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planb01's picture

Help! I'm looking for advice and other opinions about my current situation.

I met my current partner just over 4 years ago after a couple of years dating she was keen we should move in together. It made sense financially but for me I was unsure as outside of my day to day working life I am a musician & dj and spent my free time at evenings and weekends making music. However I agreed as I wanted to make her happy and as a result of her 12 year old son living with us I am fairly limited to a couple of hours on Saturday or Sunday for my musical endeavors, so I feel i've made some sacrafices to make her happy. This however is not the issue.

Her 12 year old son who for the most part is a relatively pleasant child barely communicates with me at all,  he stays in his room and plays xbox all day long at weekends or chats to school friends on his mobile phone. If I suggest going for a cycle or a swim he's not interested, if he does come out of his room he rarely acknowledges me unless I speak to him first and even then the conversation is bare minimum...yes, no, okay answers.

More recently my partner decided to start working Saturdays (without consulting me) and leave the two of us in the house together. I like to go cycling on a Saturday and my partner said it would be fine to leave him for a couple of hours as long as I make him some lunch. I agreed but this is where the main problem starts, firstly some days he won't get out of bed until after 2pm. If I offer to make him some food he often says he does not want any and eats crisps and choclate bars in his room instead. Even on week nights we take cooking day about but the child is a very fussy eater and will not eat 90% of the food I prepare. He will mainly only eat bacon, sausages, cheese, bacon & cheese pasta or steak, pizza and refuses to eat fruit or vegetables. So a special meal will need to be prepared for him also as he won't eat what we are eating mostly, because of this my partner feeds him normally before i get in from work at 7 or 8pm.

Recently my partner has flew of the handle with me  several times as she has returned home from work on a Saturday and her son has demanded to be fed as he is starving with hunger, yet he refuses when I offer to make him some, I've also made it very clear to both of them that if the he is hungry please could he ask me to make food there will never be a problem to do that. Yet still it goes on more and more arguments over the same thing.

I have no children of my own or any previous experience of parenting, so any advice or opinions are welcome. My partner looks at her son as some sort of golden child and tends to spoil him in my opinion, she runs after him constantly meeting his every demand leaving mess and dirty dishes all around the house and would never think to leave them to the sink for washing which I feel is not an unrealistic expectation for a 12 year old.

Ispofacto's picture

My kids were capable of making sandwiches at age 5. 

My granddaughter was making her own tea in the microwave at age 3.  By age 7 she had chores, including doing the dishes.

Your SO is infantilizing and spoiling her son.  She is also irrationally blaming you for her poor parenting.

She is not a good partner.


hereiam's picture

Not all couples should live together.

Twelve years old is plenty old enough to get oneself something to eat, and to clean up after oneself.

Her kid is not your responsibility. She had no business deciding to work on Saturdays, leaving her kid home with you, without discussing it with you, especially if she expected you to take care of him in any way.


futurobrillante99's picture

He's 12 and doesn't need a babysitter. If he can't cook his own food, that's his mother's failing. Living with a woman and her 12 year old son should NOT have changed your hobbies and schedule much at all.

Lizzylemon's picture

Your Ss12 will become my Dh in that he is incapable of making food for himself. Whenever I know I will not be home to make him food I prepare snack boxes for him and meal boxes for him ready to go in the fridge. This has worked so well for me. I would have your SO make him these boxes before she leaves or the night before. Have her ask Ss12 what he wants to eat for the following day and she can have those ready in the fridge. I bought the reusable boxes from amazon for $20 and they can go in the dishwasher too. Then you will not have dishes to do after Ss12 eats. Problem solved! 

Winterglow's picture

You are a childless adult. There is no reason for you to be held accountable for someone else's child. If your gf wants the kid to eat, either she makes something he can heat up or she feeds him when she gets home.OTOH, he can make himself a sandwich. He is absolutely not your responsibility. Please don't fall into that trap.He has two parents and you are not one of them. If she thinks her precious wee soul cannot survive on his own, maybe she should send him to his father's when she's at work?

Cover1W's picture

My OSD did this with dinners sometimes.  Would refuse to eat what was made or didn't respond when dinner was ready and would stay in her room.  Then complain to DH when he got home that I didn't make sure she ate. 

I simply stated over and over again, food was prepared, she either didn't come up/wouldn't eat it, so SHE made the choice, not me.  She's 12 (same age this started - it's a power play) and I cannot force her to eat, DH.  This is not my problem.

It worked, after about 4 or so repeats.  Be calm, state the facts, and move on.

Merry's picture

A 12 year old should be able to put together an entire simple meal for the family. Why isn't his mother teaching him life skills? Certainly he can make a sandwich or a bowl of cereal if he's hungry. 

This is not your problem.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Is a cr@p parent who thinks it's okay to dump her feral son on you, and then chastised you for not parenting him. This is bs.

Her son is not your responsibility. Tell her when she gets him whipped into shape and addresses his sloth, poor eating habits, and addiction to gaming, you'll be happy to help with him.

And start putting together an exit strategy. This woman's poor parenting  and unrealistic expectations of you are going to torpedo your relationship.

relationshipguru's picture

12 years old is plenty old enough for him to make himself something to eat (sandwich, pizza, pasta, etc.). Sure he might not be able to cook a gourmet meal but he definitely can learn to make a grilled cheese, scrambled eggs, etc. She is babying him.

tog redux's picture

I'm with the others. Tell her you will no longer be in charge of him on Saturdays, he can stay home alone (and feed himself) or go somewhere else while she works.

She has no business expecting you to watch her son at all, I rarely watched my SS alone. And if you agree to, she'd better be appreciative.

minniebee's picture

1) It isn't your job to babysit a 12yo who is not your child. 

2) He's 12, he's old enough to BE a babysitter, he doesn't NEED a babysitter. He should be capable of making himself something simple to eat. If he's not, his mother needs to teach him. 

3) If mom really doesn't want her 12yo left home alone or responsible for feeding himself, she should make arrangements for his care while she's working that don't make you the responsible adult. Clearly it's not working all that well, so she needs to try something else. Can the child go to his dad's place? Can there be arrangements for him to hang out with friends while mom's at work?  

Newuser333's picture

I was in a very similar situation with my gf who i recently broke up with (strictly because of her son). He was 9yo, a spoiled little brat and would refuse to eat the food i had to offer. 

Like you I was stuck watching this kid every weekend while his mother was at work, and he would say "im hungry" - never asking if I can please make him food or anyting politely. Just "im hungry". When I would ask him what he wanted he would say nothing. When I would start naming off a list of options of things I could make him he would say "I don't want that". Then eventually say "im not eating". When his mother would get home he would say how starving he is and she would get mad at me saying how could you not feed my child etc, etc. It got old real quick.. He was a spoiled mommys boy with no discipline. Played video games all day and night. I could not force him to eat. But then he makes me out like I'm starving him when his mom gets home... starting an argument between us (which he loved). fuck that shit

nappisan's picture

I had a simliar situtation with my SO who i recently split up with too (mostly from his lack of parenting with a SS12 spoiled brat). I too was left to look after the SS every weekend while my BF went and worked. This boy stayed and played video games in bed all day and night, he is an extremely fussy eater also , only sausages, mash, chips , nuggets and pasta but only if grandma or his mum made it.   I would offer to make lunch but he would usually ignore me until dear daddy got home so he could spend an hour cooking sausages and mash.  Even though he wouldnt eat my food, I would often catch him stealing crisps and popcorn from the cupboard when i went outside or turned my back for a minute.  My firm advice to you is put a stop to being his carer when your GF is working,, she will need to make other arrangements for her son,,, even if the boy is mostly well behaved etc, i would still put this in place straight away,,, dont be like alot of us here and leave it years before acting. i did this for 8 years and nothing ever changed.  . At 12 he should be getting his own food and cleaning up after himself. My son was doing his own washing at 10 and could make spaghetti.  Your GF is babying him and then when shes not there , your expected to baby him

Rags's picture

Keep it simple.  He eats what is prepared or he starves.

At 12 he can be left to fend for himself if mommy is t around to cater to him.  Get back to enjoying your life and music.