I feel like I don't matter, and I am so sad
I don't know if this has more to do with DH or SD10 but I just feel so sad and I have no where to go and no one to talk to.
I just feel like I come last. Always. I will never be a priority. To anyone, for any reason. I feel like a nobody.
DH is a cop. I hate this lifestyle. I never see him, except for weekends until about 3pm. When he's home, all he wants to talk about is work.
He is also home on Wednesdays, but puts Wednesday nights aside for "daddy daughter day". No, in case you are curious, there IS no such weekly day for us as husband and wife. I am lucky to get a date with him maybe once every 2 months. His mom would gladly watch her so we could go out, but I guess I am not important enough.
He took some days off work. Thursday he made me go with him and SD10 to a college football game; he knows I hate football. The whole game he had his arm around SD10 while she looked at him adoringly and keep saying the babyish sounding "daddy, I love yoooou!" mess. THey chit chatted the whole time. I was the third wheel, completely ignored.
Last night, he made me go out to dinner with his cop friends and their wives. I tried to make the most of it but I kept trying to talk to the other wives and they were too busy talking to each other because they've been friends for years. So I sat in silence for almost 2 hours, bored and depressed but trying to fake having a good time.
Today, we went out shopping. After being out shopping for 5 HOURS I was exhausted and politely asked if we could go home. He asked why. I said that, #1, I'm tired, and #2, I wanted to do some jewelry making (a favorite hobby of mine). He yelled at me for "not wanting to spend time with him"...mind you, since Wednesday it's been all about him and SD10 and their wants and needs, and never once did he make ME a priority.
A few months ago was our anniversary. He gave me a necklace that symbolized that I'm a cop's wife. I faked excitement but the gift kind of made me sad. I thought, "Wow, you just wanted me to wear this to show others your profession? TO show I belong to you?" I mean it's not even in the style of jewelry I wear. I had dropped hints about several other things I saw out that I wanted--but he chose to get me this necklace. If I don't wear it, he seems disappointed. I asked him why it disappoints him and he said "cause I want everyone to know my wife is married to a cop!". So, even in our anniversary, I wasn't a priority--just property.
Well, emotionally and physically, I am tired. Just so tired. We both work full time, but I do every bit of housework. Every bit of cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, I take SD10 to school and pick her up...I am just tired. I feel like I do not matter.
I feel so lost in life. I feel alone. There are times I fantasize about what it would be like if I was just gone--I wouldn't kill myself but I have been so darn sad lately that I just feel like I absolutely don't matter. I am tired of crying secretly at night, crying my eyes out because I'm nothing but a paycheck and a babysitter. I'm not a wife, lover, and best friend. I feel used.
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Aww. ((HUGS)) Book yourself a
Aww. ((HUGS)) Book yourself a pamper day if it's possible, don't tell him, just go do it, go treat yourself, you totally deserve it!
I wish I could give you advice re your DH, all I can say is that he is a total douche for not realizing how good he's got it with you and treating you as you deserve!!
I am sorry too.
I am sorry too.
Darling, you need to listen
Darling, you need to listen to your feelings.And address them with him and see if that makes any difference- don't leave it all inside.You are under risk to slip into depression if you are not looking after yourself.
A short story about me- I dated 3 years a daddy with a mini wife-daughter.Although thanks to step talk I asked for some changes and he did some, one thing never changed- he always put his kid first.Plus he was moody and didn't listen to my feelings.Communication was very poor between us.I went to councelling even though he didn't wanted to come with me.I grew stronger, collected all my strengh - and finally left him.Of course it was hard and I was sad.But I had a great support system , my councellor, and Step talk.I survived.I felt suddenly huge relief that SD 8 was not in my life anymore.I felt also empowered and proud that I did follow through to get out of an unhealthy situation like that.
I moved on.I started even dating a lovely old friend of mine, no small kids, lol- he is wonderful and will take me to an oversea trip in November.I enjoy being pampered and looked after.I feel actually I am worth it.If this works out it will be great- but if not, I know I will be strong enough to be by myself.
I wish you all the best.xx
I just started to burst out
I just started to burst out in tears reading this. I just want to give you the biggest virtual hug ever!! I feel your pain and I really like MamaDucks suggestion. I will book myself in for a pamper, you should to!
xx (((((((HUGS)))))))) xx
I'm sorry you're going
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Does sd come over every Wednesday and EOW per court order? That's what I wondered right when I first read this.
I think you need to approach this from an angle that lets him know that you're not asking him to not spend time with his daughter, but he needs to make time for you as his wife, and do so calmly and in a non-accusatory way.
One thing I think while reading this is that these men need to find a proper balance. Most people do love their kids more than life itself and kids do benefit greatly from one on one time with their parents. I thonk sd should continue to get that (not always as a date though, but by playing board games, helping with chores, etc.) But the kids will grow up and move out. So taking care of the marriage is also a necessity. If he cannot find a balance that is fair to everyone important in his life, maybe he shouldn't be married.
^^^^Totally Agree^^^^
^^^^Totally Agree^^^^
Oh, this made me so sad. I'm
Oh, this made me so sad. I'm sorry you're feeling alone in a house full of people. That is truly a terrible feeling. Please please please go and talk to someone. Put your feelings into perspective so that you can decide how to move forward. You have needs that must be addressed. You must be important to your your DH and not just as an accessory but as his wife and partner in life.
By taking on all of the housework and limo service and not having any alone/quality time with your DH you may as well be a hired hand. I
I have a couple of good friends who are cops and a couple of friends who are married to cops. It's not easy. There is a special kind of "brotherhood" surrounding cops and their families. The hours suck, the schedules suck and everyone always feels overworked. You have to make a HUGE extra effort to find e time you need together. Can you ask hm if his mom can watch SD twice a month so that you can have date night? Can you reach out to his cop buddies wives to get together for coffee so that you can get to know them?
Please try to find someone to talk to and remember that we're always here.
Could this book also apply to
Could this book also apply to Ex-Military men?
Ok, a couple of
Ok, a couple of things.
First, I'm really sorry you're hurting like this. It sucks.
Second, your DH is trying to spend time with you, but it sounds like you want to spend time together the way you want, and he wants to spend it together the way he wants. You went to a football game and went shopping together. You think you aren't spending time together, and he thinks you don't want to spend time with him. You have different ideals and they are warring with each other. Perhaps you can have a discussion where you alternate whose choice it is.
Third, has he always been a cop? Was he a cop when you dated? If so, you should have known the life you signed up for. I have cops in my family, and I gotta tell you, it's not secret that it takes a special kind of woman to handle that lifestyle. They are also arrogant as hell...hence why you got a "cop's wife" necklace. They think they're the shit, and they want everyone to know they're the shit.
Some of this isn't going to change. It's what he does and who he is. The best suggestion I can make is to try to come to an agreement on spending time alone together. What happens if you just make the plans? You schedule something on a day off when SD isn't around? Does he refuse to spend time with you?
The guys I know are in a VERY
The guys I know are in a VERY big urban area. One of the largest forces in the nation.
I really hope you can do what
I really hope you can do what flipchip2013 is saying. It's hard for any marriage to deal with a mini-wife, having to deal with competition (and she really is competing for your role) in what should be your marriage is disheartening. I also know what you are feeling with the spending time we went through that also, I think I was so upset about little miss mini-me that when I finally got time I sabotaged it wanting me time not us time. Maybe y'all can find an activity you can do together, bike riding, hiking, movie marathons, cooking? I am sure there were things you both enjoyed when you were dating. What made my husband the happiest ever was (only because I lost a bet) I got scuba-dive certified, made him so happy he left little miss with my parents and he and I and all our other kids went diving in Cozumel for a week. Next summer he is taking me to a Sandal's resort in Jamaica for the honeymoon we never had plus diving. Diving was the biggest fear I ever faced but have found peace in and out of the water, little miss mini-me won't be old enough to dive for 5 years!
I am so sorry you are going
I am so sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve to feel this way. Have you tried to talk to him about it? I know you work full time and he does too and then you have the SD10 in the mix, so its going to be tough with his lifestyle but you shouldn't have to feel this way. I think letting him know how you completely feel might help. Do you have any close friends you can call when you are feeling so down? Are you close to your parents? Anyone you can talk to? Anyways I really hope this all works out for you.
It sounds like he is a little ate up in his career at the moment which is why I am wondering his age? If he is young, this is kind of typical. Cops want to hang out with other cops and its hard as a wife to fit in with the other wives at first, but if you go out another time with them, I am thinking it will get better. Older cops or cops that have been a cop for a long time don't typically act like this. They get tired of their job and what comes with it and they tend to not want to talk about their careers because they would rather be home. I know this from experience. Spent some time in that field. The older cops I would find would be not so much into being arrogant or wanting to talk about their jobs all the time. I found myself liking to be around those cops more. If he is young, he will become callused just like the other older ones and not be so into his job. I also know the work schedule is ridiculous which is why I got out. I value my kids and family time more then a job. Besides it wasn't for me and I personally could not handle if my DH was a cop. I just don't care for the lifestyle like you bring up. Anyways I hope it all works out for you.
What I am hoping is that you and SD10 have somewhat of a good relationship? If so that is at least a positive but at the same time, you should not be feeling this way at all.
Hugs sent! Just remember you have us to talk to! I found this site to be very helpful. Take care.
You absolutely deserve some
You absolutely deserve some ALONE time with your DH and yes, I do mean without SD. And there's nothing wrong with asking for or expecting that. Don't let anybody try and tell you otherwise.
You do need to have a talk with him, at a time where you're calm and able to be honest about your feelings. Nothing wrong with asking for your needs to be met.
Best wishes to you.
Thank you so much everyone.
Thank you so much everyone. To clear up some questions. SD10 lives with us full time, doesn't just come in on Wednesdays, but he always has Wednesday off of work and this week he took off Wed-Sat.
He is almost 40. No, he was not a cop when we were originally together. He had been one in the past, but he was working in retail, then did office work. Then he missed cop work and wanted to be one again. I supported him; I just had no clue how difficult it would all be.
Yes, I have tried talking to him. Multiple times. He goes into "cop mode" and points his fingers at me dominates the conversation. I am never allowed to speak or let him know how bad he hurt me; he does not care. He will sit there and watch me cry my eyes out and not flinch or react. Even when we are not fighting, if I tell him I've been sad about something he acts like he doesn't care that I am crying.
Today was a really bad day. SD10 and I accidentally woke him up this morning. He came out of the room and screamed at us for waking him up and told us we were "thoughtless" for being so loud...I'm telling you, we were not loud. We were talking in quiet voices. He is just a super light sleeper. We told him we were going to get out for a while, came back home and us coming in the house woke him up. He stormed out of the house without telling us where he was going or why. Stayed out for well over an hour despite that I called him and let him know that his daughter was very upset--she was literally crying so hard she was coughing and shaking. HE TOLD ME HE DID NOT CARE THAT SHE WAS CRYING. He told me he didn't care that I was upset. He said it was all our fault for waking him up.
He came home, yelled again, told me I was insensitive and ridiculous (all over accidentally waking him up). After he was finally calm I told him that I was so depressed I am going to counseling. Once again, he did not even show any concern that I am this depressed. I told him that every night I cry myself to sleep because I feel like a loser who can do nothing right. Same reaction.
I told him after I'm comfortable with the counselor, that he really needed to come to counseling with me. He told me he'd "look into it".
There are so many times when he is busy yelling at me that he will make threats or tell me to get out. Today, I asked him if he wanted me to leave and I have to be honest...a part of me was secretly hoping he'd tell me we were over, that I needed to leave. I just don't know that I believe he will ever change. I wish I could believe that he will change. But I do not think he ever will.
He keeps comparing me to his ex. Despite that I tell him I think it's unfair and very hurtful to compare me to his ex wife, he sees nothing wrong with it.
If he does go to a counselor with me, it will be a miracle. A welcome one, but still a miracle.
I am so sad and I feel alone. I don't really have any friends anymore. I wish I had some girlfriends worse than anything. But in the 10 years since graduating college all my friends have moved away and I guess we just drifted apart. So I have no friends. I have no social life. I just spend all my time on the internet trying to numb how sad and alone I feel. I call my mom a lot. It does help some. But I feel like I'm just a third wheel to my husband and SD10, and I want to have friends so badly. I used to be very social and had lots of friends. It's been many years since I've had a social life.
I appreciate all of you listening to me vent. I just feel horribly sad and very, very alone. I wish there was just someone, anyone, who saw me as being the most important person in their life. But I'm not #1 to anyone. Not to one person on this earth. And that makes me feel worthless.
OH hun, after reading this,
OH hun, after reading this, scratch what I said above! Its him! Its not you and its not SD10. I feel sorry for the both of you. Unreal how he treats you and how he treated his daughter too while she was crying. He needs to realize that you need a life and so does she.
Just a thought, but what about just hanging out and doing things with SD10 since she is ok with you? I part of me thinks she might be sad without you. Just a gut feeling. Anyways when my DH used to work a lot, my youngest SD at the time (no longer on speaking terms, sad but it is what it is) anyways her and I used to do everything together. It was like she was more then just a SD and a kid, we were actually kind of friends. She would tell me everything and I would talk to her too but keeping it at a kid level. We had a blast.
My advice would be if you are planning on staying in this marriage to spend your alone times with SD. If you are planning on getting out, maybe go stay with your Mom? Maybe that would help you get over him or maybe that will show him that you mean business. Do it before you get too attatched to SD10 though or you will be stuck. I remember having second thoughts in marrying my husband and I remember my young SD telling me she cant live without me and actually crying tears of happiness at our wedding.
If you need a friend you can feel free to message me on here anytime you want too. I often feel the way you do, sad. My sadness is mainly from being on no speaking terms with my SD19 (long story feel free to read my posts) she was the one I was so close to.
I also have lost touch with good friends too especially since we moved. Anyways hugs to you.