I think I'm upset
Here's the gist...
DH and I really got into it over the holidays because of BM overstepping and complaining about me. DH felt the need to defend me and it snowballed. SD15 causes trouble, but DH doesn't see the manipulation. It's like Steplife 101.
My mission statement is "ignore the whore" and I basically told him the same. I don't give a rats ass what she says or thinks about me. BM completely controls SD's schedule and they are sickeningly enmeshed. If he wants to beg for SD's time, whatever, but I don't. I told him he shouldn't have any communication with BM, SD is old enough and has her own phone. I also told him I don't want to hear about BM- she is dead to me. Our fight was pretty bad.
DH had asked SD if she wanted to come over last weekend. She said, "I'll think about it and let you know." I have a problem with this, but whatever. I feel like she dangles a visit, then ditches him if something else comes up. (she hasn't visited since Xmas)
Yesterday, his phone pinged and a text popped up, that said, "SD wants to know what time you'll be picking her up." He was lying in such a way that I could see the screen. (she had never even said she wanted to come over)
He then sat up and there was some texting back and forth.
so....
1. why is BM texting
2. why didn't SD text/phone him?
3. He didn't say it was BM
4. a few days ago he said he didn't recognize the number
He did NOT jump to get SD. We were having a chill relaxing movie day, and I would have lost my shit if DH jumped to her bidding and my day got screwed. I was explicit I didn't want to hear about BM. I know that BM dictates SD's schedule, phone use, everything (!!) and my issue has always been that BM does NOT dictate my weekends. These are precious and planned. We would be happy to include SD provided there was a plan. I have never stopped visitation, I only need to know 'when'.
I think I'm upset because BM is texting, and he is answering. But he didn't cave and he respected my need to have a plan and not say, "Oh SD wants to come over- I'll go get her." He stayed put and we spent the day doing what we had planned. Am I being a baby? I know he is trying to keep the peace, but I'm still upset.
I didn't tell him i saw the text.
This is typical 15 year-old
This is typical 15 year-old behavior. Just give her a deadline. So if she wants to come on a particular weekend she has to let him know by that Wednesday or something. Adults do the same thing. They leave their schedule open in case something better comes up, and they don't rsvp. I wouldn't get involved in the dealings between dh and bm and sd. Who cares? All you need to concern yourself with is whether or not she will be there and what you can/can't plan.
By the way, I don't believe you are "happy to include SD provided there was a plan." If you were really happy either way, all these details wouldn't matter. Nobody wants someone else's 15 year old around. I don't even want my own kids around sometimes and they are just 12 and 13. (Although I am with them ALL DAY so I just need a break sometimes).
LOL- you're totally right. I
LOL- you're totally right. I don't want her around. I never said I was happy either way. I need a plan.
BUT- provided there is a plan- I will and do accommodate. I don't appreciate having plans and then last minute scrambling bc SD decides to grace us. The details do matter.
At 14, it is more appropriate
At 14, it is more appropriate for he and BM to plan the visits. Putting it all on SD14 is giving her adult status. You don't want that, either.
I get that you hate BM, and probably with good reason. But to hate her to the point that your DH can't text with her about pick up times and visitation? That might be pushing into an area where you are being just as controlling as she is, so you might want to examine that. It seems pretty extreme. JMO.
One other issue that I see here is something that happens between me and my DH. If I were to say "I don;t want to hear about BM, she is dead to me" he interprets that in black and white. No middle ground. He is never to mutter her name.
So, if you DH thinks like mine does, then you are being unfair to say "Never mention BM to again, EVER" and then turn around and say "Why didn't you tell me she was texting you????"
My DH and I go round and round because he hears things so literally and can not make any type of adjustment for normal communication. He doesn't get that "I don't want to hear about her" means "I don't want to hear you go on and on about her, listen to you complain about her, or listen to you whine about how she is treating you" (especially when they refuse to do anything to change it!). All he hears is NEVER. MENTION. BM. AGAIN. Not sure if that applies, but it took me a long time to realize that was a huge part of our problem.
At 14, it is more appropriate
At 14, it is more appropriate for he and BM to plan the visits. Putting it all on SD14 is giving her adult status. You don't want that, either.
YES. I've watched my bf's 14 (almost 15) year-old son learn how to play both his parents because they don't want to communicate with each other. They blame things on the other parent, but often it's just son14 working his ways to get what HE wants. And they don't see it because they don't want to, because that would mean having a freaking conversation...
thanks guys... food for
thanks guys... food for thought.
I thought i was being controlling and just needed to hear it. I also thought, jeeeez, you can't tell him, "Don't mention BM ever" then get mad bc he doesn't...
I need wine...
I don't think you're being a
I don't think you're being a baby. The BM's I've dealt with have too thought that we need to drop every and anything we are doing to get the kids. Not so much as want the kids wants but when she is ready to have a break from them. Sorry BM, you should have called sooner, we now have plans.