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Sick of being a doormat feel so sad.

meme49's picture

Hi I live in the UK please excuse any words abbreviations I don’t get right as I’m brand new.Im 49 my husband of 4 years is 41 we’ve been together nearly 6 years.

ive 3 daughters 23,18,13 and 3 grandchildren 2,4,5 from my eldest who lives 100 miles away.

my 18 yo lives with us fullyime and my 13 yo stays at her dads 3 nights a week.

my stepdaughter is 12 her mother has problems with alcohol and drugs I wouldn’t say she’s an addict she just often uses them to much = neglecting my stepdaughter.

lonh story short My stepdaughter has had to live with us full time for 2 months now instead of 3 nights a week as uk social services were very unhappy with her mums behaviour of drinking alcohol.

sadly my husband leave me to do all he care all husband I do everything for my daughters I also do all the cooking cleaning decorating diy shopping gardening clothes buying work from home. My husband basically works from home too 7 days a week 10-12 hours everyday meaning we spend no time together and he spends no time with his daughter.

before my step daughter came to live here this time my husband simply realised I’d had enough of havhng no relationship wiyh him and doing everything in the house.

we pay 1/2 the bills each we are having a house built so he’s paying for that we both brought the land but I still feel like a doormat.

i explained when he said his daughter was going to live here fullyime that this time he has to do things around the house cook once a week and spend time with us and he hasn’t - 

my stepdaughters mother can only see her in a contact centre after telling her daughter she tried to kill her self and getting drunk in bars as well as taking cocaine in a bar. Stepdaughters mum says she can’t affird £15 for a contact centre my husband told her you can afford drink and drugs and isn’t paying and child support or seeing her daughter or buying her anything so she can afford to pay for a contact centre. It’s been over 3 weeks and the mum hasn’t bothered to arrange this or even bother seeing her daugywrbso I am doing a fulltime job for my stepdaughter for 2 parents as my husband is obviously addicted to his work and her mum isn’t bothered about seeing her daughter.

The thing is in expected to do all her care washing cooking cleaning clothes buying and sort her emotional problems out as well as do all the personal hygiene teaching as her mother hasn’t bothered - I’m the one who’s been buying all her clothes for 5.5 years out of my own money.

Im so tired I’ve had a really bad life and I just feel my husband walks all I’ve rme. Thisbyear alone my son in law aged 22 hung himself in June with my 2 year old grandson in the flat his youngest child. I’ve lost other people through death - 3 years ago I lost our baby to sepsis and I was in intensive care 4 days after this I was cooking for everyone at home.

im just so tired of it all tbh I can’t agford to live apart from my husband as I don’t earn enough and all my savings are tied up in land for our house.

 

How can I get my husband to see he isn’t being fair ?

he won’t do therapy and we’ve had arguments and many discussions about him not being fair he agrees and always says he’ll change but he never does.

im not allowed to disapline his daughter but I have to do both her parents jobs in her cate 

futurobrillante99's picture

Glad you came here because you're going to learn about disengaging.

His daughter is 12. He must do her laundry - he must parent her. It's not your job. He doesn't get to work 10-12 hour days and shirk all responsibility. I would put my foot down HARD and say you're done being a doormat. What do you think his reaction would be? Would he threaten divorce? If he does, I'll wager you'll do very well, financially.

Sadly, you've compromised your savings by buying property that likely has both your names listed on the deed. If the UK is the same as most places in the US, once you co-mingle your money on a joint purchase, 1/2 of it belongs to him. I hope that's not the case in your situation.

You'll get lots of good advice here. Welcome.

meme49's picture

Thankyou for replying 

I’ve tried the I’m not doing her washing or cooking everyday and he says well your doing everyone else’s so what’s the problem ?

He just can’t get it - it’s not my responsibility his child is his responsibility isn’t she ?

ever since she was 6 I’ve been doing all her care spending all my money in her buying her clothes as her mum and dad won’t.

She won’t do as I tell her she acts babyish when she’s asked to do a chore she will be like a 5 year old tinhwr dad and pretend she’s not able and he’s like oh leave it I’ll do it later - he doesn’t so I have to.

 

we laid 1/2 each for the land so we own 1/2 the land each he pointblank won’t sell it so I can’t without his permission.

i have said if you don’t step up and be a dad and husband you can buy me out the land but he then promisies he will do more. He never does.

i have had enough I’ve chrinic ibs d and all this stress makes it a lot worse.

 

He would lose his temper reflect back into me that I’m the bad one for not caring for his daughter if  I refused  and I’m soft and grew up watching my dad beat my mum up so when he gets abit cross I get anxious he’s never hit me but I hate being had ago at.

He said he’d take most Saturday off last week then Sunday then Mondays = he took no time off and blames needing the money to build the house which is true but I disagree he can’t take 1/2 day off a week.

 

thankyiu 

futurobrillante99's picture

IF your fulltime job was to run the household your DH MIGHT have a valid argument that one of your responsibilities was to do laundry for everyone, however, if I recall, you work full time outside the home? ETA: I just read you're not currently working due to your IBS. While I don't think you should be treated as a doormat or slave to your DH, he is working long days to support you at the moment. I can see how it might look to him to be asked to carry the load at home when he's working so much. Still, 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week is excessive.

If you work full time outside the home and contribute to 1/2 the household's expenses, there should also be a fair division of labor in the home. All members of the household should have chores, clean up after themselves, etc.

#1 - stop buying the SD anything with your money.

#2 - disengage from doing anything for your DH and his daughter. No more empty promises, your DH needs to step up and the only way he will is if you only do for your children. This is a wakeup call.

#3 - see if you can locate a therapist to help you deal with your past traumas. Talking to someone can help you become a little more thick skinned with his intimdating behavior. If he ever lays hands on you, it will happen again, so please report it.

You say he works from home 10-12 hours a day? What line of work is he in? I'm wondering if maybe some of this time isn't spent doing other things on his computer instead of work. Porn? Gambling? Chat rooms?

Something is fishy.

meme49's picture

No I do work from home 

I do pay 1/2 the bills

 

even if I didn’t work why should I do all his and his daughters lunches dinners and cleaning up as well as all the gardening diy decorating pay all the bills do all the food shopping buy all there clothes ?

she is not my child - he does not pay me anything to look after her and he does nothing for me or my children , I have even had to put him in the rota he’s that bad and he doesn’t stick to it but bags at me of my children don’t but makes excuses for his child if she won’t do her chores.

i am seeing a therapist 

he is not watching poem or in chat rooms he’s working in fiance so he has weird hours = long days but he doesn’t HAVE to he’s addicted to what he does his own admittance.

 

so no he doesn’t support me but if we split I will have to move house as I can’t afford the rent alone and my money is tied up in land we brought.

SM12's picture

I can’t help you with your DH and his attitude only to say..Stop catering to him.  

You have three capable children in your home who can cook, clean and do their own laundry.  There is No reason they can’t help out.   Tell them they are responsible for their own laundry.  Give each of them turns at cleaning up after dinner.  Have your 18 run errands if she can drive. 

And again, stop catering to your DH.  Let him do his own laundry.   

Ive learned that you will only be treated how you allow someone to treat you.  Stop being a doormat and take control.  No one else will do it for you.

tog redux's picture

That's a hard situation because he's just not around and you can't just ignore the kid, it's not her fault her parents are useless.  You can help her learn to do her own laundry and cook simple meals, etc, but at 12, she still needs a fair amount of support.

What would happen if you got a job outside the home and weren't there to care for her? Would he just ignore her needs?  That way you could be out of the house and also save up money to get yourself out of this situation, as it doesn't sound like he intends to do anything differently.

meme49's picture

Yes he’d leave her to her own devices all day sat alone infront of a tv if she never meet up with friends 

 

I am looking for a job I do have chronic ibs so it really impacts on my ability to work outside the house but it would be for the best 

meme49's picture

Of course it’s my problem that he parents a 12 year old well since I’ve been around a 6-12 year old I can’t sit by watch her have no clothes care dinners ? So the way he parents is my problem as she lives in my house and is a child 

tog redux's picture

I mean leaving her in front of the TV all day.  I suspect he might step up if you stop doing so much and make clear that you will be doing so.

If you are making food for yourself and your kids, of course you include her. But she can do her own laundry, and you can tell her "ask your dad" when she mentions needing more clothes.

also, he needs to get child support from her mother. That can help pay for clothes.

meme49's picture

I found out before we meet he had her 3 days a week and he used to leave her infront if the TV all day when he was on the computer working and gave her a microwave meal he never paid child support then so you can see her mothers point of view.

i don’t know maybe I’ve hit a brick wall and can see this lasting forever I feel disrespected and he simply can’t see he is in the wrong.

 

there lies the problem I do washing everyday so how can I leave hers only - once I start not washing or cooking for her I’m in his level = neglecting a child.

tog redux's picture

But it's not your child. She's plenty old enough to learn to do her own laundry, in fact, have your two do theirs, too, then she's not the only one.  Cook for her only if you are cooking for everyone, otherwise, she can forage for herself. At 12 she can do basic cooking or make herself a sandwich.

YOU have to make changes. Don't wait for him.  It sounds to me like everyone in the house knows you won't stand up to them, so they do what they want. You can only control you.

ESMOD's picture

It really sounds like you have been dumped with a lot of responsibility.  And.. I commend you for not taking it out on the poor girl who has been saddled with not ONE but TWO "neglectful" parents.  Yeah.. there are different shades of neglect.. but your husband abdicating his responsibitity onto you.. and not giving his own daughter any emotional support.. the poor kid must be really lost. 

Now, I know it's not going to fix the root of the problem but the kids living at your home are all old enough to be fairly self sufficient and are old enough to be doing chores to help keep the household moving forward.

The 2nd part is that you need to pry your DH away from his work long enough to have a serious talk about his daughter.  He needs to know that his daughter needs him.. needs to know he cares..he does that by taking care of her.  She might need some therapy.. shoot.. the three of you might benefit since it seems your DH has checked out of so many things.  You can't care more than her bio parents.. but in this case.. neither parent is doing anything and I understand you don't want to let the girl just drown.

He needs to MAKE time in his schedule for his child.  If it helps, set up a calendar with specific "appointments" to do things with her.. or to make dinner etc.  Now, that might mean he orders a takeout pizza because he didn't plan for tuesday's meal.. but if he doesn't arrange for a meal on his night.. I would pack the lot of the kids up and take them out to dinner using HIS credit card.. he can stay at home. lol.  He needs to hear that you feel undervalued and over-burdened.  He needs to hear that while you care about his daughter that the girl needs his time and attention.  If that means he takes a break in working and then works later or gets up earlier.. then that is the result. 

Again, Kudos to you for stepping up and not taking your frustration out towards the girl.

meme49's picture

Thankyou that reply means a lot to me as I’ve been bashed so many times fornpoating in netmuks that I should step up and do it all 

 

I’ve tried to explain dozens of times she needs him as her mum has abandoned her all he replies is “ it won’t be like this foreve when the hisue is built I will have lots free time “. I explain well you can’t put her on hold she needs you now not in 1-2 years time I said I need a relationship.

 

tbh he’s always had an addictive personality I found out after we were married you name it he’s got a buzz out of it I told him he needs therapy - his daughter is and I am he won’t.

 

We have argued many times about the neglect he is showing his daughter he even agrees with me but he wants a house more than anything in the world and obviously he choosing that ibwr his child and his wife.

 

thankyou 

meme49's picture

My 18 yo is havhng driving lessons.

i have tried I have done a rota but have to nag them all to do anything on it.

he won’t do anything if I stop he stops talking to me and causes a huge atmosphere.

 

i totally agree peope only treat you how you allow them to probably why his ex wife and ex fiancé kept kicking him out the house as he’s a lazy disrespectful person 

Harry's picture

So you don’t have to spend time cleaning.  Make rules,  everybody does there own laundry, cooking and cleaning up  schedual.  DH can not work 12 hours a day, seven days a week and have his DD living with you.  Either he take care of his DD or she goes some place else. You have to disengage or you are going to lose your mind 

meme49's picture

What place will she go to ? She refuses to see her mum now and he won’t pay for childcare ?

Rags's picture

Time to apply the behavioral and financial thumb screws to this guy.  Outsource everything he refuses to do and he pays (Housekeeping, lawn care, etc...).  Start throwing away SD's and DH's messes.  Bag it and put it on the curb for pick up on trash day. Including their laundry.  If they salvage it in time, great. If not... tough shit.

Immediately push for liquidation of the property or get an attorney and put together a buy out plan for him to buy you out.

If he will not step up, man up and be  your equity life partner.... then kick he and his toxic spawn to the curb.

He doesn't like the mirror you hold up in front of his face regarding his parental failures.  That is why you need to keep that mirror in front of his face 24/7 until  he adjusts his behavior or caves on the property. No more telling you he will get better.

Any time he tries that crap you reply with the mirror. "Don't tell me. Show me!" and keep his ass bare on his failure to follow through.

Good luck.

Take care of you.

meme49's picture

Your right today he make lame excuses about doing nothing again so I’ve told him I’ve had enough 

it’s 10.30 pm and he’s going to sleep as he’s been on the  computer all day and I’ve not spent any time with him 

 

pointless relationship 

 

thankyiu for replying 

Curious Georgetta's picture

to have expectations from this man. You are in a position that you are financially tied to this arrangement. Have you spoken with an attorney to see if is possible to sell your interest or share  of the land without his consent?

This man has not changed since you married him; he is the same man that he was when you married him. You have just grown weary of that man.

Do you really want to be this man's wife? Are you certain that he is taking any proactive steps to build a home? Have you met with contractors? Have you signed any contracts? Have you seen any signs of construction having been started? Have you been seen a title to the land that you supposedly jointly own?

Counselling may help you,but in the interim , you should rein in your expectations. This man has neither the desire nor a reason to change.  You keep hoping for a husband and father. He is not equipped or inclined to fulfill either of those roles.

You are only frustrating yourself with these continued expectations.

 

 

still learning's picture

It's long past time for the young people in your home to start contributing. 18, 13 and 12 are all old enough to divy up some chores.  Your husband and you both work so they need to pitch in. They can do all the yard work, vaccuming, dishes, their own laundry, pet care (if you have them) etc.  Let them know what needs to be done and let them choose what they'd like to do and rotate the chores if they wish. I'd give them an allowance as well. If they are completly helpless and lazy start small and work up from there.  

My 22 and 16 yr old sons live with me full time and they do almost all of the household chores, it's taken some training but it's paid off.  My 12 yr old goes back and forth between his dad and I but he still has to do his part when he's here. I think of it as future husband/roomate training. Someone will thank me for these well trained young men in the future, for now we all benefit by living in a clean living space.  

 

shamds's picture

Your problem is the feeling like a doormat because you are letting eveyone walk all over you  including your own kids. Everyone needs chores and understand it takes a whole household to run a household. I haven’t cleaned my stepsons bedroom, it smells of mould, he always washes his clothes with not enough water or soap meaning they are still dirty and smelly and stinking up the house that hubby has to tell him off. 

My almost 3 yr old helps me tidy up her toys putting it into their storage containers, she helps throw dirty laundry in the washing machine, helps hand me clean laundry to hang on the clothes line to dry, if my daughter can any adult or teenager has no excuse and shouldn’t use the “my parents split up and i’m incompetent ruse”

So from now on, if stepdaughters room is dirty, tell her she has 10 mins to clear up, if she refuses to, any electronics are confiscated from her room till she tidies up (including her mobile phone), if laundry needs to be done- tell her she has 5 mins to start the laundry and must hang clothes after the washing machine cycle has finished, if she refuses to, confiscate electronics.

i’d suggest you do a roster where everyday one kid does laundry, empty trash, sweep, mop and help prep dinner or veggies etc for dinner. Even your own kids get electronics confiscated

then when hubby tells you off why did you confiscate her stuff that isn’t fair, tell him you do the same to your bio kids. When hubby is tasked with doing something, tell him when it needs to be done by. If 2-3 hours before that time limit its still not done, remind him again, 30mins before still not done, tell him it must be done. If he doesn’t do it, you tell him firmly he must do what you asked and that he promised to do it and hasn’t and he won’t come to bed till he does it. Be firm hun, i know it sounds like you’re being harsh and this will ruin my marriage and relationship etc but he needs that wakeup call what a selfish prick he’s being. 

 

When my daughter was 8.5 months old i told hubby off that being pregnant with baby #2 and major vomiting, i couldn’t do much and he and his 20yr old son from ex just turned a blind eye. I am no ones maid so from now on i don’t care if its hubby or stepson, cat litter must be done, their biscuits and water, trash emptied, laundry if not done he must start a cycle, if clean laundry hasn’t been hung he does it. I was firm and reminded him at present i am the only person feeding my daughter, making her bottle, bathing her and changing nappies, that i simply couldn’t trust leaving her in hubbies care while i gave birth to our 2nd baby. That hit him real hard and its been 2 yrs that he has continued with clearing kitty litter, their biscuits and water and emptying trash

now when ss does dirty things like dump trash on kitchen floor or piles rubbish bin till overflowing and never empties it, his dad gets a pic of the problem and a stern firm message saying “deal with this now from your incompetent son”, within mins stepson gets a message or call from dad at work to fix the issue immediately. He always has an excuse for everything but his dad is firm that you do not do this any longer because it is lazy and stupid

i know stepson isn’t happy because i’m like a chore nazi but his bio mum neglected him and never nurtured him and he’s milking everyone for all its worth and in the real world, we get tough love. Its for his benefit and i feel no guilt over it