean little kid is all the things taken away from my children so he can live an EVEN MORE privileged and oppulent life. BM does not work. She makes no attempt to work. She is allegedly going to school full time, which is good for her, but I sacrifice for my child and unborn child (and now even more for her son since my husband is about to have to pay almost 3x as much child support) so I don't understand why she feels like she doesnt need too. Everyone is sacrificing but her. Why can't she go to school part time and get a job? Oh, because she doesnt need to. Because she is rich already. I resent my husband now too, because even after all this he is planning extensive trips up to Ohio even though we will be so tight on money, to leave me and my child here, to visit him. He is planning these extravagant visits for his son to come down here. I'm so angry and sad, and resentful. I hate myself for feeling this way but I can't stop it. He is going to take even more from my children to give to that kid, even after this $700 a month child support order is put in place AND the $20,000 back child support (the difference between the $250 a month he had been paying for the past 2.5 years and the $700 he is ordered to pay now). She might even get back child support from the kids first 2 years of life even though she hid the kid from my husband during that time. She is an ugly and vile human being, has said the ugliest things about me and my son to anyone who will listen, even though I tried so hard in the beginning to be nice and loving to her and her son. I just can't do it anymore. I feel like a terrible person but I resent my stepson's existence because of the strain it is putting on my family and the hardships it is putting on my children. He has more than enough, she has more than enough, she is just hateful and ugly and jealous.

TX_Mom's picture

We have consulted with5 different attorneys and their retainer fee alone is at minimum, $2000 for this case. So far we have not been able to find anyone who will work out payment plans. We live in Texas, which is notorious for being extremely tough when it comes to child support. The attorneys we consulted with said that it is a very good possibility that we will owe the back child support. We applied for legal aid but the waiting list is so long there is no way we will find someone to represent us by the time our court date in June comes around. I wouldn't be so worried if we hadn't already had legal consultations.

TX_Mom's picture

We do, we applied for legal aid also through the University, but that waiting list is even longer. I don't know how to get the money. My husband is so naive in some of his thought process about this, that he believes he can successfully represent himself in this matter. I'm worried even more because of the unlimited resources BM has to excellent legal counsel. I tried stressing to my husband how important it is that we have an attorney but he turns around and says I have no faith in him. Am I crazy for thinking that we will probably get screwed if we don't have an attorney? I think it is complicated even more because she is asking for his military housing allowance to be counted as part of his income too. I resent all of this - I know I shouldn't and so on top of the resentment I feel so guilty for even having these feelings. I am pregnant and trying to take care of my 13 month old son as well. I feel like I'm really alone in all of this. My husband and his family are always thinking of the best interest of my stepson, and my son, and my unborn child, but I feel so alone in being the only one thinking about the best interest of my (soon to be) 2 kids. I understand that they have a vested interest in my stepson for obvious reasons, but he is not my child and I don't consider his best interest as equal to my own two children. Just resentment, guilt, more resentment - then throw in some lovely pregnancy hormones into the mix. Will this ever get better or should I just stop hoping my feelings will change and start trying to accept this is how it will be forever? Is it normal to feel resentful of a stepchild and hate his mother? I'm starting to feel crazy.

TX_Mom's picture

we are going to call Military One Source tomorrow and see if they can help us in obtaining affordable legal assistance. Fingers crossed.

Great Mom but horrified Stepmom's picture

^^^ Yup!

oneoffour's picture

Often this is the FIRST thing your attorney will ask. Tell her that when there is a paternity test completed and DH is determined to be the father THEN you start negotiating.

YellowBelly's picture

I don't have much advice, all I can say is I relate. I am feeling major resentment towards my DH, BM and SS8.
I wish BM and SD8 didn't exist! Then, my DH and I would have a superb relationship. The only thing we fight about is his daughter and the BM.

herewegoagain's picture

OK, you need to find the laws in your state or whatever state this is in and start doing your own research. You need to be prepared. I very highly doubt that if he had been paying her anything and she had not gone through CS before, that the courts will make him pay back child support because there was never an order. I also doubt that it will be raised retroactively.

Now, as far as your DH spending all this extra money, sorry, you need to put your foot down. You need to now figure this out.
OK, you spend 700USD a month on your ONE child.

If you don't put a stop to it now, it will NEVER get better.

If he sends 700USD to the other kid, just HIMSELF, then he also needs to give YOU 700USD for each of HIS kids living with you.
Simple as that. If he screams or says that is way too much, blah, blah, blah...fine, then you let him know you agree and that he
cannot spend ANY extra money to see this other kid. Too bad. If he wants to see the other kid, then he MUST also spend the same
amount of 700USD on each of his kids living with you. If you don't put a stop to it now, it will onily get worse.

herewegoagain's picture

Oh my, I am sorry. I am reading TX crap and yes, I HATE that shitty OAG they have...and it does seem they could make him pay. Sorry, these aholes in Texas CS are just the most evil people I have ever met...We are done with them and I still can't stand them...

Honey, I am so sorry...you need to start looking everywhere for someone to defend him over this. Read the laws, find case laws, etc. blogs from lawyers on ways to avoid this crap. These BMs, sorry to any here who are not, but THE MAJORITY of the ones I have met are truly the scum of the earth.

And if your DH DARES spend an extra dime on that kid over his OTHER TWO BIO kids, then I'd dump his ass!

Ashalala's picture

^^^THIS^^^ I'm not up with the laws in the US but holy hell if your SO starts shelling out more $$ over and above CS to facilitate time with skid that takes away from other bios..... RUN!!! Seems crazy they would pursue back support when BM kept the skid a secret in the first place how could your DH have even known?? Here in Aus the other parent's income and assets affect the CS amount owed to the custodial parent. So if the father has a new family with bio's in that unit then they will take into consideration the fact that he earns x amount of dollars but he needs y amount to support his new family also, so the income amount they will use to assess for CS is less than a man who earns the same amount but has no other children to take care of... is it the same in the states??

Also we are able to make "private" arrangements that are legal in court such as CS might say you pay custodial parent $450 per month but if you're on good terms you can make an arrangement such as just pay $200 per month but can you pay one half of travel etc etc... Did your DH have the original agreement for the $250 in writing?? Does he have bank records that prove this is his historic amount?? Shit you know you guys need a lawyer like yesterday.... big love.

hippiegirl's picture

Is your DH even sure it's his kid? Please tell me he hasn't just been handing that b!tch money without having paternity established first? If he takes this woman at her word, he is a moron!