What do I do with a bio mom with zero boundaries?
I really don’t know what to do. I’m struggling a lot lately and have no where to turn. I love my husband and my step kids but sometimes it’s just too much. Back story: we don’t have primary custody but have my ss the majority of the time. His bio mom just doesn’t want him it feels like. He will sit and squal just because he hasn’t seen her in a while and she never calls. On the flip side of that when she does come around it’s always crazy because she has 2 other kids and she ends up dropping them off too. They are about 10 years older and aren’t respectful at all. She is always crossing the line and calling my husband to talk for over 10-15 minutes and telling him how much she still loves him. Once she even came to bring my ss lunch while I was at work (my husband works from home and he’d asked if it was ok that she bring lunch and see him) and ended up bringing pork chops for the grill and they all swam in the pool. I got extremely upset. I’m always being called the bad guy by her and talked badly about by the 2 other kids. I’m trying to be fair but I truly feel like I’m being walked all over and my husband just states that he doesn’t want to talk about it or tells me that he’s the one stuck in the middle and he doesn’t want to hear all the nagging from both of us. When he tells me that, it feels like he is putting me in the same category with her. I just don’t know what to do. I am the breadwinner in the family as he is doing a start up business from home. So not only do I take care of my ss but I also pay the child support even though we have him most of the time. I really want to go back to court for custody but he’s worried we won’t win again. But we are literally at her beck and call because if she gets mad at us she will take him and we will never see him or know that he is ok. She works awful hours and can’t afford daycare so she’d most likely leave him with the older siblings who can’t even take care of themselves. I just don’t know what to do. Can someone help or give me some advice? Is this even normal? I’ve never been married and I really just don’t know how much longer I can feel like this.
This is not normal
Your situation is not normal. Read around this site and you will see the phrase, "You have a DH problem, not a BM or Skid problem." You have a big DH problem.
It is not in any way normal for you to be watching 2 of BM's kids that aren't DH's kids. She should not be dropping them off.
DH should not be talking to BM on the phone about anything that does not directly involve SS. He can end the phone call when she veers off topic.
Obviously, BM should not be at your house grilling dinner.
If DH is working from home, he should be taking care of SS all the time. You shouldn't be doing any care taking unless you want to.
Why are you paying child support? DH should have taken that into consideration before he quit his job for his "start up." When will he start making money? If it is not in the very near future, he needs to take on a second job to cover child support.
And you are right, DH is putting you and BM on the same level and treating you like you both have equal importance in his life. That needs to stop right now. He is married to you - you have the power to make his life miserable. Who does he want mad at him - you or BM? If he fears her more, you have a real problem.
Read around this site and you will get a feel for what is generally considered acceptable behavior by DH's and BM's. Consider marriage counseling. If DH won't go, get some therapy for yourself so you can understand why you are willing to let your DH treat you in such a disrespectful manner.
Welcome to the site!
Sorry to say, but if you make yourself into a doormat, you will be walked upon, and this is what is happening. We get some extreme situations described on this site, but yours is taking "being used" right up to the next level. You need to take decisive action to free yourself from this situation.
The lack of boundaries and
The lack of boundaries and structure in your seemingly out of balance marriage are more than I would be willing to live with. What are you getting out of it?
If your H isn’t able to pay his bills (including c.s.) then he needs to do what lots of small business owners do and get a side job instead of a sugar momma.
You have financial leverage, so why not use it? Open new accounts, separate finances, and cut off the money supply. Then see if you’re H is willing to renegotiate.
Stand firm, girl. This is b.s.
You are working and
DH and BM are playing in the pool ???? The one he had sex with for years ?? Talk about being used, you can not be used more than that. I would not put up with that fun group. Dump them all. Send SO back to the EX.
I think you need to shore up
I think you need to shore up your own boundaries with DH before you start pointing the finger at BM.
what is in this for you?
You're the breadwinner and pay his CS? And everyone complains about you? And the BM has other kids not even DH's and she brings them to your house?? Sorry I just have to say it - you're a sucker and a doormat if you're staying in this situation. You teach people how to treat you. This situation is utterly absurd. Dump his useless ass and run.
It's not just BM who has no
It's not just BM who has no boundaries - sounds like your H has none either. I personally could not live with what you describe, and there is no way I'd be paying his CS so he can be working at home frolicking with BM in the pool. Unacceptable on sooo many fronts. I'd start outlining the changes H needs to make so that you're not being treated like the golden goose doormat. You have the leverage right now - use it.
Yea, use the leverage now
Yea, use the leverage now while you have it. After he's been supported for too many years he can leverage the threat of alimony.
^^^THIS^^^
is SUCH an important aspect to consider. You must protect yourself financially, OP. Maybe a consultation with an good divorce attorney would enable you to make informed decisions about your future? Please be smart about this.
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OK, here’s what you do. You
OK, here’s what you do. You tell your DH straight up that you will no longer tolerate this situation. You do not want BM in your home for ANY reason (if he doesn’t get it, ask him if he’d like you to invite someone over who is still making a play for you). BM is no longer to be allowed to drop off any child at your home who is not biologically related to either you or your DH. If he says he doesn’t want to talk about it tell him that’s too bad because YOU intend to finish what you have to say and that it isn’t in his best interest to run away from it.
Tell him that he IS going back to court to have the custody amended to reflect reality because YOU are not going to pay HIS CS to a woman who does not have the child during her allotted time. Also, you ant to know what his excuse is for letting BM whisper sweet nothings in his ear and badmouth you – aren’t you his wife? Isn’t he supposed to be on your team? Des he want you to explain his vows to you again? Remind him that he is only “stuck in the middle” because he just loves the flattery and attention he gets from his ex. Remind him that she is in his past and that you are in his present and that if he can’t get his mind round that then maybe you should just leave him to her.
Point out that she is NEVER going to take the child away from him because he is a far too convenient babysitter for her. Where else would she find free babysitting for her THREE kids? Tell him to go fetch is balls and start behaving like an adult.
Stand up for yourself. If he hasn’t got the guts to assume his responsibilities as a married man and husband then it’s probably time you withdrew all assistance. Stop paying his CS for him. Let him find a way of solving that one. Right now he's a miserable apology for a husband and I woiujld be rapidly losing any respect I still had for him.
Oh, hell no.
Oh, hell no.
Poor man stuck in the middle
Poor man stuck in the middle with his ex wife catering to him and his current wife supporting him. Don't know how much better it can get for him.
Nope
Give that woman back her family. All of them- the older kids that don't bear your DH's genes, the SS11, and your DH included!
And be glad to be rid of them!
Life is too short to live with these headaches!
What exactly are you getting
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? Your SO is far from being your equity life partner. He is having an ongoing emotional affair with is X, does not have the balls to put her in her place and stand up for himself or you, he tolerates her using his new family as her beck and call day care, and .....he gaslights you with the perspective that you are as much of a problem as his X is.
Now for you. You are his sugar mama, daycare provider. WTF! Grow some lady balls, dump this turd and his shallow and polluted gene pool, send him packing back to his X and move on with your life. The only place that his non man and his baggage should be is fading in the rear view mirror of your life.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.