Knowing the truth
My SO and i both decided to tied the knot(civil ceremony through our church) few weeks ago. Although, we both plan to have the actual matrimonial ceremony (small wedding)this coming fall. As of right now everyone thinks that we are still engaged and will be married not until this fall. But only certain people like my immediate family and 1 or 2 of my close friends know about us already being married. We choose not to disclose it to everyone else that we are already married until the fall wedding for privacy reasons. For some reason my DH still hasn't told his ex- wife, and his daughter that we are now officially married.
I believe because he is a lil' hesitant of what his ex would say since she never liked me, disapproved of me and him being together and still was overcoming with her feeling towards my DH. and as far as his daughter he simply doesn't want her to feel betrayed as she wanted to be part of the wedding planning. R U SERIOUS?!!! This is my wedding to plan not the spoil, manipulative, extra, SD's wedding. When she gets older she can plan her own but not mine! She better be glad that she is already in the wedding and that's it. But she also wants to take control of my wed planning, by telling me her vision, what color i should choose etc. she always likes to be the center of everything or between evrything my DH and i share! But long story short my SD still doesn't know that my DH and i are already husband and wife. But i want my DH to tell her so she doesn't come between us, and gives me some respect escpecially when she comes over our home for the weekend. DH and SD already share a extremely chemistry between the two that sometimes seperates my DH and i relationships. DH tells me that he simply wants to protect SD feelings and was under the impression that when him and i decided to tell certain people about us being already married that included his family as well. Absolutely not!! Ofcourse your family should know, especially ex-wife and daughter, so they know that my DH and i have our own life and soon planning to build our own family. Am i being mean to think this way or requesting that my DH tells his daughter now and ex- wify about us. BTW she is 11 and doesn't seem to like me much and always trying to compete with me over my DH or be a drag attention!
lol..u r too funny! but too
lol..u r too funny! but too bad cuz she would not be one the flower girls anyways since she is passed the age. i have my lovely nieces for that 5 and 7 yr olds. However, just not being too mean i still don't know what would be an appropiate role for her to play as a SD11 the day of the wedding...just to please my DH and so he can see that i am not showing no dislike towards her hahah
your input?
I think your DH should have
I think your DH should have informed his daughter that you all were married. I don't think it is important for him to tell the ex - she will find out eventually. People will know that you and DH have your own life by your actions. Showing that you are united as one and building your life together. The SD is going to compete for your DH's attention - that's just what kids in their 'predicament' do - trust me, I used to be one of them. However, DH should definitely set boundaries and let SD know that you are his wife and that SD has no choice but to respect you; and that he has and will continue to love and provide for SD no matter who or what.
Well i brought it into his
Well i brought it into his attention this morning and suggested if we could tell her this weekend, and he said ok. But knowing him he probably will not. If he doesn't would it be bad if i do, while we all sitting together for dinner. I was thinking saying something like.
"Hey SD11 daddy and i have some gr8 news to share, guess what?"
what do u think in my appoach?
Unbelievable that he wants to
Unbelievable that he wants to protects SD feelings of "dislike and disapproval" of you two being together.
unaceptable , too, yes, tell them today- you and her father being married is a positive thing, she needs to cope if not being happy for you- she is not a baby anymore plus also NOT HIS MINI WIFE to be entitled to feel like that.
I would let him tell her, and
I would let him tell her, and not necessarily be there myself, kwim? Let them hash it out some privately first imo.
Tell him though that if he does not tell her by X time, you will tell her yourself - so you can be sure he does it.
Since you are married already, do you really want to go through another ceremony too?
It was fun planning my wedding but also probably the most stressful time of my life, and not as fun during as I thought it would be?!
just a thought, use your money for a trip or something you need ex. house?!
I dedinitely will make sure
I dedinitely will make sure that he tells her during these next 2 weeks that she will be staying with us due to spring break (unfortunately). As far as our upcoming wedding, yes we still want to have a ceremony, (me specifically)this is my 1st wed ever as this is DH 2nd marriage. We are both planning to have something very small 50 ppl max for mainly family and few friends. I come from a large family and i am the 2nd to the youngest and this is a big deal to them too! But i thank you for your input and advice on how to handle this situation.
Good luck!
LOL...you are absolutely
LOL...you are absolutely correct! I personally don't care and not affraid of the end result. I want them both to know that we are official and nothing can stop us. It is done and over it! My main concern is DH he is prolonging this situation and sometimes acts funny towards me whenever she is with us over the weekend. He doesn't give me the full undervided attention and love infront of her or hesitates to kiss me,touch, whenever she is with us WTF!
I hope you get to tell the SD
I hope you get to tell the SD this weekend, so you'll feel better. I know it sounds annoying, but take a minute and also explain to her that your still going to have the official big wedding later. Pick one tiny thing for her to be in charge of and tell her it's very important ("you will be in charge of the pen for the guest book on the day of the wedding, which is very important.This is what you'll do...it's a big responsibility!") You know it's not very important, but tell her it is. That way, she'll back off because she thinks she's got an important role, and you'll be happy to have her out of your hair.
As for the BM...don't worry about her at all. None of this is her business. When she hears about it second-hand, she'll know her place.
Ha! you're right! Thanks
Ha! you're right! Thanks again...
Am wondering if you & your DH
Am wondering if you & your DH has tried to be honest with one another concerning all of your feelings? If yes, what happened that made you guys start holding back? I understand what you meant when you mentioned how your DH changes when SD is over during the weekend. It's common for parents to go through that. My DH deals with the same thing & I leave the door open for him to talk about his experience when he is ready. By doing so, it has brought us closer & I also learned that its not me personally. For us when it would happen early on in our relationship, I felt as if he were cheating on me or something.
An important thing you may want to consider before it turns into an issue, is start being honest without kicking one another in the butt over what may be said. If he does not feel comfortable approaching you with what is on his mind the same way you are holding back from him, you or your DH are likely to seek outside of your relationship in some form.
If I were you, I would create a very special time & just the three of you (SD, DH, & yourself) to sit down & tell her together. You might want to say "You are very special to us & we want you to know that we always want you to feel that your very important to us. Now we have something exciting that we want to share with you before others know. We got married already & we wanted you to be the first to know." Than would be a good time to mention the public wedding. You could do so by saying "Now we are going to have a formal wedding, which we would love for you to be part of that. Would you be willing to help us plan it which will include being a part of the actual wedding?" You may want to be the one asking the questions after the DH tells her your married. If she storms out, allow her a few moments to compose herself. She will likely be feeling that she is losing a dad & does not want to gain a step mom.
One thing my DH would tell
One thing my DH would tell anyone, my life is like an open book, and i am free person who always addresses her concerns, keeps it real, and tell it like it is (when necessary at time...). So i always seek to communicate to him and providing solutions etc. My DH in other had has trouble opening up, i have to dig it out of him at times or bring an issue into his attention in order for us to communicate. But it kills me when we discuss about our feelings/emotions or a situation, he always gives me those short vague answers or just agrees with everything i say as if he doesn have any opinions. It's always yes, no, ok, understood and move on like nothing ever happened. Sometimes that's what we could be arguing about; his responses. He states that he hates arguments, so therefore he thinks its best to ignore them or dwell too much on them and hurry up and come up with a solution so we can get over with it and move on to someting else... it kills me when he does that, cuz it shows me that he is not taking me or us seriously. That is completely wrong! Based upon our previous couple counselling experience early last year, our therapist clearly stated that they are healthy arguments and bad ones. Arguments help us to hear one another and consider each other feeling and emotions.. My DH always seems to avoid them all or not be sympathatic of my feelings. He is more the quiet type that tends to absorb all them in then explodes when somthing trigs it
My ex got married without
My ex got married without inviting our kids and they were heartbroken. My kids were already adjusted to his SO and they like her (as do I). I will never understand why his own kids weren't invited and neither will they. It's not something on the forefront of anyone's mind anymore but by not inviting them, EX and SO just confirmed his kids are not as important to them as her kids (kids words, not mine) They were old enough to behave, and they didn't have a problem with them being married. If there was a chance they would have ruined the ceremony, that would have made sense but that wasn't the case. The hurtful part was being told after the fact.