Homeschooling and BM controlling nature
We insisted the SKs needed to stay in one house, as my partner is high risk and we have a baby, and for everyone’s protection in general. We did stay they could stay here but BM chose to have them and we agreed. BM getting increasingly obsessed with our communication with the kids. We’ve arranged with them to video chat twice a week and communicate with them by others means at times. They know they can communicate with us by any means at any time. Every week BM has something to say about with our communication with them. That we can communicate more with them anytime. She says she is pressuring the kids to communicate more with us. Setting my partner ‘tasks’ like speaking to his son about his feelings. Then telling my partner that his son says he can’t speak openly to his dad. Yesterday a ‘request’ for both me and my partner to home school the kids via zoom, to improve their online communication skills apparently. We surely have the time to spare and the technology , no? (I’m on maternity leave.) My partner has asked for privacy with FaceTime chats but when she instructed him to talk to SS about feelings, the day before he starts online counselling, she admitted that she listened in on call. My partner asked her yesterday to not involve herself in communication between him and the kids but she just says she’s communicating essential information about their feelings. She overdramatises things and is pushy with the kids. Apparently SS is crying himself to sleep at night. BM is very keen for us to return to usual split care arrangement. It all feels very unhealthy. Help/advice anyone?
Sorry, I won't be of much use
Sorry, I won't be of much use because I have no idea what to advise BUT ...
Of course the boy can't talk about his feelings to his father with his mother lugging in all the time! Poor kid must feel completely smothered if she's monitoring him all the time. I think I'd be crying myself to sleep if I was stuck indoors, couldn't see my friends, and as a bonus had my mother breathing down my neck all day long and telling me what I should be doing for every minute of the day. He must be exhausted.
I think saying that this situation is "unhealthy" is an understatement but I'm not sure what you can do about it other than take the skids to your place for the duration. Split care isn't a good idea in the current situation because the more they go to and fro, the higher the risk for your dh. !how would you feel about them coming to your place 100%?
She's obsessed with his
She's obsessed with his mental health in what I think is a very unhealthy way and currently I think she's using it to try to make us worried so we'll resume shared care. We think she had the mental health problem and she is causing/exacerbating that in her son. We've previously had to tell her she is not welcome on our property and that we wanted a neutral handover space. When my partner emailed her saying we needed them to stay in one home she said she was going to send her husband round with the kids and we were to carry on as normal for the kids mental health and routine! As if losing a parent to covid wouldn't devastate their mental health! We pointed out that creating a scene on our doorstep and is not being able to let them inside would be really bad for their mental health. She's very controlling. Always setting tasks and errands for my partner and me even though me and her don't communicate directly anymore. She criticises our parenting/coparenting if we don't do as we're told. But the big stuff that she's meant to consult my partner on she often doesn't. The kids could come to us full time but they'd have to do a two week quarantine which would be very difficult for us all, and we wonder how long they'd cope with being away from their mum at 9 and 11. We offered this from the start but she made a big deal of the fact that we thought it best them with her due to all of our situations with work and covid. Everything up in the air for us right now. But she insisted we tell the kids we thought they should be there and downplayed our offer. Anything to make her look like the better parent and us to look uncaring/incompetent. Really worried about her alienating me and my partner over time, and even when we do resume shared care.
The problem is it does impact
The problem is it does impact upon our family, relationship, home. We get so stressed and tired with having to deal with her and even though we don't think we're bad parents, her constant insistence that we are, and not responding to that in order to not make the situation worse. This morning (uk) we've emailed the school to get their official advice on how we can best support SKs home schooling. We're happy to go with what they say, just not happy to be set all these tasks by BM. She's obsessed with the idea that the kids can't talk as openly about their feelings here as they can with her. Again, we don't think it's the case, but we think it's dangerous that she keeps talking to the kids about this and insisting it is the case. My partner has asked her not to get involved in our communication with them. But she denies she's doing it and just says she is passing on important information to us about their feelings and communication. She has said all this before and we have talked to the kids about this, They have said in a way that seems genuine that they don't feel this way. Their mum then just says thats part of them not being able to talk to us! Yet she wants SS to talk to his dad in a completely unnatural way about his feelings via facetime the day before his first counselling session. Only for her to email soon after the facetime chat to say he feels he can't talk to you. It's nuts! I think it's a particularly subtle but equally damaging form of triangulation and control. We're trying to get in touch with his NHS counsellor to discuss what is going on.
I really wish I could stop her infiltrating my life and headspace constantly. We have insisted all her communication is twice weekly via email, after years of her being super intrusive.
I hope your DH does not feed
I hope your DH does not feed into her controlling ways. He needs to shut her down every chance he gets. If he doesn't, she will think that she has power to continue as she is doing now. I would suggest using OFW, this way all communication is monitored and recorded. Perhaps this will cut out her b.s.
Thanks both of you. My OH
Thanks both of you. My OH used to let her walk all over him as like many he was scared of losing the kids. Now when we don't do what she wants she likes to blame me. Sent my partner a late night email just before a gave birth basically saying they got on a lot better before I came along and she doesn't think I always have the kid's best interests in mind. She made that period of my life so difficult. Now it's email only, twice weekly. She has agreed in the past to keep emails brief and about arrangements only. But she rarely does. SS11 is a lovely boy who is quite sensitive. But his behaviour has been extreme there- he's banged his head, had 'meltdowns' as she likes to call them. He never behaves like that here. And it's a relaxed warm environment, not some kind of emotionally repressive one as she implies. His behaviour has spilled over into school and school have suggested counselling before he starts high school in September. Pre covid she was pushing for them all to go to together to this counselling, her, my OH and SS. It's not family therapy and they are no longer a family unit. She often refers to us all being one family no matter how many times my partner has said he doesn't see it that way and to stop pushing the 'blended family' thing. We never state or imply our opinion, that SS's issues there are behavioural and relate to his mum's mental health and way of dealing with things. Yet she seems hellbent on making us think it's due to our emotional repression.
The thing is would be happy
The thing is would be happy to help with home schooling. Happy to do our share but she makes that almost impossible. I've avoided school plays and assemblies etc this past year because of not wanting to see her. I'd be a better stepparent if it wasn't for her meddling! Then my partner gets emails reminding him of his 'parental responsibilities' if he can't make it and I choose not to.
BM never going to go for OFW.
BM never going to go for OFW. She struggles enough with doing written communication only and won't share a calendar for kid's important dates
Very similar experience here.
Very similar experience here. I can guarantee you, this is about BM getting attention for herself and nothing to do with the children.
BM also regularly tells DH that SSs can only open up about their feelings to her. It's a bunch of bunk. DH has gone to counseling with one SS (after the last mediation when BM said the children were "in crisis" due to DH) and none of the things BM said came up. What did come up, however, was SS saying, "I talk to my mom about my relationship with you (DH) all the time and she says it's bad!" BM lost interest in counseling when the counselor didn't say that DH was a terrible person who was neglecting his children, so miraculously, SSs no longer needed counseling after less than two months.
SSs are teens and BM regularly tells DH that they "cry" because DH doesn't go to their sports practices...not games...practices. And that they cry to her about why can't DH be friends with BM...this is not true and BM got caught in her own lie by telling DH that one SS was lamenting that all of his other friends with divorced parents, their parents are "best friends". This is counter to SS telling DH that this friend or that friend "hates his dad" or has "no contact" with his dad. He has several friends who have fathers who are in jail.
She also wanted us to take in SSs while school is closed, but she is the custodial parent and doesn't want to give up CS, so no, it's on her. Also, SSs are not socially distancing and I'm not going to put myself, nor would I want DH to be, at risk because BM is "overwhelmed". Neither SS is participating in "remote learning" right now...
And yes, I am the problem...according to BM, she and DH were the best of friends before he met me. I guess by best friends, she means that he still took her daily calls when she would complain about her life and tell him what a terrible person he is. In my view, BM never let go of her relationship with DH (not her co-parenting relationship, her personal relationship outside of the children), even though she was remarried by the time I met DH.
Tell BM to buzz off.
Tell BM to buzz off.
Also, I would have dh tell her, 'It seems to me BM that homeschooling the kids is just too much for you. IF you can not cope, let me have the kids for the next several weeks. IF you are unwilling to switch---ok. I will only communicate about kids school with their teachers NOT YOU, so stop it. Your now on notice.".
My husband's custody
My husband's custody agreement has wording that essentailly says that communication should be able private between the parent and the child. If there is something like that in your husband's agreement, he could try highlighting it with BM? Or if necessary getting a lawyer to write her a letter reminding of her obligation.
Thanks everyone
We have an informal arrangement, no court order. Have considered going down the legal route of saying is harassing us but don't think it's worth it. We have decided to set up a new email address for her to contact OH. It'll be checked once a week only and he's going to remind her that its for arrangements only. If she carries on after this we're considering full parallel parenting with no direct contact with her. She has seriously affected our quality of life for two and a half years and we can't do another decade of this. We emailed their headteacher today and she basically said not to worry about what work they do at all and to certainly not feel we need to deliver zoom lessons! So if BM starts up about this again we'll just tell her what the headteacher said. Also trying to get in touch with his counsellor to talk about how best we can support SS but also to express our concerns about BM trying to control communication and our relationships with them.
DH to BM.
"Thanks for your opinion BM. From here on out I will let you know whenI am interested in your opion or if you are allowed to express your opinions to me. I am not interested in your feelings about my communication or relationship with my children."
Lather, rinse, repeat.