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Disengaged and...Miserable???

SAFjh's picture
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I am sorry for being redundant. I am just so lost. I am not feeling any happier disengaged than I did when I was involved. The only thing to have changed is that SO and I are not fighting anymore about Skids. Maybe I am just learning it isn't going to be enough for me. I am trying to have blind faith that things will change without my involvement but I don't know if I can do that. To my SO's credit...I have noticed that lately she has been putting her foot down more and I am happy to see it but I am also noticing that it doesn't bother this Skid. He seems so unaffected by it as though it's too late to teach him a lesson or change the course of anything. She won't give him money to go out and buy drugs? He has taken to stealing it from his grandmother. She won't give him rides in the middle of the night? He harasses his grandma or sister until one of them do his bidding. I feel like I am going crazy. What is wrong with me?

I can't stop fearing for my future. I really don't know what to do. I am trying not to notice the things that are going on so they can't bother me but it really is impossible not to accidently overhear what's going on outside my bedroom door.

I don't sound very disengaged right now I realize. It's likely that I will be told I am not doing it right but you would have to be in my shoes to see how hard I'm trying. Am I really supposed to be able to 'give it to God' or something and not worry about how things will end up? Is that what you guys do? I'm sorry for whining...I'm disgusted with myself right now but I've never been so unhappy and it's supposed to be different.

sammigirl's picture

I have been totally disengaged for 4 years, working on disengagement for 8 years. I was very miserable when I began disengagement, because DH and I had the "Brady Bunch" family for 30+ years, because I tried for years to keep everyone happy. I realized, one day, that my DH and his kids had never been a happy, well adjusted family. I was only doing it for myself, trying to be the perfect SM. We have been married 38 years.

OSS59 has always been respectful of me; although we never really engaged. SD57 has disliked me from day one, and furthermore, she never made any bones about it. YSS54 was well acquainted with the Justice system since I met DH (including drug use), therefore I let DH handle it. I never engaged with YSS54 as well. The only time I engaged with YSS54, was when YSS was age 20; when I personally took it upon myself to cut the purse strings, tell him to get a job or move out, and cut all his amenities off in our household (another story).

When DH realized I was no longer going to be involved with any of the gig; he began to see it for what it was. He now treats me with understanding. It took almost 4 years, for him to realize SD57 was hostile and I had turned the other cheek for years. He loves his DD, and we do not discuss any of my disengagement. DH understands. I just let DH handle it absolutely everything and I have made a life of my own, which also includes my marriage and my separate relationship with DH. It does not involve skids in any way. Now DH is very ill and I have to tolerate skids visiting, phone calls, texts, you name it.....but it's still DH and their deal. I stay disengaged.

The answer to you questions; you are in early stages of disengagement and you will fall off the wagon and feel disgusted many times. I still do it. I do not listen to the problems, I do not ask, I do not put myself in the position to know. In my situation, disengagement is completely separating myself from the entire group. I even disengaged from DH, where his kids are concerned. I have my peace back, I have friends, hobbies, and go out alone a great deal, to shop or have lunch; just to stay away from step-life.

It takes time and lots of effort; but one day you will wake up and realize you just don't care and it almost is like a past life. I love my disengagement; all the effort, failure, tears, and anger has been worth it. I will never go back.

You desire for things to be good under your roof; they are not. They will not change to suit you. You must change your thinking and your lifestyle if you want to keep your own happiness and your marriage. If you cannot move forward to give yourself peace, it won't work. Put yourself first, without putting yourself in the line of fire. Grandma will also learn and get tired of covering for this kid, you can sit back and watch it form. Take yourself out of the picture.

SAFjh's picture

Thank you for the responses. I guess I could work on having my own life. The only thing I have to really call my own right now is that I am a leisure runner...wish I could spend all of my idle time running around but if I ran every time I was stressed every bone in my legs would be fractured. I know all of my bitching isn't going to help. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest anyways. Since we have stopped fighting about the Skids suddenly we are fighting about other things that we never fought about before and I don't know if it's because I am internalizing everything about the Skids. I have disengaged from talking to her about them. That was a decision we made together because whenever they get brought up a fight is inevitable. I tried disengagement once before where I didn't make her aware that was my plan...just stopped asking her who was texting and what they said and giving my opinion but she kept talking to me about everything until the point where I finally erupted. I wish I were stronger than that.

Anyhow...I'll try to add some other kinds of activities into my idle time where maybe I'm not around so much but that's sure to bring about questions from SO about why I'm spending more time away from her. I keep trying to handle everything in such a way as not to hurt her so I don't know how I'll explain my unhappiness at home. She can likely see it but I haven't brought it up to her because she really IS trying.

tigerlily74's picture

"Since we have stopped fighting about the Skids suddenly we are fighting about other things that we never fought about before and I don't know if it's because I am internalizing everything about the Skids."

I think you've identified the cause and effect here. Because you're new to disengaging, it's still an unnatural response for you when you see/hear all that's going on around you (even if your SO has made tiny changes). So while you're trying not to interact, it's still frustrating because you still care and you still want to effect change. As far as I can tell, the people here who really disengage do not care and that frees them from all the angst! Like you, I try to stay out of any interactions with my skids, but I haven't mastered the art of not giving AF.

Stay strong and try not to let your frustration with the skids bubble over into other areas. (Something I'm trying to do too!)

QTsmum's picture

I feel you. And I'm right there with you. Im miserable when skid is around because no matter how much I try, I'm still forced to be around him at times and he drives me bleeping crazy. Sad

Acratopotes's picture

Disengagement doe snot happen over night, it takes months before you can say, I'm fully disengage, you are only at the start now, you still have to reach the stage where your wife turns on you and accuse of of being absent, that will be more or less at the 3 months mark... this will be tuff, you smile and say No Hon, I'm right here, you are doing such a good job and I support you fully....

See the skid is calling her bluf, round about 6 months skid will realize, Mum is serious....he might be moving out permanently and this is where your wife has to say, fine feel free to move out but keep in mind, you will not be moving back after a month or 6.... it's time you live with your life decisions. Skid will move between all family members and they all will see how skid is, then they will start supporting DW,

All you can do for the next 6 months - remain disengage and support her, if she complains, give her a hug and tell her she's doing a great job with the kid, you will not get involved..

It gets better my man, it gets better..