BM, What the ****!?!?
Quick info before the problem:
BM got pregnant; the father was one of five different men. She moves in with one guy and he moves out after 1 1/2 weeks. Doctors told BM there was only 50% chance that her baby would be born, 100% chance of baby having problems if born, and only 30% chance that baby would be able to survive longer than 1 month if born. Her doctors talked to her several times about terminating the pregnancy. BM decided to have baby (this I can understand and have absolutely NO problem with).
January:
BM in hospital for a week. Baby is in stress with irregular heart beat. Doctors telling BM that the baby girl will have down syndrome, she is not developing properly, and showing signs of a heart murmur. BM told to take it easy and put on bed rest.
February 5 - 12
Baby girl born at 7:00pm!! She was taken by emergency c-section, 2 ½ months early. She barely weighed more than 1 pound. She was soon put on life support.
Thursday, February 11 doctors tell BM that her daughter’s kidneys are felling and she will have to decide to “pull the plug.”
Friday, February 12 BM keeps both sons (my SSs) out of school to be at the hospital to say good-bye to their baby sister. (Again, I can understand and there are NO problems).
PROBLEM!!!! Later BD and I found out -
Not only were boys at hospital all day on Friday, they were slowly watching their baby sister die. Friday MORNING doctors told the family that the girl’s kidneys had completely shut down and stopped working; the only thing keeping her “alive” was the life support. Slowly, the boys watched as their sister’s body swelled from fluid. Around 7pm they pulled the plug. 7:15pm the baby was pronounced dead. Sometime between 7:30 and 8:00pm: BM and her family FORCED my SSs (14 and 10) to hold their sister’s body. WHAT THE ****!?!? BM wanted pictures of all her kids together. While 14 yr old was holding his sister’s body (BM decided she wanted the girls to look alive), BM tried to force open the baby’s eyes. Each night since, both boys have woken up with nightmares of holding their sister.
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Comments
Holy God. I'm not one to
Holy God. I'm not one to judge the coping mechanisms of bereaved parents (maybe this was all her grief coming out in a weird way or something) but forcing the kids to take part in it is just cruel. I'm an adult and seeing something like that would mess me up.
I am sorry and I am not
I am sorry and I am not usually going to say this, but I really feel much compassion for her!!!
I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it is to watch a child of yours die. I think she was hurting and felt that maybe other around her were hurting as well. I know that my kids from another marriage would be really hurting if something ever happened to THEIR sibling. I would want them to say good-bye in a proper way. That is just my two cents. I never wish any harm on anybody, and I really feel sorry for someone who has lost a child.
oh my God. I am soo sorry
oh my God. I am soo sorry your SS's had to go through that. I would suggest get them to a therapist. That is something that is sooo hard to forget. My BioFather showed me pics of vietnam body canal deaths when I was around 5-6 and I had nightmares for a long time. my mom did take me to a therapist and it did help. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your SS's.
BD and I were fine with
BD and I were fine with everything going on. We even offered and allowed BM extra time while all this was going on. But when 14 yr old was sitting in the back seat of my Tahoe and started uncontrollable shaking and crying I was worried. Then, after he clamed down, he told us that BM forced them to hold their baby sisters body, I became angry. If BM wanted to hold her daughter, that is fine. BM is an adult and can make decisions for herself. But making the boys hold her is a different story. This just adds to the torture that these boys have gone through!! I had to take the boys to the doctor to get them some mild sedatives just so they could get through their sister's funeral today.
It is always hard when
It is always hard when someone close to you dies. But as a child, I would feel appreciation if I could say good bye to someone that was part of me. I am SO sad for anyone that has lost a child. My ex'es ex-girlfriend lost a child due to child abuse by a daycare worker. I never felt so much comapssion for a person. I would NEVER wish that horrible situation on someone that I didnt love. This actually makes me sad
THANK YOU FOR YOUR
THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!!!! We can use all the "extra" prayers that we can get at this time. They are seeing a therapist. They have been going to him for almost 3 yrs now. I called him on Friday as soon as I found out the boys had watched their sister pass all day. And again on Sunday night after the boys finally returned home. He also tlked to both boys on the phone Sunday night and Monday. We go to his office tomorrow.
Snowflake, I also feel some
Snowflake, I also feel some compassion for BM. She had a hard pregancy. But I do not understand her forcing the boys to hold their sister. That is where the REAL PROBLEM LIES with me and BD
I'm with you on that. I
I'm with you on that. I also have no problem with BM doing these things herself. Whatever she needs to do to cope with this trauma is her own business and none of us are ones to judge. But it's the involvement of the kids that's horrible. If she had offered to let them hold them and they had accepted, that's one things, but forcing them is entirely another.
I just cant imagine going
I just cant imagine going through that!!! I just feel real compassion for ANYONE who has been through that. When I found out that my ex's girfriend had gone through that... the only thing I could feel was a true sadness. And this is from someone who has has a BM turn his own family against him. I would never wish that even on that troll!!!
What scares me the most is
What scares me the most is that on Saturday, while SSs were with BM but on the phone with me, BM was talking to them in the background and saying that she has messed up her life. She has lost everything that ment anything. "The only thing left for me to do is end it all. T***Y (BF) is not your real dad so I need to take you guys with me." Before I hung up the phone BM had moved on to talking about having another baby asap
I haven't read all of the
I haven't read all of the responses..but here is my input. A friend of mine carried her baby girl almost all the way to term. She had a couple of weeks left. The baby was expected to be in good health and nothing appeared to be wrong. She lost her baby girl because the umbilical cord got wrapped around the baby's neck inside the womb and when the baby dropped it locked around her throat.
This was going to be her first little girl and she had to deliver her despite her lifeless body. I can't imagine what my friend was going thru, I can't imagine the pain or the heartache she felt. She also took pictures of her little baby girl with family members, including her sons. My friend also did and said a number of other things that maybe some would feel inappropriate.
But, losing a child, you never know what you will do or feel or say in that situation. I don't think there is any heartache worse than that. And my friend still suffers today. I will never judge a person's actions after the loss of a child....they are truly grieving and dealing with an unbearable pain and loss inside. Deep compassion, (regardless if I agree or disagree with their actions is irrelevant), is the only thing I have for ppl who have lost a child/baby.
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