This life isn’t for me
Does anyone else just feel like this life isn't really for them? My DH (together 8 years) is the model husband and father. Not a Disney dad at all, has boundaries, expects his children to be independent, tolerates no disrespect, prioritizes our marriage. SD 21 and SS 19 have been out of the house since they were 18. Only 2 years to go until SD 16 graduates high school. All kids have been accepting and respectful towards me. There have been bumps in the road but nothing huge. I've been hands off from the start- my husband never expected me to parent them or be responsible for them. I know he wishes I was more interested but he accepts that I'm giving all I'm able or willing to give. BM sucks but isn't high conflict. I have a much better situation than most people it seems.
Even so, I just cannot wait for this to end. It took me 3 therapists and a life coach to come to the conclusion that this just isn't for me. I grew up feeling disconnected from my family and I just want to be with my husband and OS 2. I don't want to try to fit it or be super engaged with children he made with someone else. This last year has been so hard. We all took Covid seriously. School was only online and SD 16 was home all the time- no friends except hanging outdoors. I've been a SAHM since my son was born so I'm also home all the time. I'm an introvert and they are extroverts. I have no desire to have to constantly make small talk with her. I don't want a roommate. I'm always respectful to his kids, I am just beyond over sharing my home. For a teenager, SD is fairly pleasant but like all kids, and especially with the stress of the past year, she complains about our home a lot. She's emotionally needy of my husband in annoying ways that he shuts down luckily, but it makes me uncomfortable and irritated.
DH has been working 70+ hours the past few months. My family and his are all 3,000 miles away on the other side of the country. OS and I are going to stay with my parents for 2 months this summer. I just need a break. I need to be with my family. I need to come back here in September and have SD resume her busy life of school, friends, sports. I think I can get through the next couple years if things are "normal"
I don't understand why I can't just get on board with my not so bad situation. I will push through bc my husband is wonderful and I don't want my son having divorced parents. I constantly either feel irritated, anxious or shameful. I can only conclude this life isn't really for me, but I do need to persist. Thanks for listening. It helps to just vent it out sometimes.