I miss you...?
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BM informed SO that she doesnt feel he should be telling skids he "will miss them" or he "misses them". She is claiming that during a recent parenting class she was informed this makes kids feel guilty. Has anyone ever heard of this? I see where that might be true. However, SO is fairly upset with the thought of not vocalizing he will miss his kids to them. It seems a little over the top to me. We do alot of research and I have never heard of this!
Im not talking about calling
Im not talking about calling them and tellng them this. I am talking about when SO says goodbye on an exchange day and says I love you and Ill miss you.
I agree I just wasnt sure if
I agree I just wasnt sure if there was actual merrit to this. BM is claiming to have taken sever communication/parenting courses. I have just never heard of this whole don't say I will miss you thing! I am 2 weeks away from my due date and we just had a great visit with the skids.3 I feel like this is just another weird way for her to feel better about the situation... I dont knoe where she gets off asking for this or where her drive comes from but it seems off to me!
This entirely dependent on
This entirely dependent on how and under what situation the comment is made. Telling a kid you love and miss them when you are not together is far from manipulative IMHO. If ... the comment is sincere and not targeted to make the kid feel guilty. A non qualified "telling a kid you miss them makes them feel guilty" is bullshit.
The problem with parenting classes is that generally they are developed and taught by idiots who studdied some pseudo science drivel instead of getting a real degree that contributes to society and the economy.
You did research and found BM's comment to be crap. I have found that the pseudo science morons that present themselves as professionals that sprout this crap will wilt because they have no facts to stand on.
It sounds to me that BM feels guilty about the situation the kids are in and she is transposing her own guilt driven behaviors on to her children and your DHs relationship with them.
Just my thoughts and opinion of course.
So true! BM alienates and
So true! BM alienates and keeps the kids from DH as much as she can because unfortunately the CO is vague. We are in the midst of trying to get it changed. I am guessing that BM got the kids back and they where upset about leaving DH so she was bitter and brought this up :$. DH had to send a voice clip to SD looking for a friend's glasses of course the skids sent one back they sounded miserable!
If it upsets the kids? Then
If it upsets the kids? Then don't say it.
My ex used to say it to our kids all the time in the "I'll be so sad and lonely and miss you SOOOOO much", leaving them in tears. I'd only say "Yeah, I'll miss you, too," if they said it to me, then a smack on the butt and "Go have a great time with Dad - see ya when you get back!"
DH tells SD7 he will miss her
DH tells SD7 he will miss her at drop offs. In a light hearted, happy voice. He calls & doesn't really tell her on the phone when he talks to her. They talk about her day.
BM calls & does this really sad voice "I love you! I miss you sooooo much!" She doesn't even ask about SD7's day or what she's doing. The whole conversation is just SD7 comforting her mom.
I think it all depends on how you say it.
I agree so does SO... he says
I agree so does SO... he says that to them when he drops them off at school. He doesn't draw it out with "oooooo I miss you soooo much" just a simple "I love you and Ill miss you". He even ends with "behave for you mom and have a good time". I think she is going over the top which isnt a surprise from her!
>telling a child he is going
>telling a child he is going to be missed is not hurtful
UNLESS it's Mom saying it the ways you phrased at the start of your post? But if Dad says it that way...?
SD says it to FDH, soooo, I
SD says it to FDH, soooo, I guess she is alienating him?
>telling a child he is going
>telling a child he is going to be missed is not hurtful
UNLESS it's Mom saying it the ways you phrased at the start of your post? But if Dad says it that way...?
SO doesn't draw it out when
SO doesn't draw it out when he is saying goodbye on exchange day its a "I love you and I will miss you. Behave for your mom and have a good time". He talks to them over a voice messaging thingy or on the phone once during the 14 days he is away and will end the conversation with "I love you and I miss you, goodbye". I just dont see this as alienating or making skids feel guilty.
I dunno, depends on the kid I
I dunno, depends on the kid I think. I have a bio son (4). If I tell him when I drop him off at preschool "I'll miss you!" it DOES seem to negatively affect him. He's clingier, goodbyes take longer, and his teacher tells me it takes him longer to settle in after I leave. If I say, "I love you, have a good time!" things go a lot smoother. I'm sure not all kids would react the same way though - but who knows what BM has to deal with after BF says "I'll miss you" and hangs up? It's worth an honest conversation anyway, to determine if she sees anything negative going on after BF says it. And is it REALLY such a big deal to leave out? As long as you're still saying "I love you", I figure that's the most important part.
An honest conversation just
An honest conversation just isnt a reality with a high conflict BM. It has never negatively effected the kids even when she was doing it with them. Its a control play.
Haven't read all the replies,
Haven't read all the replies, but I HAVE in fact heard of this, and if it were BM saying it at every drop off people would be all "ooooh she's trying to upset them and make them worry about her"
And that is the exact reason it needs to be kept minimal.
It DOES cause kids to worry about the other parent, all that I have read (and trust me when I say that my reading on this step hell mess has been extensive LOL) says send them off with a kiss, a hug, and "I love you, have a great time with Daddy/Mummy and whomever and I will see you on Sunday (or whenever)" And also to let the kids know that you are having fun and living life while they are with the other parent so they don't feel that THEY can't enjoy their time with the parent they are with.
Excessive "I miss you's" send the kid the message that mummy/daddy is miserable the entire time they are away (kids cannot reason like adults - this is SO important to remember) so the kid thinks "If I am enjoying my time with daddy that's bad because Mummy is so upset sitting at home missing me, I should be upset and missing her too."
Does that make sense? I don't know if I am explaining it at all well (all very good to read something and get it, but summarising it a hurry as OH and SKIDS will be home soon and I want to be off here when they get here!!!)
I have read this as well.
I have read this as well. Think about it for a minute. Kids blame divorce on themselves. It totally makes NO sense to adults, but it does to them. They really do think that their parents' lives completely revolve around them. They are SO literal when they hear, "I miss you," or "I'll miss you," they really do think the parent is suffering when they aren't with them. Not all kids are the same, obviously, but you don't know what they're really thinking, either.