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DH giving in... I am not impressed

justmakingthebest's picture

Last night DH and I were talking about SS15 and dates for Christmas. BM never responded to his last email saying that he would be willing to give up 2 days of Christmas break in exchange for Thanksgiving. So out of 5 emails he sent asking for her confirmation of dates she only responded once with "SS only wants to come out from 20th-27th because he has a dance and basketball practice". 

I told DH that tickets are already up $100 for 2 weeks ago when we started this crap. He asked me to just buy them today. Go with the dates she said because otherwise she won't put him on a plane. It's too late to keep fighting her for fair parenting time, he is already too far gone. 

He is so defeated. It just kills me to see him like this. I am so conflicted!!! Part of me is like "Yes!!! he will only be here for 7 days! Whoo hoo!!!!" the other part of me is going "Eff BM, Eff SS. The CO is the ORDER and we are going to follow it dammit."

Blah... I hate this. I know DH wanted to buy them today but I kind of want to see his SS takes the CO'ed call tomorrow.  SS hasn't answered the last 4. Maybe I can talk DH into texting him if that since he hasn't answered in 5 weeks, that he was going to buy tickets for the dates "ss wanted" but now tickets will be purchased for the court ordered dates instead. Sorry he is going to miss a dance and practice but DH isn't going to give up his time because it is obviously needed to reconnect with him since SS can't even spend 10-15 mins on the phone with him once a week at the time SS asked for in court. 

Comments

Picardy III's picture

I'm sure BM gets off on the power she has to jerk your DH around and leave him hanging. 

I'm so sorry :(. Is it an option to simply drop the rope on this visit, say "due to lack of cooperation and communication, I will not be taking my Christmas visitation this year"? Take her game away. And save your money and rollercoaster heartache.

justmakingthebest's picture

DH hasn't had his son for Christmas for 7 years (this would be the 8th). BM has had things in court tied up fo so long and refused to follow the order for so long that you wouldn't even believe it. 

We are long distance to make things worse. DH only got 6 weeks out of the entire year with his kid. 

shamds's picture

a neighbouring state. 

In the beginning when sd’s both reconnected after 5plus years being mia and passed out, they were 22.5 & 13.5. 

Hubby dropped everything like them and t was like a yo-yo with last min changes then changes again then never being on time. Classic hcgubm ammo... we had a 1 & 2.5 yr old at the time and hubby never considered their comfort and disruption to our lives.

eventually after i reminded him this was all some sick manipulative tactic and them saying run and hubby answering how far, they say jump and hubby says how high just further enforced and encouraged their behaviour. 

So we did our own things and planned our own getaways and they didn’t change for skids one bit. If they weren’t gonna be considerate then neither would we.. our lives went on.

over time you see skids when they abandon my husband and go no contact, they expect hubby to continuously contact them but he refuses to play that game. The sick thing is they can’t be bothered about him and neglect him when he works his arse off everyday but the moment they find out we are away, some non emergent emergency pops up and hubby needs to drop everything for them...  hubby just ignores it

exwife played the manipulative bs too long she thought she could control my husband like a yoyo until she realized “oh f*ck!! He has a hot sexy younger wife, 2 gorgeous kids vs my 3 feral useless rejects and good for nothing useless exwife” and still thought she could use those kids to manipulate hubby.

thing is hubby sees our 2 kids unconditionally love him to death... skids it’s temporary crumbs of attention dependent on the money and favours hubby sends their way... everyone sees hubby loving my 2 kids way more and skids have guilted hubby for that. They do not see how their behaviour has contributed to hubby not liking them very much

justmakingthebest's picture

Yeah, my DH has been really good at standing up to BM and refusing to play her games. That is why she withheld so much and so long. 

It is sad that my bios are the only kids DH has that treat him well and think about him in their actions and hearts. SS20 is somewhat excused due to his autism- he doesn't just not think about DH- he doesn't think about anyone. Relationships don't matter to him. He is happy alone. 

BethAnne's picture

I'm sorry this conflict is tough. I would let your husband do the ticket purchasing if you are not sure what the best thing to do is. That way it is his decision and his actions. 

BM has had years to perfect her assult on your husband's resolve and it isn't surprising that sometimes she succeeds and he will opt for the quiet life hoping that things will work out ok. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I really do think I am going to wait until tomorrow when DH is home to order them. 

tog redux's picture

Sometimes it's not worth the fight, I don't blame him.  You start to get worn down by this BS, and hopeless.  Honestly, my DH hasn't seen SS20 in probably 7 months now.  Some of it was COVID, but some of it is that you just no longer want to deal with a kid who disappoints you so much. 

justmakingthebest's picture

This all just sucks so much and no matter how much I want to disengage from this drama, I can't disengage from my husband. When he hurts, my heart hurts for him...

tog redux's picture

I get that, completely - so in this case, he just doesn't want to fight. Nothing wrong with that. It's his battle, let him choose the tactics.