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Steps vs Bios at Hospital for arrival of new baby

OptimisticMe's picture

Question for Moms that have step-kids and bios with DH: When you had bio #2 with DH, was your step-kid just as involved as Bio #1?

My SD (15) is about as difficult as you can imagine. When we had Bio #1 and Bio #2, SD was living with us and I had been raising her for 6 or 7 years. I was "mom", so when Bio #2 was born, SD was included just like Bio #1 was...they were "equals".

Fast forward to the birth of Bio #3...SD has been living with in laws for two years because she refused to follow house rules, she began to hate me because I parented her, thus ruined her fun. She stole from me. She called me curse words and hurt my bios (among many other things). So with this baby, I told DH I wanted time alone with OUR kids and the new baby before SD got to come in and meet the new baby. He agreed and it worked out... BUT

I saw a text today that was sent before new baby arrived where MIL told DH SD would be so hurt if she wasn't included just as much as our bios. DH lied to her and said she would be. Really? Why in the hell would SD rank with my bios? My bios were a part of the pregnancy every day...SD can't even remember their birthdays or even how old they are. Bios are my kids...SD has made it perfectly clear she is not my kid and doesn't want treated as such. SD can't have her cake and eat it, too...if she doesn't want the role as my daughter...she doesn't get to participate as if she is my daughter any more. When SD heard my mom wasn't going to pick her up at 5 in the morning to be there for the c-section, SD said she didn't care when she got there...she just wanted to hold the baby before anyone else as if that was her obvious right. When she did hold the baby she pointed out physical features she thought were weird or abnormal.

Am I off my rocker? I am so irritated everyone bends over backwards for her and never tells her she is experiencing the consequences for her actions!

OptimisticMe's picture

I appreciate your perspective...I just feel that someone that treated me like shit should not be number 1 in my hospital room. If she wanted to keep her place in our family she shouldn't have been such a little brat.

OptimisticMe's picture

I didn't say she couldn't be there...I just requested 30 minutes without her for the bios to meet the baby without the brat there. SD (and apparently MIL) feels she should be just as included...well she didn't want to be a part of our family so tough luck! She came shortly after my bios and it worked out without hurting her feelings but sometimes I just want to ask her why she thinks everything is about her!

TheLadyTremaine's picture

How can she look at her husband and tell him someone isn't welcome? Very simple...its HER birth!!!! She makes the call about where, how, who, etc. because she is giving birth. She never asked that he stop loving his daughter. I get that children can get very focused on the new baby and forget that there is a human being bringing that person into the world but as adults, it should be easier to remember. It is biologically important to the baby for bonding to be unimpeded and the flow of oxytocin continuos. Anyone who stresses a woman out should be uninvited.

Teas83's picture

I don't blame you at all. Your SD has chosen not to be part of the family so these are the consequences.

If my husband and I have a second bio together, our first DD will be way more involved in everything to do with the baby than my SD will be. That's just how it works in these situations sometimes. Your bios are full siblings with each other and will always live together. They will be raised in the same environment by the same parents with the same values. They will have a different relationship with each other than they will with SD because of this.

OptimisticMe's picture

Thanks! I have been curious about this. Even if SD hadn't treated me so badly, I wouldn't think she should be as involved as the bios that are there every day. The fact that the first thing she said about the baby is he has deformed ears and a weird hair line show how she is. Then she started screaming at my FIL and DH had to threaten to remove them both...God forbid the baby and I get the attention!

Rags's picture

Drama aside.... this is SD's sib too. If your desire to exclude her is punitive then I would suggest that you reconsider.

This type of event can be an opportunity to at least couch the drama topics and focus on the new baby and the role of all of the older sibs in that event. Rather than selectively exclude the SD you may want to consider letting MIL take all of the kids and it just be you and DH for the birth of Bio#3.

Take care of yourself.

OptimisticMe's picture

Her mom abandoned her shortly after we got married, she has a severe form of Reactive Attachment Disorder. DH and I have been married 10 years, we raised her for 8. By the time I had DH convinced something was seriously wrong with her, it was pretty much too late to "fix" her. She has had counseling and stays in treatment really only made her worse. Seems there is no getting through to her. She manipulates DH when he tried therapeutic parenting so none of that worked. She would attack the other kids physically if they were just a room away...kicked BS head into a wall when he was one. I said no more, that it was me or her but I would not allow my bios to remain in a dangerous situation where they (and I) feared her. DH has pretty much given up on her...he is beat down and doesn't know what to do. This is what living with RADs for an extended period of time does to makes you miserable and crazy. But our marriage survived, which is a miracle with a SD that was pinning us against each other.

onebright1's picture

**Am I off my rocker? I am so irritated everyone bends over backwards for her and never tells her she is experiencing the consequences for her actions!**

No you are not off your rocker.
This is one of those things I have never understood either.

Why are we considered "evil" and "mean" for pointing out and calling out bad behavior?
I mean, if you are going to act an a$$ in public, then I am going to call you an a$$ in public.
It's not my calling you an a$$ that makes you an a$$, Everyone who witnessed it already knows this. It's your actions and behaviors that make you an a$$.

OptimisticMe's picture

This seems so simple to us yet if you try to explain it to SD, or DH or MIL it apparently morphs into a form of rocket science lol.