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If you thought your Skids would NEVER leave the nest...

SAFjh's picture

Would you stay or go? If you are with the love of your life do you feel that they are worth living with their baggage forever? I apologize in advance...I've been posting and venting on here a lot lately but it's the only outlet I have. I swear to God I can't picture the day that my SS gets off his A$$ and does ANYTHING constructive...let alone becoming a productive member of society with whom someone would eventually want to cohabitate or start a family. I am asking myself constantly if my SO is worth the lifelong stress it would cause if he never leaves. What would you all do?
I really believe I am with the person I am meant to be with. I've heard it said that a person may have many 'soulmates' in a lifetime but with my SO after a decade and a half we both still have all the passion and interest in each other that we had when we first met. I didn't know that was possible. We can't ever get sick of one another or spend too much time together and the intimacy has only gotten better with time rather than waned away. Of course, though, there would have to be a fly in the ointment and it is a big one. *sigh*
So I am asking, not for advice this time because I have received tons of good advice, but just what would you guys do?

SAFjh's picture

Just a quick afterthought...I am doing really great with the disengaging and hence we haven't had a single fight in over a week. That part has been blissful and a big relief but it leaves a lot of room for fear of the future. SS is getting his way right and left lately now that I don't interfere but at least I am keeping my end of the arrangement.

TwoOfUs's picture

Of course her SS being useless and not launching would affect her. It means another grown person (one who she isn't related to, at that) living in her home and draining the resources.

And yes, intact families divorce over this kind of thing all the time. Different expectations of kids, different parenting styles. My own grandparents divorced after over 3 decades and 6 kids over this EXACT issue. The baby of the family was nearly 30, still living at home, had been to multiple school programs and never finished anything...then got married to some floozy and moved her into his parents' basement with him, which they kept as a pigsty. I'm talking huge piles of dirty laundry all over the pool table, wrappers everywhere, half empty sodas...sleeping until noon. They also had a couple of dogs down there that they wouldn't take out enough.

I know this because I was alive and saw it...about 9 years old. It got to where no one else in the family felt comfortable visiting my grandparents in their beautiful lake home. My grandmother coddled my uncle...my grandfather couldn't stand it and kept trying to force him out...but she undermined him every time. Then, one day, when she was out grocery shopping, my grandfather left the home, left her a letter, and never came back.

So, yeah. Kids not launching will break up 'intact' families, too.

OP...to answer your question. If my skids NEVER launched I would be out of here so fast. Honestly, I was at the point where, if they'd taken much past 18 or 19 to get moving...I would have at least considered living separately until they were all established in some kind of program and plan.

ctnmom's picture

I'm in a nuclear family, DH and I married when we were 19 and 20, respectively. My SS40 is actually his nephew biologically. If DH babied and crippled one of our three children or SS the way I see some Disney dads do on here with their failure to launch kids, yes I might just leave him. I's not good for marriage or the adult kids to have that situation. Very crippling and unhealthy for the kids.

SAFjh's picture

Yes I suppose you would have to read my story to know that you're a bit off base here. Smile I don't intend that to sound defensive or anything I promise. I do not have kids of my own. My intention was only to get others opinions of their own situations here but I can quickly explain again that my SS isn't just useless but he is scary. He's a drug addict who threatens and verbally abuses my SO and how on earth can that NOT affect me? Watching the person you love most in the world get treated that way affects one's happiness and quality of life. I can say with certainty that if I WAS a parent I would have thrown this 17 year old out of my home already to protect myself and the others living here that I love regardless of my supposed legal responsibility to provide for said offspring until they are 18.

SO by the way is a woman and so am I.

TwoOfUs's picture

Read my response above. You are very right to feel this way...and intact families can and do break up when a kid doesn't launch and one parent enables it and the other parent wants the kid to launch. It can be very damaging to any kind of marriage relationship...whether the kid is a step or your bio. I think it might even be more damaging if it's your bio because you feel like a failure.

My brother failed to launch for a while, too...and didn't help around my mom's house (she's a widow, living on a small income), drained her resources. I kept thinking that if my dad were alive, that would never have been allowed to happen. The other kids...really hated it that he was still so dependent on my mom...and we eventually cajoled and encouraged and shamed him into moving out on his own. I swear the next time I saw him, he looked 3 inches taller. There's just something about providing for yourself that makes you feel good.

SAFjh's picture

TwoOfUs, thank you so much! I had a feeling that my thoughts and feelings were valid and that likely the vast majority of people would feel as I do but it is so nice to see it confirmed.

Kes's picture

I didn't have this issue exactly, because we only had the SDs here EOW, and that stopped happening in 2013/4. However, I think that it would be very likely, given the kind of situation you describe, that I would establish a separate living establishment a short way away from the one of DH and his daughters, while still having a relationship with DH.

I fully expect that the SDs will still be living with their mother into their 30s and 40s, both are in their early 20s and the elder one is a perpetual student who has hardly held down a job in her life.

Personally I would have been very concerned if my own two daughters had suffered from "failure to launch", (not quite as much as the SDs as I found their presence less annoying) as it was, both attended University and then settled with partners in the areas where these were.

SAFjh's picture

Now I am curious...are there bio parents out there who would be perfectly content to have their kids live with them forever? I guess life is never like you think it is but this is such a surprise to me if there are. My parents loved us dearly (me and siblings) but they wanted us to go out into the world at some point and give them grandkids or have careers or partners or whatever would make us happy but they did expect, like I thought everyone did, to enter into the next stage of life where they could just be alone together, enjoy each other, travel and with their kids supporting themselves to be able to save for retirement and such. Most bio parents I know now think that way too.

I am not judging anyone, EVER!!! in what they may want or be ok with. I am really just curious. So think of this as an extension of my original question folks and as always...I appreciate everyone's feedback. Advice is even welcome...not necessarily what I was seeking for with this particular post...so long as it pertains to the facts of my situation which I did put in a separate post and a lot of you lovely people responded to. Smile

Thank you Kes. I will discuss that idea with SO to see if down the road that would be a compromise we could reach if need be.

Kes's picture

"Now I am curious...are there bio parents out there who would be perfectly content to have their kids live with them forever?"

I will be interested to see what responses you get to this question. Unlike you, I don't mind judging people }:)
I think it is the natural and desirable thing to do that young ones grow up and fledge, leaving the nest to establish their own homes and families eventually.

I think part of the reason my SDs haven't is that their mother, the vile NPD BM, has always bound them to her with hoops of steel. She interferes in their lives, muscles into their social lives (honestly, who wants to be going out with your mother when you're 17?) and in every way is unhealthily enmeshed.

PS so glad to hear you're doing well with the disengagement and also hopefully less anxious.

SAFjh's picture

Thank you Kes!!! Yes it is a relief to disengage and this thread has been an absolute Godsend! I only wish I had found it sooner!

Dovina's picture

As a bio parent I would never be content if my adult bios never left home. It would signify I failed as a parent to raise my children to be productive happy adults. IMO the parents that are content to have their grown children live with them permanently have co dependency issues. For me its pure joy of having them launch. Being proud of my kids independence. Also, not to forget my "snoopey dance". I have done my time, now its time for me. Smile

TwoOfUs's picture

Nope.

I don't have any kids, but as I've mentioned in responses above, I've seen a failure to launch bio break up an intact marriage and have negative affects on the rest of the family. Bio-parents who don't insists on their kid launching...if they have more than one...should also consider the affect this has on the other kids who have launched. As I've seen, it causes huge rifts.

justmakingthebest's picture

Yes, but my case is different. OSS has Autism, Bipolar and ADHD. It was actually all confirmed by all of his counselors this week that he will more than likely live with us forever. What "living with us" will look like may change - garage apartment or in-law suite but yes, living with us.

If he was a normal kid, nope. No way in hell!

still learning's picture

My 21 yr old is living w/us because of his LD. He's working and getting SSI but will always need some sort of guidance in his life. I'd like to get him to the point where he is semi living on his own. I may set him up in a living situation w/his sister who would love help w/rent. DH and I are also contemplating the garage apt or MIL suite so that he is *on his own* but yet has the support he needs. The ol' "18 and yer outta here" doesn't work for every situation.

I never envisioned mothering my kids into their adult years, not my dream of motherhood. But it's the right thing to do otherwise my kid would likely be on the streets. He's respectful, earns his keep around the house and gets along w/DH so the situation is doable although not ideal.

Kes's picture

Gimlet - I thought your reply was exactly right - one wants one's sons and daughters to have a fulfilling, independent life, for THEIR sake. Not to be stuck in the offspring role as you say. It is of course different if your son or daughter has some sort of disability - but even so - I think the happiest environment is often one which offers a modicum of independence plus peers to interact with - such as a community group home for people with learning disabilities. One where it's possible to strike up friendships, more so than just at a day centre.

classyNJ's picture

Great answer Gimlet.

I lived with my mother for about 6 months after I left my ex. Her and I are great together and I spend one night a week with her - Moms date night Smile BUT after I moved out she told me that she loved me but didn't want me ever living with her again Blum 3

She wanted to see me back on my own feet and get back my independence. She said as much as she loved me I cramped her style and she has been in her own place for so long another person there for more than a weekend puts her out. LOL

SO and I were just discussing this last night when SS15 grades came up again. I told him that my motto is 18 and out whether or not he goes to college because I can see him just getting a part time job pumping gas and living with us. SO said "well he will pay rent" I said "Yes he will - to another person, but not here" He agreed thank goodness.

still learning's picture

Group homes have waiting lists and can take years to get into. The ones I've looked into in my area also have a no pets/service animals policy. So they may work for some yet not for others.

Kes's picture

"Getting skid out at 18 is my hill to die on. It will be ugly."

Lol I will be happy to put on my gladiator outfit and come and fight your war with you Wink Gallipoli comes to mind.

lorlors's picture

I’ll be there dying on that hill with you LOL. Non negotiable and not up for discussion. Certainly not afraid or coyed by inevitable ugliness.

At 18 they will be adults. Time to start adulting.

Rags's picture

Once he turned 18 SS's presence in our home had very specific and stringent requirements. We would have sent him to any university anywhere in the world on our dime if he had only levitated from his own butt and taken the steps to get in.

Nope, not interested. Though it was infuriating at the time I am very proud of how self aware he was. After many months of his mom and I ridding his butt to get into school he finally talked to us. He told us that he wasn't ready and that it would be a waste of our money and his time to go to college right out of HS. He wasn't ready to study.

So, his presence in our home required that he get and keep a full time jog. Any job. We didn't specify what job only that he had to have one. He could continue to life at home at no cost to him. Nope, not interested.

We would not tolerate him pursuing an online gaming and couch rodeo career in our home on your time and on our dime so we turned him into our live in beck and call boy/chore bitch.

We worked that kid's butt off. He swept, mopped, vacuumed, washed folded, put away, scrubbed, polished, washed, dried, put away, dusted, painted, sanded, mowed, weeded, trimmed, edged, sliced, diced, chopped, cut, cooked, cleaned up, and the next day he started it all over again.

When we left for work we shut off the cable tv and internet. If he got all of his chores done for the day.... he got to do the next days chores. If he didn't get the chores done... he was left on the door step when we left for work the next day with no water or food. If he was still there when we got home in the evening he could enter the home and start his chores. If he got the chores he failed to do the day before and the chores for his day on the front step done before we left for work the next AM he got to do that days chores.

Only twice did he test us and have to spend the day on the front step. That is all it took for him to understand his standing in the home. He lived there at our convenience and not his own. He would have a roof over his head and he would be fed but .... he had to work for it.

After a number of months he enlisted in the USAF on delayed entry. He remained in our home on the same terms until he reported for BMT.

He has been in the USAF for nearly 7 years, is doing great, just started 3 years of duty in Germany, and is working on his BSCS. He indicates that he intends to make it a career.

We are proud of him though it was a closely run thing as to whether or not he would live to launch. Fortunately for him his mom and I could not agree to strangle him on the same day so he survived and is making us proud.

So NO! SKids nor BKs get to live at home forever.

Fortunately my wife and I agreed on how to deal with SS-25 and his struggles to launch when he was 18.

Merry's picture

All of our kids are launched. Finally. It took a couple of tries for my bio and my SS, but out they are and doing pretty well. DH and I agreed that no kid, bio or step, would move in with us, ever. But I'm sure if there were a horrible hardship we would have them back, but only short term and with an exit plan.

Our marriage would not have survived having the "old" SS and DH underfoot every day. DH would probably say the same about me and mine.

SAFjh's picture

WOW!!!!! This topic generated an overwhelming number of responses and I am so damn grateful I don't know where to start! Thank you everybody! I know now that I am not some kind of jerk for feeling the way I feel and so much anxiety just melted away as I read these responses.

TwoOfUs I agree %100 percent with you!

Thank you again seriously to each and every one of you. Well...with the exception of one person who told me my question was stupid LOL.

It's not as if I don't have love for my Skids...of course I do! I have been around since they were babies. Even then, though, I knew I didn't want to spend my ENTIRE life living with them and my SO and I had a discussion about that at one point during which she promised me that they wouldn't be around forever. I have hung on to those words for all these years. I will definitely be having the conversation now with SO about the idea that if he is not gone...or changed for the better and growing into an independent adult...by the time he is 18 that we need to start living separately. I actually really believe that will motivate her because I know she doesn't want to lose me. We shall find out either way though.

Thank you again though to all of you. You all have been so helpful. Smile

SAFjh's picture

I would agree with you that I was offended by you calling my question stupid. You also presumed to tell me that I would probably not feel the way I do or be asking the question I was asking if it were about my bio child. While you might have meant well yes you did rub me the wrong way with that because you don't know me at all to make such an assumption, and how is it kind to tell someone their question is stupid? This is a place for people to support one another through their struggles. Had you stated an "ugly truth" or a "tough love" type of thing...that I can take. That can be constructive even if it's hard to hear. You insulted my question instead though. I believe I wasn't the only person who noticed this either but regardless of that I suppose I should still thank you for your effort because I did say I welcomed any and everybody to weigh in. No harm no foul.

I thought I might add also that it's hard for anyone to absorb any constructive things that are said to them AFTER you insult them and hurt their feelings but I didn't come to this sight to argue or fight with people. I came to this site to have less arguments and fights with my SO.

SAFjh's picture

StepRightOff...fair enough I suppose. Although I have to say I think these people are not as weak as you are making them out to be. Everyone has their breaking point. I am a strong willed person. Will I leave? Fuc* yes I will if things don't change. I may be more on here to figure out how I'll de with the awful God damned heartbreak when it happens as well as trying to figure out how I may prevent it from having to happen.

You sound like an intelligent woman and a realist but you also sound jaded. I want to still believe there is hope for miserable people to be happy. I can't and wouldn't tell you how to conduct yourself but I do so hope you don't go around these boards just trashing people's hopes who could really use positivity and who are already extremely sensitive. My hell...what would be so wrong with finding the kindest possible way to word and phrase what you want to say?

SAFjh's picture

Ok. I am going to accept that as an apology and say no hard feelings. I don't need to have the last word here even though I can sometimes be a "last word" freak but rather I don't want to have anymore wars of words. I still don't think there is such a thing as a stupid question even if you find some very eloquently worded way to explain your calling it that. With that said I don't intend to check in on this again.

SAFjh's picture

Oh but I would also like to offer a final thank you to everyone!!! Great feedback and insights and I have taken a lot way from this Smile

Acratopotes's picture

I left, I had no choice cause the brat was only 14...... lived on my own lol, could not handle her disrespect for everything and any one, nor her messy ness and the fact she never cleaned.

I made damn sure she left after graduation and still in the process of making sure she will not visit to often, if SO dares taking her in, when she failed first semester/year or because she's pregnant it will be the end of the relationship.