You are here

Boyfriend's 12 year old and 8 year old sons sleep in the room with him when they stay over.

Cinran's picture

I am not a stepmother yet, but my 18 year old daughter and I moved in with my boyfriend four months ago after dating almost two years. My daughter is away at college in another state and comes home occasionally. The problem is that he won't allow me to share his bedroom, bathroom or closet on a full-time basis until he feels his kids are comfortable. I have my own room with all my stuff in it. I gave up my own house to move into his house. The boys are 12 and 8 and they sleep in the bed with him on the weekends he has them and whenever they stay during the week as well. Sometimes I come home from work only to find that the kids are staying overnight and I have been displaced from his bed. When I agreed to move in, he said this situation would be only temporary until the kids adjusted. I should add that their mother is living with a guy and has been doing so for two years. The kids sleep in their own rooms at her house. I have tried talking to him about my frustration with the situation on a few occasions but I have met with resistance. In fact, he told me he would make me move out if he ever felt his kids were uncomfortable with me. I am asking for advice because I am ready to call it quits and move out. I do not want to start to build up resentment for these kids but I can feel that it is starting already. Any suggestions?

thegoodwife's picture

I have to say RUN too. Sorry you gave up your home to move in with him but you need to go, it won't get any better.

My very best friend spent 15 years of her life engaged to a man who had 2 sons that slept with him too. And, the sleeping part was just one part of this man's controlling behavior when it came to his "boys". He had court orders that when the kids were visiting their mom they had to call him 2x a day. He strictly adhered to the visitation schedule, that met that when the boys got older, if it was his visitation time, they could not go to a party or do a movie night with friends. He smoothered them, so much to the point that they are now 16 adn 19 and socially backwards. He even insited they sit and watch tv with him and be around him constantly when they were visiting with him--meaning they could not go play their video games or be away from him at all. IT was with him 100% of the time. It was so insane that even if my friend was at the movies or at dinner with her BF the kids went too and insisted on sitting next to their dad so my friend felt like an outsider.

These boys of your BF should be sleeping in their own beds in their own rooms. This is sickening that this man would rather sleep with kids than his woman.


Based on the fact that he is allowing his kids to call the shots on whether you stay or in "if he thinks his kids are not comfortable" you will have to leave, that should tell you to RUN!! It won't get any better. RUN before you invest anymore time in this one-sided relationship. His kids will call the shots on everything. Your BF sounds a lot like the guy my friend was involved with. They broke up 3 times, back and forth nothing ever changed, his kids ALWAYS came first and called all the shots.

ChaiLatte's picture

If he is behaving this way now, his expectations for you to accept inappropriate sacrifices for the sake of his children are only going to get worse after you marry. He is making it very clear to you where you stand, and where his children stand in the household hierarchy. With you not being able to share the closet, bathroom etc. on a full time basis, I am wondering if something deeper may be an issue as well. Could your SO not be the one who is ready to completely commit? It seems like you are definitely more invested in this relationship than he is. His actions are also confusing me as to your status. You are being treated like a roommate with benefits, instead of a partner.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

soverysad's picture


"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

belleboudeuse's picture

"The problem is that he won't allow me to share his bedroom, bathroom or closet on a full-time basis until he feels his kids are comfortable."

Believe me, his kids KNOW he feels this way. Which means, they have absolutely no incentive to begin feeling 'comfortable." What kid in his right mind would give up the huge amount of control your BF has given them?

I agree with Soverysad. This situation can only end badly for you, I'm afraid. 65% of remarriages end in divorce. What you are experiencing is why. I would leave now, before you get even more enmeshed.



You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

soverysad's picture

I know just saying RUN is not productive in helping you, but seriously, you can't have a meaningful relationship with someone who tells you and lets his kids know that he'll kick you to the curb at their say-so. It is toxic and unhealthy to live in an environment where children rule the roost. Toxic for you and for them.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

MarriedwithChild's picture

Are you kidding me? Sorry but that is absurd. No way should you be treated like a 5th wheel, which is how you make it sound.

And the kids having jurisdiction over you? Never.I really hope you get out of this situation somehow before it is too late.Have you even brought any of these issues up? Was the response that YOU would have to go? Why? Sleeping with two boys too? BIG RED FLAG.


Smonster's picture

Cinran - my relationship started out the same way, SS slept with DH when I moved in. Although my DH never said to me, if his kids were uncomfortable he'd make me move out! IF he would have said that - I would have been gone in the blink of an eye and sometimes I wish he would have said it. My SS is one of the most spoiled children I know and you have TWO of them. If I were you, I would move on.

Cinran's picture

Thank you so much for responding. I'm so glad I found this site! Yes, I now realize what I am dealing with is guilty parenting. These issues weren't so obvious before I moved in because I was only seeing his parenting when we went on outings like hiking or bowling as a group. His wife cheated on him for two years with her current live-in boyfriend before my boyfriend even noticed something was wrong and by then it was too late to fix the marriage. She moved into a new house with her boyfriend sleeping in the room with her only two weeks after they told the kids they were getting divorced. On several occasions he has said how wrong she was for doing that and that he would never be like her. I didn't realize he meant that so literally!

Smonster's picture

I haven't seen that before Crayon, wish I would have read that 5 years ago and many other posts on here! So what do I do now? DH has all 9 of those descriptions. Geez I hope just one woman comes here and learns something before committing to a Guilty Dad.