manipulation
I know many of you have manipulative BMs and stepkids, so I'm interested to hear how you deal with the manipulations.
I won't go into detail about BM's many manipulations, but suffice it to say that upon hearing of her behavior multiple counselors have told me she "expresses borderline tendencies" and that when we were dating, after DH stopped pretending that his divorce had been amicable, he described as "she's just really manipulative."
Both of my SSs have their moments of manipulation, but one of them is starting to become his mother and it's driving me mad. Whenever anything happens that he doesn't like, he has a screaming, crying meltdown, where he runs off and hides and calls his mother to come pick him up. He's 11 and about to enter middle school, so his behavior is beyond inappropriate.
When he was staying with us for an extended period over the summer, we told him it was time to go to bed (it was 10:30pm, so it's not as if we were making him go to bed at 7:30pm). First he accused DH of "looking at my tablet" and texted his mother and stepfather about how to change the password because his father was looking at his tablet. His stepfather's response was that he could probably lock out the tablet (not saying to him "I'm sure your dad doesn't care what's on your tablet). After that outburst, DH told him it was definitely time for bed. He cried and screamed for hours. He told my DH that we had too many rules in our house and he didn't want to stay. He texted his mother and stepfather saying how terrible DH was being to him and he wanted to go home. DH went in to talk to him. Then 10 minutes later, I hear loud bangs. He was throwing something on the floor repeatedly. I made DH go back in and talk to him again. He again screamed and cried and said he was able to stay up all night at home and he wanted to go home. DH told him that he needed to get into the habit of going to bed at a normal hour because school will start an hour earlier for him in the fall. On Tuesday, he had a little wobble at bedtime, but it was better. By Wednesday, he was falling asleep at a normal hour, no problem.
Now, whenever he comes to our house, he says "I have anxiety like my mom, so I can't go to sleep." He says this right after his head hits the pillow. Then he calls his mom and tells her (according to her) that he doesn't feel comfortable talking to his dad about what he needs to go to sleep, so he asks his mom to text (supposedly). This was after she sent us a text at 10pm demanding that we go out and get the child melatonin because it helps him sleep.
Last weekend, DH said something to his son about how he (DH) doesn't approve of his son participating in his friend's online video games that are posted at 2am and where they all say sexually explicit things about girls Upon hearing that, SS ran off into the field behind our house, called his mom saying "dad is being mean to me and I want to go home." Leading BM to text DH and say "I'm coming to pick him up. He's always unhappy at your house." I went to leave the house for something and see SS sitting outside. I said to him "are you going to go inside to be with your father and your brother." He says "no, because dad is being a jerk to me." I said "he's not being a jerk, he's parenting." Kid goes inside, by the time I get back 30 minutes later, he's happy as a clam playing video games with his father and brother. Meanwhile, BM is still texting that she wants to pick him up. DH later talked to him and said "we're going to have things we disagree on and you can't run away and call your mom every time you're upset with me."
This SS will also periodically call to ask DH if he can do things on our weekends with him. He recently wanted to go to a 24 hour paintball game. DH said no and this child screamed and cried and said "dad, you don't love me" and then called back again and again.
BM will claim that he only acts this way around DH, so it's DH's fault. DH has told me that SS's behavior is just like his mother, who used to meltdown on DH and say he didn't love her if he didn't want to go along with whatever she wanted. She once made him go to some Amway meeting at someone's house, telling him that "we'll be millionaires if we do this." On the drive home, he said to her "that's a pyramid scheme and I won't ask anyone in my family to buy those products." She screamed, cried, hit him, told him he was a loser, told him she couldn't believe she married him.
All this is to say, I'm already fed up with SS and dread his inevitable meltdowns when he is with us. When the kid says he wants to go home my first thought is "fine, go home, because you are not fun to be with when you are like this," but I can't do that to my DH who wants to see his child. Based on BM I'm only expecting them to get worse. DH is fed up, too and mostly ignores them, but a) he does not shut down this behavior in his child and b) these meltdowns do make him doubt himself and wonder if he should be more lenient.
I'd be interested to hear how other people deal with this type of behavior, without counseling (BM doesn't think there is anything wrong with SS's behavior and thinks he only acts that way because of DH - although I know for a fact that he's had meltdowns like that at her house, too).
I deal with a similar
I deal with a similar situation but different issues. I'm right in the thick of it and I don't know how to deal with this, either. IF I were in your shoes, I would suggest the issue with the phone first. Why does he have full access to texting her? I know paperwork says they can call whenever they want without permission, but could some boundary be set in place?
does he see a counselor??
I'd be interested in following this post-- as I need help with it too.
Much love.
He most definitely needs a
He most definitely needs a counselor, but BM would never agree to that. She would see it as stigmatizing for the children. I think she'd also be worried that the counselor would tell her she needed to change the way she parents and she would never stand for that. This child has been diagnosed with ADHD, so when he has meltdowns at her house, she says it's just a problem with his medication and changes it. When he has meltdowns with us, she says it's because DH is a bad parent.
a child of 11 does not need
a child of 11 does not need this type of "entertainment" in his life. limit access to this sort of thing.
if bm does not have the sense to parent the boy, talk to the boys school counselor and relate your concerns. also tell child services if this does not work. a parent should not give access of this mature nature to a child.
being over sexual will have consequences for a child that young. one of my sds ran around with her much older step sister and she was sexually active by the time she was 14. at least bm had the sense to put sd on birth control.
I totally agree. BM is
I totally agree. BM is clueless and thinks her children are sweet little angels. She lets them do all kinds of things on their own.
As a school teacher, these
As a school teacher, these are the types of behaviors we are trained in reporting. I'd talk to a professional to see what can be done.
SS does not get to decide the
SS does not get to decide the custody schedule, so there should be absolutely NOTHING ss can do that will result in him actually being picked up early by BM. Do not let BM have him until parenting time is over, no matter what. If you've ever allowed this, it will get worse. BM seems to be training him to scream to come home all the time. Don't cater to it.
It also seems like a lot of this drama is over phone access, text access, and tablets, so take away everything that is not specifically spelled out in the court order as required. For example, my DH's CO says BM may speak to the child on the phone 3 times per week. Once they speak 3 times, we'd be justified in taking the phone away if it was inconveniencing us, even if they had all 3 calls in one day.
Tantrums and screaming should be handled the same way they should be handled in a toddler. You can try putting him in his room and ignoring him until he tires himself out. If that doesn't work or he won't stay, you'll need to try something else. If the child screams over going to bed, he goes to bed earlier the next day. If he keeps screaming, he loses access to the television. Whatever, baths instead of showers, video games, soda, chips, candy, just keep taking stuff away until he gets the hint. Just keep finding stuff he likes that you can take, his shoes, his right to pet the dog, all clothes that don't itch, tub toys, his chair, his spot on the sofa, you name it. Just let the kid scream until his bedtime is 6pm, he's not allowed to change out of his pajamas, wear shoes, eat anything other than salad without dressing and dry toast or sit anywhere but the floor until your DH's parenting time is up.
My SS is only 4, but BM gives in to all tantrums. This resulted in horrific hour long top volume screaming fits every time we told him no during which he would get so bad neighbors got involved because they couldn't stand the noise. Eventually we simply stopped allowing it. Left him sitting in timeout until he stopped showing any signs of dissatisfaction with the situation (4 hours) and we took pretty much EVERYTHING we could think of away in increments. The behavior stopped completely in about 2 weeks because SS now knows exactly what is going to happen if he does what he does at BM's. Now he just quietly grunts once and then just looks defeated when he would normally have a tantrum, and still tantrums like crazy when he's at BM's, but that's her problem.