I am SO DONE with being a stepmom
My friends and family keep telling me that I need to basically just give up on trying to make these kids behave better. Obviously my DH is a lazy parent to say the least and is providing me no support unless I beg him for it. I have spent three years trying to show the skids some kind of structure, give them responsibilities and proper consequences. DH and I went to counseling last year for a few months and the counselor told him at every single session that everything I was telling him is correct. That he has to discipline his kids and follow through with it or they're going to be living in our basement when they are 30 years old. He "tries" for a short time then it's back to not doing a damn thing to improve his kids' behavior and attitudes. If one of them does something wrong or breaks one of my house rules I literally have to demand that DH do something about it and even then he doesn't do much other than a "serious talking to" for the millionth time.
But how do I let these nasty, disrespectful kids live in my house 50% of the time and not say anything about it? How do I let them sit around on their asses and play video games all day and say nothing when my kids are pointing out that's it's NOT FAIR to them when they have rules to obey and chores to do but the skids still get everything they want for doing nothing. DH only works about half the hours I do so he does quite a bit of the driving to sports and after school stuff and takes the kids out for pizza and stuff. But it's not a problem to take my kids as they are well behaved and mind their manners. I don't WANT to include his kids when I take my bios out or do something special for them because they do not deserve it. Yet he does not understand when I put up a fight about having to taxi his kids around or spend any time with them. And I have told him he doesn't have to do any of those things for my kids either if he doesn't think it's "fair". But truth be told he actually ENJOYS his time with my bios!!!
So how do I make a marriage work but disengage from his kids? I honestly don't know how that will even work but I need to do something before I lose my damn mind!! Last night SS9 was up at 3am blasting his TV and roaming around the house. We (I) have gotten on him about this at least a dozen times as he's waking up everyone in the house and also causing himself a horrible day at school because he's had no sleep. I get up and yell at him and as usual he just gets an attitude. He turns the TV off, throws the remote and stomps back to bed. DH wakes up and says "Is one of the kids up?" Yes, guess who. You better take care of this in the morning. Oh, he took care of it exactly like he has every other time. As they were leaving for school DH says "SS9 MrsMiserable told me you were up again in the middle of the night. It better not happen again." This is how DH handles them and this would be why NOTHING EVER CHANGES.
Well... i did see one easily
Well... i did see one easily resolvable issue in this post. You said he was blasting "his TV". That kid would no longer have a TV in his room...
I would have gone in to his room.. unplugged it.. and picked it up and taken it back to my room.. without a word. When he put up a fuss.. I would dead straight look at my husband and say.. "I dealt with the problem.. you want it dealt with differently? you better get to stepping and do it yourself first"
I think you can disengage as long as it isn't your own money/peace at risk... when the kid's actions spill out into the ability of the rest of the home to get their needed rest..someone has to step in.
My SD's used to bicker and squabble over electronics in the car.. they got so bad that I started to take things from them and hold them for the remainder of the trip.. I know they didn't like it.. but at least I didn't have to hear about it..lol
So.. the kid is chewing with his mouth open.. not doing well in school.. it's not your problem. He is keeping the family up at night.. sure.. make it stop.
I might be very crystal clear with your DH that at age 18, you expect all kids will be leaving home... including his.. so he better get started on preparing them now it's not fair that he isn't... to them.
You can't make this marriage
You can't make this marriage work as it is. Stop trying. A good healthy marriage requires two people on the same page with core values and parenting styles. Now there might be a few quirks that come along but basically on the same page. Until your man starts to invest in the marriage with you, you are alone. Have your tried making the relationship between you and him your focus of complaints? Complaining about the skids is going in one ear and out the other at record speed. Complaining about a lack of respect for you from him, not making or keeping your happy, whining/focusing on how little time you have for couple time is impacted becasue of the skid's behaviors might make a better impression on DH. Does his want to stay married to you? I would think so, it looks like you bring more to the table than he does. Make him realize that and rise to being worthy of your love. That is what happens after years of this lifestyle you have, a man who takes you for granted and doesn't pull his weight, which leads to desperate feelings. Its time for a change, only you can decide what that change will be.
If there is any way that you can get your bio kids to their stuff without relying on DH, do it. DH needs to feel the pain and discomfort of not parenting his children. Only you and your bios can provide that for him. Your bios asking HIM why things are the way they are wouldn't be a bad thing IMO.
Different parenting styles came up on my marriage too. Not an easy thing to handle but adults MUST rule the house.
You and H went to counseling,
You and H went to counseling, he did a half @ss job discipling the kids and went back to his same ole non parenting routine. You have spoken to him several times and its clear that he doesn't want to spend the time, energy and work to make changes in the house hold. He's not even meeting you half way and throwing you under the bus.
So how do I make a marriage work but disengage from his kids?
I don't know how long this arrangement will last for you, it all depends on your tolerance for BS because that's what your H is giving you. He's allowing all this. So the question I have is how long will you continue to remain in a marriage like this? It's not fair for your kids either and it's modeling a poor parenting dynamic that you don't want your kids to learn.
I'm not trying to tempt you
I'm not trying to tempt you however these are some things you have to look forward to when you free yourself from being a step parent......1. The very likely possibility of a future with someone who does not have children whom you can one day have your own children with whom you can love unconditionally without getting only conditional love in return and whom you can parent and raise completely how you choose. 2. No invasive weird exes and their drama as a constant presence in your life 3. No more having to put up with disrespect in which you can do nothing about their behavior 4. No more spending money and resources on children whom will resent you one day anyways regardless of no matter how good you are to them 5. No more being judged, feeling insignificant or feeling left out because of the simple fact you are not their parent.
5 yeses
for each point. lol. Too late for this oldie, but if you are 20-30's its really "game on", at this point.
It is never too late, ever in
It is never too late, ever in your 50s and beyond. Believe or not many people do not have children or many people have adult children who are grown, independent, out of the house and moved away and have their own lives. Not every man/ woman who is sinngle has children living at home or who are under the age of 18.
Quick point
She already has her own children.
I feel your pain.
I truly feel your pain. I am in a marriage where my DH is an enabler and permissive parent! His behavior alone shows you how his kids follow in his footsteps! Also, he has no respect for you and it shows, as he speak of you like you are the bad guy vs putting his god damn foot down and getting a backbone to being a authority figure to his spawns!
as of now, I'm separated, because of the same thing you are going threw. It was by choice because I can no longer handle how he parents and how his feral child has affected our marriage, along with his shit parenting style! I couldn't take it. I was a maid, I was ignored, I was completely taken for granted and unappreciated, and furthermore disrespected! I said fuck this shit and told him to take himself and his pain in the ass kid out of my home! I was done I had let it all out and I sent them off!
do I want my marriage to work? YES, but I need a serious change by his kid and him for that matter! I refuse to be disrespected and treated like I'm the bad guy cause he doesn't know how to parent and I refuse to be disrespected by my own husband to the point children gain adult status over me! Not in my home and not in my life ever.
i truly hope it works for you but I do know exactly what your are going thru