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How financially responsible are you for your Skids?

Reznov's picture

(I posted this as a blog but realized it's probably better suited here)

I don’t feel like ss4 is my financial responsibility at all, but DH thinks differently.

Today DH and I were having a discussion about whether or not I’m financially responsible for ss4. I was surprised and confused when DH said that he feels I am ( :? ). How does he come to that conclusion?!

DH and I are going through a rough patch financially and as the primary breadwinner I’m responsible for a lot of the family expenses. But, I feel like any money that I contribute on ss4’s behalf should be voluntary. He’s not my child, so he’s not my responsibility. We have DS 10months that IS my responsibility and as such, he is my primary focus. SS4 has a mother (we split 50/50 custody with BM) and a father, they should be the ones forking over the dough for him, not me. I understand that DH is having a hard time right now and I want to support him in whatever way I can but it bugs me that he feels that I should be financially responsible for HIS child.

How do the rest of you STalkers handle finance issues?

IronRose's picture


Reality and legality.

Moral responsibility v.s. legal responsibility.

You have no LEGAL responsibility in reality. No more than you have legal rights regarding this child.

But, if you're like me, and you earn more than DH....well....if you choose to help, that is a choice, not an obligation. I pay the mortgage, and the taxes. DH pays the house bills. And I buy all the clothes, food and toiletries. It ain't fair, but that's the way it is.

Long story short, you already know what is correct. Your DH is DEAD wrong.

But, if you CHOOSE to help, you're a saint. Biggrin

iqrt's picture

I have my own daughter who is 2 and my SD6 and I do my best to try to treat them equally financially while they are in my home. I am NOT responsible for her medical expenses from her mom's house. I am NOT responsible for paying child support.

Legally, of course, I am not obligated to support SD6 at all, but I don't have a problem buying her clothes, paying co-pays for doctor's visits while she's with us, buying B-Day/Christmas presents and anything she needs at our house. At least not until she hits me with the, "That's it? That's all you bought for me?" complaints..

SpiderMom's picture


I feel like if you are married, you are a unit. All money and belongings ought to be shared. My husband and I have been this way since we moved in together 2 years ago and it has just helped so much for support and knowing we can depend on each other. Now I don't know your relationship with SKs, but I love mine and am happy to buy things for them. Even if I did not care for them as I do, I would still support my husband and contribute to "his obligations" as well. If you don't want to do it because you feel they aren't your responsibility, it may put a gap in between you instead of bringing you together, as you would want to be in a relationship. Work together. If you feel as if your husband ought to be bringing in more, discuss this with him and maybe there are some career options out there he can work towards. I'm just saying, when you're married, your obligations and troubles are his and his are yours. If you divide it, there is no stable support from your spouse or you to your spouse. It will make him feel more secure if you stand by him.

reallifedrama's picture

Well, personally, I think you still need to have some individuality. I don't think that sharing everything is a good idea. Becoming too dependent on someone is not at all good for you, or for the other person. Besides that, as an adult, we are responsible for our own choices.

That's like saying if my husband wants to by that new Audi (that he's driving me nuts for) and he ends up not being able to afford it, it's my responsibility! Hell no!

He and BM chose to have the child, they have to figure out how to pay for it just like I do for my own kids. My kid's BF recently passed away and I NEVER expected my husband to step in and take over the financial support for them. I do it MYSELF. Why the hell can't it be done with two parents in the picture?

"when you're married, your obligations and troubles are his and his are yours"---that's bull! There's no judge any where that is going to arrest me if my DH doesn't pay his CS. I made it clear before I got married, that I won't deal with "troubles" of baby momma drama. I think I'm doing pretty well not dealing with them to the extent possible (of course without getting divorced). Sorry, but I did not choose to penetrate that hell hole, and I will not pay for his services to her. I would have saran wrapped and double latexed her if I was him.

No, I'm not responsible for poor decisions that my husband has previously made, and I wouldn't assume responsibility for any he chooses to make now. He is an adult.


SpiderMom's picture

And everyone does things their own way in their own family. When my husband wants something, or I do, we discuss it and figure out if/when we can afford the item and we work together to achieve it. That works for us but hey, we are not everyone. It's not about a Judge making the decision, it is about a personal relationship and supporting the other person in that relationship. I cannot look at my husband and tell him he is on his own when he needs me or even if he didnt-still my husband who needs his wife's support.

I am glad that I did not have children too early, but I do not punish my husband by leaving him to it on his own. That's why he has me-so he does not have to go through things alone. (Not at ALL saying that you are doing anything else, just stating what I think.)

Different things work for different people.. I just am old fashioned when it comes to marriage I guess..

reallifedrama's picture

Well now, I wasn't there to discuss him having his kid, so that comment doesn't include me...were you there when your's made that decision? We didn't discuss it, and we didn't work "together to achieve it".

And, your husband doesn't even pay CS, so why are you talking to me like you know anything about anything?

Go scrape together $20 from your sofa cushions and share it on BK for your SK's and stop giving out advice that comes with absolutely NO experience! UGH!!!!

dledden's picture

I need my husband to read this. SS9 lives with us full time. dad is the breadwinner, so that's fine. HOWEVER, skid has a drug addicted welfare living BIO MOMMA. She sees the kid twice a year maybe. Thing is she lives on WELFARE......she GETS FREE FUCKING MONEY FROM THE STATE...but DH is an ASSHOLE and has never gone to court to get his LEGALLY DESERVED CHILD SUPPORT from her ass!!!!!!! Now i'm stepmom to this kid and I only work part time so I can be here for ALL of our kids. Why should the kids fatass drug addict mom get to leave her crotch dropping and get of SCOTT FREE!!! Hubby thinks she's poor and it wouldn't be worth going to court cuz we'll get nothing anyway. Aka: HE'S FUCKIN LAZY.... i said i bet we get AT LEAST 100 bucks a month. And guess what, that will pay my entire cable bill plus one takeout dinner PER MONTH.......i just got some money gifted to me, hubby wants a new street bicycle. so i'm going to buy him one, under ONE condition: he takes BABY MOMMA to court for CHILD SUPPORT!! I deserve that money for all I deal with concerning her kid!!!

SpiderMom's picture

I would tell him that(in nicer words lol). It makes since-she would do it to you I'm sure! If there is an option that could take some financial stress of your family then there is no reason not to. I would just do the work for him. Get the forms, fill them out, and just have him sign them and make a reason to go somewhere near your court house and just "drop them off"

icanttakeit's picture

Skid is in no way your financial responsibility. Do you have joint accounts? If so, you need to separate your accounts and split up the bills fairly according to income earned. Then, whatever money he has left over after paying his share of the bills can be squandered on his kid if he chooses. He will come around. Mine did.

Maroma1984's picture

Being married to my husband , I feel like we share the burden of the financial situation of the stepchild. Though , we have joint checking and cover everything together.

Thankfully , the only thing we pay is child support and insurance. My husband isnt the kind that wants to take his daughter out and buy her tons of shit and waste money on her. That's what child support is.

hereiam's picture

He should have his own emergency fund for exactly this reason.

When my husband was unemployed and paying CS, he used his savings (which he had thanks to me anyway). Had that run out before he got a job, I probably would have paid his CS so he wouldn't end up in arrears, but he would have paid me back. It never got to that point so it was never even brought up. I'm not sure if he would have asked me to pay it or not.

SanAntonioSoccerMom's picture

My husband and I pay 100% for my SS's costs...everything. He makes about 10x more than me no it is not really an issue as his income covers everything and then some...

WTHDISUF's picture

No, I don't feel any responsibility to anyone else's child. Hell, DH doesn't even have a real responsibility to SS8. He's someone else's seed from an affair so anything DH does for him is Voluntary in any regard. Yet Wildebeest (BM) is always asking for $$ but is not at all going after the REAL Dad, claiming he'll never know the boy exists. So I've recently put the squash on all of the asking and getting of funds that come from our home, our accounts.

IIIIIIFFFFF we were doing particularly well financially and weren't saving for anything crucial and the kid had a real need for a bonafide reason, then okay, I would help in that case even if DH didn't have the $$ as we are a unit. BUT that's strictly out of love for DH who took on this crazy role however, I would never consider myself (and neither would he) Actually obligated or responsible for that kids financial needs.

bananashake's picture

I normally don't get involved in my BF's dealings with his ex but I've wanted to tell him to file for CS. He has sole custody of his kids. But she's a welfare case, jumping from BF to BF, no 'real' address...and seems to have fallen off the face of the planet, kids havent seen her in couple months.

Anyways what are his chances of filing for CS and is it even worth it since she gets welfare (honestly how much is he really gonna get??). Anything for him to take the sting of paying for daycare out of his pocket, it's $1700 a month for two small ones and he's still waiting for subsidized daycare to come through (if ever).

YoungStep's picture

You didn't lay down to make that baby, girl dont you be payin for that baby! Obviously your not going to deprive skid food or water, but if he wants her to go to college or she needs over-priced clothes or toys thats all on DH and BM!

CaveCanem's picture

I cover the kid on my health and dental insurance. My husband was ordered to cover it, but I carry the insurance for the family, and after doing the math, it's actually much cheaper for me to cover him. Never got a thank you or nothing from the BM--actually she blocked us from the insurance (yes, you read that correctly), screamed in court that she ONLY wanted my husband to cover the insurance--nevermind that I have the best insurance in the state. She actually wanted to stay on state aid! The judge laughed at her and told her oh well, take the insurance that I'm GRACIOUSLY offering. Can't wait until the remod because she has acted the fool about this insurance. She's completely ungrateful, totally entitled.

blessedwithstress's picture

This is something my DH and I struggle with constantly. We don't separate our finances. Everything goes into a joint account and I do all the bookkeeping and check writing. I used to cover them under my health insurance because I was a) the only one who had insurance at that time and b) because it didn't cost any more than covering our own BKs. The skids are teenagers. SD17 is going off to college soon. The only time it has ever really bothered me to support them is when it puts us out financially. DH pays more than his fair share of CS (and then some...but that's another blog post). We have our own BKs who are 4 and 6. Our BKs have missed out on some things because we can't afford them thanks to the financial burden imposed by the skids and their greedy BM. Just within the last year we have had some big arguments about all the 'extras' that DH pays for that I think CS should cover. We finally agreed that CS comes out of the joint account and anything above and beyond comes from his personal 'fun money'. Perhaps if it starts stinging enough when he forks over his fun money to that b*tch ex-wife of his, he'll learn to stand up for himself.

Swim_Mom's picture

DH and I have totally separate finances. I would not spend a dime on stepkids - why would I they are not my kids! I just cannot relate to how anyone could feel financially responsible for someone else's kid. 

It is a good thing we each have financial resources on our own, because I guess you aren't really tested until there is an issue. But if DH could not pay for SS or SD's, (2 daughters are totally grown, 1 is in college and SS is same age as my youngest, 14) he would just have to figure it out. I've worked hard in my career and made sacrifices, and only my 3 children will see the financial rewards of this. My ex has pretty much defaulted, and though I'm proud of my accomplishments I'm already resentful that I'm punished for always living within my means, saving, working hard etc. when dumbass ex made stupid choices and I have to pick up the slack.

I do have Skids on my health insurance due to the fact it does not cost more to have additional dependents. That is all I'm willing to do for them financially. Bitch BM should be thanking me. DH and I had it out due to one of his own daughter's lack of gratitude on this - not sure if she really understood she was not entitled to this but he did get her to send me a text thanking me (she takes an expensive medication that is free under my plan, so I've saved her thousands per year) - she's now aged out but the other three are still on. There is my financial contribution to the Skids.