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How do YOU deal with a high conflict BM?

abugandabean's picture

I complain about BM a lot on here but she is completely relentless. There are boundaries in place, FDH has texting blocked from her, there is a court ordered custody schedule and child support however that doesn't stop her. I really wish they could do OFW but she won't agree to it.

Last week alone before he blocked texting and when I say he blocked it I mean he just told her he did. We've done this before and she stopped texting him, but I need to call our carrier to see how to block just her. Anyway though last week alone she sent him over 100 ranting texts. She is so jealous of our relationship and our family and she will never put it to rest.

I am the type of person that takes everything to heart. I see my FDH not having the most productive relationship with SD because of BM's harassment, anger, etc. I know he is resentful of the situation she trapped him into a pregnancy. That is all neither here nor there though it takes 2 to tango.

I've been told to just ignore it, ignore her, etc. FDH does an excellent job of putting me first and not allowing her to come between us and taking my advice but I can't take my own advice. She is the most unreasonable, irrational person I've ever know.

Do any of you ladies have trouble just ignoring the BM? Do any of you have trouble bonding with your steps because of it? I have trouble having a relationship with my SD because of her. She has threatened to call CYS on me because SD came home with a diaper rash and this was somehow my fault. She's accused me of sexually assaulting SD because SD was laying on her stomach and put a doll under her pelvis and slept that way. She's threatened to call CYS because TODDLER SD had bruises on her legs. I am scared to even be around SD because she may get hurt and I may be charged with child abuse. She will stop at no ends to make my life a living hell and I wish I was a big enough person to figure out a way to not allow that to happen.

This has effected my relationship with FDH and my SD. I know it's not his fault and I respect what he's doing with her because he really does try and you can't control someone like her.

Unfreakingreal's picture

You are so right Echo. Every time my son tries to play the "it wasn't my fault, it's not what I wanted" card I look him dead in the eye and say "Then you should have wrapped your friggin' pecker because I don't think you did, because if you HAD, there would be no issue right now!"

abugandabean's picture

I agree with that too. Like I said it takes 2 to tango. I often wonder if things were as bad as he and everyone said that they shouldn't have even been having sex but whatever he did what he did and he made his bed now he can proverbially lay in it!

Cozy's picture

Agree 100% with Echo - no one is ¨trapped¨ into having kids with someone else. My DH didn't magically float in through BM's bedroom window in high school and watch helplessly as his pants were whisked off and he was forced to impregnate her. Just like my DH, your SO CHOSE to have sex with BM, and so gambled with the possibility of pregnancy, infection, disease, etc. etc. Time to man up and take some responsibility for his actions. Unfortunately that means dealing with his ex and his SD, by himself if need be(in your case it sounds necessary).

somedevilishbeauty's picture

You need to keep records of every time she threatens abuse charges on you. That way if she ever does they will see the crazy you will have deal with when it comes to "abuse" You cant live in fear of this women or being afraid of "if" this kid gets hurt on your time. Kids will get hurt and bruises all through there life with out being "abused" or "neglected." As for your Title. " How do YOU deal with high conflict BM?" the answer is YOU don't. DH needs to take care of it ( which sounds like he does try to) Get it in a court order the she needs to stop her shit now ( well put in better words) Then hold her in contempt if she doesn't. YOU can't let this lady bully you or worry you. That stress is not good for anyone.

Drac0's picture

Shameless plug

http://www.steptalk.org/node/133433

I wrote a series of blogs where I used "Sun Tzu's Art of War" in helping me and my DW on dealing with her ex who - to this day - still gives us never ending grief.

Effie_C's picture

Yes me! Everything you said pretty much. I am far too thin skinned, take everything to heart and can't seem to stop myself from obsessive thoughts when a big BM-related incident occurs. I read what Echo and others say above - about not letting her occupy headspace - and I know it's so right. I even manage this for short periods of time, but then she does something and it all kicks off again in my head.

Any practical suggestions for not letting someone inside your head like that? I know part of it is down to the kind of person you are and your strengths and weaknesses, but I'll read/try/do/work on anything. BM used to email and text me directly - horrible stuff. I would ignore it, but it would still distress me. I have her blocked so she can't ever contact me directly again now, but she's so high conflict. I see it through her interactions with DH and reports come back from her kid/my SD. I don't ask for these - she's just full of stories about "mamma started crying because XYZ and then she was shouting" etc... How do I switch off and detach from that? Are there methods of disengaging from a crazy BM?

abugandabean's picture

Very good perspective Echo thank you! Luckily I have a no contact order that was issues by my local police department after over a year of harassment so she doesn't contact me directly but she definitely does things indirectly.

Letting her win anything in my life is not an option for me.

Cozy's picture

I was lucky enough to get a whiff of BM's batshittedness before I married DH, and so avoided getting involved with her personally. She doesn't have my phone number, or any way to reach me for that matter. I stopped riding with DH to drop-offs over a year ago. I've found that not having to physically SEE BM has been really helpful in removing her influence from my life.

Dealing with BM has been hell this summer, but I remind myself that her anger and craziness is a direct result of her own miserable life. Being a 24/7 megabitch is tiresome and life-consuming, and not something that comes from happy, well-adjusted individuals. Just remember that something must seriously be eating away at BM to provoke this kind of behavior. I refuse to play her childish games, and the fact that she still tries to mess with us just makes me pity her more. Consider this - she spends her life trying to make you as miserable as she is. How PATHETIC is that?

Orange County Ca's picture

Drop in your county department of child protective services (CPS) and tell them what's going on. Tell them you don't want to make a complaint or have them take action but just make a report and a file so if she does complain you'll have pre-empted it.

Rarely does a robber come in and tell the police that if someone robs the corner liquor store it wasn't him. By creating a file ahead of time you're showing CPS that you've got nothing to hide or worry about.

Then have your husband tell the BM during one of her rants that you've been to CPS and they assured you that there is nothing for you to worry about.

The advise by others to get a court order is good but you've got to have some proof. Basically it will just be a order saying don't be bad. To enforce that order you've got to have really good proof because its a criminal act to break the order. Do it, it can't hurt and might have a huge effect.

Also the advise to use your mental capacity to put her out of your head is good. Every time your thoughts turn to her you mentally force yourself to think of something else. Just repeating mentally NO NO NO NO can yank your mind away from that train of thought. I use "STOP IT" repeatedly - mentally yelling at myself.

abugandabean's picture

That is a good idea OCC. Can you explain further though by what you think I should tell CYS? Just tell them about her threats and her character to protect myself?

blayze's picture

I wish I knew the answer to this. I've just never encountered a person so evil. It's really like watching a freak show... you don't want to look and be grossed out, but when it happens right in front of you, it will give you nightmares/flashbacks later. I can't ignore evil and I truly believe that BM is evil. I wish I could unsee what I've seen, but since I can't, every time she pops into my life, my hatred is reignited. And yes, because the skids are 50% her and (one of them) speaks highly of her evil ass, I won't ever truly love them like my own... sad because I actually love one of my son's friends in a way that I can't love my SO's child. Damn those high conflict BM's.

Accordn2L's picture

abugandabean-

I struggle with having a relationship with my SD8 because every time I turn around BM is causing drama or stirring something up. As SD8 gets older she even looks just like BM and that's not her fault but it's like having BM up in my house all the time. BM has her programmed to come home and report any and everything that went on at my house as well and then likes to go on a "text rant" to my SO about it.

Here are some of the things I did to help curb this.
1. Do actually block her from your phone and his as well and email, this is free with most carriers-provide her with someone such as his parent etc... to reach in case of emergency
2. If she is threatening in the messages print them out and take them to the police department, I did this and I had BM charged with cyberstalking and communicating threats, she is currently on a 2 year probation for that
3. Document, document, document. Keep a notebook with dates, times, and full details of anything that she says or does that you may need in court later, this is a great tool because it shows a pattern of behavior.
4. You have a custody agreement in order, if their are any problems with the drop offs and pick ups, then move the location to the local police department, we did this and BM knew better than to show out with the cops right there.

Teach BM that her behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. She is setting the tone for what it will be like the entire 18 years you will be dealing with you. Take the control back and show her you don't play games.

Good luck!!!

ocs's picture

ABOVE!!^^^^^^

SD14 and I have a tenuous relationship at best because of her BM. Batshit like I've never experienced. Vengeful for no reason, mean spirited and entitled. I have a very hard time accepting, never mind liking SD because of it. Unfair? sure- but it is what it is. DH can spend as much time as he wants, but I'm out. (for the most part)

I had to teach BM swiftly that her bad behaviour would not be tolerated. I ignored her initially, and DH had boundaries, but he had to tighten up and I brought down the hammer. This whole family put up with her nonsense and I didn't. She came after me and I involved the police immediately. Shocked her, and she has been quiet for more than a year now with me.

(BM and DH were never married, and had 1yr on again off again relationship)

She had 8yrs free reign of terror on his family.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

1. Keep her out of your head.
2. Learn to not care what your H's relationship with the skids are.
3. Not care what your relationship is with them. Be polite, cordial, and kind, but never more than you receive.

It also helps if your DH has a zero bullshit tolerance streak. Mine probably has a negative number tolerance streak so that helps a lot and he is SCATHING when he's pissed. His words burn and he knows just what to say to purposely set her off so she looks like even more of a lunatic. I actually used to cringe for them when he put her or his mother in their place for even very minor infractions.

Otherwise he's just cold and ignores.