I want to be supportive but...
Forums:
So here's the problem: DH is currently in school. So far the scheduling has worked out perfectly and DH has been able to sign up for classes on days that we don't have ss4. Next semester he has a class that's on a day that ss4 is supposed to be with us. Does this mean BM should keep him on that day or am I volunteering for babysitting duty?
I totally support my DH on his journey to a new career (in fact, I'm the one who encouraged him to do it) but I don't feel like I should have to babysit ss4 while DH is in class. He does not come to our house to spend time with me. If DH isn't going to be there should ss4 be there?
Can your DH eat dinner with
Can your DH eat dinner with SS and then drop him at BM's house on the way to class? An arrangement like that might work
Unfortunately not. DH goes
Unfortunately not. DH goes straight from work to class, which leaves me to pick up DS5months and ss4 from IL's house. DH basically won't see ss4 at all that day because he'll be in bed by the time DH gets out of class.
Depends... I rarely ask DH to
Depends... I rarely ask DH to watch my bios - I don't feel its his job. If its something like a one off situation, maybe, but if its something like Every Tuesday, I would make other arrangements.
So, when DH asked me to help out with the skids... I was not thrilled but I am here to support my husband, unfortunately, me being supportive has turned into DH dumping his responsibility onto me and I am currently trying to dig myself out. I woke up one day realizing I spend more time with the skids than either bio parent does and I don't want to - they are not my responsibility....
So... the answer to your question in my experience is, BM should watch her own kid.
^ agreed. I established the
^ agreed.
I established the boundary with my DH that he is to schedule having his kids when he is available to watch them. I am not, and will not, be used, nor do the children come here to see me.
If this were my situation, I would respectfully request DH to schedule having his kid when he is available to spend time with him. Put a nice little spin on it: that you're concerned that the lack of Daddy-Son time will have a negative impact on the kid (it will).
Visitation isn't just about spending time in Dads house. The time spent between those walls isn't what is important. The time spent with Dad is what really matters.
If BM isn't willing to be flexible, then he either changes his class schedule or for-go's the time with his son.
Might I just add: from a Women's Lib perspective it's really interesting that a MAN is now faced with having to make sacrifices to his educational and career goals in order to be a caregiver to his child. I've got to say, I'm loving it. Women have been doing it for centuries. We made it work without the help of men. So too can he make it work.
I disagree with 3families,
I disagree with 3families, since I don't see at all that BM should babysit ss4 on HIS designated care days.They are separated and she does not need to support his career plans anymore.However, just expecting you to take care of him is unfair, too.
To my mind, he has three choices- swopping a day with BM, provided she is happy with that arrangement(Just expecting her to babysit on HIS days is totally wrong- it needs to be a fair deal!).Or finding a fair arrangement with you- this means to talk through openly what he would like you to do and if this could work for you.In all fairness, signing up for that course without discussing those things wth you is wrong, wrong , wrong!If you dont feel comfortable to babysit his 4 year old son every week you should tell him that.Some of us are feeling ok about those arrangements, some others don't.Whatever you feel is ok- looking after a 4 year old is full on and exhausting.
I think solution no 3 could be the best- finding a care arrangement for ss4- kindy for example.If SO wants ss to stay at home he needs to find ways to look after him himself or at least have the guts to discuss things with you.If he wants you to do it he is asking you a HUGE favour, just saying.