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moving to accommodate 50/50

lily rod82's picture

Hello everyone. I'm new to this but I need some insight/advice. I'm engaged to a wonderful man who loves me and my boys as if they were his. He has 2 wonderful daughters, one of which he has 50/50 (week on week off) custody. She is now 4 years old and should be starting pre k in august. Her mother, who has moved about 5 times during the course of our 2 year relarionship, currently lives in another town about 50 min away from where we currently reside. He has decided that we need to move to the same school zone to accommodate his 50/50 custody. My problem is that I have always tried to keep my boys as stable as possible. Note that one of my boys is almost 15 which would mean a whole new high school and neighborhood. I'm afraid that this won't be good for us. My parents are a great support system with the kids when we need them. They wont be able to help us out with watching the kids as they do now which means one of us would have to leave work early to pick up the kids. His ex wife is a total nutcase and constantly neglects her daughter. The courts do not grant him full custody despite the constant proof of neglect. I don't want to move every time she moves just to be closer. I don't think it's fair to my boys and I'm losing my mind. Please advise and if there are any questions I'd have happy to answer them since it's a lot of info to type out here.

lily rod82's picture

You're right. I have stated very clearly that I was not following her all around the state of Florida. And I do love him with all my heart. I would never make him choose cause I really admire all that he does for his girls especially cause both of my boys' father's are dead beats. But I can't help but wonder that if this doesn't work out I'm left with nothing.

Calypso1977's picture

i would not make this move.
luckily you are not yet married so this gives you much more freedom and flexibility to make some decisions.

Sweet T's picture

I would put my children's best interests first and not move. My husband's ex wife has been engaged for many years to a guy who lives an 1 1/2 drive from her house. She is waiting to marry him after my SS's graduate as to not disrupt their lives. That is one of the things that I really respect her for. She put their needs before hers.

I don't agree with everything she does, nor do I agree with everything my husband does... and hey I am probably not getting parent of the year myself.

lily rod82's picture

But how do I come about saying that I'm not doing this without sounding selfish. I know I have to protect my boys but he's the closest thing to a father that they have ever had. And I do care about my step daughter and it's sad that her mother doesn't help with anything. She just makes everything worse. Ughhh!!!

askYOURdad's picture

I think you just lay out the facts.

BM has moved several times, I am very worried that she doesn't value stability and we will be moving again shortly after.

My bio has been in the same school and is thriving (hopefully that's the case) good grades/friends/sports-clubs etc., I don't think it's fair to move him when SD hasn't even established school/friends etc. Why can't BM move closer this way?

Point out a few occasions where you have been in a bind and your parent's have helped.

I would offer a compromise- that you agree to move when your bio finishes school. Chances are, it will be worked out well before then anyway.

Disneyfan's picture

You have to put your boys first. If he doesn't understand that, he's the selfish one not you.

Have you thought about living apart until your boys graduate?

Orange County Ca's picture

No. Kids in high school, any school for that matter, do better by staying.

His kid is just starting - it doesn't matter where she schools. She can school near where you're living now just a easy as where Mama lives. You stay put and let the girls parents work it out.

Now that school is starting for the kid its the perfect opportunity for Daddy to go back to court and request custody. The kid can school near one home and have the stability of a home instead of living out of a suitcase and with a unstable mother.

Time for him to throw all of that on the table. Don't tell him but the courts lean heavily towards not taking custody away from the mother - short of being a criminal or severe neglect. It's possible Mama could end up with full custody. But as I said let them work it out.

Merry's picture

How is disrupting schools for two to accommodate school for one "fair"? There is no way I would do that. DH and I married and lived apart for a year so we could get our last through high school. You don't need to live together if he insists on living in his daughter's school district.

I think he's being stupid and selfish, given the number of times his ex moves, but that doesn't mean you disrupt what is working for you and your kids. This is such a vulnerable time in their lives, I would not send them the message that their school is less important than a 6-year-old's.

Don't you even THINK about how selfish this might make you appear. You are not. AT ALL. You are being sane.

Not the Brady Bunch's picture

You better be selfish when it comes to your kids…selfish, protective and downright, full-out, enraged Grizzly mama. your partner needs to stop ass kissing his ex and trot around after her every little whim. He chose their mama, and now he has to deal with HER poor choices. Bio moms usually "win" which means his kids "lose." It sucks for his kids and it does not good for society, but I have learned that by trying to save the skids, you only might jeopardize the emotional and physical safety of your own bio children along the way. Luckily, mine survived relatively unscathed and are thriving. Check some threads on disengaging..that is your and your kids saving grace.

ctnmom's picture

I know I'm old fashioned, but I put my kids first. If you raise them right, they're out at 18, and then you can eff up your own life anyway you want. But for now, your kids should come first. P.s. - he doesn't care about your kids if he's willing to have you move a 15 year old on a whim. She'll (BM) just move again in six months!

lily rod82's picture

Yes you are all right. Maybe I need to really stop trying to spare others' feelings and worry about me and my boys. His rebutted is always that I knew his responsibilities when we first got together. Yes but he also knew mine. And when we started dating BM lived 30 min away.

lily rod82's picture

New info... court papers say that for school the mothers address shall be used, however SD is only 4 years old and in the state of Florida she would be enrolled in the head start program which is not based on your address (it's like a daycare thing where they can be assigned to a location of your choice.)

bi's picture

it is not fair to your bs15 to have move from where he is already established. especially if this woman is likely going to move again. I wouldn't do it. I would tell SO that you understand his dedication to his daughters, and you hope he understands your dedication to your sons. I would tell him if he feels it's best to move, you understand that, but he will going alone, because you feel it's best for your sons to stay put. and then do just that. do not give his ex the power to decide where and when you will be living. your kids come first.

Bio-Step-Mom's picture

Your kids are NOT secondary. We faced this issue of moving and I told him there was no way I was uprooting my kids who have been in the same district since kindergarten. That he could go move near his kids of that's what he needed to do.

Not that I wouldn't WANT him closer to them but not at the expense of my children.

I see so many stepmom a bending themselves into pretzels trying to accommodate the "betterment" of the stepkids. It's one thing when its just you. But if you have kids of your own?? No way!

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

He can move where ever he wants or needs to. You need to stay put for your kids. Do not move them, that is not fair to them.