If you want to let it happen naturally, let it happen naturally, although it might not work out how you hope.
I met BM when she accompanied a family member to DH's house to drop something off. Neither DH nor I had any idea she was coming along, and we're quite sure the only reason she came was because she wanted to check me out. I was sitting at the table in my PJs having breakfast - not the way I planned on meeting BM for the first time. In retrospect, it wasn't a big deal, but it's possible that if you don't have a planned meeting with her, she'll come up with some other way to run into you.
Reread those comments. You DO NOT have to meet her. Not to topic steal but I walked into that trap before
When me and SO got serious he brought OSD 4 at the time to our apartment. Went to the park , ate lunch , I was dad's friend as that was the easiest way to go about it.
Welp she goes home to her mum and will not stop talking about me. Apparently BM pressured FDH ( at the time ) that she HAD to meet me
We had to go to their home. She was overly nice which I know now was a front. Went out with her sister and then BROUGHT HER SISTER back to view me like a zoo animal
I recently went through DHs phone and found her texts to him from later that night. Not proud. Owned up to it. But basically she berated DH about my age even though DH politely deflected until she decided to basically call him a pedophile ( I was 25 , I think this was just jealousy on her end ) he abruptly ended the conversation
Anywho. Don't do it. There is no need
If you do decide to - do so at a restaurant, park etc with SS on hand. Also make sure you are glowing and positive.
You don't need to plan a special meeting. Sooner or later, it will happen naturally. When it does, keep it brief. DH introduces you, you say hello and make some small talk and then move on.
No, you don't have to meet her, or respond to her requests to do so, so she can "check you out". You are not a secondhand car. I have maybe met NPD BM maybe 3 or 4 times in 17 yrs and that was too much.
BTW, it's nice to respond and acknowledge when members take the time to post on your issues, as Lady Tremaine said, read your earlier replies on the other post.
No need to meet, it will happen naturally. It's more important that neither you nor your DH give in to ridiculous demands from BM because if you do, a pattern will be set for her to interfere in your life.
Just meet her naturally at an event. I never get these BMs who think they have a right to meet everyone who will be around their child. They need to get over themselves. You got a divorce, so you don’t get to tell your ex what he can do or who he can see anymore.
It is not a must to meet the child's mother. Letting it just happen at an event is fine, and even then, you don't have to sit with her or be best buds. Just an informal introduction and move on.
I agree that meeting at an event is perfectly fine and the best case scenario. I don't think you should avoid BM, especially if the relationship is somewhat amicable at this point between her and your SO. But I wouldn't go out of my way to make a big deal out of meeting her. The best way to treat non HCBM's in my opinion is to be polite, short winded and not show them that you give them any headspace. School events, games and practices, short pickups and drop offs with short pleasantries and a quick rundown of when the kids last ate and if homework is completed is about the extent of it and just enough to keep the wheels on and keep her at arms length.
The mom is completely insignificant to you. Not only do you NOT have to meet her, but you also don't ever need to speak one single word to her....EVER...unless you want to on YOUR terms. These BM's that think they have to meet the SM's are on a power trip.....they can get over themselves.
upgrade! We are all "the upgrades." Always remember that. "X" (ex) marks the spot, just like a dog. Think of that both figuratively, and literally.
If something makes you uncomfortable, then do not do it. Take it from me. I'll share a bit of where and what I've had to endure at the expense of these people. Think of yourself, because heaven knows these men & SKs are mostly worried about their comfort level, not yours. You have to look out for yourself.
My DH tried having the ex at family functions because his adult kids wanted that. It got worse and worse. She was nasty, condescending, mouthy, always reminiscing about their lives together with me. Saying things to me like, "When you're a FAMILY, YOU CAN DO THAT." Asking if DH still did this and that before bedtime. WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? I told DH about it several times. Once she even took me down memory lane, how they met, lost their virginity etc. She was telling me about her job, and I asked if she knew a coach I had in school. She affirmed that she did, because she had worked with him. I gently put my hand on her knee, smiled, and said, "Oh, that's right BM, you were A TEACHER WHEN I WAS A STUDENT. I ALMOST FORGOT. THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT." Dead silence. At that point, after I told DH what she had done, he decided having her around wasn't appropriate, yet less than a year later, adult SK wanted to have a family party here, including her. Very adult (middle aged) SKs wanted her to stay and DH asked how I felt about it, (hours before it was to happen) and I told him, "No way, I don't like it. Why does she have to come to the home we share and stay here??" (Guest house, but still) He said, "Well, we had an amicable divorce, and she won't be a problem. The kids want her here." I asked, "Then why are you asking me how I feel about it if you've already given the go ahead? They all live in the same town, and can see each other whenever they want. Why does she need to come here??" You know how this ended, she came and stayed with us! Didn't even say "thank you." SK's said, "Dad we're so happy we are all going to be together as a family, finally."WHAT? How delusional is that?? I had prepared quite a bit of food in advance of knowing this, yet, was treated with all the dignity of an inanimate object. He never told her one word, but told his SK instead (after the fact) that it wasn't appropriate for her to be here, so they could "handle it."
My ex is never here at any function. But then again, when my ex has interacted with DH (at weddings etc) he is respectful to my DH, referring to him as "sir" etc. I would never dream of asking if my ex could stay with us, or ask DH to endure that kind of crap, but as mentioned, that's not his style.
Finally, after years of enduring her because it made DH and adult SK's happy, I said, "This is where I get off, no more!" She doesn't come around, we don't do anything where she is going to be present. After SD's blow up and horrible behavior, that has humiliated both DH and I, we have not gotten together with her either. Apple and tree here, BM/SD.
It is sad that a spouse has to deal with this kind of crap at all. It should be brutally obvious that there is no place for an X in the marriage. The place of prior relationship children shoudl be dependent on reasonable behavior. Which should also be brutally obvious.
Thank you guys for sharing your experience. Last night my significant other received a text stating that I could no longer be nowhere around his son because of his safety. ( I’ve never been left alone with him). My significant other said that it was stupid and is having my back trough this. Yet everyone is saying I’m causing a bigger problem by not wanting to meet her. ( mother in law and father in law, my sister my mom) they don’t see it as a big deal. I told them tried to explain how I felt about the situation and they all said to just shut up and meet her prettty much. I wish I had more support from my own family but I guess it’s whatever. It has openers my eyes to how my partner is going to respond to these type of things and I don’t see it as being a problem I just know we will be going to court before things settle down. She stated I’m not allowed at any holiday event where her son is. I told my mother and father in law that if they side with her I would respect their decision but I was not going to force my spot into the relationship. Significant other has stated that if I’m not allowed then he will not be attending either because I always make the occasion better for him. I guess we will see how everything rolls out in court. I have asked them if it’s really necessary to go to court to have the judge write and order to do so. Once that is done we can meet.
SO's X gets no say and if SO does not start putting his foot up her ass when she oversteps it will never get better. You do not cater to SO's X and neither should he.
Tolerating this is enabling it to continued.
Put your foot down, keep SO focused and tell him to show you that he can and will keep his X in her place firmly. If not... do not remain in this relationship as it will be a her, him and you relationship... in that order.
BM tried this when we first met, saying that I couldn't be around the children or holiday with them. Both her solicitor and OH's solicitor said she didn't have a leg to stand on so we just ignored it, carried on regardless and switched all phones off so that we didn't have to deal with her tantrums.
This is just the beginning of her controlling nonsense. It's not about the safety of the kid, you could be a raging maniac, one meeting is not going to tell her that, this is just a ploy to see how high you and your BF will jump. Once she sees that she holds the cards (if you were to give in), it will NEVER end.
It's not the actual meeting that is now the issue, it's the principle, and the message it would send to her going forward (that she makes the rules).
People outside of the situation have no idea what is really going on and what this is really about. Sure, to them it's no big deal, just meet the bitch. But, it is a big deal because it's not about meeting you. It's about control, manipulation, and gameplay.
DH does not have your back. He is still doing what the EX wants. This is a road to big trouble. DH should get a CO for his visitation schedule. So he and you don’t have to play games. Seeing BM is not going to do anything, she not going to like you, it’s not going to change anything. Except giving her control.
If you want to let it happen
If you want to let it happen naturally, let it happen naturally, although it might not work out how you hope.
I met BM when she accompanied a family member to DH's house to drop something off. Neither DH nor I had any idea she was coming along, and we're quite sure the only reason she came was because she wanted to check me out. I was sitting at the table in my PJs having breakfast - not the way I planned on meeting BM for the first time. In retrospect, it wasn't a big deal, but it's possible that if you don't have a planned meeting with her, she'll come up with some other way to run into you.
You didn't reply to your last topic
And on said topic you got great advice.
Reread those comments. You DO NOT have to meet her. Not to topic steal but I walked into that trap before
When me and SO got serious he brought OSD 4 at the time to our apartment. Went to the park , ate lunch , I was dad's friend as that was the easiest way to go about it.
Welp she goes home to her mum and will not stop talking about me. Apparently BM pressured FDH ( at the time ) that she HAD to meet me
We had to go to their home. She was overly nice which I know now was a front. Went out with her sister and then BROUGHT HER SISTER back to view me like a zoo animal
I recently went through DHs phone and found her texts to him from later that night. Not proud. Owned up to it. But basically she berated DH about my age even though DH politely deflected until she decided to basically call him a pedophile ( I was 25 , I think this was just jealousy on her end ) he abruptly ended the conversation
Anywho. Don't do it. There is no need
If you do decide to - do so at a restaurant, park etc with SS on hand. Also make sure you are glowing and positive.
You don't need to plan a special meeting
You don't need to plan a special meeting. Sooner or later, it will happen naturally. When it does, keep it brief. DH introduces you, you say hello and make some small talk and then move on.
Welcome to the site!
No, you don't have to meet her, or respond to her requests to do so, so she can "check you out". You are not a secondhand car. I have maybe met NPD BM maybe 3 or 4 times in 17 yrs and that was too much.
BTW, it's nice to respond and acknowledge when members take the time to post on your issues, as Lady Tremaine said, read your earlier replies on the other post.
You never need to meet the BM
You never need to meet the BM. Why would you want too and why would it be necessary?
No need to meet, it will
No need to meet, it will happen naturally. It's more important that neither you nor your DH give in to ridiculous demands from BM because if you do, a pattern will be set for her to interfere in your life.
Just meet her naturally at an
Just meet her naturally at an event. I never get these BMs who think they have a right to meet everyone who will be around their child. They need to get over themselves. You got a divorce, so you don’t get to tell your ex what he can do or who he can see anymore.
It is not a must to meet the
It is not a must to meet the child's mother. Letting it just happen at an event is fine, and even then, you don't have to sit with her or be best buds. Just an informal introduction and move on.
I agree that meeting at an
I agree that meeting at an event is perfectly fine and the best case scenario. I don't think you should avoid BM, especially if the relationship is somewhat amicable at this point between her and your SO. But I wouldn't go out of my way to make a big deal out of meeting her. The best way to treat non HCBM's in my opinion is to be polite, short winded and not show them that you give them any headspace. School events, games and practices, short pickups and drop offs with short pleasantries and a quick rundown of when the kids last ate and if homework is completed is about the extent of it and just enough to keep the wheels on and keep her at arms length.
The mom is completely
The mom is completely insignificant to you. Not only do you NOT have to meet her, but you also don't ever need to speak one single word to her....EVER...unless you want to on YOUR terms. These BM's that think they have to meet the SM's are on a power trip.....they can get over themselves.
Nothing Good Will Come From "Meeting" She's The Ex & You're The
upgrade! We are all "the upgrades." Always remember that. "X" (ex) marks the spot, just like a dog. Think of that both figuratively, and literally.
If something makes you uncomfortable, then do not do it. Take it from me. I'll share a bit of where and what I've had to endure at the expense of these people. Think of yourself, because heaven knows these men & SKs are mostly worried about their comfort level, not yours. You have to look out for yourself.
My DH tried having the ex at family functions because his adult kids wanted that. It got worse and worse. She was nasty, condescending, mouthy, always reminiscing about their lives together with me. Saying things to me like, "When you're a FAMILY, YOU CAN DO THAT." Asking if DH still did this and that before bedtime. WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? I told DH about it several times. Once she even took me down memory lane, how they met, lost their virginity etc. She was telling me about her job, and I asked if she knew a coach I had in school. She affirmed that she did, because she had worked with him. I gently put my hand on her knee, smiled, and said, "Oh, that's right BM, you were A TEACHER WHEN I WAS A STUDENT. I ALMOST FORGOT. THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME OF THAT." Dead silence. At that point, after I told DH what she had done, he decided having her around wasn't appropriate, yet less than a year later, adult SK wanted to have a family party here, including her. Very adult (middle aged) SKs wanted her to stay and DH asked how I felt about it, (hours before it was to happen) and I told him, "No way, I don't like it. Why does she have to come to the home we share and stay here??" (Guest house, but still) He said, "Well, we had an amicable divorce, and she won't be a problem. The kids want her here." I asked, "Then why are you asking me how I feel about it if you've already given the go ahead? They all live in the same town, and can see each other whenever they want. Why does she need to come here??" You know how this ended, she came and stayed with us! Didn't even say "thank you." SK's said, "Dad we're so happy we are all going to be together as a family, finally."WHAT? How delusional is that?? I had prepared quite a bit of food in advance of knowing this, yet, was treated with all the dignity of an inanimate object. He never told her one word, but told his SK instead (after the fact) that it wasn't appropriate for her to be here, so they could "handle it."
My ex is never here at any function. But then again, when my ex has interacted with DH (at weddings etc) he is respectful to my DH, referring to him as "sir" etc. I would never dream of asking if my ex could stay with us, or ask DH to endure that kind of crap, but as mentioned, that's not his style.
Finally, after years of enduring her because it made DH and adult SK's happy, I said, "This is where I get off, no more!" She doesn't come around, we don't do anything where she is going to be present. After SD's blow up and horrible behavior, that has humiliated both DH and I, we have not gotten together with her either. Apple and tree here, BM/SD.
Save yourself from this awful mess.
Miss Texas I take my hat off
Miss Texas I take my hat off to you. I would not have BM on the drive, let alone staying in my house.
I Was Taught To Always Wear My Invisible Crown, Even If It Takes
Gorilla Glue to keep it on my head.
Enough was enough though. I had to remind DH she's his EX for a reason.
It is sad that a spouse has
It is sad that a spouse has to deal with this kind of crap at all. It should be brutally obvious that there is no place for an X in the marriage. The place of prior relationship children shoudl be dependent on reasonable behavior. Which should also be brutally obvious.
why did I decided to be a step mom!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you guys for sharing your experience. Last night my significant other received a text stating that I could no longer be nowhere around his son because of his safety. ( I’ve never been left alone with him). My significant other said that it was stupid and is having my back trough this. Yet everyone is saying I’m causing a bigger problem by not wanting to meet her. ( mother in law and father in law, my sister my mom) they don’t see it as a big deal. I told them tried to explain how I felt about the situation and they all said to just shut up and meet her prettty much. I wish I had more support from my own family but I guess it’s whatever. It has openers my eyes to how my partner is going to respond to these type of things and I don’t see it as being a problem I just know we will be going to court before things settle down. She stated I’m not allowed at any holiday event where her son is. I told my mother and father in law that if they side with her I would respect their decision but I was not going to force my spot into the relationship. Significant other has stated that if I’m not allowed then he will not be attending either because I always make the occasion better for him. I guess we will see how everything rolls out in court. I have asked them if it’s really necessary to go to court to have the judge write and order to do so. Once that is done we can meet.
Is there a court order for
Is there a court order for visitation/custody agreement? If so, bm can't withhold because dad has a girlfriend, lol.
If there is not a court ordered agreement, then dad needs to get one.
SO's X gets no say and if SO
SO's X gets no say and if SO does not start putting his foot up her ass when she oversteps it will never get better. You do not cater to SO's X and neither should he.
Tolerating this is enabling it to continued.
Put your foot down, keep SO focused and tell him to show you that he can and will keep his X in her place firmly. If not... do not remain in this relationship as it will be a her, him and you relationship... in that order.
BM tried this when we first
BM tried this when we first met, saying that I couldn't be around the children or holiday with them. Both her solicitor and OH's solicitor said she didn't have a leg to stand on so we just ignored it, carried on regardless and switched all phones off so that we didn't have to deal with her tantrums.
This is just the beginning of
This is just the beginning of her controlling nonsense. It's not about the safety of the kid, you could be a raging maniac, one meeting is not going to tell her that, this is just a ploy to see how high you and your BF will jump. Once she sees that she holds the cards (if you were to give in), it will NEVER end.
It's not the actual meeting that is now the issue, it's the principle, and the message it would send to her going forward (that she makes the rules).
People outside of the situation have no idea what is really going on and what this is really about. Sure, to them it's no big deal, just meet the bitch. But, it is a big deal because it's not about meeting you. It's about control, manipulation, and gameplay.
You have a big problem
DH does not have your back. He is still doing what the EX wants. This is a road to big trouble. DH should get a CO for his visitation schedule. So he and you don’t have to play games. Seeing BM is not going to do anything, she not going to like you, it’s not going to change anything. Except giving her control.
Just say NO to playing with BM