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Just want my space to myself

may927's picture

My husband has 3 kids and at this point, just SD 14 lives with us every other week.  She’s a sweet kid, stays fairly active and is fairly clean.  She likes to suck up all my husbands attention sometimes, but whatever.    I have a 3 month old baby so I am home all the time now, without work to allow me to avoid being here a lot when she is.  We’ve only had 3 weeks this summer where we’ve both been home, this being the last one. I absolutely dread these weeks with no school.  I don’t want to feel obligated to socialize (she’s very chatty), and it just drives me up the wall to hear her raiding the refrigerator or taking a long shower in my bathroom.  I feel like such a shitty person, because she really doesn’t cause any problems.  I don’t want to share my home with anyone other than my son and my husband.  Things will be a lot easier once school and sports start again but I’m already planning to go home (my family lives on the other side of the country) for a month next summer.  I love my husband dearly, and we’ve all been living together EOW for 5 years and I’ve just had enough.  Can anyone relate? Thanks for listening to my not even so horrible rant.  

Rags's picture

I think that most people in a multiple kid relationships probably have similar thoughts upon occassion.

You are not a shitty person.

readingandlearning's picture

You are not a bad person at all. This is normal and is human nature. Do not feel guilty.  My stepson, although messy and sometimes bossy, is generally well behaved for the most part. He could clean up after himself more and not be so bossy sometimes however he is a good kid overall. Even at that, I still wish the house was just my DH and I. It is not the same when it is not your own child.

Kes's picture

As previously said, you are not a shitty person, these feelings are natural.   You mentioned two specific instances - ie raiding the fridge and having a long shower.  If you feel that she does either of these things unreasonably - eg is in the shower for an unreasonable length of time, or eats food destined for a meal, for example, then you could say something.  My SDs used to annoy me by leaving all electric appliances on in their room when they went out.  I am disengaged, but I did ask DH to tackle them about it.  When nothing happened, I took to going in their room after they went out and turning everything off!  I got stick from younger SD one time as I turned the computer off in the middle of a game, terrible sin apparently.  DH had a go at me about it, I said well tough, I will continue to do it so you better tell her that. I pay the bills here too. 

may927's picture

I don’t feel like what she’s doing i.e the fridge raiding or shower taking is unreasonable.  It just will annoy me when she’s here all day and really just because I don’t want to shaw my resources.  She stays pretty busy and loves my son, her half brother.  I wouldn’t trade her for another kid, yet I still struggle sharing my space.  Thanks for the words of encouragement.

futurobrillante99's picture

Why is she using your bathroom? Is that the only bathroom?

may927's picture

Her bedroom is downstairs and the bathroom down there has no shower.  So by my bathroom, I mean the only bathroom with a shower.  

Inluck's picture

I can totally relate. I can only tolerate SD for small snippets of time. Yesterday we had donner together as a family and although she wasn’t outright rude or bitchy I just couldn’t get myself to look at her or converse with her.

futurobrillante99's picture

Honey, I don't like sharing my home with MY kids. They are all adults!

My DD25 lived with me for several months last year and I had to say to her one day, you NEED to get busy getting your own place and landing a job. She had taken a year off work and traveled extensively after being laid off and getting a nice severance package. It's NOT easy sharing your space with another grown or almost grown person whether they are yours or someone else's, but it's harder with someone else's child.

DS23 lives with me and is a good roommate, but I still tolerate it because my freedom to walk around my house naked and have loud sex with my boyfriend is hampered. Meh. Thank goodness boyfriend lives alone and lives nearby. Biggrin

ESMOD's picture

I get where you are coming from.  Having unrelated people in your home can be an irritant for sure.  Yes, your complaints are really small compared to a lot of people on here.. but just because you don't have cancer.. doesn't mean you can't whine a little about the common cold.

But, what helped me the most was really trying to empathize with my SD's.. and also to count my blessings for the S Show that I wasn't experiencing. 

So.. first, try to put yourself in her shoes a bit.  I am not excusing all bad behavior of "children of divorce".. but it is not easy to have to split time with parents and potentially share homes with people that may not really like you.. and are also foreign to you. 

Which brings me to the 2nd point that you realize that she isn't causing the bucketloads of problems that so many kids on here are.  So.... since it is for relatively short periods of time.. it probably is the best to "fake it till you make it."   Take breaks when you need it etc.. The good news is she is really only a few years from a time when she will spend even less of it at home.

may927's picture

You are totally right.  I tend to lose sight of these things too easily.  I think it’s easier to remember when it’s not the summer and school is in and she’s not in the house so much.  Anyway, I posted in hopes of hearing a response like yours, so thank you! 

flmomma08's picture

Totally normal. Those feelings can be intensified after you have a baby too, at least they were for me. I just wanted my little family in the house and that was it. It got better as my daughter got older and I saw how much she loves her sister (my SD).

may927's picture

Yes, I always think that will help me too.  If I see my baby excited to see her (he’s still too young for that now), I think I’ll be able to have a greater appreciation for her.  Thanks! 

tog redux's picture

SS wasn't allowed to raid the fridge or take long showers when he was 14. It's rude. DH should set limits on it. 

may927's picture

I honestly don’t feel like she’s doing anything inappropriate, and trust me, I’d be telling my husband or her if I thought so!  It’s just that I don’t want to share any of my resources with her, so her eating food or using hot water will irk me.  :(

Merry's picture

You’re not crazy or rude. Sometimes my own DH annoys me just by being in the house. I work a crazy job and sometimes just need to be alone.  

Be sure you are taking care of yourself first and foremost. If you are otherwise happy and healthy, that makes dealing with the tougher things easier. 

 

Isthisit19's picture

The above title relates to a book I’ve just read which I would recommend to any step mother. One chapter in it focuses on the fact that it is ok to want to do things with your friends. A step family can make you feel excluded, outnumbered, depressed - an outsider. Seeing your friends can remind you that you are close, part of something, included, happy, if just for a few hours. Take that chance, you need it x