I am close to ending my relationship with DH please help
My partner and I both have children from previous relationships, I have a two year old daughter and he has a 5 year old son.
He lives with my daughter and I, and his son lives three hours away but comes most weekends.
It has been a long time now in our relationship and I have had my daughter in a strict routine right from birth, and I always have her in bed by 7pm so we get adult time at night, when his son comes the whole house routine goes pear shaped.
He refuses to sleep in another bed and refuses to go to sleep until daddy does and he must hug him all night, right from morning until night I can't have more than a 5 minute conversation with my partner because his son clings to him like glue and can't play independently for longer than a few minutes, my partner has been wanting his son to live with us for a while now and I am fine with it but all I have asked is that he starts setting some rules and boundaries including bed time schedules so when he moves in he can adjust easily.
My partner instantly brands me the evil step mother that dislikes his son which is totally untrue I just don't want to have his son here full time until he has practiced the new rules and adjusted.
We have been arguing so much lately over it that our relationship is on its last thread, I said to him today "We need to put us as parents first before our kids, how will we raise two very different children effectively when you and I are like the way we are, put us first instead of everything your son demands so we can work together on this".
Am I being selfish?
Not at all.You are right in
Not at all.You are right in that he needs to respect you and your wishes and not let his sons neediness interfere with your relationship.He needs to understand that you arent telling him to ditch his kid,just set some ground rules.And its imperative that the two of you be allowed alone time,especialy at night,so the kid needs a set bedtime where Daddy Dearest isnt going to come running at the kids every whim.If his kid is always going to come first than he needs to not have any relationships until said kid is 18 and on his own.Is that really what he wants?
You are not being an evil stepmother.You just know that your relationship needs nurturing and that cant happen if a demanding,needy child is always physicaly coming between you.I have that issue too and its hard to get my fiance to see that the kids are very important but if they are always more important than me then we have an issue.If theres no blood or intestines coming out of the kid theres nothing wrong with him telling the boy to go chill by himself for a bit so you can have a conversation.He shouldnt be OK with meeting his kids needs but not yours.
Hello to another Kiwi
Hello to another Kiwi Chick!
Honey, he is feeling guilty and wants his son to only have 'happy memories' about time with Daddy. Now this is all and good but VERY impractical. But this may work. Spend all your time with your daughter when he is around. If he wants to talk privately tell him it will have to wait as your daughter needs you. If he wants personal time with you tell him it will have to wait as you need to stay with your daughter until she goes to sleep and you are seriously thinking of getting a double bed for her so you can co-sleep with her as this is apparently the best way to be.
Then ask him how does his son cope at school without a parent always there. He will never be able to go to sleepovers or have friends to stay because no other child will be sleeping with him and his dad.
The accusations of bad step parent are because he KNOWS you are right but doesn't want to admit it. How about teaching the boy independence yourself? Ask him to help you make pikelets or help you make breakfast for Dad. Give DH a little shopping trip (for bread or something) and send him off with his son. Encourage him to take his son out for VERY energetic activities in the afternoon (to wear him out).
His father's job is to raise a healthy, emotionally intact and law abiding citizen. Someone who he can be proud of. Not a child who cannot function without instruction from an adult.
Is this behaviour a carry-over from his days with the boy's mother? As for the co-sleeping, you could ask him if him SS sleeping with the 2 of you is OK then he should have no problems if his ex allows SS to sleep with her and whoever is in her life. Usually the threat of another man sleeping with his son will make things a little clearer to him.
My personal belief is that
My personal belief is that weekends visits should mirror what living there full time would be like.
To do anything less is a facade of what the home would be like if the kid DID move in full time.
By bringing the son up the
By bringing the son up the way your daughter is, you are actually putting the kid's needs first. Maybe he should see it from the point of view that the children in one household should share the same routine? And that the routine you have for the baby is obviously better for a somewhat older child too than the one he has? Would he accept this better from reading a book or seeing a professional saying what you are saying but from a third party perspective? It would be galling to go there in that it would not address the issue of his disrespecting your view and roles, but it could be one way round the problem and then when he started to follow the routine, he would see the sense of what you say independently.
I think you expressed that
I think you expressed that very nicely.Not putting the adult rs first will destroy it all slowly.
Pointing at you as the 'bad guy" is unfair from your SO and shows that he is defensive and puts his child in front of you.That can't work though for him it looks like the easiest to continue what he does do (wrong) with his son.
You need to stay firm and read as much about step families etc.Poodle is right, finding as much third party opinions from professionals and experts in the field may help him to understand that there is nothing wrong with you but HE needs to do some changes.