Is this an appropriate consequence?
My SD 12 is on the dance team at school and now starting wrestling. We had previously told her if she did not do her household chores, she would miss dance practice which could get her kicked off the team. She neglected her chores several times and received warnings...neglected them again...so she really needs to miss practice since we said she would.
I am considering changing the "miss practice" consequence to "lose the hair straightener". What do you think about this? She is 12 and is way too worried about how she looks...so this would be a big blow to her, but perhaps a better consequence than missing practice. Thoughts?
She uses that thing 3 times a day so it is only a matter of time until her hair breaks off...but she won't listen to me about that!
PS We have full custody and her mom has chosen to never see her, so I am "mom" and have been for the majority of her life.
I would take away the
I would take away the straightener. I think at her age, the dancing and wrestling are important. It's good that she's interested in extra-curricular activities now, and hopefully will continue in her teen years when she could just be hanging around getting into trouble. If it were something more serious, and more closely related (like not keeping up with school), then I would pull her from those things.
agree with this^^^^^ always
agree with this^^^^^
always take away the toys.....sweets, cokes, etc....you want to have a win win somehow.....punishment should be exactly that, but somewhow you choose the consequence that betters the child
your doing a great job ....
Hair Straightener will
Hair Straightener will completely work. Freak her out. SD15 is addicted to hers...Just have it disappear and when she asks why tell her and for how long. It will work, I guarantee it. But, let the drama begin.
Id almost say follow through
Id almost say follow through with her missing practice this one time, and then modifying the punishment. Seems unfair to change the punishment after the misbehavior. Either she's going to learn that what you threaten means nothing, cause you change it instead of following through, or she's just going to be resentful and more defiant if she feels your being unfair with a bait and switch on consiquences. Just cause you think its an equivilent punishment, doesn't mean she will. She will either think great, I got out of my punishment, or shell think you are over punishing her with something she wasn't informed about.
I would make her miss this one practice (as she was fully aware that would happen when she decided to misbehave) and tell her that from this point going forward, that the consiquence is losing the hair straightened for xxx amount of time.
On a side note.... Maybe as a general rule limit her use of the hair straighter to once a day.... Not as a punishment, but just a household rule.
I agree with the PP's. Dance
I agree with the PP's. Dance is something that is good exercise and keeps her out of trouble and teaches her the importance of self-discipline. The hair straightener is completely unnecessary and can be considered a privilege. Kudos to you for following through.
Yes! Take away what matters
Yes! Take away what matters most at home. She might hate it, but you know what.. She'll do what's necessary to get it back. If you continue making empty threats, she'll laugh at them.. If she isn't already.
I would also follow thru on
I would also follow thru on what you told her originally. Extracurriculars are always, well, EXTRA. If someoene cant manage their day to day responsibilities then they dont need to be doing anything extra.
Now that being said, I actually had this experience once. My dd's were both on a competitive cheer team. Had practice every Sunday evening. We typically did chores Sunday afternoon. Well, neither of my girls were doing their chores. I am repeatedly asking,telling, demanding and they are just literally ignoring me and choosing not to do them. I was hot! So I told them I wasnt taking them (I had already warned them of this consequence so they were aware of this possibility). I did not take them, they then decided they ought ot complete their chores. I also told my oldest dd-who was 13 at the time to call her coach and let her know why she would not be there. She refused. The next day the girls had gymnastics (same gym, same coach). My dd went in and immediately apologized to the coach and explained what happened. The coach told her that she did not blame her-that it was MY fault since I was her transportation and that I had also stranded two other girls I was supposed to take home without a ride (not even true). My dd actually wound up trying to defend me, but the coach was adamant that she blamed me. I ended up talking to her and saying that their responsiblities come first, the girls were told to call and let you know, but I stand by my discipline. I actually ended up dropping both girls out a few weeks later as i was soooo disappointed by the coach's reaction. I had really hoped that she would enforce that the girls need to be at practice BUT to also follow home rules so they are able to go to practice and give them some sort of consequence there for missing practice.
Needless to say, if you are going to make her miss practice i would at least talk to the coach and let them know what your thoughts are and see if you can get her on the same page.
Drop the dance class this
Drop the dance class this time. This is the understood consequence for not doing chores. And I would have her write a note to the coach explaining why she isn't at practice. THEN tell her the next time she forgets to do her chores she loses the hair straightener for one week per chore she missed. This gives her the heads up as to what she stands to lose.
To change the rule now leads to inconsistencies and in future you do not want her using your bait and switch as an excuse for her to do the same thing "I know I said I would be at Maries place but I changed my mind and went to Troys place."
And limit her straightening time for her follicular health. You are the parent per se so you get to make the rule.
Consistancy and standing
Consistancy and standing behind what you say seemed to work best for my bios. hmmm...my SD is almost 12...LOL I'm almost jealous of how "normal" your SD is. My SD doesn't care at all how she looks, doesn't have the ambition or desire to be involved in anything like dance team, and still rides in a grocery cart and demands to use dishes that are meant for a toddler. The only thing they would have in common is that neither one of them do chores...although my SD doesn't have any chores or any resonsibilies for that matter...the reasoning on that one is "she's just a little girl" :?
I don't know that I would
I don't know that I would call her "normal" lol. She has Reactive Attachment Disorder which pretty much means she has no empathy or love for anyone but herself=very difficult pre-teen to live with! Also getting ready to spend over $10,000 in therapy expenses for this spring. She is growing up WAY too fast and I fear she will wind up pregnant soon
LOL...If my SD had any
LOL...If my SD had any interest in boys (other than her father ewwwwwwwwww)I would be worried because her BM,GM, and aunt has babies at 14 and younger. One thing I do know is that if this happens to her...she doesn't have the life skills to care for a child
Thank you so much for all of
Thank you so much for all of the input, all great advice!
I think I will contact her dance coach who is a friend of mine to let her know what is going on, and then for the next occurrence, she will lose the straightener. I will also use the advice to limit her straightener use to once per day for her health...warnings obviously aren't working.
I had thought of her extracurriculars as "privileges" and that if I had to transport her, she had to help me out with chores in exchange. It was a good thought but keeping her from practice has not been very practical...so for the future, I think the straightener will work best.
Thanks again!!
I would stick to your
I would stick to your original punishment and stick to your guns like the other posters said. Good luck! My SS is 13yrs old, just LIED to DH, grandma and uncle about jumping on some old cars that my DH's family has stored! :jawdrop: 13 (14 in August)! He knows better and said that he didn't jump on the roof to his grandma (shouldn't be jumping on ANY car/part!) and to DH that he only jumped on one certain car (Lie). His uncle went outsaid and checked the cars after we left and saw foot prints and dents on all the cars, roofs etc.....got caught again! SKIDS just think that they can get away with ANYTHING. And then get pissed off at YOU for discipline! Wow!!! I cannot believe he did that!!!
She is not doing her chores
She is not doing her chores because she is doing extra-curriculars - not because she is straightening her hair. Punishment fits the crime.
If you keep changing it she
If you keep changing it she is NEVER going to
believe anything you say...
You should have stuck to your guns...
I wouldn't do chores either if I knew
I would get away with it.